BS08

Just posting because I'm really really fighting looking at my XABF FB page. I've stayed away for about 2 weeks now, but I don't know why, the urge is really strong today. I know it will just cause me pain, but I'm really having to fight it.

Also started to think I maybe ready to start dating again, and that may be what's scaring me and making me look to him and really miss our life together. I did a race this weekend with a bunch of friends, and one of my friends had her boyfriend on the team. I miss sharing stuff like this with someone. I can't share it with him, so I need to look forward instead of behind. But I do miss our life together and I start to get sad about it, that is until I put the reality back in my head that he sent me packing with a trashbag of my stuff and then went skiing on his hill parading around the new girl while he was wearing a thong. I saw the pictures. They're actually pretty disgusting and embarrassing.

Just venting here so that I don't go to his FB site.

And I'm also going to an Al-anon meeting after work tonight. I think that will help.

ItsmeAlice

I'm really really fighting looking at my XABF FB page

versus

started to think I maybe ready to start dating again

I think these are entirely contradictory statements. How can you be ready to start dating again if you are not ready to leave your old baggage where it belongs...in the past.

I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone who isn't able to let go of an ex enough to stop snooping around in their life via Facebook.

Wanting the company of someone one new should not immediately bring back feelings for your ex especially if you have used your recovery to stave off the codependent relationships you might otherwise gravitate towards. I would think you would want something entirely new these days and want nothing to do with the unsavory thong-wearing addict of the past.

I'm a believer of the theory that you will be able to be with somone else only after you are capable of being alone.

Alice

TakingCharge999

Well, just go ahead and look at his FB. Every day if you wish. See every picture. Read every comment. Look at the posts he himself has added in other girl's walls. Look for relationship changes.

I mean, it seems ALL the pain you have suffered has not been enough, so why not willingly reopen the wounds that have slowly started to heal?

BS08

Thanks for the head slap and reality check..

Cath1029

I loved reading this today. I was married for 17 years to my first husband and then married to AH for 3 years and literally haven't been alone since I was 16 years old. I really have no idea who I am, just starting to find out through the grace of God. I feel like I desperately need to discover that before I could participate in a healthy relationship again. Because it wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person.

ItsmeAlice

Great insight Cath!

I lived with my folks until my career got going and then just never left the nest. I finally got my butt in gear after a couple of years and got my own place. The theory then was that I would never find the man of my dreams while I was living with my folks and still living like a child. Not to mention detaching from the codependent vortex that is my relationship with my mother.

I used to like to say that I waited 6 years to finally find my soul mate (XABF) because it had been that long since my last serious relationship, but in reality I had only been living on my own for about 2 months when we met and 5 months until he was sleeping over regularly.

Like you, I finally sat down and did the math. The length of time I've spent in a relationship with myself is dwarfed by the lifetime I've spent in relationships (and bad ones at that, I realize) with others.

Is it possible to "date" oneself?? LOL! Maybe I'll take me out to dinner and find out what my favorite color, movie, and music artist are. LOL!

Alice

BS08

I actually think I've spent far more time alone and with myself than I have in relationships. I had a huge wall up for years and didn't really let alot of men across it. When I left my family in 1995 I didn't date or even think about dating for 4 years after. It was 3 years between my XABF and my last boyfriend. So I have spent time alone. Whether that was good time alone, or just because I had walls, I don't know.

I think I just want it to be over with and have him out of my life. I still wake up every morning and he's the first thing on my mind before I even get out of bed. I think about him with everything I do, and I wish to God I could turn it off!!!! It's like a ball and chain that I'm constantly dragging around and don't have the key to get it off. It worries me that I will never move on from this. It makes me realize that I can't date yet. I'm not ready and open. Damn him. I worry that I will never be open to another because I keep looking to him/thinking of him. Even though good things have happened in my life since he left (bought a great house, making more friends, reconnecting with my family), I just continue to focus there and pine for what I lost. And I'm tired of it. It's like a little hidden depression I'm carrying all the time.

I think I'm just at a point that I want to be in a relationship and have someone to share my life with. I'm tired of isolating myself. Getting back together with my family (both sisters are married and in really good, real loving relationships) makes me long for it more. It's made me see how much I've isolated myself due to our family. When I walked away from them, I closed up a lot too. They all seem to have stayed open to others. I chose him and chose wrong, and now I feel there is a block to that happiness that I want and I don't know how to get around it.

I think I've really been alone for a long time, and I just want to stop it....