Scared and starting to panic!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Scared and starting to panic!
As many of you know, three weeks ago I told my emotionally abusive AH that I wanted a divorce. He won’t leave the house so we are now trying to share the residence with our three teenage sons.
It’s starting to look like the kids may decide to split their time between the two of us once we have separate homes. The youngest son, 14, has told me he wants to be able to not see his dad if things don’t go well as his dad has been abusive with him. So I may have custody of the youngest but nothing is sure yet. The other 2 sons are 16 and 18 and can decide what they want; so far they’ve said they want to split their time between us.
As much as I felt serene in my decision initially, now I find myself very fearful and in a near-panic state as I realize how difficult this will be. I can’t imagine not seeing my kids, especially the younger one who’s around us the most, every day as I do now. I can’t imagine spending as long as a week without seeing them. Truly, it breaks my heart.
I also realize the financial struggles may be even harder than I expected. I love my house but neither of us can afford it alone so it will have to be sold. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to afford another home in my neighbourhood, which I’m very attached to.
I’m so fearful right now that I’m actually thinking of trying to patch things up with my husband. Does this even make any sense? He has not given me any indication in recent months that he recognizes how his drinking and anger issues have impacted our marriage and the only suggestions he’s made to try to stave off this divorce are that we have an “open marriage” so the family can stay together or that I leave for a few weeks or a few months to reflect. I don’t even love him but I’m not sure anymore that the alternative will be better. Maybe I should wait until the youngest one is 18 before leaving?
I’ve been contemplating divorcing him for years and thought I had thought everything through very carefully but now I’m second-guessing myself. Any alternate agreements or arrangements I can make with my husband? Should I even bother asking him if he’ll consider getting treatment to try to repair the marriage and keep the family intact? I had previously asked if he would move out for a few months and get treatment and then come home if the treatment was successful. He’s refused in the past but I haven’t brought this up since telling him I wanted a divorce. My sister is astounded that he hasn’t offered to do anything in the way of getting treatment to try to keep the marriage together since he has so much to lose. He’s not a staggering drunk but he drinks quite steadily every day, at least 6 drinks and often more, and almost always alone. Any advice from anyone?
It’s starting to look like the kids may decide to split their time between the two of us once we have separate homes. The youngest son, 14, has told me he wants to be able to not see his dad if things don’t go well as his dad has been abusive with him. So I may have custody of the youngest but nothing is sure yet. The other 2 sons are 16 and 18 and can decide what they want; so far they’ve said they want to split their time between us.
As much as I felt serene in my decision initially, now I find myself very fearful and in a near-panic state as I realize how difficult this will be. I can’t imagine not seeing my kids, especially the younger one who’s around us the most, every day as I do now. I can’t imagine spending as long as a week without seeing them. Truly, it breaks my heart.
I also realize the financial struggles may be even harder than I expected. I love my house but neither of us can afford it alone so it will have to be sold. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to afford another home in my neighbourhood, which I’m very attached to.
I’m so fearful right now that I’m actually thinking of trying to patch things up with my husband. Does this even make any sense? He has not given me any indication in recent months that he recognizes how his drinking and anger issues have impacted our marriage and the only suggestions he’s made to try to stave off this divorce are that we have an “open marriage” so the family can stay together or that I leave for a few weeks or a few months to reflect. I don’t even love him but I’m not sure anymore that the alternative will be better. Maybe I should wait until the youngest one is 18 before leaving?
I’ve been contemplating divorcing him for years and thought I had thought everything through very carefully but now I’m second-guessing myself. Any alternate agreements or arrangements I can make with my husband? Should I even bother asking him if he’ll consider getting treatment to try to repair the marriage and keep the family intact? I had previously asked if he would move out for a few months and get treatment and then come home if the treatment was successful. He’s refused in the past but I haven’t brought this up since telling him I wanted a divorce. My sister is astounded that he hasn’t offered to do anything in the way of getting treatment to try to keep the marriage together since he has so much to lose. He’s not a staggering drunk but he drinks quite steadily every day, at least 6 drinks and often more, and almost always alone. Any advice from anyone?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Breathe! Take a few deep breaths and try and clam down. You know why you're leaving. You sound like you're having a last minute panic!
Change and the unknown is always scary.
Remember the three C's - you won't be able to 'make' your AH get into recovery - it just won't work unless he wants to do it for himself. You've been planning leaving him for years. Its time to revisit that decision. Make a list of the pros and cons.
Can you really see yourself living with the status quo for another 4 years? Make no mistake, your AH has shown no interest in getting sober and isn't likely to if you stick around. Don't plan on staying and him getting into recovery - that is just wishful thinking.
Seeing less of your children as they grown up is something that happens to every parent. You will cope. You can do this! Remember, it will all take time - time to get the house sold, time to find a new place etc. You won't have to do it all at once!
Only you can decide if the pain of staying is less than the fear of leaving. Sending some strength and clarity your way so you can make your decision!
:ghug2
Change and the unknown is always scary.
Remember the three C's - you won't be able to 'make' your AH get into recovery - it just won't work unless he wants to do it for himself. You've been planning leaving him for years. Its time to revisit that decision. Make a list of the pros and cons.
Can you really see yourself living with the status quo for another 4 years? Make no mistake, your AH has shown no interest in getting sober and isn't likely to if you stick around. Don't plan on staying and him getting into recovery - that is just wishful thinking.
Seeing less of your children as they grown up is something that happens to every parent. You will cope. You can do this! Remember, it will all take time - time to get the house sold, time to find a new place etc. You won't have to do it all at once!
Only you can decide if the pain of staying is less than the fear of leaving. Sending some strength and clarity your way so you can make your decision!
:ghug2
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The youngest son, 14, has told me he wants to be able to not see his dad if things don’t go well as his dad has been abusive with him.
That says everything I would need to know to make up my mind.
That says everything I would need to know to make up my mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Which would be more painful for your son?
- Adjusting to a change in his parents' living situation where he was no longer in the house with a dad who abused him and living with a mom who was no longer being emotionally abused and intimidated...short term pain, long term gain OR...
- 5 more years living IN the house with a father who is abusive to him and his mother.
As a mother I can certainly relate to not wanting to be separated from your kids, but I can tell you with certainty that being away from them overnight or a week at a time - even though it may seem overwhelming to you right now - will *not* cripple or even maim you!
My children are still small - 5 and 8 - and when they are at their dads overnight, sure I worry about them, but I know they are going to be OK and I'm going to be OK. They have a prepaid cell phone with my number programmed into it, they can call me anytime they need me and they know I will come get them if they need me (their dad is not an active addict but he is a rager). Since your boys are nearing adulthood, this is a natural time to begin accepting physical distance as a part of life.
Its going to be ok. Really, it is. You can do this.
- Adjusting to a change in his parents' living situation where he was no longer in the house with a dad who abused him and living with a mom who was no longer being emotionally abused and intimidated...short term pain, long term gain OR...
- 5 more years living IN the house with a father who is abusive to him and his mother.
As a mother I can certainly relate to not wanting to be separated from your kids, but I can tell you with certainty that being away from them overnight or a week at a time - even though it may seem overwhelming to you right now - will *not* cripple or even maim you!
My children are still small - 5 and 8 - and when they are at their dads overnight, sure I worry about them, but I know they are going to be OK and I'm going to be OK. They have a prepaid cell phone with my number programmed into it, they can call me anytime they need me and they know I will come get them if they need me (their dad is not an active addict but he is a rager). Since your boys are nearing adulthood, this is a natural time to begin accepting physical distance as a part of life. Its going to be ok. Really, it is. You can do this.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Anvilhead,
You're right. It won't be easy and I guess I'm wishing it were. New solutions sounds like a good idea as all the previous "solutions" haven't actually solved anything at all for me.
Thank you for helping me see more clearly.
You're right. It won't be easy and I guess I'm wishing it were. New solutions sounds like a good idea as all the previous "solutions" haven't actually solved anything at all for me.
Thank you for helping me see more clearly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Since your boys are nearing adulthood, this is a natural time to begin accepting physical distance as a part of life.
You're right. In fact, I'm not too concerned about the older 2. I'm concerned mostly for the 14 year old as he's still a kid. In many ways I want this to be pain-free but I'm realizing it won't be.
Thank you for sharing your insight. It's really helpful.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Venice: My heart breaks for you--can hear the pain in your post. I don't have answers, as I'm in a similar spot--and although I thought I was doing "great" living in the same house, my stomach is telling me otherwise every time I see from his car in the garage that he is home.
I have learned, with teenagers of my own, that they see more than we know and will make up their own minds. One of mine is very torn between his dad and me...he and dad are best buddies, yet dad treats mom in an unacceptable way. I'm trying to hold my head high and show my kids that I deserve better--even if it's how I treat myself. I'm praying for you tonight. You are not alone and will know in your heart what to do, if you don't already. We can do this.
I have learned, with teenagers of my own, that they see more than we know and will make up their own minds. One of mine is very torn between his dad and me...he and dad are best buddies, yet dad treats mom in an unacceptable way. I'm trying to hold my head high and show my kids that I deserve better--even if it's how I treat myself. I'm praying for you tonight. You are not alone and will know in your heart what to do, if you don't already. We can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
New Chapter,
Thanks for your support. I went back and read your initial post and there are very definitely similarities in our stories.
My AH is out tonight and I'm typing away on my laptop, looking at my three sons who are nearby and I feel soooo content that it's just the four of us - no tension, no stress.
You're right - we can do this and we're not alone. I know in my heart the divorce is the right thing - I'm hoping my kids will see there's a healthier way to live. It's getting there that's tough and I imagine I may falter again before I get to the end. The support I'm getting from this forum is really helping me to not lose focus on my goal.
Thanks for your support. I went back and read your initial post and there are very definitely similarities in our stories.
My AH is out tonight and I'm typing away on my laptop, looking at my three sons who are nearby and I feel soooo content that it's just the four of us - no tension, no stress.
You're right - we can do this and we're not alone. I know in my heart the divorce is the right thing - I'm hoping my kids will see there's a healthier way to live. It's getting there that's tough and I imagine I may falter again before I get to the end. The support I'm getting from this forum is really helping me to not lose focus on my goal.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by Venice 
It's getting there that's tough and I imagine I may falter again before I get to the end. The support I'm getting from this forum is really helping me to not lose focus on my goal.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Venice: There are ups and downs for sure--my AH and I tried to discuss the mechanics of our divorce tonight and the blaming, denying, etc. started again. I only wish I was as powerful as he seems to think I am!
Just that attempt at a discussion was so painful that I told him to send it to me in an email and left. He followed me out the door---I've learned that they don't like it when we don't listen or react to their "quacking".
I called a friend who I can count on to remind me that he isn't the Dan I married...that guy is gone...and I don't WANT to be married or friends or even acquaintences with this version. Find a friend who will do that for you. Who tell you how awesome you are to be raising great kids IN SPITE of him in the house...remember all you've accomplished and that peaceful feeling you have when it's just you and the kids. Or keep posting here and I'll tell you.
We will do this--for ourselves and for our kids. It isn't what we would have chosen, but here we are, and we deserve better (and so do our kids) than what we have now. We will be treated better (even if in how we treat ourselves!) and will show our kids that we and they deserve better.
I am praying for you tonight. Keep posting. We'll do this together.
Just that attempt at a discussion was so painful that I told him to send it to me in an email and left. He followed me out the door---I've learned that they don't like it when we don't listen or react to their "quacking".
I called a friend who I can count on to remind me that he isn't the Dan I married...that guy is gone...and I don't WANT to be married or friends or even acquaintences with this version. Find a friend who will do that for you. Who tell you how awesome you are to be raising great kids IN SPITE of him in the house...remember all you've accomplished and that peaceful feeling you have when it's just you and the kids. Or keep posting here and I'll tell you.
We will do this--for ourselves and for our kids. It isn't what we would have chosen, but here we are, and we deserve better (and so do our kids) than what we have now. We will be treated better (even if in how we treat ourselves!) and will show our kids that we and they deserve better.
I am praying for you tonight. Keep posting. We'll do this together.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Venice I was where you were 6 weeks ago--as far as the panic and the thoughts of what am I doing. I can't afford the house. I am taking the kids away from their dad. I won't see my kids. My STBXAH sounds like a carbon copy of yours. Verbally abusive to me and my older son. Would not move out of the house (when I left I took the kids and stayed in a hotel until the hearing for the temporary order). He simply said--it's my house I am not going anywhere. The court commissioner told him different 6 weeks ago-told him he could move so I could get back in the house with the kids. The abuse was never even brought up.
I too love my neighborhood--my house, well I did love it, but in the last 3 years it came to represent our marriage--a big mistake. Once he quit his job we could not afford it anymore and he was more than willing to let me take on a 2nd job so the mortgage could be paid.
We decided we had to sell the house. No way around it. The good news--I found a beautiful house that is even better suited to me and the kids than the one we are in. Not bigger (actually half the size), but better. It will be our house-empty of the anger and abuse and full of love and laughter. I don't have it yet--and even if it winds up that I don't get that house--I now know the peace I felt when I stepped inside the door of that house. I know there is some place I can be with my kids where he is not.
Now--here is the other thing. Do you really want your youngest to be spending half his time at his dad's house if he is abusive to him? I would do everything I could to prevent that. Your son is only 14--is that really old enough for him to make that decision?
Can you get full custody with visitation for AH--not half of the time. It is hard for me when the kids go spend the weekend with their father--but most of that is fear that he will be abusive-and with good reason. Also, I miss them like heck when they are not around. My kids are younger than yours and in all reality-STBXAH has never kept them more than one night--he won't look for a place to live. My sister is convinced that he actually thinks I will change my mind. That will not be happening. Now that I have had 6 weeks of no drama (for the most part) I am enjoying it.
You will find a place you will like that will be your home and you and your son will not have to put up with his abuse.
Also, when I talked divorce my STBXAH said he was getting treatment. . .ah, nope. Was just a lie to keep me around longer.
Hang tough Venice, for you and your kids.
I too love my neighborhood--my house, well I did love it, but in the last 3 years it came to represent our marriage--a big mistake. Once he quit his job we could not afford it anymore and he was more than willing to let me take on a 2nd job so the mortgage could be paid.
We decided we had to sell the house. No way around it. The good news--I found a beautiful house that is even better suited to me and the kids than the one we are in. Not bigger (actually half the size), but better. It will be our house-empty of the anger and abuse and full of love and laughter. I don't have it yet--and even if it winds up that I don't get that house--I now know the peace I felt when I stepped inside the door of that house. I know there is some place I can be with my kids where he is not.
Now--here is the other thing. Do you really want your youngest to be spending half his time at his dad's house if he is abusive to him? I would do everything I could to prevent that. Your son is only 14--is that really old enough for him to make that decision?
Can you get full custody with visitation for AH--not half of the time. It is hard for me when the kids go spend the weekend with their father--but most of that is fear that he will be abusive-and with good reason. Also, I miss them like heck when they are not around. My kids are younger than yours and in all reality-STBXAH has never kept them more than one night--he won't look for a place to live. My sister is convinced that he actually thinks I will change my mind. That will not be happening. Now that I have had 6 weeks of no drama (for the most part) I am enjoying it.
You will find a place you will like that will be your home and you and your son will not have to put up with his abuse.
Also, when I talked divorce my STBXAH said he was getting treatment. . .ah, nope. Was just a lie to keep me around longer.
Hang tough Venice, for you and your kids.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
I called a friend who I can count on to remind me that he isn't the Dan I married...that guy is gone...and I don't WANT to be married or friends or even acquaintences with this version. Find a friend who will do that for you. Who tell you how awesome you are to be raising great kids IN SPITE of him in the house...remember all you've accomplished and that peaceful feeling you have when it's just you and the kids. Or keep posting here and I'll tell you.
I have my sister who's been very supportive in the way you suggest. She doesn't live nearby but we talk a lot on the phone. Like you, I can't stand this version of my husband. He's got a Jeckyl and Hyde personality and it's enough! I'll post if I have a moment of weakness and need someone to remind me why this is the right decision.
We will do this--for ourselves and for our kids. It isn't what we would have chosen, but here we are, and we deserve better (and so do our kids) than what we have now. We will be treated better (even if in how we treat ourselves!) and will show our kids that we and they deserve better.
I am praying for you tonight. Keep posting. We'll do this together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
My STBXAH sounds like a carbon copy of yours. Verbally abusive to me and my older son. Would not move out of the house. He simply said--it's my house I am not going anywhere. The court commissioner told him different 6 weeks ago-told him he could move so I could get back in the house with the kids.
Mine said the same thing. I asked my lawyer about getting a court order to force him out but she said it's usually granted when there are younger children involved and they're staying with the custodial parent. I'm meeting with her later today and we will be discussing this along with other issues.
I too love my neighborhood--my house, well I did love it, but in the last 3 years it came to represent our marriage--a big mistake.
We decided we had to sell the house. No way around it. The good news--I found a beautiful house that is even better suited to me and the kids than the one we are in. Not bigger (actually half the size), but better. It will be our house-empty of the anger and abuse and full of love and laughter.
Now--here is the other thing. Do you really want your youngest to be spending half his time at his dad's house if he is abusive to him? I would do everything I could to prevent that. Your son is only 14--is that really old enough for him to make that decision?
Also, when I talked divorce my STBXAH said he was getting treatment. . .ah, nope. Was just a lie to keep me around longer.
Thank you for your support and encouragement and I pray you get the house you want!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Are you sure we aren't married to the same man--he too was more married to the house than me. It was truly a status thing for him. "Look at me, lookie, lookie, I have a big house." Of course no lookie, lookie, my wife has to work a 2nd job so we can live here.
Also my STBXAH also says I am the crazy one. Well I guess I was crazy enough to stay as long as I did--but that craziness ended the moment I left and decided to never come back.
Hope your meeting with you lawyer provides the answers you need and some security. Hopefully your AH will be asked to leave the house and you can get full custody and primary placement. STBXAH says he wants 50-50 placement but you know what--if he did that it would sort of cut into his drinking/doping time so I knew right away he was blowing smoke (no pun intended).
I'll be thinking about you. Don't doubt yourself. Look forward, not backward.
Also my STBXAH also says I am the crazy one. Well I guess I was crazy enough to stay as long as I did--but that craziness ended the moment I left and decided to never come back.
Hope your meeting with you lawyer provides the answers you need and some security. Hopefully your AH will be asked to leave the house and you can get full custody and primary placement. STBXAH says he wants 50-50 placement but you know what--if he did that it would sort of cut into his drinking/doping time so I knew right away he was blowing smoke (no pun intended).
I'll be thinking about you. Don't doubt yourself. Look forward, not backward.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Don't Look Down Venice
Hi Venice. Glad to hear from you again.
Change is hard. Change is scary. Change hurts. But I think you know you need a change. And I think you know what change exactly you need. You have stepped out onto the high wire and now you're looking down. Don't look down! Look STRAIGHT AHEAD. Ask yourself, What do you see straight ahead? Focus on that. Don't look backwards and don't look down.
About your son, about your house, about your neighborhood, about that man's alcoholism, about his attitude, and everything else going through your head right now:
Let Go and Let God.
Do you have a Higher Power? Did you get to an Al-Anon meeting yet? Remember, you can make a geographical change as the solution to your "problem." But you still need to look at YOURSELF. Because you are 50% of the current equation.
Change is hard. Change is scary. Change hurts. But I think you know you need a change. And I think you know what change exactly you need. You have stepped out onto the high wire and now you're looking down. Don't look down! Look STRAIGHT AHEAD. Ask yourself, What do you see straight ahead? Focus on that. Don't look backwards and don't look down.
About your son, about your house, about your neighborhood, about that man's alcoholism, about his attitude, and everything else going through your head right now:
Let Go and Let God.
Do you have a Higher Power? Did you get to an Al-Anon meeting yet? Remember, you can make a geographical change as the solution to your "problem." But you still need to look at YOURSELF. Because you are 50% of the current equation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I was just out looking at townhouse rentals the other day. They seem so small when I come home to my big beautiful home that I designed. I was coming to the forum today to ask for prayers to keep me moving forward. Even though I know I must get us out of here each step feels like I'm pulling my feet out of quicksand. On top of that my own fear of the future sometimes makes MY progress slow.
I then saw your post (and the others). I knew I wasn't alone in this. It's amazing how hard it is to do what's right and stand against what's wrong in our lives. I also feel sick just seeing my AH car in the drive. So why is it so hard to leave. Ok I'm disabled. I have MS. There are worse things then living on less; isn't that where I am? Isn't that what I should be teaching my kids? Not that it's ok to abuse those weaker then you. Sorry for the vent trying to work it out in this troubled mind.
I think that you've started the course your doing great! Your closer to freedom. Your son will soon have peace. My AH leaves for just a few days and even the cat is happier. I'm sure your other children will see this too. I know how you feel with you kids all around you. My kids are 22 & 18 often they are away with friends. My AH is in the basement drinking and I think life alone can't be any lonelier then this. Hang in there...
My thoughts and prayers are with you often...
I then saw your post (and the others). I knew I wasn't alone in this. It's amazing how hard it is to do what's right and stand against what's wrong in our lives. I also feel sick just seeing my AH car in the drive. So why is it so hard to leave. Ok I'm disabled. I have MS. There are worse things then living on less; isn't that where I am? Isn't that what I should be teaching my kids? Not that it's ok to abuse those weaker then you. Sorry for the vent trying to work it out in this troubled mind.
I think that you've started the course your doing great! Your closer to freedom. Your son will soon have peace. My AH leaves for just a few days and even the cat is happier. I'm sure your other children will see this too. I know how you feel with you kids all around you. My kids are 22 & 18 often they are away with friends. My AH is in the basement drinking and I think life alone can't be any lonelier then this. Hang in there...
My thoughts and prayers are with you often...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Wife2Kids,
It sure sounds like we're married to the same guy...
I had my meeting with the lawyer and her primary concern is to arrive at a suitable temporary living arrangement. She was not too keen on getting a court order as she said it's going to cost me a fortune and there are no guarantees that I'll win, not to mention how messy it will be. She said she'll go that route if that's what I want and we may in fact end up there if my husband is uncooperative but she thinks it may be better for now to arrive at an agreeable temporary arrangement until the house is sold and we have separate homes. She's proposing a schedule where we would each spend alternate weekends away from the home and during the week (Monday to Thursday evenings), each of us would have 2 evenings where we would be away from the house until 9:00PM. She suggested I get a cell phone for my younger son so he can call me if ever there's a problem with his dad. She is urging me to get the house on the market as soon as possible. I'm not against this type of arrangement and it sure beats my husband's idea of spending alternate weeks with the kids in the house. This will also allow us to not spend additional money on renting a place.
Later on, once we have our own homes, we will work on the custody arrangements and yes, she agrees I should be asking for custody of my youngest son.
Thanks for your support Wife2Kids!
It sure sounds like we're married to the same guy...
Hope your meeting with you lawyer provides the answers you need and some security.
Later on, once we have our own homes, we will work on the custody arrangements and yes, she agrees I should be asking for custody of my youngest son.
Thanks for your support Wife2Kids!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Hi Learn2Live,
I'm happy I can always count on your wisdom.
I like that analogy - that is exactly what it feels like! If I look straight ahead I will NOT lose my balance and fall...
I don't think I have a HP. I don't know how to find one (yet). Yes, I've been to 2 Al-Anon meetings. I cried through most of the first one. Felt much better after the 2nd meeting but have unfortunately missed last week and will miss again this week due to parents' meetings at my kids' school. How do you "Let Go and Let God"?
I'm happy I can always count on your wisdom.
You have stepped out onto the high wire and now you're looking down. Don't look down! Look STRAIGHT AHEAD.
Let Go and Let God. Do you have a Higher Power? Did you get to an Al-Anon meeting yet? Remember, you can make a geographical change as the solution to your "problem." But you still need to look at YOURSELF. Because you are 50% of the current equation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
How do I say this? .. Um, you're panicing and when you do that you go
right back to your "safe zone". You have more strength than you realize
but being emotional is causing you not to see this. You said 'it breaks
your heart to possibly not see your sons . .but you also said that your
abusive AH is abusing your 14 year old. . .If you wait until he's 18, that's
4 more years of abusive for him. Suggestion, go to an "open" AA meeting
and listen to some of the stories that people who got sober tell how
they had to hit rock bottom before they realized they lost everything . ..
I mean EVERYTHING . . ..your AH is in denial . . why would he be accountable
if he doesn't feel that he's done anything wrong? ...I learned something
from a former counselor of mine , one time he told me "Deb, there's 2 choices
in life . . (1) the easiest thing to do and (2) the best thing to do ....
The best thing to do requires energy, mental strain, work, planning,
crap to deal with, etc . .I know .. been there . .but the pain of staying
and what it's doing to you and your 14 year old is not going to change,
it may get worse . ..and the open marriage thing is a "cop-out" to
being accountable for his drinking . . .he can't put the drink down,
he's not ready, he may never be ready , . ...here's some wisdom....
Men do NOT listen to words, they listen to ACTIONS .. . .I'd seriously
reconsider going through with your initial plan .. . .Yes, you might
have to start over but material things can't replace "sanity, peace, freedom, etc.
I sense that you're overwhelmed and you have to find a balance
between "emotions and reasoning" . .. If you're not sure what to do,
(you really do need a break from AH) so you can think clear. . . .Anything
that comes out of his mouth is probably angering you, saddening you,
he obviously doesn't have any regards for your feelings, nor the kids ..
Kids adjust better than you think . . .but if you leave, you will be setting
an example to your kids that it's NOT okay for an alcoholic to be abusive
towards his family and reak havoc and chaos and arguing daily in the home.
Kids look up to their parents . . .sounds like you're the only one who's
cognitively intact, they're looking up to YOU ... .One of the adults
has to look out for the well-being of your offspring . ..That person
is YOU, since your AH is doing nothing but trying to not acknowledge
that he has a drinking problem nor it's pain it's causing the whole
family. If he's allowed to stay in the house and still drink and continue
the cycle of dysfunction, he wins. He's not going to get help. .. Drinking
is his "everything" ...He's in his own distorted world. .He can't see straight,
he can't think striaght, he thinks he can be "invincible" .. ..The drink takes
bandaids his anger, numbs his issues, problems, his feelings, besides
distorting reality in general and drinking is blinding him to what his happening
under his own roof. ...And when the "drunk" wears off, (btw, you don't have to
stumble to be an alcholic or drunk) I used to think that too . . .NOT the case.
I'll pass on one more thing I learned that I have told people in similiar situations
as yours .. .here it is . .. . .(the pain of staying is WORSE than the pain of leaving)
does that make sense?
Does your 14 year understand that he's done nothing wrong and that Dad has
a serious problem? . . Can he take 4 more years of abuse? . . .Child abuse
STAYS with you in your adulthood and the more he sees and gets the abuse
he might start pondering drinking himself to "numb" his pain . . .see what I'm saying.
Do you want to set an example for your kids that it's NOT okay for a husband
to treat his wife the way your H is and it's NOT okay for your husband
to abuse his kids. If you stay , (by not leaving) their getting the message
that it's okay to live his kind of life. Sorry to put it this way, but you don't have
3 children , you have 4 (your AH) . .. it's no wonder you're overwhelmed . .
Change requires mental energy and work and you have to remind yourself
that it is for the better and that "this too shall pass" and things don't
stay the same. I know a girl that was in the same position as you and this is
what she said "I stayed for the kids (to a certain point) and then she decided
enough of the alcohol and drugs and being treated bad so then she said
"NOW I'm LEAVING for the kids" . . .It wasn't easy , she got her own apt,
she did a lot of crying, he put her through h*ll, but not she has freedom
becuase they're divorced and she has her life back with no alcohol, no
dysfunction, and she has peace and isn't in a "prison" of crap anymore.
Her husband is paying the price now, he had a nervous breakdown
and the kids turned against him becuase he was a nasty drunk and he
cries everyday from ALL the regrets he had that he didn't see (the whole
picture) of what his drinking was doing to the family. NOW he's
all alone and is paying the price .. .and the guilt just made him drink
even more . .SHe knew she deserved better and she didn't fall
for his sappy lines/ letters, she made a decision and never second-guessedherself
and did it for HER and the KIDS . .and they're ALL doing fine except the
guilty one . (the abusive AH)
hope this helps!
wish you could talk to her, you wouldn't second-guess yourself ...she would
convince you that you can do ANYTHING once you put your mind to it.
Debs
hope this helps!
right back to your "safe zone". You have more strength than you realize
but being emotional is causing you not to see this. You said 'it breaks
your heart to possibly not see your sons . .but you also said that your
abusive AH is abusing your 14 year old. . .If you wait until he's 18, that's
4 more years of abusive for him. Suggestion, go to an "open" AA meeting
and listen to some of the stories that people who got sober tell how
they had to hit rock bottom before they realized they lost everything . ..
I mean EVERYTHING . . ..your AH is in denial . . why would he be accountable
if he doesn't feel that he's done anything wrong? ...I learned something
from a former counselor of mine , one time he told me "Deb, there's 2 choices
in life . . (1) the easiest thing to do and (2) the best thing to do ....
The best thing to do requires energy, mental strain, work, planning,
crap to deal with, etc . .I know .. been there . .but the pain of staying
and what it's doing to you and your 14 year old is not going to change,
it may get worse . ..and the open marriage thing is a "cop-out" to
being accountable for his drinking . . .he can't put the drink down,
he's not ready, he may never be ready , . ...here's some wisdom....
Men do NOT listen to words, they listen to ACTIONS .. . .I'd seriously
reconsider going through with your initial plan .. . .Yes, you might
have to start over but material things can't replace "sanity, peace, freedom, etc.
I sense that you're overwhelmed and you have to find a balance
between "emotions and reasoning" . .. If you're not sure what to do,
(you really do need a break from AH) so you can think clear. . . .Anything
that comes out of his mouth is probably angering you, saddening you,
he obviously doesn't have any regards for your feelings, nor the kids ..
Kids adjust better than you think . . .but if you leave, you will be setting
an example to your kids that it's NOT okay for an alcoholic to be abusive
towards his family and reak havoc and chaos and arguing daily in the home.
Kids look up to their parents . . .sounds like you're the only one who's
cognitively intact, they're looking up to YOU ... .One of the adults
has to look out for the well-being of your offspring . ..That person
is YOU, since your AH is doing nothing but trying to not acknowledge
that he has a drinking problem nor it's pain it's causing the whole
family. If he's allowed to stay in the house and still drink and continue
the cycle of dysfunction, he wins. He's not going to get help. .. Drinking
is his "everything" ...He's in his own distorted world. .He can't see straight,
he can't think striaght, he thinks he can be "invincible" .. ..The drink takes
bandaids his anger, numbs his issues, problems, his feelings, besides
distorting reality in general and drinking is blinding him to what his happening
under his own roof. ...And when the "drunk" wears off, (btw, you don't have to
stumble to be an alcholic or drunk) I used to think that too . . .NOT the case.
I'll pass on one more thing I learned that I have told people in similiar situations
as yours .. .here it is . .. . .(the pain of staying is WORSE than the pain of leaving)
does that make sense?
Does your 14 year understand that he's done nothing wrong and that Dad has
a serious problem? . . Can he take 4 more years of abuse? . . .Child abuse
STAYS with you in your adulthood and the more he sees and gets the abuse
he might start pondering drinking himself to "numb" his pain . . .see what I'm saying.
Do you want to set an example for your kids that it's NOT okay for a husband
to treat his wife the way your H is and it's NOT okay for your husband
to abuse his kids. If you stay , (by not leaving) their getting the message
that it's okay to live his kind of life. Sorry to put it this way, but you don't have
3 children , you have 4 (your AH) . .. it's no wonder you're overwhelmed . .
Change requires mental energy and work and you have to remind yourself
that it is for the better and that "this too shall pass" and things don't
stay the same. I know a girl that was in the same position as you and this is
what she said "I stayed for the kids (to a certain point) and then she decided
enough of the alcohol and drugs and being treated bad so then she said
"NOW I'm LEAVING for the kids" . . .It wasn't easy , she got her own apt,
she did a lot of crying, he put her through h*ll, but not she has freedom
becuase they're divorced and she has her life back with no alcohol, no
dysfunction, and she has peace and isn't in a "prison" of crap anymore.
Her husband is paying the price now, he had a nervous breakdown
and the kids turned against him becuase he was a nasty drunk and he
cries everyday from ALL the regrets he had that he didn't see (the whole
picture) of what his drinking was doing to the family. NOW he's
all alone and is paying the price .. .and the guilt just made him drink
even more . .SHe knew she deserved better and she didn't fall
for his sappy lines/ letters, she made a decision and never second-guessedherself
and did it for HER and the KIDS . .and they're ALL doing fine except the
guilty one . (the abusive AH)
hope this helps!
wish you could talk to her, you wouldn't second-guess yourself ...she would
convince you that you can do ANYTHING once you put your mind to it.
Debs
hope this helps!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Venice. Thanks for your post. I feel like you're my sister. Thanks for that.
I seriously want to cry reading this. This breaks my heart. Because I did not have a HP for my entire life and I only just accepted my HP last year. Ironically, it was the most recent addicted person in my life who directly helped me to find my HP. God can be your HP if you believe in Him.
Totally normal. I cried for the first 2 weeks of Al-Anon meetings and I went every day. LOL
A bible verse helps me. Do you want me to share it?
I don't think I have a HP.
I don't know how to find one (yet). Yes, I've been to 2 Al-Anon meetings. I cried through most of the first one.
How do you "Let Go and Let God"?
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