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Old 09-14-2009, 10:57 AM
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New here, But not to forums

How are yall today.
Names Tom and my wife likes to call me an alcoholic.
I don't know how much you guys wanna read, but the story could be long.
So I'll just tell alittle about myself.
I'm almost 46 and been married to this woman since 1990
Thats about 87 years right? Anyhow, I have three kids and been working as an electromechanical Tech for 24 years at the University of Texas.
I'm basically the same person I was when she married me. We moved out into the country 5 or 6 years ago and now have too many animals in my opinion.
I love motorcycle and currently ride an 05 Goldwing. Been riding since I was 14.
I like Beer. I do go overboard some times. but for the most part, I think I keep it under control. Not drinking is not a problem. Part of my job puts me out to sea for weeks at a time with out.
She use to drink alot. 12 pack plus a night. Her dad was an alchoholic along with at least one of her brothers. In that last few years she has decided she want's to take the God route. Since then, My life and especially sex life has gone in the crapper. But It's all my fault. I don't hit her. Never lay a hand on her. She says I'm mean when I been drinking, But doesn't understand that what I really am is Intolerant. Yes I'm quicker to snap. Most people that know me, say I'm a nice guy. I love helping people out with my time and mechanical abilities. I like fixing things. But right now I don't know how to fix my marriage. What makes me an alcoholic? Because I like beer? The only person at my house that seems to have a problem with it is my wife.
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:10 AM
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Hi,

Well, if you don't think you have a problem with alcohol, that's great.

Hopefully you can carry on and enjoy your life.

Maybe seeing a marriage counsellor would be something that you could think about.
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:27 AM
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Per her request I did go see her pastor. He wanted to see us one on one first.
Then it was her turn and she told me she didn't feel comfortable talking to him alone. But then told me she finally did. Not sure what if anything got resolved.
Now I'm just waiting to find out when or if we will be seeing him together.
I have cut back on my drinking. It's not hard, But I just don't understand why I feel that I'm the only one that is suppose to change. I was like this when she married me, But since she decided to change, I'm expected to also. Now, I'm just not good enough. When Asked that question I was told that I needed to grow up.
I don't go to bars. I don't do the strip club scene. I don't cheat. I don't hit anyone. All I do is go to work, and come home now. I still like to see my friends once a week (all Males) But I'm a bad Guy. Why? Cause she can smell beer. Then harps on me about something and calls me mean when I stand up for myself.
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:32 AM
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Perhaps stop drinking for 30 days and she if her attitude changes?

It appears to be HER problem in that she is intolerant toward YOUR drinking.

But... if SHE has a problem, then YOU have a problem too, right
?
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:52 AM
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Red face

Do you like beer for the effect it has on you? If yes please share.

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Old 09-14-2009, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Firehazard View Post
Do you like beer for the effect it has on you? If yes please share.

I like the taste. I like the social part of it. I would have to say all my friends like beer. I like sitting around shooting the breeze with a few cold ones. Not in bars. More like someones shop or Garage where you don't have to yell to hear each other. Do I like the effect. Yea I would be lying if I said no. I don't like drinking too much. Not saying that I haven't . Drunk is not the goal I am seeking.
Lately though. I find myself wanting to stay away because there is nothing to look forward to at home. Even when I come strait home from work I might get a hello at best then she back in the bedroom doing what ever it is she does. So I go chat it up with the kids or watch TV.
For that last two weeks I have kept my drinking down to just a couple of times. I know I'm not gettin any. Thats been over a year now. My fault of course. She told me if I smell like beer then I aint gettin any. But even when I don't have anything to drink , still nothing. I'm suppose to change Immediately and completely, But with out reward.
Because she's not a *****. Thats what she told me.
I did her a favor not too long ago and jokingly said I was hoping for a reward that evening. Thats when she told me that little Jewel. WOW!
There is No way for me to earn that opportunity again.
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Old 09-14-2009, 01:14 PM
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Hi Tom

I'm not qualified to give marriage advice LOL but I wanted to welcome you to SR.

D
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Old 09-14-2009, 01:27 PM
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
i hope you find the help you are looking for.
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Old 09-14-2009, 01:30 PM
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Hi Tom it's like the old saying "woman marry a man hoping they will change, men marry a woman they hope won't change". Definetly sounds more like marital problems than alcohol problems. Good luck.
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Old 09-14-2009, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by jamdls View Post
Hi Tom it's like the old saying "woman marry a man hoping they will change, men marry a woman they hope won't change". Definetly sounds more like marital problems than alcohol problems. Good luck.
Thanks for the welcomes and Kind words. I will add that you are only hearing my side of the story. They way I see it. She has a totally different view of it. And to this day don't totally or in some cases partially understand it. Especially the part about me being mean. If I disagree or stand up for something I believe. I'm mean.
Your saying I have heard, and there is more truth to it that many want to believe.
I try to except people for who they are. I will crack jokes about the guy with his jeans around his knees. But in reality, It's a free land and one can dress like he/she wishes.
I truely try to be nice to everyone. Thats why this mean comment baffles me.
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Old 09-14-2009, 02:07 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by tommyk View Post
Perhaps stop drinking for 30 days and she if her attitude changes?

It appears to be HER problem in that she is intolerant toward YOUR drinking.

But... if SHE has a problem, then YOU have a problem too, right
?
I'd ditto that suggestion. I mean why not, you can still hang out in the garage

with the guys and not drink or drink something else.
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Old 09-15-2009, 04:12 AM
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What I do know is that you are right on one thing, there are two sides to every story.

When it comes to marriage I think there's a lot more to what's going on than just one person. You seem to have shared some.

My marriage? Yes, I drank, major alcoholic here, however, we're divorced, I'm sober and all the things that went on when we were married still go on as far as his "sick" behavior goes. So for anyone who can tell me "well you were drinking, what about him and his feelings?" I don't want to hear it.

That's my little vent.

If there is anything I could suggest that others already have is to give up the drinking for 30 days and see how that goes. I got sober and things haven't changed at all on the X's side. However I'm grateful that I don't have to live with his BS any more and EVERY DAY!!

If anything, for me and being sober, with my eyes wide open I can honestly say looking back that it wasn't all me. EVERYONE plays their part.

My best to you.
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Old 09-15-2009, 05:24 AM
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with vegibean, "EVERYONE plays their part."
Have U ever heard, "If momma isn't happy, no one is?" Very true..
Not a man hater here, by a long shot, but going threw a few medium problems here in my own marriage and I know I played my part and he his.
Your wife is changing, maybe 4 her it is better, don't know, but she feels that she needs 2 do something. Can U meet her halfway? Please do not take this personally but, it kinda makes me think that it is all about "U." Marriage counselling is a grand ideal.
Remember, 2 never play the 'blame" game.
Stay strong.
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by tallcactus View Post
with vegibean, "EVERYONE plays their part."
Have U ever heard, "If momma isn't happy, no one is?" Very true..
Not a man hater here, by a long shot, but going threw a few medium problems here in my own marriage and I know I played my part and he his.
Your wife is changing, maybe 4 her it is better, don't know, but she feels that she needs 2 do something. Can U meet her halfway? Please do not take this personally but, it kinda makes me think that it is all about "U." Marriage counselling is a grand ideal.
Remember, 2 never play the 'blame" game.
Stay strong.


Thanks for your input. I do play the blame game. It's all My fault. I know that, she keeps letting me know that. She decided a few years ago to quit drinking and get reborn. But because I don't follow like a lost puppy, I'm the bad guy. Now I'm a mean Alcoholic. Am I bitter? Yea I guess I am.
Long before this came about it was already starting.
First I was told not to grab her as she walked by, Inappropriately as she put it. Yea I would be sittin in my chair and as she passed I would reach out and touch her. This offended her.
So after she told me a few times I quit. I tried to touching thing like her neck or something appropriate, but only got winces. Oh that tickles, you scared me or something. So I stopped that. Then I was told to quit asking for sex. It was putting pressure on her. Then it was Stop joking about it. It's not funny. The the one that really got me was when I jokingly said something about it as gratitude for something I did for her and was Informed she is NOT a *****. Don't know where that came from. I never suggested that in any way. Things like this are funny on a sitcom. I can't even watch Everybody loves Raymond anymore, All the jokes they make about their sex life hit too close to home for me.
So you and someone else Both used the phrase if Mama aint happy , no ones happy.
Guess it don't matter a flip how dads feeling.
So as it stands now. I have a Wife that Doesn't want me touching her an any way. Definately doesn't want to touch me. Speaks very Little to me. Usually only to get me to fix something. Or complain about how I did fix something. I sure miss the days when she wanted me half as much as I wanted her. Those days are gone.
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:32 AM
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Tom I think maybe you should decide which is more important, your wife or beer?

Being an alcoholic I chose my beer.

The I had a moment of clarity that allowed me to see my future if I continued to drink, at the time the lose of my wife and kids was minor, but I took a really deep and HONEST look at my drinking, I saw that with the wife and kids totally out of the picture that I would drink for oblivion evry night, I already had some issues at work, but getting totally blottoed every night was going to take me over the edge.

Family lost, then job lost, then house lost, then truck! Nothing left but my constant companion my bottle. Oh yea and a slow death from my alcoholism.

Hey maybe you don't have a problem, if you don't have a problem and booze is not important then why not just quit and save your marriage?

Perhaps a quiz could help you decide if you have a problem Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You?

Now if you determine that you are an alcoholic then let me hit you up with a proven fact, as long as an alcoholic keeps drinking thier alcoholism gets worse, never better and it does not level off at some point, it always gets worse.

Now if you have no problem then why should it be an issue to simply stop drinking to save your marriage?

I almost lost my family and my life due to my drinking.

Do you drink more now then you did when you were 40? When you were 40 did you drink more then when you were 30? When you were 30 did you drink more then when you were 20?

Answering the above honestly do you see any progression in your drinking?

Marriage or beer?
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:02 AM
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Hey Taz. Thanks for you input. I'm going to take the test here shortly, I am at work right now trying to fix a Winch. (a mechanical Winch , not a female one )
But to answer you following questions. Honestly.
I drank alot more in my 20s than I do now. In my thirties I would wait till I got home to drink because the wife did to then. During the week I would drink from 1 to 6 beers depending on when dinner was ready. I seldom drink after I eat. Weekends. That was a different story. I use to do more Home Improvement back then. I loved working on a project around the house and having beer while I did it.
These days I don't do much home Improvement. Back then I would "for a lack of better words" Get something for my efforts.
These day's I get Nothing. Ok I get an thanks. And now I do it with out beer.
I don't drink around the house. Only when I'm with friends. For the last year that was every day after work. Like I said before, I am expected to Change, 100%, All at once, but I have to wait an indeterminate amount of time for her to "get over it"
This weekend I had a project I was working on, actually Three and completed them all. It was still early, Maybe 5 pm. and I was done and had nothing left to do. So I jumped on my Bike and got a couple of beers. They were good. I was relaxed and in a good mood. I went back home and was almost content to sit and watch TV. I didn't yell at anyone. I didn't hit anyone. I wasnt' mean. I just watched tv. So what did I do wrong?
In my eye's Nothing.
Sorry for blabbering on. I need to get back to work.
Thanks again for listening.
I know it's hard to give advice when You really don't know a person that well. It's easy to say, Stop Drinking that will cure all. If you only really knew it all.
More often than not, I feel my only purpose in life is to bring home the money and fix what they break. And for that I'm rewarded with Dinner when she's ready to make it and my clothes washed.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:06 AM
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Stopping drinking doesn't solve all the problems because I think drinking is a symptom of the problems. But, in my opinion, it's a good place to start. I hope that you and your wife are able to communicate and work on the issues between you.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:13 AM
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Taz
I took that test. I answered Honestly and Got a 3.
It would be a two if the wife didn't hate the smell of beer.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:26 AM
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You stated, "Guess it don't matter a flip how dads feeling." Oh, it matters greatly!
I can tell U love yr wife and U want it 2 B the way it was... That is so hard 2 deal with. Things and people change, like the wind, laws, and seasons....
Just give her space, go 2 counselling, work on this, isn't this what U want, I can feel it...but U want the loving 2. Nothing wrong with that..
Men R soooo visual, woman R emotional, we have 2 feel, it has 2 touch the heart...does this make sense?
Don't give up on her.
Stay strong.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by tallcactus View Post
You stated, "Guess it don't matter a flip how dads feeling." Oh, it matters greatly!
I can tell U love yr wife and U want it 2 B the way it was... That is so hard 2 deal with. Things and people change, like the wind, laws, and seasons....
Just give her space, go 2 counselling, work on this, isn't this what U want, I can feel it...but U want the loving 2. Nothing wrong with that..
Men R soooo visual, woman R emotional, we have 2 feel, it has 2 touch the heart...does this make sense?
Don't give up on her.
Stay strong.

Yeppers
I have said it many times to her when I hear the comment. All you think about is Sex.
Yes the physical Act is Fun. It feels good. But if she's just gunna lay there and get nothing out of it. Then I don't want it either. I'm not a romantic. Never have been. If I like someone, I do things for them. If I don't like them I ignore them. I'm not keeping score, but I'm sure I'm WAAAAAAY ahead on the who did what for who scoreboard. I have done so many things for no reward, I'm now qualified to to anything for nuthin.
It Hurts that she doesn't want me. This goes back way before drinking was the argument. Drinking is just the Latest thing I don't do right for her.
I quit that, There will be something else. My smoking? I'm sure that's the next target. Already don't like my soap. The way I dress, the way I talk, My sense of humor, My decorating skills , my taste in Colors etc. The list goes on like the smiths in the phone book.
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