Ilanga

Hey ladies, I'm checking back in after doing pretty well for the past couple of weeks. I went to a barbecue yesterday and met an ex mutual friend of me and my ex and he told me that my ex is now engaged to the new g/friend. Apparently they have known each other for about two months, she has been telling everyone about the ring she's going to get and she is setting up location details etc. My friend says my ex is still in outpatient rehab and isn't sure how things will work out, but is in love and planning to have the girl move here from out of state. I am just stunned. I know he was engaged to his ex before me, and when he asked me to marry him I told him he needed up to sober first. But this? Any (former) addicts on the site that can give me some insight on this? I feel like I'm right back to square one emotionally. Why would he be rushing to do this. Is he so totally in love? Wow...any input you guys that can give me some kind of closure on this would really help. I know now I will get none from him and dont' plan on asking him.

laurie6781

So .......................... he's still in outpatient rehab. Means he fairly early in recovery ............................. he is not listening as in rehabs they STRONGLY SUGGEST ....................... no major CHANGES the first year ie into or out of a relationship.

Sounds to me like he is just 'marking time' and has found himself a new 'dumb' HOSTAGE to enable him.

Be grateful you are off the Roller Coaster of Addiction and he is no longer a part of your life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

teke

i agree with laurie, sorry you are hurting because of this. you choose not to except his behavior but maybe for now she has. imo, you are the lucky one, you got out before it got even worse. outpatient rehab? seem they both have a lot of getting to know each other and we can all imagine how this may work out.

besides, who knows the mind of an addict. marriage after to months for a recovering addict? could it be some kind of power stunt? manipulation?. focus on you and let them have their mess. addicts sometimes use whoever will let them.

Ilanga

Ladies:
Thank you. I don't think there will ever be any answers in my mind. I just have to keep moving forward. And just put it to one of those things that don't make sense (at least to me). I wish he had been honest from the beginning, but maybe that was askign too much.
Thanks again.

Envelope

I know you are hurting, he has made quick plans and they sound irrational to me. And we know what happens when you amke irrational descisions - they are not for good and best for what you ideally want. Time will show, you will see.

My advice is always remeber why YOU made the descision to tell him to sort himself out when he wanted to tie the knot with you. Know and believe what your self worth is and stay true to yourself. You cannot go wrong!! You are beautiful and intelligent so brace what life has to offer. The wheel will turn for you. Just dont wait, make plans for your future and take it one day at a time...

Learn2Live

Marriage always sounds like a TRAP to me, especially when it's with an addicted person!

I would be willing to bet my entire house that your ex isn't IN LOVE with anything but the booze, including this woman.

URMYEVERYTHING

I don't think I have much more to say than the other posters other then you are blessed things happened this quickly for you. It is surely a WOW but a blessing.

She is a tool to his addiction.

PurpleWilder

He has been engaged 3 times that you mention and so far hasn't come through for any of them. That speaks for itself.

truthhurts

I think he did you a favor in the long run.

Lick your wounds, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and keep on going!!! You have a lot to offer someone who is healthy and can appreciate your wonderfulness.

kj3880

When we addicts are in early recovery, a lot of times we choose to get in a relationship to change our focus away from the painful reality of what we've done to our lives and others. These early recovery relationships are very common and almost never last long and are not ever healthy.

More to the point, why are you still focusing on him? What can you do to bring the focus back to you and how to improve your own wonderful one shot at life?

Love,
KJ

lost84

the girl from the emails?????? with the pictures???? is he engaged to her?

Ilanga

lost 84: yup, it's the girl in the emails.

anvilhead: you are right. I keep remembering how we were sposed to be taking a trip to europe in a few weeks, and now it's hard to wrap my head around how quickly everything has changed. he's probably replaced my name with hers on the itinerary. that's why i keep seeking "closure" but that means different things to different people. no worries though, i'm very good at "focusing on myself", extremely good at it in fact (lol)

lost84

First of all thats SICK. and makes me SICK. it is hard to look in the mirror when your left for trash but sometimes its best to try. Alot of people have told me "if nothing changes. NOTHING changes." and i am seeing how that is true now. ur ex is in some real hurry to purpose to anyone it seems? thats not LOVE. not sure what his motives may be but glad your not the one stuck with him.
that relationship wont last.. it actually grosses me out (the way she was with those dirty pics ect)
it will definatly take time, no matter if their both addicts believe everyone who tells you eventually the cookie will crumble, and maybe then he will realize what he gave up, however you will be long gone and it will be his loss as well as his time to clean up his life if thats even possible.
i hate DRUGS!

Ilanga

thank you lost84 and have a great day!!

neecey1224

My EXAH thought that if we got married and if he transplanted himself into my "normal" lifestyle (the kind of life he said he had always wanted for himself and dreamed of), that being in the desired environment would be like waving a magic wand and magically change him into who he wanted to be - without any effort on his part. A lot of people - addicts and non-addicts - want things to magically and easily change. Sounds like this mentality is occurring (and has a history of occurring) with your ex.

I think its hard for most people to accept that its going to take work - A LOT of work - to make our desires happen. And for some of us with hard heads, it is not until we are shoulder deep in the muck that the path of least resistance has led us to, that we become entirely willing and motivated to not only do the work to get out of the muck, but WHATEVER IT FREAKIN TAKES(!!!!) to create the life we want (which is a heck of a lot more work than just getting yourself out of the muck!).

Its clear your ex is nowhere close to this realization. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to be dealing with someone on an ongoing basis who has his head plunged so deep in the sand that it will most probably take many many MANY years for him to dig himself out (it tends to take that long when you use a toothpick as your shovel). As for the new girl? She is in la-la land right now. We've all been there. In the end (which is more often than not on the heels of the beginning), it is NOT a happy place. I doubt she's bringing him a backhoe to dig himself out....maybe just her own toothpick.