Notices

I just need an outlet

Old 09-13-2009, 11:02 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ApprovalPending's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lancaster PA
Posts: 2
I just need an outlet

I needed somewhere, anybody, to vent to. Ever feel like you just can't talk to people around you because they don't suspend judgment? I need that. I am 22 years old and I have a newborn that lives with my boyfriend's father and stepmother because I tested positive for cocaine at the time I delivered. I live in PA with my boyfriend. I have not used any drugs since before I delivered on August 11th, and I believe that I will not relapse. I'm not saying I wasn't beginning to become addicted. I hate myself everyday for my decisions and I'd give anything to be with my little angel again.

Before meeting my boyfriend, I drank and smoked pot a bit more than occasionally. I met my boyfriend Chris that way, and his place was drug and party central. He's 26 years old. I could write books upon books and I really feel like I need to, and that I should just keep writing to get it out. My boyfriend has tried every drug known to man, he knows everything there is to know about drugs, interactions of alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs. He takes vicodin, tramadol (muscle relaxer) neurotin, and soma. I think that is the current list anyway. I'm not sure how much of each, but he gets scripts from different doctors to maximize what he can get. He had an accident and had a crushed vertebrae and had surgery back in december that he claims made it worse. It may have, but he has lied, and continues to munipulate his mother, his whole family, and me against one another for his own gain. I guess I still love him. If I kick him out, he'll be homeless. I also need the help with rent at least for next month. He's going to college and gets money back next month, so he'll be helping out since I can't go back to work until the 22nd. I feel like I have no choice. Then I'm sure some women can't relate to the emotional obligation I feel, like I'm waiting for him to mess up, so I can have that "solid" reason to walk away from the constant fighting, the slamming of the doors...

I've never been an angry person, but I actually feel like hurting him when he says the horrible things he says to me. I hit him for the first time when he threw something at me. He caught my pinky mostly, but he bruised. He told his mother about it, and I want somebody to believe me when I say it was not as bad as he makes it out to be. To be called a "bitch", "****", having him use my sexual experiences with ex-partners. It doesn't stop until I'm yelling, and I feel depressed and I go straight to angry now, I skip over being nice anymore. I hate what I've become. I want my baby back. I want him to get help and actually want it, not because he's being forced to. I'd like him to at least stop telling his mother bad things about me. I experimented with quite a few drugs after meeting him. I never blamed him for the choices I made to do drugs, but it was his contact people. If he isn't around, drugs are never an issue. I started occasional cocaine use only after half-way through my pregnancy, and more the last month of pregnancy after our fighting got worse. It was the only time we got along. I have to go to mental health through the children and youth, and emotional issues, I'm sure, are the reasons of mine for doing what I do. I need to understand myself more, to learn and make better choices. I wish I could say it was all about the drugs, and what I have to do different, but it's more about this relationship from hell. I'm just waiting for him to mess up, but that's a horrible way to live. I'd rather work things out, but I can't be the only willing party, ya know? I feel so stuck. 99% of me knows I'd be better of without him. I wish I could say that I don't need him.

I check his email. It's wrong and he doesn't know, but I wouldn't find out most of what I do if I wasn't paranoid enough to do so. I am sad to say I am often right when paranoid about his behavior. A friend of his asked him just yesterday if he knew of any smack around. He may even meet up with him on Wednesday. He had told me he traded his meds for morphine pills from this friend, and I think he had been doing heroin, snorting, again. Probably not recently, but he had met up with him at least in late July, if not in August. I can't get solid proof on that though, so I'm thinking it's not worth confronting him about just yet or he'll know how I found out. He runs out of his medication, and fills scripts often, sometimes paying like $65 out of pocket because insurance won't cover more than so many pain pills a month. I can't keep track of any of it. I never know what he's been on and he has been on vicodin since I met him 3 years ago. He has been on so many things, lied, and I kept coming back. I should have left many times, and now I am more stuck than ever. He once was drinking, on about 3 different types of pills, plus valium, so messed up driving, then in his father's house, stealing some child's a.d.d. medication that his stepmother looked after during the day, dropping pills everywhere. When I tried to stop him, and I was at work and had just got off so I was unaware of all of what he was actually on. That's the only time he ever hit me. And threw me into walls, dragged me down steps, tried to hit me with my van, and much more. I forgave him and I guess I really haven't completely. I can't explain why I'm still here. I have always sought to understand things, and I just can't understand why I feel so stuck. I can be clean. I promise myself, and whoever will hear it. I have too much to lose. There is always the possibility, but I promise because "I promise to try" just isn't good enough. How can he love drugs more, and be so unwillng to stop?

Who am I anymore?
ApprovalPending is offline  
Old 09-13-2009, 11:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Hi ApprovalPending

Welcome to SR

Congratulation on your sober time!

I think you're right that you need an outlet - have you considered AlAnon or NarAnon?
We also have Family and Friends forums here that you may want to check out as well.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

It's so important to keep reaching out - and you'll find a lot of good advice here at SR into the bargain

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-13-2009, 11:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Owner of a strange glitch.
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
ApprovalPending, welcome.

Don't know if that's the approval process...

AP, I can relate to a lot of what you said about needing for him to mess up in order to break the tie, I've been there.

But consider, he's only hit you once? But also

And threw me into walls, dragged me down steps, tried to hit me with my van, and much more.
that's all physical abuse, sugar. And he's getting high, so he's not predictable. Is it really worth the money he'll be getting back from school? Are you so sure you'll even see it? Sounds like he needs lots of money for those scripts.

Waiting on him to mess up so badly that you can justify leaving him to yourself is a very dangerous game you're playing. You're recovering from delivery still, you're in no shape to be living with a potential killer...

You might want to check out the codependent forum on this site:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Take care of yourself, you're worth it regardless of what he says. And you're not alone.



-TB, from (very bad) experience
thirtybubba is offline  
Old 09-13-2009, 11:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ozstrayleeya
Posts: 2,950
..you are important to me..
..good advice will more..becoming..at you..take care....Oz..
OZboy is offline  
Old 09-14-2009, 03:55 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
vegibean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Wow AP. I know you're here to get some things off your chest and I can see that this guy has caused you some pain. But I have to ask the obvious, what about you and your newborn?

Being an addict/alcoholic I can tell you that what he's doing is going to come first before anything else, unfortunately. I wish you the best and hope that you'll put yourself and your new child before him and his issues.

Welcome to SR!! You'll find a lot of great support here. :ghug3
vegibean is offline  
Old 09-14-2009, 04:30 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
grateful to be here
 
bohemianzen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 426
ap i'm so glad you are here. and spill your guts out all you want -- no 1 it helps to get things out (believe me i know) no 2 it's a good first step to the next good step. i'm glad you are not taking drugs and see the danger in that.
your first priority is: what do you have to do to get your baby back? if it was me i would do everything (and anything else i could think of or professional ppl could tell me) to do straight down the line to that one goal. obviously one thing is providing a safe environment for the baby: meaning at this point your bf is not part of that. i think you know that without anyone telling you from what you posted.
my first real relationship was with a terribly abusive (physically and mentally) guy. it has had an effect on every relationship i've had since. so i feel for you and send support for you to be strong enough to do what you have to for yourself. but even though i understand, don't let yourself be a victim. you do have a part in this too.
i don't mean to be preachy to you--please don't take it that way. but the bad relationship part of your story rings a bell with me and things i've been thru....
please keep posting and letting us know how you are. we are a supportive bunch on this site. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
oh and congrats new mommy bo
bohemianzen is offline  
Old 09-14-2009, 09:32 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ApprovalPending's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lancaster PA
Posts: 2
I thank you all for your time and thoughts. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of what's in our hearts and heads. Saying it's complicated may be just an excuse, but it doesn't make it untrue. I know things need to change.

Today Chris' mother called looking for him, not something which usually happens. (I was out volunteering for 'Food Not Bombs', trying to get myself out and my mind more active and healthy.) When I called her back, I had the rare opportunity to share my concern with the two friends of his who are from around her area. He goes there and has met up with them in the past, and they are both addicted to heroin, among other things. I think I mentioned before that he's been in contact with them and I'm not 100% sure about why, but I have my suspicions.
Anyway, I told her I was concerned, that I cannot control what he does. I kept it short but I think it really got through to her. (which reminds me Dee, love the T.S. Eliot quote.) It's not winning the war, but it's one battle won. Chris is still her son, and she'll believe him for the most part when he has whatever he has to say.

Today wasn't as bad with Chris. I'm trying to give it time. I see him trying in some ways, but it just doesn't look like enough. We got along mostly. I was out of the house shopping for food most of the day. When I came home, he didn't want to see what I had gotten, so I knew something was wrong, when I remembered that it was Monday. Time to fill his prescription. Well, apparently the pharmacy screwed up again, which according to him, happens all the time. We do the Rite Aid dance, where I'm just hoping it goes well so he's not so irritable. Well, I got some mumbled explanation about Rite Aid not being where he wanted it filled, that CVS was where he was trying for, then something about the people at Rite Aid pharmacists being rude, but do you know what he sounds like when he calls, insisting that they SHOULD be able to do something? He sounds like somebody who needs help. I can't tell him any of this, and I have tried. I figure at this point, it's better to let him be and say what he really means to.

Anyway, rambling again. When I came back and sat down next to him, the little argument raged until I calmly left the room. He came into the room I was in, asked why I left the room, and wasn't happy with me saying I didn't want to argue, that it was petty. He just keeps pushing sometimes, saying things that aren't reasonable even in an argument, or especially. It gets to me, how can I stop it from getting to me like it does?

That is the one thing, if anything, I'd like an opinion on. How, when somebody keeps pushing you, and even when you walk away won't quit, can you not let it get to your core? I'm trying different things, niceness will occasionally work, but only when it's admitting fault or ignoring things. Coming back to the issues at a "better" time hasn't worked. I go to my sister's, across the street sometimes. Anger does not work, but it's where my mind and emotions go nowadays.

After posting last night, I was able to be a little nicer today instead of going right to angry. It made it a little easier. I guess I'm also afraid that he'll eventually catch on though, and he'll ignore my attempts to just keep the conversation calm. I wish I knew how much his meds and whatever drugs he could be on really played a part in all of this. He was calmer before bed after taking 'x' amount of Somas.

Oh, more importantly, we met with our new social worker from children and youth this morning. I made sure to get an email for her as well as her number. We signed a family plan, and basically it's some more waiting, 5 weeks now, and 2 more or so until they send a drug and alcohol evaluator out to recommend or not recommend treatment. I also have a mental health goal. So it will still be a while, but I'll be back at work soon. I waited until later to call the same social worker and told her I had some concerns. I asked if vicodin and heroin would fall into the same category in a drug test. Would you believe that it would? It's a loophole I suspected he already knew about. The social worker said she'd look into it and ask questions when I asked if they did further (usually not? because it's more expensive) testing to differentiate the two, and of course there are more opiates that they'd have to differentiate between. He has a history of excessive heroin abuse. I just can't accept that he could actually do these things without any consequences because he just keeps switching drugs as needed. I want him to get help, and I wish they'd throw him in rehab, but life doesn't work that way, does it? I think he wants help sometimes, but I am just not sure.

I haven't thought about drugs for myself, drinking maybe, but no drugs. Sitting outside of my sister's apartment, I smelled pot coming out of somewhere, but it kind of made me sad because I don't have my son. Not because of pot, and I always thought pot was harmless. I still kind of do, but I'm not tempted because it comes at too high a cost. I miss my son every day, and I worry constantly that even though he appears healthy and normal, that his mental development may not be normal, and I get angry when I think that I have to wait and find out, that I can't just know right now if I caused him any more harm. I worry that his left eye gets lazy occasionally and may be a warning sign. Is that normal for a newborn? Chris' stepmom says it's fine, but she went to the doctor with him, and I didn't. I will love my son no matter what, but I'd like to know. I made a promise when he was born that I'd protect him forever. I really miss him. His big beautiful blue eyes make me happy, but they also make me sad sometimes. He wasn't in the NICU but the worse thing of all is, that I delivered early the day after doing cocaine and it could have caused me to go into labor. It could have been worse and I can't point the finger at anybody else but myself.

I've got this meeting in the morning for this matched savings program I'm doing. Trying to get back to school maybe in the late Spring. Not sure about a major yet. I just want to give my son more. And I'd like him to be proud of me for doing something right.

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."
-Stephen King
ApprovalPending is offline  
Old 09-14-2009, 10:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Welcome..You have def found an outlet.
There is alot of support here.
I cant much more to what has already been posted.
I do want to share a story with you tho if you dont mind.
I got pregnant back in 96. First time ever. I was using crack for the first 2 mos because I didnt know I was preg. When I found out I stopped completely. Got my butt out the streets and got a job. Did everythign I was suppose to. Until my BF, baby father started bringing the **** into the house."To sell". Me being the addict I am cant just let free drugs sit in my own house.
So knowingly preg I took the whole package and locked myself in the bathroom while he was sleeping. I told him when he woke up that I flushed it because I didnt want it in the house.
A few weeks later we got in a huge fight and he backed me into a corner and puched me in the face and threw to the floor and then followed me to my car a nd jumped on me in my car and choked me. Our room mate had to pull him off me. Thats the first time he ever layed a hand on me.
So I took off and disappeared to the streets and crack motels for a couple days.
He came looking for me and found me. Ended up chasing me down the highway at high speeds because Iw as scared to stop.
I finally did.
I went home to my grams after that. Not too long after that I went for a routine check up for the baby.
It usually only takes a few minuted to find the heartbeat. The lady was taking more like half an hour. She told me she was sending me to the womens hospital for an ultra sound. Again there I am on the table waiting for over an hour this time while they do the ultrasound.
The nurse leaves and comes back and tells me the babys heartbeat is faint. That it will be dead in 2 days.
I have never felt so sick to my stomach and my geart literally felt like it was cramping.
I went home and lost it. I thought I was going to go on a complete self destructive rage episode. My Bf was suppose to come home to be with me. He never came home. He decided to go hang in a strip club all night and spend the night who knows where.
I couldnt believe he did that to me.
2 days later I had a d & C to have the baby removed.
I am lucky they didnt test me or I would have been arrested.
Needless to say we just went on a complete crack binge that lasted for about another year or so.
Dope love.
I left him in Florida when we became homeless because we would rather get high than have a place to live.
I will never forget standing on the sidewalk on A1A Daytona Beach with all our stuff stacked beside us. Nowhere to go. No money and no one to help us.
I went back home and that was pretty much it for us.
I will never forget what I did to my baby. Its not proven that my drug use caused it. But I know it didnt help at all.
I still havent forgiven myself for it.
And now....I cant have kids. That was my only chance. The BF was gunned down in Florida in 2005.
Focus on what matters. It doesnt sound like he is it.
Love yourself and your baby. He isnt going to anything until he is ready. And he will only drag you down with him.
I hope you make the right choices for you and your baby.
I hope you stick around too.
Aysha is offline  
Old 09-15-2009, 12:39 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Owner of a strange glitch.
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Pending,

Keep up the sobriety, if you can do like you did and give it no second thought, great. Getting your child back, that's a goal to work towards.

-TB, still worried, but on your side...
thirtybubba is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:04 PM.