Bonnie's Husband Duey..............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Bonnie's Husband Duey..............
Hello out there ......I'm Bonnie's husband, Duane,.....call me Duey....she's been reaching out for over 2 yrs,...Bonnie said just write how you are feeling ...it's not good....I've been trying to be the stoic "my son can't hurt me; I can take anything he throws my way" type of guy....pulling him out of ditches,........paying back thousands he has stolen from others(from friends, not directly from us ) ....I'm sure you all have suffered 10 times worse.....his first rehab was July '07............he volunterally went in to a temporary rehab Monday 9/07/09..............I know this is a life time endeavor to be clean and sober but meanwhile brother, son, father, mother, husband and wife relationships are being eroded away from all of us....everyone here on this site seems so positive...I would give anything to support and uplift as you have done for us.....I feel so selfish but I just don't know how to do that right now...with regrets, Duey
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR Duey, glad you joined us. Please feel free to read as often as you want and to post when it feels comfortable. It takes a little getting used to but people here truly understand your feelings because we have been where you are.
I sent you a note, if you need help setting up your own account just let me know.
Hugs
I sent you a note, if you need help setting up your own account just let me know.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
You will find lots of support here Duey.
One book I can recommended for this entire family is "Reclaim Your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. It's a very good book and it will help you to understand the family dynamics during one's addiction. Please do not let HIS addiction "erode" or tear apart what you and your family have created.
Take and care and much prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.
One book I can recommended for this entire family is "Reclaim Your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. It's a very good book and it will help you to understand the family dynamics during one's addiction. Please do not let HIS addiction "erode" or tear apart what you and your family have created.
Take and care and much prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Duey, I know it is devasting when our child has found recovery and then relapses. It's so hard to watch...But as you know, we can't cure it or control it, and we did not cause the addiction.
My husband and I found going to Naranon meetings to be terrific support. It's fine to just go and listen. Maybe you can give it a shot...It's not so scary when someone goes with you. Alanon's great too if there aren't Naranon meetings around.
It's been several years since i have had active addiction in my life, but I still go to meetings because I have grown to really care about the people in that group and I want to be there for the newcomer the way my friends were there for me. Most members of the group I ended up in are parents of kids with addictions. We've made great friends and socialize together - Even if that may not be the case in all situations, it's just so nice to know there are others who have been where you are and have found a way to a place of peace and serenity.
Prayers for you and your family.
My husband and I found going to Naranon meetings to be terrific support. It's fine to just go and listen. Maybe you can give it a shot...It's not so scary when someone goes with you. Alanon's great too if there aren't Naranon meetings around.
It's been several years since i have had active addiction in my life, but I still go to meetings because I have grown to really care about the people in that group and I want to be there for the newcomer the way my friends were there for me. Most members of the group I ended up in are parents of kids with addictions. We've made great friends and socialize together - Even if that may not be the case in all situations, it's just so nice to know there are others who have been where you are and have found a way to a place of peace and serenity.
Prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, Duey. It's so great that you are taking this risk by reaching out. Hopefully some other guys will come along and make you feel "at home" with the group. My best wishes to you and Bonnie for taking these steps to find some serenity, peace and yes, even JOY in YOUR lives, whatever your son decides to do with his. We are only given this one life, Duey, and it's ours to choose how we are going to approach it each new day. Myself, finding myself here at Sober Recovery online helped remind me that I was NOT responsible for my son's choices, nor did I have to suffer through life with endless worry and despair, that I could remember the 3 C's and turn my son's choices over to him and his higher power, and I could start from that day forward to honor MYSELF and my own future, something I do have control over. It was hard some days, Duey, but in the long run I'm getting pretty good at being happy most every day 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
Hi Duey,
Welcome and sorry you have to be here. I am in the same place as you for we too have paid back thousands of dollars, paid for several rehabs and paid for a lawyer. It is heartbreaking. My son relapsed in January after a year clean. We thought he finally had things together, great job, apartment and it all came crashing down. Right now he is in jail for stealing and he soon will be going to a court ordered rehab for a year. I try to understand how this could happen but even he can not explain it. It is hard on the entire family and causes a lot of tension. I don't think it will ever be easy but slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that I can't fix this. Everyone says the addict has to hit their bottom and so do we. I think I am finally almost there and you will know when the time comes for you. It really is comforting (and sad) to know so many people are going through this. Keep reading and posting you will learn a lot. Best of luck to you and your family.
Welcome and sorry you have to be here. I am in the same place as you for we too have paid back thousands of dollars, paid for several rehabs and paid for a lawyer. It is heartbreaking. My son relapsed in January after a year clean. We thought he finally had things together, great job, apartment and it all came crashing down. Right now he is in jail for stealing and he soon will be going to a court ordered rehab for a year. I try to understand how this could happen but even he can not explain it. It is hard on the entire family and causes a lot of tension. I don't think it will ever be easy but slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that I can't fix this. Everyone says the addict has to hit their bottom and so do we. I think I am finally almost there and you will know when the time comes for you. It really is comforting (and sad) to know so many people are going through this. Keep reading and posting you will learn a lot. Best of luck to you and your family.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey, duey, welcome. glad you stopped by. sorry to hear about your son and i pray this time around will be his time. seems as if you've done all you know to do to help save your son, glad to hear he is in rehab now. i know it hard but try to keep the focus on you.
i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs behind me, but it has been hard work getting here. i've been in rehab quite a few times but it took for my family to totally cut me off, allowing me to suffer the consequence of my own actions. then and only then did i see a need to seek recovery and desperate enough to keep it going.
you see, as long as i had someone to bail me out, provide a warm landing pad whenever i needed one, i had no need to be serious about getting better. i had to reach rock bottom. i pray that your son does well this time but even if he decides he's not quite ready, you still can get better. keep the focus on you. reading, posting and meetings is what helped to save my sanity. my husband of 23yrs is an active addict but after 21yrs of this, i had to step aside so that he can hopefully find his own way someday. i do know your pain and i will keep you and your family in my prayers
i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs behind me, but it has been hard work getting here. i've been in rehab quite a few times but it took for my family to totally cut me off, allowing me to suffer the consequence of my own actions. then and only then did i see a need to seek recovery and desperate enough to keep it going.
you see, as long as i had someone to bail me out, provide a warm landing pad whenever i needed one, i had no need to be serious about getting better. i had to reach rock bottom. i pray that your son does well this time but even if he decides he's not quite ready, you still can get better. keep the focus on you. reading, posting and meetings is what helped to save my sanity. my husband of 23yrs is an active addict but after 21yrs of this, i had to step aside so that he can hopefully find his own way someday. i do know your pain and i will keep you and your family in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome Duey... but sad that you have decided to be here. There are many wonderful people here who will be along to offer support. This forum has helped me so much. People like your wife and others have been a life line for me as I have dealt with the pain that addiction causes in each of our lives. Read around, keep coming here and know that we all are praying and supporting you. As I said to Bonnie a couple days ago... big hugs across the state!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Duey I am glad that you have decided to join us. I hope you will also join Bonnie at some of her Alanon meetings.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
We here know how difficult it is to 'step back from the addict' in our lives and watch their ACTIONS and not listen to their words. We also know how hard it is to stop 'enabling' the addict in our life.
Please read Co Dependent No More, I believe Bonnie has a copy, lol
Please feel free to call me as Bonnie does, she has my number. I will talk to you the same way I talk to her, like a "Dutch Uncle" rofl.
You can get through this, and you and Bonnie together can and do make an AWESOME TEAM!
So, look aound, read the 'Stickys' at the top of the forum. Ask questions. Come here to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.
We will walk with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
We here know how difficult it is to 'step back from the addict' in our lives and watch their ACTIONS and not listen to their words. We also know how hard it is to stop 'enabling' the addict in our life.
Please read Co Dependent No More, I believe Bonnie has a copy, lol
Please feel free to call me as Bonnie does, she has my number. I will talk to you the same way I talk to her, like a "Dutch Uncle" rofl.
You can get through this, and you and Bonnie together can and do make an AWESOME TEAM!
So, look aound, read the 'Stickys' at the top of the forum. Ask questions. Come here to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.
We will walk with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Welcome to SR. This place is very important to me as the mother of an addict. When you say you are trying to be stoic, as if your son can't hurt you - well of course our addicts can and do hurt us. It's OK to be human; Gotta allow ourselves to feel. But i think the point at which I was able to not feel so completely defeated, devastated, panicky, depressed, and so on every day, was when I really got with the following:
1) Nothing I did or did not do made a bit of difference. I really was powerless over my addict daughter. All my manipulation, tears, anger, trying to control events, trying to force consequences, and so on did not change anything. She continued to use.
2) I was so tired of being in pain and fear about all of it. I wanted my life back.
3) I decided to believe that God is a power greater than me, greater than my daughter, and greater than the disease of addiction. He is also loving & caring.
So if I am truly powerless, and if I am truly tired of the unmanageablity and the suffering, then I can truly surrender (one day at a time) to this really loving and caring God.
So then it got much easier. But I still have scary feelings and thoughts at times. Difference is that now I quickly remind myself that this is God's battle, not mine. Also, I need to talk about this stuff here, especially when something new happens. It really helps to know that other people 'get it' and that they also can get thru it.
1) Nothing I did or did not do made a bit of difference. I really was powerless over my addict daughter. All my manipulation, tears, anger, trying to control events, trying to force consequences, and so on did not change anything. She continued to use.
2) I was so tired of being in pain and fear about all of it. I wanted my life back.
3) I decided to believe that God is a power greater than me, greater than my daughter, and greater than the disease of addiction. He is also loving & caring.
So if I am truly powerless, and if I am truly tired of the unmanageablity and the suffering, then I can truly surrender (one day at a time) to this really loving and caring God.
So then it got much easier. But I still have scary feelings and thoughts at times. Difference is that now I quickly remind myself that this is God's battle, not mine. Also, I need to talk about this stuff here, especially when something new happens. It really helps to know that other people 'get it' and that they also can get thru it.
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