NewChapter

I've been lurking for a while....thanks for the wisdom and support I've already received here. Short history: married 27 years to alcohol abuser. 3rd generation (at least) alcoholic, 3 of his 6 siblings alcoholics/addicts. Last 4-5 years drinking more, away from home more, angry, dismissive, mean to family but "great guy" to all others. Behavior is getting worse and more people are seeing who he really is. I dragged him to marriage counseling for 6 months but the sessions became his time to list his everexpanding list of grievances against me. Marriage counselor suggested he has depression (he says only needs better diet and exercise) and an alcohol problem (he says no, he watches it very closely because he "never wants to have to stop drinking" and that he isn't like his father because "my father was a mean drunk and I am a fun drunk"). He has left the "men of character" in his life behind and is hanging out with men I don't know and barflies at his favorite haunts.

He is convinced that his emptiness inside, his sense of abandonment and his depression are because of me....that I abandoned him, God abandoned him and I "chose the children over him". In fact, after our second son left for college (leaving 2 teenage girls at home), he started acting like an empty nester....out every night, drinking more, etc. Told the girls that if they don't like their relationship with him, it's "Mom's fault because she kept me away from you." We're living in the same house---if he wanted a relationship with them he knew where they slept. I was the only parent they could count on.

Six weeks ago, just before our youngest left for college, he told me "we're done." He told our marriage counselor that if he can get away from me, "after a period of self-loathing" he will be happy. I am struggling with this because it is so clear to everyone that he is suffering, but divorcing me and breaking up our family is not the solution; however, I have gone no contact for the most part over the last month, although living in the same house, and am beginning to feel hopeful, that there may be something better in the future for me. Also remembering red flags from years ago that showed me that I haven't been #1 in his life for a long time, if ever.

So I'm learning that the blaming and attacking behavior goes with this, as well as the extreme denial he is in. Having done all I think I can do, I am making plans to move out, whether he files for divorce right away or not. This holding pattern I'm in still has him running the show, and my stomach hurts when I come home and see his car in the garage. Am I FINALLY on the right track? Thanks for any thoughts you can offer.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. You have found a great resource for support, hope and experience.

You asked if you are finally on the right track? Does it feel right in your heart?

I think you are finding that the no contact/engaging in your current situation is giving you a much needed break from the quacking. Everytime he opens his mouth to you and your daughters and starts the drama about how he is misunderstood and underappreciated, he is quacking. Trying to manipulate others into catering to his every need.

Every time you try to engage in conversation with an active alcoholic, they hear blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag. Everytime he starts the drama you're hearing quack, quack, quack, oink, oink, oink. See the problem?

There is a lack of communication. He wants to drink, forever, and be left alone about it. You want to give up your front row seat to his drama.

The solution is to look within yourself. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to look after yourself. Learn to love yourself. Begin your journey of recovery.

Have you tried Alanon or individual counseling for yourself? Have you spoken to your children about the alcoholism and informed them about Alateen?

Pull up your keyboard and make yourself at home.

Bernadette

Yes New Chapter! If you are making decisions based on what is best for you in your life and looking forward to a future you can shape the way you want - then you are most definitely on the right track!

my stomach hurts when I come home and see his car in the garage. -- yuk, that is such a crummy way to be living...I hope you can get out and find some peace of mind (& body) for yourself soon.

Glad you're here-- welcome!
peace-
b

NewChapter

Thanks for the welcome, Pelican and Bernadette! Yes, I have been to several Alanon meetings--the first one on an evening when I didnt' know how I'd get through the next minute, much less the next day. I learned the 3 C's that night and I've been on my way toward recovery ever since. I have also been going to my own counselor for a year. She has helped me see my role in this and how I have twisted myself into a pretzel over the years in an effort to please him (now I know that's not possible). It feels good to untwist, and, as my counselor says, "when you untwist, you get taller!".

I am concerned about the kids. A son is 24, out of town, out of college and working. He is feeling guilty for not being here, and is aware of the alcoholism issue. Next son is out of college, 23, living at home while looking for a job. He and his Dad are best buds and ALL the time they spend together involves drinking. Son #2 is also town between what his best bud is doing to his Mom and sisters. He told family friends: "I think my Dad would be happy if I don't get a job so he could have his frat brother in the basement to drink with any time he wants." Daughters are away at college and both damaged by the drinking. One won't speak to Dad, the other confided the following to a teacher last year: "My Dad has become quite the party animal. I go for days without seeing him. Some nights he comes into my room drunk and wakes me to say goodnight...like that counts for seeing me that day."

It's good that 3 of the 4 are out of town living their own lives right now.