jade09

Hello,
I am an alcoholic.
Been trying to quit on my own for about 4 years. Many, many ups and downs.
I drank last Sunday after a few months sober.
I finally have given in and started going to AA on Monday and have been there everyday since.
My husband refuses to speak or see me.
We have a terrific realationship, we are best friends, the only bad part is that I can not stop drinking.
Like I said, been trying to quit for 4 years, thinking, promising him I can do it on my own. But it only lasts for a couple, few months--great happy months--and then i drink and we go thru the misery all over again.
He takes it personally. He thinks I do it to hurt him.
I do not blame him for anything. I know this is all my own doing and I know how much pain I have caused him.
Just looking for some advice of what I can try to do/say to him when and if he does want to see me again???
I don't want to say the wrong thing to upset him anymore.
I will do whatever it takes to not lose him.
Thank you

sandrawg

Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. This is so hard for everyone involved.

My ex is an alcoholic in denial. I've felt the exact same way as your husband--many thoughts in my head like "he gives me 1000 reasons to keep drinking; I'm giving him 1: our relationship. Why doesn't he want to save our relationship?" I definitely took it personally. When he was trying to "cut down", my friend ended up seeing him drunk at his favorite bar. I got mad at him and threatened to throw his things on the lawn.

We codies are always full of thoughts "why is he doing this to me"??? Then we act out in anger..then we feel guilty...then we feel sorry for the alcoholic..it's a terrible merrygoround.

The codie and the alcoholic then end up walking on eggshells. So afraid to say or do the wrong thing. I was always thinking, "omg, I'm sure I must've said something to make him feel bad about himself, and that led to him drinking again."

Push, pull, push, pull.

I think my advice would be, try not to worry about saying something that's going to "set him off." You both would do well to own your feelings and realize that neither one of you is *making* each other do anything--your words, behaviors, etc., are by your own choice.

Nothing my exabf said made much of a difference, because i learned to look at his actions. Alcoholism leaves a trail of resentments and broken promises. Makes it hard for the codie and the A to trust each other.

Now, maybe if he had finally broken down and admitted his disease...that might have made a difference. That's the only thing that probably could have.

That is so great that you're in a program-I commend you and wish you the best. If my ex got into a program, I would want to see a longtime pattern of continual working the program before I could even consider getting back into a rel'ship with him. simultaneously, I'd need to be working my OWN program, through al-anon, or CODA or whatever, whihc is what I've been trying to do.

If I were you, I'd focus right now on my own sobriety. Lord knows, that is a tough road as it is, without trying to put a lot of energy into your relationship. My advice...hold off trying to contact your husband until you have a sponsor, start working the steps....get as much advice and support from the good people in AA as you can. Do what it takes to help yourself, get yourself healthy and on the right path.

When your husband sees you making these changes, there is nothing you will need to say...your actions will speak for you. That will give you the best possible chance, IMHO.

Best of luck to you!

laurie6781

Continue with AA. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Don't Drink.

As you grow and change in recovery, he will see by your ACTIONS that your are serious. If you should talk, keep the discussion as 'light' as possible. Keep it simple. IF he should ask "what is different about your quitting this time?" Then you can respond with "I am going to meetings, I have a sponsor, and I have started working the steps." Then change the subject.

Your recovery is on you. His is on him. Whether he chooses to get help or not is up to him.

What Anvil said:

Is so true!!!!

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

I don't want to say the wrong thing to upset him anymore.

Then don't make any empty promises. They hurt like hell.

I hope you all the best in your recovery.

Hammer

Hi Jade.

You have been on airplanes where there is a pre-flight safety briefing? They always say something like "if the Oxygen masks drop down -- Put on your own, FIRST. And then help others, including children around you."

Do you understand why you have to put on and take care of your own mask, first? It is because if you fail to take care of you, FIRST, you may not be able to help those others around you who may need help.

Works the same in this realm.

Sure, that is a good heart on your part.

But for now, fix you. FIRST.

You will have plenty of time to worry details after that.

jade09

thank you all for the input....i of course do not know how it feels to be on the other end of this realationship...i am thankful for that.
all this time i never imagined the extent of the pain i was causing.

i realize i am lucky he put up with me for this long.
i know only my actions and time will make any difference at this point. it is difficult to wait, but i guess it's been even more difficult for him to have lived like this for years.
thank you again, and best wishes to you all

Linkmeister

Nor do I know what it feels like to be an alcoholic. If your partner wants to talk about how he feels, what he went through, how he is feeling now, listen to him without judgment -you may begin to gain an understanding of the pain we go through watching someone we love on a path to self destruction and powerless to stop it.

Two weeks ago, I gave my ABF over to his Higher Power as he was out of control, on a binge of alcohol and benzos that I thought for sure would end in him either dying or landing in jail. I had to call the police twice in one night to have him forcibly removed from our place. He ended up living at a men's shelter and for all intents and purposes, homeless as I would not let him back into our place. Before this, he refused AA, had been in rehab twice and resisted all attempts at help.

Since that incident, he finally admitted to himself and me that he was powerless over alcohol and started going to AA. We are living apart, both working on our respective recoveries-him in AA, me in Al-Anon and it will not happen overnight - his drinking didn't reach this stage overnight and he knows he has a lifetime commitment to AA to stay sober. We are both taking this one day, one hour and some days, one breath at a time.

Today when we met for coffee, he had tears in his eyes and thanked me for saving his life, for doing what I did in calling the police and since he had nowhere to go, ending up in that shelter. He told that no one ever in his life ever cared enough for him to do something like that - they just walked away from the drinking. This included his family and friends. He acknowledges that it was not the excuses or scenarios he dreamed up-it was alcohol that drove them away.


My ABF said the same thing to me but by us talking openly and honestly, can share our feelings and pain and it helps to see what the other person went through.

Good things come to those who wait, jade. This didn't happen overnight and to rush recovery is IMHO, rushing back to the way things were before. Things will happen the way they are meant to happen, all in good time.
You both need time to heal.[/QUOTE]

Jadmack25

Hi Jade, I am so glad that you are in to AA now, and willing to work on recovery, not just cease drinking and go it alone. My ABF has had many periods of sobriety, but refuses to go to AA, and up to now it has been a case of
"when the going gets tough, he gets going...........to the nearest pub for a few beers".

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, as you battle your way thru this trouble.

I wish you strength, determination and healing during your recovery.

God bless

Learn2Live

Hi jade09,



I am an alcoholic, too. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic, and a person who has lived with and loved many people with alcoholism and drug addiction. I have been in recovery from alcoholism and relationships with other alcoholics/addicts for 12 years. Like you, I have relapsed time and again.

Here is my advice to you:

1. Understand that when a person goes DIRECTLY after what they want (like you may be wanting your husband to see and speak to you)
such directness is a powerful force. Most people do not react well to such power and directness. This is the reason folks are telling you to keep going to A.A. and focusing on yourself and your own Recovery. This is an indirect path to getting what you want.

2. In my opinion, saying you are sorry to your husband AGAIN would be insulting. Loved ones of relapsing alcoholics commonly think,
"If you were sorry, you wouldn't keep doing this to me."

I personally am VERY tired of hearing "I'm sorry." Every time I hear this, I think, "You're NOT sorry; stop lying to me!"

I believe the same thing about "But I love you," and "But I care about you," and "But I need you." I have heard this SO many times if I hear it again I will scream (and I often do). Save it. If he doesn't know that you love him and care about him by now, saying these words again is not going to change that.

3. Also, in my opinion, when "you" ask forgiveness from the other person, you are asking the wrong person. Not only that, you are continuing to allow that person to think and believe that he has the power to forgive you for something that is not between You and Him. Not only that, you have probably asked his forgiveness as many times as you have said you are sorry. Save it.

4. Your husband is probably sad, hurt, confused and disappointed right now. He is not talking to you or seeing you because he is protecting himself. Try to respect that and allow him time to recover from this latest relapse.

5. Don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow. You cannot fix whatever is happening; you can only fix yourself. Focus on doing that.

6. Understand that you are just as Codependent as your husband may be. You may want to read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More."
It is probably available at your local library.

:ghug3

7. Try to spend some time thinking about ONE thing you would like for your life, that does not involve or require other people to achieve it with you or for you. It cannot be a thing you want to buy or get. Just one thing you have wanted or now want to do or be (other than married and sober). You may have to think back to high school and what you dreamed of doing, or liked to do back then.

For instance, you may have always wanted to be a travel agent, a beach bum, or a businessowner. Perhaps you always wanted to build a fence around your house or go to Africa and see the Serenghetti. Maybe you always wanted to go to college and get a degree in art history. You get the idea. Don't throw out anything because you think, "I can't." Just brainstorm.

Then, pick the ONE thing you want to focus on for your life, make up your mind that you will achieve that one thing. Then, figure out what things you might need to do to attain that one goal. Keep track of your thoughts and ideas on paper.

And Hang tough. You can do this.

jade09

thank you so much!! i keep coming back to this and reading it daily. it is really helping me.
i am on day 10, been to a meeting everyday and doing my best to refrain from calling and begging for forgiveness. trying to stop the selfishness and trying to keep my actions in motion in the right direction towards recovery.
thank you again for the input, advice and experience.

NoelleR

"... i keep coming back to this and reading it daily. it is really helping me.
i am on day 10, been to a meeting everyday..."

Goodonya, Jade09....! (o:

As others have said, keep going to those meetings. Of course, the good ole arrive early and stay late are always good suggestions, too, and finding a sponsor and working the steps.....it truly is a program of action (kinda hard for this ole lazybones, but I gave it what I could, and it worked).

I know approaching others can be hard, but a couple of suggestions that were made to me by a very wise woman (who would later become my sponsor, at the time), I will now pass along to you.......:

1) Get at least TWO NEW phone numbers from folks at each meeting you attend. In the beginning, it might be best to keep these phone numbers for folks of your same gender. Later on you can branch out, but in the beginning, it's usually best to 'stick with your own kind' so to speak (at least when it comes to.....: boys vs girls); and

2) Every day CALL, AND SPEAK TO, at least THREE folks. Now, answering machines DON'T count, but if you're strapped, you can use your local AA intergroup for one of your three calls for the day. In the beginning, it may be hard to call, and don't feel you need to have conversations (perish the thought!). In fact, in the beginning, if you're a bit shy, all you need to do when they answer is say something like, "Hi, this is ____________ (insert your name here), and this is one of my AA calls for today," at which point, you can hang-up. Even I managed that much, and I'm VERY standoffish/unsociable.....And you never know, you may be 'just what the doctor ordered' for that person on the other end of the line. On one of my calls, many years ago, I had done my dialogue and was about to hang up when the person on the other end piped in with.........(obviously paraphrased here after all this time, but not by much), "Oh wow! Perfect timing! My life is &*^%#@$#%$$^. I was just sitting here with a bottle of Southern Comfort, a script of hydrocodone, and my trusty Sig Sauer....." So, you see, you never know; and just like it's not all about me, you'll find that it's not all about you either..... (o:

Now, in case no one has ever told you how important that ten ton phone is.....it just might save your life sometime, and in the meantime, these two suggestions, and specifically the second one, will get your 'muscle memory' working, so that.......when in doubt....?/when you want a drink..../whatever 'stuff' you might be in.....at that time, you will automatically reach for that phone and call someone.....staving off a possible relapse..... (o:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, there ya go, my 2-cents worth, and my two simple suggestions. I hope I didn't come off too dictatorial or whatever. I've always found that sometimes the simplest solutions and actions are the best, and believe me, I like to keep things very, VERY simple.....like the (what come folks call silly) answer to the age-old question...How does one attain long-term sobriety? Well, don't drink, and don't die....see....simple, and absolutely the right answer.

So, I guess in closing I'll just say again.....keep it simple; it truly is..... (o:


NoelleR