meo348241

I felt very tempted last night. Life threw a few punches at me in the last couple of days. Quitting smoking sucks big time. Thats not making me want to get drunk or high but, man, I'm not having much success with staying away from nicotine. That has a lot to due with the fact that me and my wife have been fighting. In short, I was upset about her going somewhere and so now all these trust issues are being resurfaced on both sides. It feels like no matter what I take issue with, my addiction will always be held over my head. If I'm upset that she's doing this, she can bring up well "remember that time you didn't come home that one night last year" or "remember that time 2 &1/2 years ago when you punched holes in the wall." Of course I remember!

I actually don't have time to keep typing...I have a lot more to say but I have to go to my job that I absolutely hate...I'll try to finish this later.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're struggling meo - like I said to someone else today - it's never easy to do this - and sometimes it seems impossible...but at base level you just have take what you did yesterday and do it again...stay committed and focused and keep reaching out.

You can do this
D

Pelican

Congratulations on another clean and sober day!

I'm sorry you are having struggles in your relationship. Getting clean and sober means that you both are learning to respond differently to situations. She is expecting old behaviors from you, and you are expecting new responses from her. It takes time to adjust to the changes in yourselves and the relationship.

The serenity prayer helps me see my part in day to day situations:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (people, places, things),
The courage to change the things I can (me, myself and I),
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep coming back and venting here, we understand.

Reese321

Remeber that we learn the MOST about ourselves when we struggle. When we're happy, and everything seems fine, we reflect the least on our ourselves as people, or try to make changes.

I still smoke cigarettes. At this point, I don't think I can give it up. That is a struggle I will try to tackle very soon, though.

If you are living with a person that is using past bad expierences against you, you need to remind them that you are working through sobriety. That is not easy. And the fact that you are doing this has to say something about you as a person. I would really imagine that for every 10 alcoholics or drug addicts out there, maybe only 10% are attempting sobriety. We here are a very small minorty. This says a lot.

Good luck man.

tommyk

As I search for solutions to problems I keep firmly in mind that drugs & alcohol are NO solution.

No solution, no reason, no excuse.

coffeenut

You made it through that struggle clean and sober! Yaaaaaaaaay!

Take it easy. Take it slow.

Reese321

I just want to mention, in connection to my post, that anywhere from 8-25% of individuals use some form of addiction to cope with life. I imagine it is much higher, but the denial factor plays a large role in the configuration of this number. It was based on a study I read recently, but unfortunately I do not recall this study's financial benefactor or who it was from. I will try to look for it, but I am not sure how successful I will be after the fact.

meo348241

thanks everyone for the support. Did I mention I hate my job? Worked more overtime today. For the record I don't need the overtime. It really bummed me out because I couldn't watch the Eagles game. I'm watching it now on my DVR. I guess this is better than getting sloshed with my friends but this all feels really foreign. Not good foreign like things have been feeling. Ah well...This job has me down. I'm a college graduate, just shy of a Master's and I'm working a nightmare shift in a cold, cold warehouse. I know that my addiction sidelined my initiative and progress, and that ultimately that is why I'm stuck where I am. I have a poor driving record and a criminal record. Yet I have a really good work history and an excellent academic record. I guess the former trumps the latter. I accept this, but it doesn't make it easier to stomach. It doesn't help that the work is really starting to take a toll on my body. My back hurts all the time. I can't drive for more than 45 minutes without being in some serious pain. I know some things that can alleviate back pain. I got a massage last week and felt good until the work weekend started. I can't afford $75 dollars every week. I'm going to take a yoga class but I'm not sure what results I can expect and its still a few weeks away. However, pot/vicodin/booze are easily attainable and would provide instant relief. I'm not even entertaining the idea but its another difficult reality to face.

As a far as my relationship, we seem to have reconciled after out latest flare-up. I guess these things are to be expected. I know I have to re-earn her trust. Its hard though when you know that you're doing everything right, most things anyway. I also have expectations for her. She's the biggest piece of my support system now. I'd like it if she could do some things for me even if I might be asking a little more than is fair. She doesn't always have to do this but yesterday was a really sore subject. In short, she was attending an event where some people who I am extremely uncomfortable with were also in attendance. They include people who were actively encouraging her to leave me and this guy who she developed feelings for when we were close to divorcing. It was also an environment where substances were readily available and flowing.

Now, I know she was going to stay sober. It still really bothers me when she is around people who are not. She seems to enjoy their company. Why was it a nightmare to be around me under the influence and not them. I would think she would want to avoid addicts and alcoholics like the plague at this point. It also tempts me. There's still that part of me that wants to join the party.

Now I know those who encouraged my wife to leave did so with her best intentions in mind and that they did so with some cause. One problem is that they did not know me at all. They knew nothing of the dynamics of our relationship. I know deep in my heart that I'm good for her just as much as she's good for me. Even while I was actively pursuing my addiction this was true. I needed help, not for my wife to leave me. To her credit she didn't. I was given an ultimatum but she wanted it to work and stayed. I resent these people. I'm not even sure who all they are. I think the mystery bugs me more. I also never met the other guys, but I hate him. It's irrational but I do. She tells me that he never even knew. I suppose a believe her but, again, this doesn't help.

In case you might be wondering, I have major trust/abandonment issues. I'm working on them but it is not easy. All this mentioned above happened directly before I got clean 5 months ago. The pain is still raw. I never in my rational mind envisioned my wife leaving me, the irrational abandoned little kid was scared to death. Its hard facing this stuff, especially without my old crutches.

Sorry for the rant. I don't want to have a little pity party for myself, I just need to vent. I made it through the crisis, but I'm still blue. I know I'll be stronger for this and that the only way all the problems I talked about are going to get better is for me to stay sober and keep confronting my demons. Again, thanks for listening and for the feedback.

Reese321

If you are seriously in doubt of your wife's devotion to you, talk to her! The reason why she probably feels more comfortable with these other individuals is because socially drinking is seen in a different light than alcoholism. It seems that she drinks, so perhaps she enjoys alcohol with people "she perceives" don't have a problem with it. I think it is a minor, inconsequential, issue. I wouldn't worry about it. She's still with you, right? Right, so that says something. Maintaining a relationship when you are trying to get sober is hard, because you are not only trying to take care of yourself, but someone else AND you synergistic relationships as well (all relationships, regardless of their nature, are synergistic, because it involves party A, combining with party B, to create something like C (a + b = c). I hope you know what I mean.

You cannot predict what your wife will do. She is her own person. But, fundamentally, as long as you are direct and honest with her, what else can she blame you for? Really, the only thing she can blame you for is being honest! And if she decides to leave you, or look for something else because of this, there is nothing you can help. It just is what it is, so to speak.

You seem like an earnest individual. Stay true to yourself, and do your best and be honest, that is the only thing that ANYONE can ever ask of you.

Good luck man, and keep it up.

meo348241

Perhaps this doesn't really matter but my wife is 100% clean. She used to drink/use, perhaps not as hard as me, but for sure not a social drinker/user. I wouldn't call her an addict. She seemed to have no problem walking away from any substance accept nicotine. I'm jealous of that. Not jealously that leads to resentment, I just wish I could do that. Anyway, at the various points in time that she decided she didn't want to use a substance, she always had a big problem with me using them. I guess that's not abnormal. Its a lot to ask an addict to do though. Even so, I get it and I'm 100 percent on board with that idea now. However, she always said that she didn't mind other people using because she "didn't have to take care of them." But even when I got hammered and she in no way had to deal with me, she would still be pissed off. I think its so hard for me to deal with because not only does she like to spend time around people drinking/using, she seems to prefer the environment. The event she attended yesterday wasn't a few people having some drinks with dinner or smoking a pipe and watching a movie. Rather, it was for lack of a better term, an open-air drug market. Most of our mutual friends (and I'm sure the lion's share of the other people) who were there are at best problem drinkers and users. This stuff almost killed me and very nearly ended our marriage. Why a sober spouse of a recovering addict wants to be around that is beyond me. I know what she enjoys isn't about the substances but you can't miss them at things like this. Its all very out in the open and celebrated.

Anyway, just thought I'd clarify.

Reese321

Your issue is complicated. Using my analogy from above, it seems you are carrying your own sobriety along with a variety of issues tied to your wife. That's tough! There is really nothing that can be said here that hasn't already been said. I would recommend marriage counseling, because that is really the only way to disentangle these issues, tackle them head on and resolve them.

If that doesn't work, then the only thing I can say is that your current relationship only seems to be complicating your ability to take care of yourself. I can't comment on more than that.

But definitely good luck, and I hope everything gets sorted out.

Aysha

I know alot of us feel exactly the same as you right now.
I know I recently went through the whole "remember when" BS with my grams all last week.
I hate my job as well. But I dont have an education. I will be starting that next Monday.
The only thing that makes my job tolerable is the fact I really like everyone I work with.
Who likes cleaning up after people in a hotel? Not I. But it pays the bills. Barely.
I have extreme knee and back pain too. Especially at night. I want to just bang them into the wall. Some reason I think that would feel better than the aching pain every night.
I have gotten alot of advice from my friends here to find something to be grateful for.
I use to get mad at that. LOL
I would be like..Grateful for what? That I totally wrecked my life and now I am paying for it til I die? That now I am trying and it doesnt matter cause now I have all these strikes against me?
I have a record too. Not good when trying to find a job.
I am not you. I am not even in the same kind of a situation.
But the same feelings are there.
I do try to be grateful for what little I do have going on.
And I will definately tell you that everyday that I have to get up and go to this thankless job of cleaning hotel rooms. It makes me that much more motivated to do something about it.
As for getting your past thrown at you all the time. I go through it too.
It makes me angry and hurts alot sometimes.
But just like when there are 4 little cousins ages 2 - 7 running wild and loud in my house. I have gotten really good at tuning things out.
It is hard to ignore those comments tho.
It is a low blow at times.
But it is probably the truth.
I try to keep in mind that I KNOW that was then and this is now.
And just do the right thing and soon there wont be anything to throw in my face. Hopefully.
I know I am not much help. But your not alone.
Hang in there. And your doing good. Your sober..right? Thats all that matters.