Finally not trying on my own
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
Finally not trying on my own
So..quick re-cap on my misery to this point--
Started drinking when I was like 14--and just never stopped. Drank every chance I had. Drank before school, during school...every opportunity.. I took it. I still remained a straight A student, and athlete somehow...graduated and continued to drink, a lot, hiding it most of the time, or at least how much I was actually drinking.
I continued like this for several, several years-functioning---exsisting--always knowing I had a drinking problem...but never actually ever wanted to have to quit for good...so I, like us all, tried to control it--but to no surprise this was uncontrollable.
My husband finally told me I need to slow down.....which eventually turned into that I need to stop.
I agreed, at least the non-alcoholic part in me agreed.
So when I was 29 I really tried to stop, on my own.
This turned into years of pure hell and misery for us both, as well as my family.
I would do ok for weeks, months...and go back to sneaking, hiding, lieing. Self hate, depression.....the whole package.
Vicious cycle...tried to see a therapist...??? too much $$
Many other horrible details of life mixed in...but too long to get into.
So here I am now..33 years old. I was doing well for a few months....fighting with myself EVERYDAY not to drink. Still trying to do it myself.
I failed once again on Sunday.
My husband may have left me. Has not spoken to me since.
I went to my first AA meeting on Monday, and have been going daily ever since.
Don't know what else to do anymore. I do know I can not do it alone.
Trying to remain positive about the future and just wanted to share. Anything that will help me make it thru another day. Thanks
Started drinking when I was like 14--and just never stopped. Drank every chance I had. Drank before school, during school...every opportunity.. I took it. I still remained a straight A student, and athlete somehow...graduated and continued to drink, a lot, hiding it most of the time, or at least how much I was actually drinking.
I continued like this for several, several years-functioning---exsisting--always knowing I had a drinking problem...but never actually ever wanted to have to quit for good...so I, like us all, tried to control it--but to no surprise this was uncontrollable.
My husband finally told me I need to slow down.....which eventually turned into that I need to stop.
I agreed, at least the non-alcoholic part in me agreed.
So when I was 29 I really tried to stop, on my own.
This turned into years of pure hell and misery for us both, as well as my family.
I would do ok for weeks, months...and go back to sneaking, hiding, lieing. Self hate, depression.....the whole package.
Vicious cycle...tried to see a therapist...??? too much $$
Many other horrible details of life mixed in...but too long to get into.
So here I am now..33 years old. I was doing well for a few months....fighting with myself EVERYDAY not to drink. Still trying to do it myself.
I failed once again on Sunday.
My husband may have left me. Has not spoken to me since.
I went to my first AA meeting on Monday, and have been going daily ever since.
Don't know what else to do anymore. I do know I can not do it alone.
Trying to remain positive about the future and just wanted to share. Anything that will help me make it thru another day. Thanks
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Jade, sorry to hear all that, but glad to see you're back on track. The AA meetings are a definite positive. Day at a time, right?
Don't know what else to say, but I'm here, for what it's worth.
:ghug2
Take care,
-TB
Don't know what else to say, but I'm here, for what it's worth.
:ghug2
Take care,
-TB
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by jade09 
So..quick re-cap on my misery to this point--
...I was doing well for a few months....fighting with myself EVERYDAY not to drink. Still trying to do it myself.
...I was doing well for a few months....fighting with myself EVERYDAY not to drink. Still trying to do it myself.
Recovery is not drinking and FEELING GOOD about it.
It sounds as if "fighting with myself EVERYDAY" is closer to abstinence than recovery. Those of us who choose the spiritual solution to recovery do not "fight" the obsession. We loose the obsession completely (YES - 100% of it).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 11
Hi again Jade !
Glad to see that you are staying active here, and the meetings !
You can't change the past - so you have to accept what has happened. You don't have to like it, or be proud of it, but "It is what it is".
Accept the things that you cannot change.
Now, you can have the courage to change the things that you can. Have the courage to not drink today, and "just do the next right thing." You cannot fix everything all at once. Turn it over to your version of your higher power, and you might be amazed at where it takes you ! As you are comfortable, let your husband, family, friends know that you are not drinking. Sure they may sceptical based on history (I'm guessing), but when you tell them it's been "X" days and you are going to meetings, etc. Just let them know that and hopefully they'll see that you are serious. Hopefully there will be some support there.
Everybody goes through different phases. I did the first six months of not drinking and was happy to not drink, and then my mind started to try to convince me or pull me back, or I finally realized who I was (at age 48) and had to figure out how to live life on life's terms without having the escape of alcohol, or all the social actvivities centered around alcohol. That's when I started going to meetings and starting my recovery and sober life. I sum it up that way sometimes - my (almost) nine months is made up of six months just not drinking, and now three more months of actually addressing "me".
Everyone has some different combination of the physical and mental parts of the alcohol addiction. Listen to what everybody has to say here and at meetings and take away the parts that help YOU.
Best wishes,
Paul
Glad to see that you are staying active here, and the meetings !
You can't change the past - so you have to accept what has happened. You don't have to like it, or be proud of it, but "It is what it is".
Accept the things that you cannot change.
Now, you can have the courage to change the things that you can. Have the courage to not drink today, and "just do the next right thing." You cannot fix everything all at once. Turn it over to your version of your higher power, and you might be amazed at where it takes you ! As you are comfortable, let your husband, family, friends know that you are not drinking. Sure they may sceptical based on history (I'm guessing), but when you tell them it's been "X" days and you are going to meetings, etc. Just let them know that and hopefully they'll see that you are serious. Hopefully there will be some support there.
Everybody goes through different phases. I did the first six months of not drinking and was happy to not drink, and then my mind started to try to convince me or pull me back, or I finally realized who I was (at age 48) and had to figure out how to live life on life's terms without having the escape of alcohol, or all the social actvivities centered around alcohol. That's when I started going to meetings and starting my recovery and sober life. I sum it up that way sometimes - my (almost) nine months is made up of six months just not drinking, and now three more months of actually addressing "me".
Everyone has some different combination of the physical and mental parts of the alcohol addiction. Listen to what everybody has to say here and at meetings and take away the parts that help YOU.
Best wishes,
Paul
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Dear Jade, (((((Hugs)))))
I'm so sorry about what's going on with you right now. That is really sad. I will pray for healing in your life and your marriage my friend. Keep up the awesome work with going to AA meetings too, your Life will CHANGE before your eyes and everyone elses hon!!
Love Pancake xo :praying
I'm so sorry about what's going on with you right now. That is really sad. I will pray for healing in your life and your marriage my friend. Keep up the awesome work with going to AA meetings too, your Life will CHANGE before your eyes and everyone elses hon!!
Love Pancake xo :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by Boleo
Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling bad about it.
Recovery is not drinking and FEELING GOOD about it.
It sounds as if "fighting with myself EVERYDAY" is closer to abstinence than recovery. Those of us who choose the spiritual solution to recovery do not "fight" the obsession. We loose the obsession completely (YES - 100% of it).
Recovery is not drinking and FEELING GOOD about it.
It sounds as if "fighting with myself EVERYDAY" is closer to abstinence than recovery. Those of us who choose the spiritual solution to recovery do not "fight" the obsession. We loose the obsession completely (YES - 100% of it).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Boleo is spot on, i've been working the steps with my sponsor and what has been promised in the big book has happened. I'm living proof that this isn't a maybe...or too good to be true...the fact that you came onto SR not so long ago and have now realised that you cannot do this alone or for yourself is a massive step in my opinion...i went out there on numerous occasions before i got into AA...you don't have to do the same, this could be the start of a new life...if you work for it and really want it:-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: STROUD, OK
Posts: 158
Do not worry about the past, just contemplate what's before you.
~Tseng-Kuang
I just couldnīt help noting that the signature you chose.
Very helpful to keep in mind as my past ate at me in those first few weeks as I tried to not let it affect me.
I never fought with myself too much I donīt know why. Maybe I was too enmeshed in using, or just to stupid. I just let the drugs win.
Ihope things will get better with each passing day. They did for me, thanks to the support here on the forum, and from the principles that I took from recovery related materials, info and help from meeetings. When I consciously applied thesein my life (as best I could at the time) coupled with the abstinence , or not using, I felt real progress.
Iīm still working on it, and I wish you well as you start putting one foot in front of the other
Chris
~Tseng-Kuang
I just couldnīt help noting that the signature you chose.
Very helpful to keep in mind as my past ate at me in those first few weeks as I tried to not let it affect me.
I never fought with myself too much I donīt know why. Maybe I was too enmeshed in using, or just to stupid. I just let the drugs win.
Ihope things will get better with each passing day. They did for me, thanks to the support here on the forum, and from the principles that I took from recovery related materials, info and help from meeetings. When I consciously applied thesein my life (as best I could at the time) coupled with the abstinence , or not using, I felt real progress.
Iīm still working on it, and I wish you well as you start putting one foot in front of the other
Chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
thank you all for the words...it truely does help!!!
went to another meeting tonight--have one picked out for tomorrow...
i have tons of studing to do to make up for being in a fog all week...so that's what the plan is for the rest of the wkend...
the saddness is sucking any positive feelings i somehow find..but
i am going to keep moving foward, hoping each day is alittle easier to face.
it is inspiring to see the people at aa--the ones who are happy...
gives me hope, and alittle strength to keep going back...
nothing else has worked thus far---so i'm gonna just stick to it..
day by day..
thanks again for all the kind words and support...hope everyone is well and still moving in the right direction
went to another meeting tonight--have one picked out for tomorrow...
i have tons of studing to do to make up for being in a fog all week...so that's what the plan is for the rest of the wkend...
the saddness is sucking any positive feelings i somehow find..but
i am going to keep moving foward, hoping each day is alittle easier to face.
it is inspiring to see the people at aa--the ones who are happy...
gives me hope, and alittle strength to keep going back...
nothing else has worked thus far---so i'm gonna just stick to it..
day by day..
thanks again for all the kind words and support...hope everyone is well and still moving in the right direction
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