Cath1029

Hard to shake this feeling today. Even though AH has been a monster, I still loved him dearly, you know?

I'm not going to do anything but sit with this feeling, just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean I have to act on it (I'm learning that). But I'm sad because I know what could have been and wasn't. Hope you guys don't think this is stupid to feel this way. I know the trauma he has caused. Just the part of me that loved him so much is hurting at this particular moment.

I went to a women's meeting today and was amazed by the stories I heard and how similar they were to mine. Being in a relationship that almost killed them and having to detox from it as well as alcohol/drugs. I got one woman's number because it felt like she was speaking directly to me and had come out on the other side. She might be good to talk to.

I met with my sponsor after the meeting for the first time. She is a wonderful lady and has set me on my way of working the steps. She bought me breakfast and listened to my story and gave suggestions without telling me what to do and offered spiritual guidance. It was wonderful, yet here I am still with this heavy heart today that I can't seem to snap out of. Maybe it's just part of the process?

Freedom1990

It is a part of the process. I remember having a heavy heart as well. We grieve the loss of a relationship/marriage, no matter how dysfunctional it was.

I hope that you will come to see, with time, as I did, that it wasn't a healthy love at all. I married my EXAH for all the wrong reasons, and today, love has an entirely different meaning.

The whole marriage was based on neediness on both of our parts.

It's okay to be sad, to have a heavy heart. This too shall pass, I promise.

:ghug2 :ghug2

bookwyrm

Good for you for not acting on this feeling!

I do think it is part of the process. I've been separated for over a year now and, as I'm packing stuff for the big move, I'm feeling sad over the loss of the dreams and plans for the future that came with being with STBXAH. But I know enough now to realise that it will pass and I will create my own life without him.

Be kind to yourself and know that it will pass. :ghug3

Cath1029

Yes, it was not healthy. I spent 3 years trying to make AH into something he wasn't--a family man. And he made me think he wanted that too, but his actions spoke WAY louder.

I guess I needed to fill the void from my first husband of 17 years cheating and leaving me. Not that my love for AH wasn't real--it was very real--but it was me trying to create a happy family that didn't exist. Plus, our daughter came along, and I needed it even more after that. But he didn't like my boys. He didn't like dinner tables or family events or outings. He wasn't satisfied being loved and adored by me--the whole world had to adore and love him too. He was never content. It really hurt.

Cath1029

This song is going through my head today. Oasis--Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm
Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (i'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone

Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

Freedom1990

Wow, what powerful lyrics! I'm not familiar with that song.

I love your new signature line, Cath.

I've learned through the years that the difference between God's will and mine is that my will usually hurts.

Things go so much better when I let God do the driving, you know?

Cath1029

Thanks. The song itself is beautiful. Check it out on You Tube.

Yes, I say that little prayer like 100 times a day. It has been comforting for me.

Freedom1990

Cath1029

WOW, thanks Freedom! I didn't even know you could do that here!

That song has set the tone for the day for me. Sad yet hopeful.

Freedom1990

You're very welcome.

The sadness will pass. I see many good things in your future! :ghug2

TakingCharge999

Freedom and Cath you two are lovely ladies.

The signature rules, its like on the movie "Contact" where the seat is shaking and trembling and Jodie Foster, my heroine (come to think of it I will rent that movie today) just takes the seat belts off and starts floating peacefully... when I realized I am just a pawn and will never ever know the greater picture I can wash my hands... and just know somewhere somehow all this makes sense. I am just a pawn and before I thought I was the master chess player

Thanks for the song! Its GREAT I will be listening to it over and over...

I listened to this one for months to lift me up:

Bjork - all is full of love

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you

All is full of love
You just ain't receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love!
be the little angel

All is full of love, all is full of love
All is full of love, all is full of love ...

TakingCharge999

Great message!

Cath1029

Thanks, TC999. Definitely inspirational. Hey, whatever works, right?

Cath1029

Phone rang at 2:00 a.m. It was AH. I picked up this time (codie move, you don't have to say it).

He had been out drinking in the crowds, downtown where he lives, but said he felt totally alone. He says he is not fulfilled. I guess he was having a moment of clarity or something. He said he gets himself all dolled up, but nobody seems to care. He invited a few friends to watch the game tomorrow, but nobody responded. Says he has the shakes really bad and his nerves are shot. He is lonely, has nobody, needs companionship, etc.

I listened and just said goodnight. I felt it wasn't up to me to provide him with answers, lead him to AA again, any of it. He knows what is out there and needs to find it himself this time, if he ever does. I didn't feel the least bit sorry for him. I shared my family with him and loved him dearly, and yet he spit on it and walked away and never appreciated it for a second. It's not up to me anymore. It never was.

Yes, it does hurt. It hurts for what could have been. He is not a stupid person and knows all of this already, just doesn't have these clear moments too often.

However, I have my own recovery to think about. Focusing on him is what I have done for the last 3 years, and I have lost everything as a result. All I could see was him as the world burned around me. No more. I don't feel that picking up the phone set me back in my recovery, but it was unfortunate.

I'm coming to believe that there are so many gifts out there if we are open to receive them. I'm sure the fog will descend back upon him today and it will be business as usual. However, I don't want the same fog clouding my recovery. I have spent too much time there already. Like the song says, time to "stop crying my heart out."

Thanks. Don't plan to answer the phone again. Weak moment, I guess. There's nothing that needs to be said anyway.

Pelican

Congratulations on another day!

You did amazingly well with the phone call in the middle of the night. He was attempting to manipulate his way into your world again. Wanted you to say it would be okay. He wanted you to feel guilt that he is alone.

It's not your problem. Good on you!

He is an adult and he made personal choices that resulted in his feeling lonely and isolated. His self-centered behaviors have left him with himself to blame.

You still did not cause it
You still can not control it
You still can not cure it.

I hope you have a blessed day!

tjp613

Cath, I'm sitting here listening to your song while reading your most recent post...it makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I feel for you...I've been where you are and I understand a lot of what you are going thru. Wish I could just give you a hug. But I have to tell you that I am, at the same time, ecstatic to hear that you are definitely "Getting IT" and looking out for yourself now. You are definitely on your way. Just keep doing what you know is working and it will take you to some amazing places...I promise.

You are really doing great. (((((((HUG))))))))) Keep posting.

Cath1029

Thank you. I went to work at the church again this morning. I was one of the greeters at the front door, just saying hello and welcome. It was really nice to smile and be smiled at, especially by the kids.

Something really struck me during the service in a way that had nothing to do with what the pastor was talking about. I related to it on a totally different level. It was something from Revelations, and of course I'm paraphrasing...

"In the last days, men will be lovers of self, boastful, arrogant, ungrateful, without self-control, reckless, conceited and holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power. Avoid such men as these."

Does that sound like anybody we know? LOL. It really struck me, "last days" representing the last days of my former life and the first days of my new life. That's what I got from it anyway.

Another thing that happened is that I bumped into that man I mentioned before, the one who is really handsome that helps out at the church too. He stopped me to ask a question, and we talked for a few minutes, remembering each other from the other day. He told me he is going through a divorce and has two small children and that he works in the afternoons and likes to help out at the church in the mornings. He said it was nice to see me again and put his hand on my arm (wow, human contact--lol). So I did the same to him.

Okay now, before you get all excited, I'm not going to throw myself at this man or anything like that. I have NO INTEREST in any kind of relationship at the moment. It just felt good to know that I could attract somebody's attention and have a pleasant conversation and actually find other people attractive. It's like he was a symbol of what the future could hold for me. Nice!!

Ago

I gave up Jack Daniels because it ruined my life, but I was walking down the aisle and saw Johnny Walker, he is just ADORABLE, his little outfit, his cute little hat and cane....I took him down and held him in my arms but don't worry, I won't take a drink it's just he is so cute......

Cath, if they can write their name in the snow while they go pee pee don't talk to them, men and alcohol are your drugs of choice, just because it's a different crack pipe doesn't make it less of a crack pipe.

Give yourself some time to work on you and stick with the women for at least a year kiddo, fantasizing about drinking leads to drinking, fantasizing and romanticizing about men will lead you right back to where you are now.

Listen to Freedom, Laura, Freya and Pelican right now until you get a sponsor OK?

Cath1029

I totally hear you, Ago. Totally.

I need to take this time to find out who I am, not who some man wants me to be. Because it is something I have not known for a long, long time. I want to fall in love with myself, not anybody else right now.

I did get a sponsor, by the way. I had breakfast with her on Saturday, and she is putting me to work. She is a wonderful, kind, spiritual lady who has really been there and back. She is a very calming presence, and I want that for myself. Of course, I still want to hear what everybody here has to say as much as ever.

Stick with the women--I get it!!

freya

Sorry you are feeling so sad right now.

Personally, though, I believe that it is indeed very wise to feel our feelings through.

Not only is it wise, but, for me, I've found it's pretty much the only way to truly heal, move past a situation, and allow myself to become open to the good new things that HP/life has to offer me. In the past, refusing to feel my pain and grief and/or trying to avoid necessary solutions/resolutions/outcomes/ends that I knew were going to be painful has only resulted in my putting myself through a lot more pain and misery for a lot longer time than would have been necessary if I had just accepted, surrendered and moved forward in trust.

freya