daisyjen

When will I see them in him?

He is 2 1/2 yrs sober, er, dry, I suppose...

He has anger issues, talks disrespectfully to our sons and myself, but its our fault, of course, tries to control and manipulate us and freaks out when we fight back...

Last weekend, he was angry, again, because I show him very little love and affection. I turned him down twice in one day, never mind, he got it plenty earlier in the week. Why wont I just COMPROMISE??? Trust me, I did more than my fair share...

But I MUST have a boyfriend! Why else would I turn down time with HIM?? Any other woman would love to spend time with him! (go find em then...)

So, he was upset about that when our 16 yr old son comes in the room. RAH starts in on him for not staying off his injured knee and making it worse. The kid has heard all of this before, he KNOWS that he shouldve listened, but RAH just wants to dig it in even further.. So, son says, I know that so stop acting like and a hole and leave it alone... Oh boy....

RAH tells son he may not take the car that night as planned till he apologises. I tell son that he must apologise if he really wants to go out, that I cant alow him to call his dad names, regardless of the situation, that he needs to be the bigger man. Son says, Im only 16, hes 45, whos really supposed to be the bigger man?

Son takes the car... Ugh! But, its my fault. I get yelled at for "not backing him up".

His punishment according to his dad? He wont be having the knee surgery he needs... Uh, I dont think so!!! Mama Bear kicks in and tells RAH that he can not do that, its irrational and wrong! He cant compromise the health of our sons body just to prove a point! Of course, here I go again, not backing him up... just like I didnt back him up when the prior punishment was disconnecting the A/C unit to the kids bedrooms...

Last night, the kids and I planned a trip to town to pick up a few things. I told RAH about it and asked if he wanted to go. He says I should TELL him hes coming with us so that he KNOWS I want him to go. I said, maybe you dont want to go, sometimes you get mad at us for spending, taking too long, whatever... He acts shocked,. Of course he wants to go to spend time with his family... Guess how many times we argued in the 3 hours we were gone... At least 4.

In a few weeks, RAH and I are supposed to travel out of state to a wedding. I am anxious about how I am going to deal with him... My friends say I should just go without him, but that would really irritate him. I know he wants to go to keep a handle on me, control me, because last night he mentioned how we could spend the money spent on the "stupid" wedding trip elsewhere.

Is this a lost cause??? Am I truly wasting time??

sandrawg

Is your RAH working a program?

But...more importantly...are YOU working a program?

It's interesting...the people on here who are still married or still entwined with their alcoholic...they seem to engage in flights of fancy that "everything will be all better when he/she gets sober."

Your post is proof that this isn't nec the case.

I dated a RAH for a year (5 yrs sober), and he was a mean, emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. It's like, the qualities he had as an alcoholic didn't go away. He even warned me about that-that, even when alcoholics are dry, they are ALWAYS alcoholics, and the behavior they adapted while in active addiction can stick around if they aren't working a program faithfully.

Also, your codependent traits, which you've developed over many many years, don't just magically go away when the A gets sober. Sobriety requires work on both partner's parts. You seem to be very frustrated, reactionary, and affected by his behaviors.

I think al-anon or CODA could help you with this.

sober or not, you are still the only one that YOU can control or change. Maybe if he sees you working a program, he'll work his more vigilantly.

gowest

Only you can answer this question for yourself ...

I personally would never stay with any one who would even think to not allow needed surgery for my child to prove a point. It is a compromise I would not be willing to make.

But it isn't my life ... it is yours.

Freedom1990

Is this acceptable behavior to you? That's not recovery, in my opinion, nor will it ever be considered recovery.

Would you accept this sort of behavior from a non-alcoholic? If not, why do you accept it from him?

There is no magic switch that comes on and someone like this suddenly becomes respectful and kind.

There are plenty of a$$holes in this world, and alcoholism has nothing to do with it.

Sometimes the alcoholism get too much credit.

sandrawg

I don't mean to sound like I'm harshing out the OP, but I've been on this forum for a while now, and i keep hearing the same complaints over and over.

Active alcoholics don't have relationships, everyone. They take hostages.

All they are invested in, is getting their next drink. Hiding their next drink so no one will force them to give it up. Denying that they are alcoholics so no one will force them to get help and they can keep drinking.

When you expect them to behave like normal people who actually care about their spouses, children, family members (ie, get surgery for their children. don't drive drunk with their kids in the car, etc.), you are bound to be eternally disappointed.

TrainWreckAgain

I learned this lesson a few months ago and wish I had learned it a few years ago. At least I know it now.

I am slowly learning to always check my expectations of my xAGF. I have had to remove "should" from my vocabulary as it relates to her. "Should she be able to provide for her children?" Wrong question. "Can she provide for her children?" Right question.

hadenoughnow

If my exah ever did anything like this I would call CPS on his ass (yes I would have done it even when we were married).

daisyjen

He hasnt had a drink in 2.5 years. Im positive of that.

TakingCharge999

You asked so here is my answer as an outsider and complete stranger

Is this a lost cause???

Yes.

Am I truly wasting time??

Yes.

ItsmeAlice

I'm inclined to agree with TC. It seems he's perfectly happy the way he is and it's you and the kids he has a problem with. You are both waiting around for the other to change. Two and a half years is a long time to wait before coming to the conclusion that's not going to happen.

Maybe it is time to focus less on the cr*aptastic behavior of your A and look at what you are trying to get out of this one life you've been given. What are the obstacles you are facing to live the life you want to live? What can you do to get past those obstacles?

DesertEyes

Hello there DaisyJen, and pleased to "meet" you

You know, my ex-wife was a lost cause. She was into pain pills and other womens' husbands far more than she was into getting well or working on our marriage. What I learned from some very wise people in al-anon is that a spouse is supposed to be a shelter from the world. Not a "cause". Helping the homeless is a cause. Feeding the starving is a cause. Curing cancer is a cause.

I turned my ex-wife into a cause. Which was _my_ problem because I failed to recognize the difference between a cause and a spouse. As long as I was trying to change _her_ into the woman I fantasized I was never happy. Simply because she was a _real_ person, with real problems and a very real addiction. My cause was to try and make my fantasy become real, and I chose a woman who was close to my fantasy, but not close enough.

Today I no longer turn people into causes. The world already has plenty of real causes without me having to fantasize any new ones.

Mike

LaTeeDa

You titled this thread "Changes.." I see just the opposite. No changes at all. Frankly, I could go back and read any post from you over the last two years, and wouldn't know the difference if it was then or now. Same stuff, different day.

You must be okay with your situation, or you wouldn't continue to go on and on. Your husband is obviously content with the way things are because he continues to do the same things over and over.

You're both getting something out of this, and until the pain becomes greater than the fear of change, you'll continue on. It's your life, you get to choose how you spend it. Unfortunately, your children don't have a choice. That's what keeps the cycle going. They will grow up and repeat what their role models have taught them, just like I did. It's just sad.

L

daisyjen

Maybe I havent made ENOUGH changes, that would be right. I have evolved some. I am no longer the extremely frightened little girl I once was who never stood up for herself and not enough for her children.

I failed to mention the fact that after the last event I mentioned, I packed the kids up and went to the beach for the wkend, all the while, he was whining, what about me, how dare you take my kids away from me, I wont be here when you return, etc...

And this isnt the first time that Ive left. I do it quite often, be it only a few hours or a few days.

The old me only sat in my bedroom and cried.

I still have great fear and that is what immobilizes me from make a major change. And, yes, this fear stems from MY childhood. My father shot himself in the head when my mother separated from him. My RAH reminds me a lot of my father.

Im trying to get there, really I am.

LaTeeDa

Are you seeing a therapist? Alanon? Sometimes we need help to 'get there.' I know I did.

My father also shot himself when I was young (13). I also grew up and married someone 'just like my father.' That's how it works. When we are damaged as children, we repeat the cycle. Is that what you want for your children?

L

Jadmack25

So your "recovering" AH is still an angry, abusive, belittling, accusing, insulting, and hostile man, who blames you for everything, is sexually demanding, and treats you all as his captives.

How, if in any way, has HE CHANGED?

How has YOUR "evolvement" from crying in your room to going out for the day, changed anything in HIS behavior or treatment of you and your sons?

From your posts, all I see is a bad tempered, cruel, abusive tyrant who is still the same SOBER as when drinking. He is still the centre of your life, still calls the shots and makes you and your sons totally miserable.

You may not be chained to the wall physically, but mentally you are chained to him. Unfortunately, so are your sons, and until someone rescues them so shall it continue.

The only person who can unchain you, is YOU.
The only one who can rescue your son's from further pain and abuse, is YOU.

No-one can unchain your AH from his demons except HIM, and he is not going to change anything because he is a little tin god and has got all of you just where HE wants you.

Your past is holding you and your boys in this prison, with your fear of AH doing what your father did if you leave him. Maybe he would do that, maybe he won't, eitherway it IS NOT OK FOR YOU TO DO NOTHING.

I fear more for your sons being driven to desperation, seeing nothing but more of the same misery ahead of them, and wanting out of it.

How many more years of this miserable existence do you need to go thru to prove that NOTHING is going to change it at all, unless YOU make the moves to do it?

I hope you soon come to where you realise you have no options left, and must act for your poor sons and for yourself.

God bless and strengthen you.