jcjohnson7000

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 5 years and lived with him for 3. Last October (2008) I found out he was hooked on pain pills. He actually told me this himself which really shocked me since he knows how I feel about them. He didn't seem to want any help getting off them so I decided I didn't need that in my life so we separated and he moved out.

About a week or two later, I found out I was pregnant. Not wanting my baby to grow up without a father, we continued to talk about working things out. He went with me to all my doctor's appointments and really seemed to want to make things right and stop doing the drugs. So in February we officially got back together and he moved back in.

I had my baby in June and things were still going okay.

I noticed in August that money was missing and he was leaving for work a little earlier than before and I started having suspitions. We started arguing all the time over his shady behavior. He always seemed to be sneaking around. I know that a lot of him family members have pain pill prescriptions and he admitted to me that his family members were the people he was getting his pills from when he admitted his addiction before. So when he started going to their houses all the time I, of course, became very suspitious. His main supplier is his own mother. I'm sorry but what kind of mother supplies a person with their drugs?

So just a few days ago, I learned that my suspitions were correct. A very trustworthy source (his own aunt) informed me that he was indeed hooked on pain pills again and meeting his mother before going into work. She meets him and sells them to him or he will go to her house and do some odd jobs and get paid in pills.

Since I learned all this I have been trying to get him to admit it to me again and go get some help this time. But he can sit and look me straight in the eyes and tell me he's not doing anything. I just don't know what to do.

He is the greatest guy I have ever met. Even with the pain pill addiction, he is a very laid back mellow kind of guy. I would never have known that he was addicted except for the money and sneakyness. He must only take the pills when he's going to work because he never seems high at home.

I really don't want to give up on him. I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage and he has been around her since she was 2. He had no problem becoming a father figure to her. So I have two kids involved in all this. He's not mean to me or the kids. He helps around the house. Actually he cleans more than I do. He helps with the baby. He goes to work every day. I just don't know what to do. People keep telling me that it isn't that bad or he would be acting mean towards us but he's not. I just don't see how some people think this is nothing and is perfectly fine as long as he's a good man.

The main problem I am having with leaving him is money. I only have a part time job because I have been going back to school. I did take this semester off because of the baby but I will be going back in January but I still have 2 years left. Do I stay with him just until I get on my feet and hope that he stops the pills? I just don't know what to do. I know that there's low income apartments but the waiting period on them are so long I would probably be out of school before I could even get one.

My mom is a pain pill addict herself so there's no moving in with her. Oh........she and my boyfriend have snorted pills together! And my brother and him also! Crazy huh. I never thought I would be dealing with this again.

Advice anyone?

teke

hi, jc, welcome. sorry you are going through all of this. i've kind of being in a similar situation only my ah of 23yrs is a crack addict. i too am a recovering addict and i've learned basically a drug is a drug and though pills may take a little longer to bring an addict to their knees, it usually end the same way, destruction. i know living with one is the most painful thing i've had to go through, so i do understand your pain.

when i met my ah i had kids too. like your bf, he was a really good man for all of us i thought. today we are not together but it took me 21yrs of pure h--l to figure out that i couldn't help him, he had to do that for himself, that all i could do was help myself.

i'm sure by now you might know that unless he gets help for himself, it will only get worse for all of you. you ask what do you do. there is nothing you can do to help him but you can start making some kind of plans to help yourself and save your kids from all the heartaches and pains that comes with living with an addict.

read around, learn as much as you can about addiction and co dependancy. lot of helpful info in the stickies at top of the forum page. alanon and naranon are good face to face support groups for you that you maybe able to find in your area. post as much as you like.try to keep the focus on you, do what you have to to protect your finances and any valuables. separate bank account if you have to, better safe than sorry.

it might be a good idea if you could go ahead and get on that waiting list just in case. social services helped me a lot, i think thats what they are there for, to help people to get on their feet. i know its hard but trust me you can make it. you are reaching out and thats a good start. i'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

onlyliveonce

Welcome-

Sad to say but teke is right it does only get worse. My AH of 18 yrs. is also a crack addict and in jail right now on strong arm robbery, domestic violence on his CW, and burgulary. Over the years he's been addicted to alcohol, crack, pain pills, porn, scratch offs, and really anything that would get him high or a buzz. We have one 14 yr. old son and we've been together since we were 16. Anyway the point is we really can only take care of ourselves and our kids.

Your H seems to be in denial. And I just don't even know what to say about mom. If it was me I would probably be over at his mothers house raising hell at his family for enabling him. One thing I have learned through all of my exprience is once they can't use us anymore for anything - meaning we don't enable them - they just go and find someone who will enable them. My AH found a CW and she sits in jail also right along with him for the same charges and the chick is only 20 yrs. old and he's 36. Sickening!!

I am in school also and work FT so I know how hectic that can be but it can be done. Do you kinda feel like you are the one going crazy? You're not - just trying to deal with a insane situtation best you can. Just because your H wants to stay in denial does not mean you have to. He's making his choices now plan accordingly. At least that's what I do. I know I can't depend on mine for anything so I plan accordingly. Believe me it took ME years to come to accept my reality and take the blinders off and for me to start make some plans to get out of that craziness. I did and I will never go back for nothing. My serenity and the peace in my life in priceless!!! Alot of pain, hurts, lies, strange behavior, sneakyness, missing money all that plus some!! "Let go or be dragged" is my favorite saying these days or "It is what it is" which you really might relate to right now. I'm getting a tattoo soon and that's what it's going to say "It is what it is" so I have a reminder to never forget that.

It may not seem that bad right now but in the end it's all the same. I just hope he dosen't have to lose it all before he wakes up like mine did. I served divorce papers on my AH in jail and the divorce will be final in November. Mine lost it all and none of his family will have anything to do with him. Son and I are going to visit them for Thanksgiving and AH brother's wedding. He is missing alot of things but those were his choices. Mine was an A*****E all the way around!!! Your H sounds like a great guy except for the drugs. If he dosen't want help yet he just not done and you will have to accept that and make some hard decisions for you and the kids.

Glad you are here but not under the circumstances. Read around and some of the stickys and some of the others will be around soon to respond. We have wonderful people here who know what they are talking about. I wouldn't where I'm at today with some fo their advice and understanding. We know what you are feeling and how tough this situtation can be but know you are a strong person and you can rise above it and actually come out on the other side OK. You and you H will be in my prayers today.

hello-kitty

Welcome to the site. I hope you will continue to read and post here. Being in a relationship with an active addict is devestating to the family and the children. You can learn much from the people on this website and find a lot of support as well.

Freedom1990

I'm a little confused. You say people keep telling you it isn't that bad, but read what I underlined that you stated yourself. You also state the following:

It seems to me, just from what I've read, that you don't feel it's that much of a problem either.

I'm very concerned for the children. Children live what they see. My 31 year old AD is a prime example of that. She's an addict/alcoholic, codependent, and makes extremely poor choices in men.

Go over to the adult children forum here and read what kind of devastating effects growing up in a home with alcoholism/addiction has on folks.

outtolunch

Pain pill addiction is an epidemic. Because prescription meds are being abused, many people assume that "it's not so bad". They are ignorant.

Pain pills are opiates.....just like heroin. Addiction is progressive.

What about crime, sneakiness and money stuff makes this an acceptable enviornment for a child?

jcjohnson7000

I guess what I mean is that I don't think he ever does any drugs except for when he's at work or away from home. I just have never seen him high and he's never mean to the kids. I'm definately not saying it's okay or I wouldn't be on here. I was raised by my grandmother because of my mother being on pain pills herself which lead to even harder things. I just am hoping that this doesn't happen to my BF. I would love to save him from this if at all possible. I am by no means trying to make excuses and act as if this isn't a problem. I am just saying that other people think that pain pills aren't that big a deal and could be cocaine or some other drug like that. I think pain pills can be just as bad. It just hasn't gotten to the point at home of being mean and abusive like most. My kids have no clue there is anything wrong and are not unhappy themselves. I'm just trying to help him or get out before it gets worse. I don't want them to grow up in a situation sort of like mine. I knew about my mother and why I was at my grandmothers. It hurts and I would love for them to never have to deal with it. That's why I'm desperate to help him. I know he has to help himself first but it's just hard sitting here and waiting for him to make the right decision.

I'm actually planning on "catching him" with his mother one day on his way to work. She meets him and gives him the pills. She doesn't get her prescription until around the first of the month. I'm hoping that when I catch him and tell him it's either the pills or me and the kids that he decides to go to rehab. I am not going to settle for less. I just want him to get help before I completely give up on him. He obviously only has me that he can depend on. If his mother and father can sell him pills then what do they care. Even one of his grandparents gives them to him. It's like his whole family would rather take his money to benefit themselves instead of helping him by not giving them to him. He told me before that ever since he was a little boy that if him or any of his brothers even had a headache, they were always given pain pills. I'm really thinking about turning all of his family in to their doctors and maybe they would get their meds taken away. If they can get rid of so much then do they really even need it themselves?

I think it has taken me so long to realize what is going on because there is never that much money missing. It could easily have been spent on food at work but he has been taking a little bit more money to work with him every night just here recently. So it must be getting a little worse and he needs more pills now. All along he must have been telling me he was taking "lunch" money but never getting lunch. I have also learned that when he goes to his grandparents' house or to his mother's and helps out by either painting or doing something to help them, he is being paid in pills. That makes it very easy to hide from me because here I am thinking he's just being a good son and grandson by helping out when really he's getting his drugs. I can't believe I have been so blind. I just can't believe I have never caught him before. Like I said before.....there haven't been many signs of him doing it until here recently but I'm sure it's been happening since he came back home. I'm sure it has never stopped.

teke

you are saying you want to help him but i honestly don't know how you can. im a recovering addict and for me to get clean was an individual inside job. noone could do enough to help me. every little bit of help i got from my loved ones, i used as a means to be able to continue my drug use and thats what most addicts do. when you get a chance, read "what addicts do" located in the stickies at the top of the forum page.

i believe there is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to get sober, he will have to want to do it for himself.when my family cut me off, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions, i became desperate to get better. i hit my bottom and it drove me to quitting. i'm forever grateful to my family for allowing me to fall on my own and to allowing me to dig my own self out.

my ah would only use when away from home too but eventually he start staying away from home days at a time, using. left untreated, it probably will get so much worse. i do understand your not wanting to give up on him and that is your choice but you might want to come up with a plan b, just in case you need one, one day.