Abundance

He's not in my life anymore.... and when I come here (which has been a lot lately... which is also irritating me) .... but when I come here it's like picking at a wound that is starting to heal. Certain threads I read or posts I write ... they can bring it all right up for me. It's like I'm actually living or am stuck in the past.... via clinging to SR.

Although, over the long holiday weekend that I was away from here and my home.... (essentially all places where there are memories of him/us) -it's only the thoughts or memories that come in my mind (the worst thought is when l torture myself by imagining what his perception or memory is of whichever event that had occured. That's the worst one- I try not to stay too long in that space!) I know how to observe these thoughts and then push them away. Proceed to come back to the present and enjoy life for a little while. However, that is just a form of escaping/avoiding.

Last night, the boys and I watched 2 movies and I saw myself or was inspired by them both..... and my x kept creeping up inside of me.

It's ticking me off!

How long is this blinking grieving going to last? I've always gotten over grieving (I guess it was grieving) by being involved with someone else very soon after. I am avoiding THAT happening again..... so maybe it's just different and a new coping mechanism??? It's making me feel a little crazy.

I'm also bracing myself for what is to come...........as I STILL don't know what the heck is going on with my house and if the modification has been approved.

Writing it out ... I just figured it out! What I'm REALLY avoiding is ME and not wanting to cope with WTF I'm going to do if I don't get approved! THIS should be taking priority .... and figuring out what to do for work!!!

I could make up all the excuses in the book.... First - I had to get the boys settled in to school... and THEN I had my week get away.... and NOW we all got sick with swine flu....... and everything is getting pushed to the side. It's always one thing or another....... well that is called... LIFE!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, I'm hyperfocusing on my relationship. Now, I'm not talking about it much, but I'm certainly thinking about it - and coming here is like an avenue of escapism .... and I just fall back into old patterns/behavior.

Well... now I know why I've been drawn to this place - it's so I could figure this out! That's a pretty awesome gift!!!!


:day6

Abundance

Oh.... that was awesome!!!!

I feel liberated!

Hopefully, if anything, this little 'ramble on rose' will give you all a bit of an escape.... and provide a little bit of light entertainment!

I am in total amazement of myself right now.... trying very hard not to and see this as a totally obvious issue/solution, that was not present to me.

THIS is the gift of detaching.... it's happening or already has happened and I'm just a little slow (which is okay, btw)!

Okay ... stepping away from computer now.

Peace xoxoxo

teke

good question. my ah is not in my life right now and i don't see it changing no time soon. i guess i'm clinging because i like it here. you guys have helped me to get afloat and hopefully i'll stay there. when i'm away i miss you guys.

on top of all of that, i pray that one day my exp. can actually help some newcomer to not have to hurt much and as long as i have. its a lonely world sometimes for someone who loves an addict and don't know where to turn.

i've had my share. i think about my ah every now and again but thats about it. you guys keeps me grounded and i know that you are here for me when noone else is. i can name so many reasons. i'm just so grateful that i found this place and i know that no matter how long i have to be away at times, you will still be here. clinging? i think i might be addicted.

i don't have to be alone or lonely any more, unless i choose to, that is. here i can just be me and its such a relief from my past, trying to be what i thought others wanted me to be. for that i say, thank you

Abundance

aaaaaaaaw Teke... that is lovely

rose

I'm still here to, but I am here because you are here. Just because I gave him up does not mean I have to give SR up I hope. Plus there is no 12 steps in place to leave SR!
We are here because we have helped each other out, been there in the wee hours of the morning for each other, we have all made a bond with each other, have a place in our hearts for each other where others could not fill.

Plus, it helps me so see from knew posts where I was and where I am now. When I joined SR, I had so much support, I want to give back....to what I was given. Sometimes though I have to remember what it was like and knock myself back a peg or two!

Rose

Chino

I'm clinging to SR because I'm renovating and need some of the tools here

Abundance

Yeah - it's the remembering what it's like that sets me back MORE than a peg or two! It's like I'm feeding PTSD! *maybe I really am?

I am so grateful to everyone who gives back.... especially the old timers.

So ~ thank you!


Good one Chino! Cheers to that! I was just searching through Ago's threads... and was finding some really good tools.

IPT

This is the place that helped me understand what I was up against. I am still struggling with stuff...but at this point I think a lot of it is just the loss of a relationship and someone I cared about. Addict or not. I still miss something about the relationship.. it, or her, there is still a draw for me. I want to email her and tell her I miss her and think about her everyday. SR helps remind me why I shouldn't do that. It helps remind me of the reality of dealing with an addict..active or even one in recovery. It helps remind me that I did the right thing in stepping back and walking away. I still need that reminder.. I find it especially strong when I read some of the newer posts and read them saying what I said a year ago or more....it grabs my heart and I take off trying to educate them so they do not have to go thru what I did/am. That confirms to me that I am in a better place without her even though I miss all the fantasies and dreams I had created about her, us, and what we "could" have "if only".. I still need this place, and thank everyone here for their help, support, and wisdom!

ABD - glad you found your way

Ann

Putting it to words, saying it out loud to trusted friends who truly understand even when I am just rambling, helps me sort out the scrambled thoughts that sometimes pass through my mind.

I come here every day unless I am away on vacation or something, because it keeps me grounded and reminds me of what I need to do to keep my sanity. Sharing our pain helps even though it takes time to walk through it. And I believe that in recovery most of us experience some form of PTSD because we have been through mind boggling trauma that we didn't have the time or energy to work through in a healthy way when it happened. Never underestimate how profoundly our past experience has affected us and that's why the tools of recovery are there to help us begin to categorize and sort these experiences and begin to heal.

Although my recovery has brought me to a good place where I can now say "What WAS I thinking?" , I will never forget how it was when I was so wrapped up in just making it through each day that I shortcutted the pain with things like denial and unhealthy distraction like running around trying to "prove" that my actively addicted son was really behaving as actively addicted people do.

Taking time to just be with yourself is a wise choice, Abundance, because until we are healthy we just keep repeating the past and wonder why we end up in the same place. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy, and a healthy relationship is well worth the time and work it takes to be ready for it.

Hugs

imallright

Like the others, this place and the support and caring demonstrated by each of you is HUGE in what kept me moving forward and keeps me focused every day. Sometimes it is very painful to read the posts of others and see myself.

SR turned the light on for me. I definitely know that I stumble on this site for a reason. I had been trying without success for years to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and why my life was soooo messed up. Finding this site, pouring it out, reading, getting the support I have been given has helped me to figure it out.

I too continue to come here even though I am not with the addict. One of my mantras is "go easy... it took years to get here, it's gonna take time to get out of this place". I am impatient with myself when it comes to this and I just want to be "better".... SR and all of you give me that balance and patience.

Thank you all for being so wonderful and caring!

liesagain

Besides............if everyone left when they got better, noone would be here to share their ESH

For me, I have come ALONG way but I am by no means better or cured..........I am today able to detach from some things and I am able to look at the roles i play in the interactions in my life.........thanks to SR and the friends here

I cant see ever not wanting to come to SR...........even 10 years from now when hes clean and has maintained sobriety or not

SR reminds me of where I've been` where I could be` and where I need to be..............and shows me the things I need to do or NOT do to keep my life and my peace(still working on that one )

.

CatsPajamas

For me, coming to SR is my daily reality check. I see threads from newcomers and I remember how I felt when I first got here, frustrated, angry, sad, frightened, etc.

I read threads from people who have been around awhile, but they are still stuck in the muck somehow. They are still trying to control what is not theirs to control, they are trying to manipulate the outcomes. I can read those threads and remember when I was at that place, too.

I read threads from recoving addicts and alcoholics - some who think they have all the answers and can give the "insider perspective to the workings of an A's mind", others who are now working a different program of recovery as a friend or family member of an A. I can chuckle at some things, and I can ask "how's that working for you?" about others. I'm often challenged, and always left with something to think about.

I come here to be reminded of the tools I have at my disposal. I come here to catch up with old friends. I come here to give and to receive experience, strength and hope since we are all making a similar journey. I can, as they say in the closing to Al Anon meetings Take what I liked and leave the rest.

I thank GOD every day that I found Al Anon, and that a few years later I found SR. My world would be a much darker place without them.

rayofsunshine

I'm still here even though I've been separated for a year now. I'm still learning
I guess.... and when I eventually re-enter the dating world, I want to be healthy
minded and not bring the baggage of my years being married to an active active.

I'm better, but I'm not where I need to be yet. I learn so much just reading here.
Sometimes, I have something to contribute to help the newcomers. Sometimes, just
reading posts and all the wisdom in the responses helps ME.

You've come a long way in your recovery Abundance. I'm glad you're still here! I enjoy reading your posts.

BBD

For me, SR has been a godsent gift that has helped me i so many ways. Being codependant isn't a fun place to be. In the beginning I felt it was loving my family and friends. Now I'm struggling each day to do the right thing without taking dignity away from others. I don't feel so alone taking this journey of addiction again with my son Chris. I check here daily to keep me grounded and to learn something new...that can help me become a better person. Its hard feeling angry, sad, disappointed~~~and loving at the sdame time. Thanks for all the friendship, advice and love that comes through our screens here......Hugs~

Maggiemac

I like many here come back and read everyday why maybe I can give some good advice to someone who needs it. I found this place when I was so low I didn't think I could live another day but I am still here taking it step by step day by day. I pray for everyone of you and all the addicts who have not found their way. It is to late for my boy but their is hope.
Love ya all
Maggiemac

cessy68

Abundance,

It's interesting that you asked this question. I had a member here p.m. me the other day, and I asked her how she can keep comming here and reading/writing/helping, when she has obviously been away from addiction in her life for quite some time.

I also asked her if it were 'draining' to hear these stories..... what was her motivation for comming still.

She told me that it's for a number of reasons... (which aren't necessary to list) yet, one was to 'give' back some the lessons she learned, and that she feels that it's important... in addition to the theory of even helping one person, means something.....

(paraphrased what she said)

anyhoo.... it made sense to me.

Sometimes I'm dormant when I come here.... sometimes I read, sometimes I write. I particuarly like to 'write' --- but sometimes I just don't have the 'energy'. I notice that there are times, where I don't feel like I need SR, for myself... but I go on anyhoo and read others issues.... when I feel like I can lend some advice/shoulder to cry on, I gladly respond.... I think it's just a'bonding' common ground, kinda feeling.

I'm glad that writing here is theraputic for you.

BTW, the 'waves' of the ex may still keep on comming for you, after ANY love is broken,lost, or gone,-- even without addiction, it's a loss. It is normal to have good days and bad.

Keep in mind the pros of being solo--- (the peace, sanity etc.) (write your own list)

Then think of why you'd want him there.... really think about it. I'm sure with all you've been through, you'll know you're doing whats good for you.

Hugs,
Cessy

Abundance

It's so helpful to hear from people who have severed relationships with the addicts in their life... because it gives me hope that I am just right now in a tender position - if you will.

There are times that I feel as though I can just move right on..... and then there are other times that I feel totally stuck. There are some threads that I want to read because I want to see if I can give some ESH or because I've been following certain folks on here for over a year... and I want to be up-to-date. Sometimes it opens the wound for me- as I go back into the not so long ago archives of my experiences and it's as though I'm going backwards not forwards.

I love SR... if it weren't for SR.. I don't know where I'd be and that is the truth. I hope I'm not coming off as being ungrateful ...

Cessy... you are right about addict relationship or not... losing a romantic love under whatever situation - is going to be tender and difficult for a little bit. I guess I just have always seen a relationship through to the bitter end that I fall out of love in the relationship.... not after it's over.

Chino

Thank you so much for that. I read it last night right after an explosion in my home and it kept speaking to me all through the night and today.

The explosion started when I rubbed my daughter's nose in her poop. That was the first time I've done that since discovering her addiction almost three years ago.

I apologized to her and we talked about it. I was surprised at how surprised she was that I had done the nose rubbing. She and I both know I'm better than that, or at least we thought I was :-/

Back to the drawing board for me and further proof why I need to cling to SR.

lexington

Mercury is going retrograde in Libra just now, didn't ya know? (I'm joking - it's just that I've got an astrologer friend who would say that if she was here now!) Honestly though, it sounds like you're going through a phase. I revisit old relationships all the time... and I usually find out more about them than I did the last time I was there. Sometimes, I even get a good story out of it, which is productive. Have you tried keeping a diary so you can see if you're making progress?

truthhurts

I come here, in part, because I hope that sharing some of my experiences will help to guide or encourage someone (even a lurker who never actually posts, as I was for many years!) in a similar situation.

I want to give hope to people that for me, "no contact" was the beginning of my climb back to sanity...that loving detachment is possible, even when it seems unfathomable...and that there IS life....good, fun, clean, healthy life...and LOVE after getting out of a relationship with an active addict.

If you have read my first post here from last month, you will remember that my ex-ABF went back out after struggling to maintain sobriety from crack cocaine for the past two years and intentionally overdosed, killing himself. Despite this tragedy, I am here because I believe that life goes on and I made the right choices for myself. I hope to provide hope to others.

Plus I enjoy reading all of the wisdom that SR members are gracious enough to share here. Many of the posts here contain quite profound thoughts. I always come away with something to think about after being here.