Originally Posted by Bamboozle

"1. Overgeneralization. From one isolated event you make a general, universal rule. If you fail once, you'll always fail.

2. Global labeling. You automatically use pejorative label to describe yourself, rather than accurately describing your qualities.

3. Filtering. You selectively pay attention to the negative and disregard the positive.

4. Polarized thinking. You lump things into absolute, black-and-white categories, with no middle ground. You have to be perfect or you're worthless.

5. Self-blame. You consistently blame yourself for things that may not really be your fault.

6. Personalization. You assume that everything has something to do with you, and you negatively compare yourself to everyone else.

7. Mind reading. You assume that others don't like you, are angry with you, don't care about you, and so on, without any real evidence that your assumptions are correct.

8. Control fallacies. You either feel that you have total responsibility for everybody and everything, or feel that you have no control, that you're a helpless victim.

9. Emotional reasoning. You assume that things are the way you feel about them."

Originally Posted by Ago

When she informed me of her decision to visit her family, I set a boundary, I said to myself if she 'disappears" for the whole weekend, which I strongly suspect she is about to do, in conjunction with her "going no contact" 3 out of 4 previous weekend nights, I am done. I can no longer live with the uncertainty, or the certainty actually that she will disappear every weekend for the night, it's not a matter of insecurity, it's a matter of a pattern developing I am not comfortable living with.

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Ago, I know I don't know your entire situation, but did you talk to her about your descision to set a boundary before you reminded her of her past infidelity?

Is it possible the reason she disappears is that she needs some space, hence no contact?

Could it be that she is not cheating, but there is another explaination she's not comfortable talking to you about?

I'm not trying to be a butt. Honest. Obviously something is up when someone changes behavior like that.

I'm curious, you mentioned phone records. Which ones, yours or hers?

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Ago, I think it's wise to protect yourself.

As long as you are certain you are not projecting any possible past behavior of yourself onto her, trust your gut.

Originally Posted by Ago

What a great question...I mean truly...How DO I stop going to hardware stores?

I have given this a lot of thought, and a lot of answers have gone through my mind, work on myself etc as I get healthy I attract healthier people blah blah

What does that all mean though?

Practicing alcoholics have a thing where in order to practice their addiction they feel "unique", they feel "special" and that "the rules" may apply to other people but not to them.

They are "terminally unique'

I think this is the basic premise of "going to a hardware store for bread" is every time I do so it's because I feel "special", I feel they may treat others this way. but not me, they will change for me because I am special, I am different, the rules don't apply to me, our relationship is special.

Me, or this particular relationship, is terminally unique for some reason, so I go to the hardware store for bread again and again.

My father told me when he was five, his father stood below him with his arms stretched out and said "Jump. jump to me son" and when he jumped his father stepped aside and let him hit the ground, looked at him on the ground crying and said "never trust anyone" and walked away

My father said to me he would change that, he would say "trust everyone"

"trust everyone to follow their nature, what they do to other people they WILL do to you, guaranteed, you need to remember you aint special"

When I went a few years ago to "help" my family, or "rescue" them, I KNEW my mother ran her life like a business, that she would take from people around her in order to support her alcoholic husband and junkie daughter, that she was ruthless in this, so when she called and asked for my help I sold my business, gave up my home, my girlfriend, all for some promises my mother gave me, all my friends said "Andrew, get it in writing, go to a lawyer and get all this writing"

I said "This is my mother she would NEVER do this to me, she may do X, Y, and Z but she will NEVER leave me high and dry, she will stand by my side, she won't drop me, it may not be how I think, but bottom line is she is my mother, our relationship is special, so I don't need anything in writing"

Well, what do you know, after working for a few years, running her business while supporting her, her husband, her daughter and her granddaughter until she retired, after she didn't need me any more she cut me loose.

She dropped me. She treated me as she treated everyone else in her life including her brothers and her own mother. I was not, in fact, special. When she was done using me, I was no longer important.

Trust everyone.......to follow their own nature.

Even my own mother.

Bitter lesson.

So, according to Dr Phil, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

They ALWAYS give you the information if you listen closely, not the lies they tell you, but their past actions with others, and they ALWAYS give you the information by watching their actions, not what they say.

for example, If I am with a spouse that repeatedly promises to quit drinking but doesn't, I have the information, she chose alcohol over me, it's clear cut and right there, in "black and white"

or

I am with a GF/BF that has a history of cheating on her husband, and she stays out all night once a week(end) every week, she is unavailable until 1AM on weeknights, what information is she giving me? Do I believe I am different and special, and that she loves me more then she loved her husband? What conclusions do I draw from this? Do I listen to what she says or watch her actions, which is she stays out all night once a week and out until after midnight on weeknights.

or

If I am with a spouse that is unable to tell the truth, which I have experience with, trying to get these things is like trying to get a Pig to sing, Pigs can't carry a tune, all they do is get frustrated with you and you get angry at the pig.

It's not their fault, it's mine for repeatedly going back to a dry well when the truth is I know better.

So bottom line I think is to learn to trust our gut, learn to watch someones actions rather then listen to their words, watch for "red flags" and LISTEN and PAY ATTENTION to those red flags, take action according to the red flags.

I have finally begun to learn that setting boundaries is NOT standing in front of someone telling them my boundaries, or telling them what I need or want in a relationship, but setting boundaries to MYSELF, and then acting on them.

That, for me, is why going to a hardware store for bread over and over was no different then the active alcoholic picking up a drink and saying "it's going to be different this time and here's how" As an active alcoholic you always think if you do it differently somehow the results will be different this time, that is IDENTICAL to my thinking when I "go to the hardware store for bread' it will be different this time, because I am special, because this person loves me, If I can only say it correctly they will be able to hear me, if I only try harder, if only I am nicer, if only I push them harder, if only I "set a stronger boundary" if only if only if only if only

When an alcoholic picks up a drink, they always lose, when I go to the hardware store for bread I always lose.

This person will treat me exactly the way they treat everyone else in their life.

If they are a drinker, they will keep drinking, if they take advantage of people, they will take advantage of you, if they cheat on others, they will cheat on you.

I am not special

The rules apply to me

You stop going to the hardware store for bread by not going to the hardware store for bread, not by trying harder, or differently....no matter who it is.

I divorced my family.

My sister, my mother, my grandparents, my uncles

As it stands now I will never talk to any of these people for the rest of my life.

They don't know where I live, and I intend to keep it that way.

There are some people that are just plain harmful, people with an inability to tell the truth.

Some people aren't just a dry well, they are a poison well.

Every time I go to the "hardware store" or go back to the poison or dry well, it's easier to go back the next time, my self respect is less, my self esteem is less, I get addicted to the poison well and the hardware store.

So I stop going to the hardware store the same way I quit drinking.

One day at a time

Sometimes, one minute at a time.

If I drink, I not only go insane, I lose, the same is true of the hardware store, the thing I have learned is I am not trying to NOT go to the hardware store, I am trying to win.

I am trying to get bread there.

Just give up hardware stores I think is what I need to do. They are harmful to me. Not go to hardware stores and try to win.

Originally Posted by Zencat

Here is one that I catch myself using from time to time. Like when I say I should have done this or that. When I do use the 'should'. I correct myself and say somethings along the lines of: I had an opportunity to do this or that and chose not to do it. It really makes me look at my decisions at the time. I get to take full ownership of what I did in the past rather than making it seem like some sort of vague retrospective thing.

Originally Posted by Ago

Her thinking is that I am accusatory and delusional, and that none of this ever took place, and that she is NOT the woman I say she is and that my thought process is one based on insecurity and stories I am telling myself.

I have the phone records and texts for every single occurance, they did in fact take place.

OK, purely cognitive input please, help me out boys and girls, please don't slander her, this question is to check if my thinking is in fact delusional, not cast aspersions on her character if that makes sense. I am not angry nor judgmental at her, just don't want to continue "seeing" someone I don't trust any more.