MycoolFitz

so I got these like 10 page legal papers from my wife's lawyer dealing with contested/uncontested stuff that all dealt with financial matters. And i don't contest any of that. I just contest the government controlling my heart. So I'm seeing how I can noncontest a finanacial thing and contest an emotional one. I talked to my wife and she said the courts don't deal with our hearts. So I'm trying to draft something that says I don't contest anything finanically but I won't divorce her emotionally. I committed to her and my sobriety and I'm not giving them up. Crap like Peewee Herman said, I'm such a rebel.

traderjane

My advice (speaking from someone who just went through a divorce.) Leave the emotional stuff out of it. If it's meant to be with her, you will get back together down the road. If it's not, it's best to move on... you may find your soul mate in the process and this may be a blessing in disguise (that is what I keep telling myself).

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FINANCIALLY. That stuff cannot be changed once its on paper and signed.

Best....

Dee74

I dunno Fitz - I know nothing of your situation, but please don't do a Dee...

I was the guy who stayed in relationships in my head and heart, sometimes for years, after the other person physically left...

It was all very romantic and noble...but it didn't do me one ounce of good.

I learned sometimes holding on like that isn't love - it's fear and pride, and an attempt to control...and I also learned sometimes love is letting go too.

Those women, rightly or wrongly, didn't want to be with me anymore - they made their choice...they moved on...I hope to happiness....and they left me free to find someone who did want to be with me.

I wish I'd realised that 10 years ago, you know?
I wish you well Fitz - just don't waste years wishing like I did, ok?

D

Anna

Wow, brilliant advice Dee and Traderjane!

Fitz, I hope you find some peace!

least

I'm with the others: if it was meant to be, it will be. Until then, take good care of yourself, financially and emotionally. You can be happy, but you might have to make yourself happy for a while.

MycoolFitz

Thanks I know all that and I'm moving on. Its not like I'm an emotional stalker. I just won't let the government leave the heart out. There needs to be a clause. don't hate me but I'm a card carrying ACLU member but I payed my dues via Veitnam. All I want now is sobriety. And maybe to stick it to the man :-)

tyler

Man, that's tough. I've been divorced for over 5 years now, but still haven't really moved on emotionally. I haven't been on a date or anything, and really don't have any desire to. I basically divorced her because at the time I was in a total freefall and I just couldn't drag her an my son down with me when I really wasn't sure if I would make it out.

Neither one of us has really dated at all since the divorce, which on the one hand is nice, but at the same time makes me feel a bit in limbo and somewhat trapped. I don't really know if our relationship can be salvaged, though we get along well enough because of our son. Sometimes I wish she'd just move on, so maybe I could too. I'm still stuck on that, I hope you don't find yourself in the same place. Take care.

traderjane

Tyler, and CoolFitz.... therapy helps.

I went to my weekly therapy today and (strangely) found myself crying when re-telling something that happened 4 years ago in my marriage. I was really surprised it still affected me, 4 years later, when really I thought I had put it all behind me. I guess that is what psychotherapy is all about.

The way I look at it: I need to work on myself first in order to be in a position to have a healthy relationship moving ahead. If you can, give it a try. Divorce is a traumatic life event; don't sweep the emotions under the rug.

Laura

joedris

You're going to find that what you want and what the law proscribes are two different things. Divorce settlements deal with real property distribution and issues such as child custody, spousal support, etc. These are tangible things. Your emotions are intangable and thus will not be included in any court document. What I would suggest is that you draft a separate, notarized document to your wife stating how you feel. This would be done outside of any court proceedings but would accomplish what you want - an declaration that you do not recognize the court's authority to declare your emotions null and void. You have no choice over the court's authority to declare the marraige null and void, however. And after you do all that,. move on with your life.

MycoolFitz

Thanks you guys you're so wonderful. I was watching this stupid movie and I caught myself laughing. Really laughing and I thought how wonderful I haven't laughed in years. My laughter is for you may you find peace now.

MycoolFitz

Do you own that peace of art joedris, Its awesome, When samari put on their clothing they put on their souls. Its funny they turned to Buddhist monks to learn no fear. So monks taught them how to kill with no fear.In Veitnam a Buddhist monk put himself between me and a village person. The killing made the news. I put down my weapon which was my life and I cried. I was cuffed and roughed and POWed. Years later I went back and learned meditation.

Gypsy Feet

I never wanted to get married in the first place, because I didn't need a piece of paper telling me who to spend my life with or how. I have no desire t mess with divorce papers, it makes me sick that I have to pay the government to draft up a paper to make official what was over long ago.

I'm glad your laughing

MycoolFitz

That's funny Gypsy Feet because I decided not to fill out the paperwork. I resigned from the government. They have no right to dictate my heart. I have no problem seeing my wife gets taken care of but I resigned from the government. I delared the state of my peace. They've contolled me since they drafted me. Its over. What happens when a citizen quits?

yeahgr8

Dee i have been exactly the same! I am so glad to be saying wtf looking at this part of my past behaviour...it is NOT healthy at all for all concerned.

Fitz hope you get some resolution on this part of your life and can move on soon:-)

vegibean

When I first opened your post Mycool I had to walk away from it. I'm glad to see how all the others responded to you. Divorce is ugly. IF she is even going to be nice in court (what do you think lawyers are for? They're not for doling out the make-up hugs and kisses), you'll be lucky. But if any kind of push comes to shove you may find yourself devastated.

People don't need attorney's to get a divorce, mediation is for people who want to work things out amicably.

My first husband and I divorced and did everything ourselves and with a mediator. Probably the most peaceful divorce I've ever seen two people go through.

My second? I can write all day about how that went. It amazes me that I used to love this man with all of my heart. Today?? Wow, he's burned so many bridges with me. I'm not going to go there either.

I hope you'll go through the process with your eyes wide open. I believe the meditating will come in handy when you need to get yourself re-centered during the process, just a thought. Good luck.

tyler

Thanks Laura, I do attend regular therapy, though my divorce is not a subject we have got into much yet. So many problems do deal with an hour at a time!! I agree though, it is something I need to deal with, as it is sticking me in a bit of a rut right now. There is an awful amount of guilt involved as well. I was the one who insisted on the divorce, she really wanted to stay with me and try to work things out. At the time I had just attempted suicide and really wasn't convinced I wouldn't try again and "do it right" the second time. I've gotten past all of that (mostly) now, so that is a good thing.

Fizz, your spirituality constantly blows me away. You really are an inspiration. Hang in there and I'm sure you will come out the other side. Take care.

Live

Cool, Fitz...I understand what you mean...I was recently divorced and I felt exactly the way you did...I was mad as hell for what he was doing....but I felt my vows and commitment to be lifelong.
I did re-enter the social scene, dated but really wasn't interested in a relationship, just meeting people and finding friends...and whammo...I met my next husband...I was then able to re-connect with my X as friends..he now regrets divorcing me, but wishes me happiness..I will always love him, but I am in a very happy commited engagement as well.
I don't like throwing loved ones away...and in most cases am able to establish a close friendship later...my best friends to call on the phone are my XH and an XABF...they are friendly, respectful and talk with my new man on the phone as well.
For me this is much healthier.

Your story of service moves me incredibly.
My last H was a Navy disabled vet.
The next one is Air Force disabled vet.

I think we might look at the Buddhist view of attachment, teachings of compassion and let both love and rationality rule our actions. ????

Reese321

Dude, your entire post made zero sense. I don't know how 16 people can reply to something that makes no sense whatsoever.

You want to legalize what exactly? Does the court deal with the heart, of course they do! Hell, the constitution does. It's embodied in the "pursuit of happiness." What could have more to do with the heart than that?! But try convincing a judge that legalizing some illicit substance is the way to go. Are you talking about marijuana? Cocciane? X?

I'm assuming that you're talking about marijuana. You know we almost legalized marijuana back in the late seventies (five states did before the federal law), before the crack epidemic and the country became scared to death of any intoxicating substance besides alcohol.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of your post was. Please elucidate your point. Thanks.

MycoolFitz

What are you talking about? And you responded to the post. :-)I wasn't talking about grass I was talking about love. Can the law dictate it through a decree?

Gypsy Feet

Wow Reese. . . I only see about 10 people responding to the thread, but some how all ten of them got the point=) Maybe you should reread it before you start talking about not making sense.

Marriage AND divorce in the courts is a way of making legal first sharing your life with someone (and only if that someone is an acceptable choice according to the whims of society and the powers that be), and then ending the sharing in the eyes of the law. It makes me a little sick just typing this.