I don't think he's recovering for himself...

Old 09-08-2003, 09:08 AM
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Unhappy I don't think he's recovering for himself...

Since going to marriage counseling last Wednesday, my A has been very off standish in his behavior towards me. He has been sober for a week now and told the counselor that he knows he needs to quit. My A gave the counselor all the good reasons for quitting, but told him that he is going to do it by not drinking and going to church. He refuses to do AA, because he says that some of the people in there bring him down, because all they do is complain about their life.

Well, he didn't go to church yesterday, because he said it would take too much time out of his day. Then last night I received his wrath, because I'm not going out of my way to show affection to him. He says I don't ever hug him or tell him I love him. I do reciprocate when he give me hugs, but I am not going out of my way to give it to him, because I want to do it for the right reasons and right now the only reason I would be doing it is because I feel that's what he expects from me. I explained to him that currently I am working very hard on myself and I need time. He said that he's quit drinking and that should be enough from him. He doesn't feel he needs to try in any other area - that it's all on me and if stopping the drinking isn't enough - then why should he bother. He then proceeded to tell me that he'll go to marriage counseling on Wednesday, but if it's going to be all about his drinking and putting him down by me and the counselor - then he won't go again.

I finally just told him I didn't know what else to say and I went to sleep. This morning all of sudden I'm getting big hugs and he's telling me thank you for the hugs and how beautiful I am, etc... Somehow I just don't believe it or it's just not enough for me.

I keep thinking that he what he expects from me, I just can't give right now - or maybe even that no matter what I do do will meet up to his expections.

I also have the feeling that he's not quitting drinking for him, but as a way to win me back. Is that what everyone else reads from what I have said as well? I'm trying to figure out if I'm being too hard on him or if I am truly am seeing the warning signs of another relapse here soon.
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Old 09-08-2003, 09:22 AM
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It's hard to figure all the reasons why people do what they do.It just sounds like the main thing both of you need to do right now is to give each other time.A week sober is a huge accomplishment,but still such a very short time in the big picture.

Take care of yourself.Do something nice just for you

phoenix
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Old 09-08-2003, 09:41 AM
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Hi Kitkat.

The number one way that people quit drinking is to just quit drinking. Not everybody responds well to AA. Not everybody who drinks to excess needs AA. Try with all your might to let go of the notion that you can know how he should recover. You can't. I have a feeling that's a lot of your frustration at the moment. You're afraid if he's not doing it "the right way" it won't work. He could relapse. That's realism. But he could relapse if he was going to AA and working the steps. Happens all the time.

We also can't get inside their heads and know if they're doing it for "the right reason". People quit drinking when they decide they've lost enough and don't want to lose the next thing. Maybe for him, that's your marriage. You can't know.

Even if you're only doing it in your head, you're trying to manage his recovery. That can only make your miserable. Hugs are nice. Especially when they come from someone who doesn't stink of beer or liquor.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 09-08-2003, 10:02 AM
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Hi Kitkat,
Darnit Smoke!
You beat me to it LOL :p

Smoke is right on the money (would we expect anything less??)
You cannot do it for him, and there is no right or wrong way - there is only HIS way; even if it means NOT going to meetings, NOT going to church, being "mr GRUMP" etc... He can only do what he is capable of, and right now, this is it.

I explained to him that currently I am working very hard on myself and I need time. He said that he's quit drinking and that should be enough from him. He doesn't feel he needs to try in any other area - that it's all on me and if stopping the drinking isn't enough - then why should he bother
And what do you say in response??
You say, "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, It's about ME and my recovery. You can do whatever you need to, but DON'T do it for me."

Take care Kitkat
Meg
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Old 09-08-2003, 10:20 AM
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Seems to me that if you are married to him and love him, hugs are in order. Maybe the expression "fake it til you make it" applies here.
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Old 09-08-2003, 10:41 AM
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Thank you everyone for being so honest!! I think I understand where I should go with this. I need to back off of him (even if it's just inside my head) and stop waiting for him to slip and fall. I need to be there for him emotionally even if it means letting go of some of my pride of "working my own program". I need to continue working my own recovery and let him know that I'm not concerned right now about what he is doing, that I love him and will be there for him, but I'm focusing on myself.

A lot of what I heard from him last night, was "what about me". He didn't want to hear anything about me, which is what bothers me (this goes even outside the alcoholism). I guess I should let go of that as well and focus on my recovery and do just what you said, Meg...let him know that what I am doing is about me and what he does is about him. We need to work together as well, but respect each other's need to focus on our own recovery.

Am I getting it???
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Old 09-08-2003, 11:01 AM
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You fast learner, you.
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Old 09-08-2003, 12:12 PM
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Hey Kitkat,
Sounds good to me!
A lot of what I heard from him last night, was "what about me". He didn't want to hear anything about me, which is what bothers me (this goes even outside the alcoholism).
My husband went thru this as well... he wanted to feel like a victim. You know why?
Cuz he wanted me to once again come running in and pick up the pieces; coddle him and take care of "poor" him.
I'm not sure it was intentional... but he wanted back all the codependant "care-taking" he used to get from me, AND he wanted to lay some guilt on me so he didn't feel so bad.

Geesh... gotta love them for trying

Take care
Meg
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Old 09-08-2003, 12:40 PM
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Hey Kitkat,

I just wanted to jump on the wagon with everyone else in saying that you are worrying about what and how he is working his recovery too much! Just enjoy each day as it is and don't try to analize everything!! It will get you into trouble every time. I know 1st hand.....guessing at who, what, where and why leads to trouble. Focus on your recovery and savor the sober hugs whatever the reason he is giving them!

Blessings,
Constant
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Old 09-08-2003, 01:38 PM
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Kitkat;

Do You Want Sober HUGS?
Go to an Al-Anon meeting....
KEEP the focus on you dear...You only have one life to live and when I am focusing on them I surely ain't focusing on where I am right now or where I am supposed to be to get to where MY HIGHER POWER wants me to be.....unless he/she/they are my high power for the moment.
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