Death of a relationship with a significant other.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Death of a relationship with a significant other.
Thought I'd start a post on this as I would really like to hear other's E,S & H.
As most of you will be aware, I am 44 and have recently been working hard to untangle myself from two unhealthy, heavily enmeshed relationships with my codependent mother and alcoholic brother (AF died 21 years ago).
I have had two previous, very painful experiences of 'death of a relationship with a significant (enmeshed) other'. In both cases, I was on the "receiving end" of the break-up. My first experience was the death of my alcoholic father. My second experience was eleven years ago when my husband left me for another woman.
I have never instigated the break-up of a relationship with a significant other before. This has been a new experience for me and very scary because I am the one in the driving seat, I am the one who is making big changes happen.
That got me thinking....
I wondered where I found the strength to initiate the changes from. The strength came in the form of desperation. These relationships were bad for me and doing incredible damage, they were "killing" me. It was a self-protective reaction.
Then I got to thinking....
How have I found the strength to keep going with my chosen course of action. The withdrawal has been powerful, at times I thought the urge to reestablish contact and familiarity would overwhelm me. Well...
-I found strength here in SR.
-I found strength in the truth that these two people were damaging me and the only person who could change that was myself. Simple logic. Don't keep putting your hand in the fire, it burns.
-I found strength in the knowledge that the withdrawal I was experiencing was only natural. I was disengaging from the two people I have known best and for longest on this earth. Again, simple when you put it like that.
So...
What I am staring full in the face at the moment is the death of the two relationships. When I take away:
-the abuse I suffered as a child
-the emotional and psychological abuse I suffered as an adult
-the unhealthy co-dependent enmeshment that I experienced and contributed to
-the interactions that society dictates we should have (endure in my case) eg Xmas, Birthdays, holidays
Exactly WHAT am I left with?
I am left with nothing. There is nothing left. At some point in my past, the abuse and continued dysfunctional relationships killed any love, care or compassion that I have towards these two people. I realised and accepted that my brother and mother did not and would not love or care for me in a healthy way.
So what was keeping me enmeshed?
It came down to society's rules: Family is important. Blood is thicker than water. You should stick by your family through thick and thin.
I was staying because "I should" NOT out of love and NOT because I wanted to. Faced with that realisation, I knew "should" without love or want was not a good enough reason to stay. I deserve more than that. I am worth so much more than that. Staying just because I "should" was breeding bitterness, resentment and self pity.
Moving on...
I am left with three remaining ties - one emotional and two legal:
1. Fear - this is the last remaining big one. I am fearful of when I eventually confront my mother and brother. I am not scared of them per se only of how they make me feel and react. This is an area that I need to continue to work on. I'm getting better at it but time will probably be the best healer on this one.
2. I am the executor of my brother's will and as such will be called upon in the event of his death.
3. I am next-of-kin for my mother and as such will be called upon in the event of her death OR if she becomes seriously ill and unable to live independently, no doubt I will be consulted.
I am curiously detatched about 2 and 3. I am considering the fact that when they die, I will be left to deal with the technicalities and I am okay with that. H*ll, they may do me a favour and remove me as next-of-kin / executor. I can see my mother removing me as beneficiary out of spite but that does not raise a flicker of emotion in me, she would just be running true-to-form. The way I'm feeling at the moment, I don't honestly think I could stomach any money she left me - it feels like blood money.
I have just reread my post and it is so sad - another dysfunctional / alcoholic family bites the dust but it is also a post of hope as well. Hope for a good day today and a brand new day tomorrow.
IWTHxxx
As most of you will be aware, I am 44 and have recently been working hard to untangle myself from two unhealthy, heavily enmeshed relationships with my codependent mother and alcoholic brother (AF died 21 years ago).
I have had two previous, very painful experiences of 'death of a relationship with a significant (enmeshed) other'. In both cases, I was on the "receiving end" of the break-up. My first experience was the death of my alcoholic father. My second experience was eleven years ago when my husband left me for another woman.
I have never instigated the break-up of a relationship with a significant other before. This has been a new experience for me and very scary because I am the one in the driving seat, I am the one who is making big changes happen.
That got me thinking....
I wondered where I found the strength to initiate the changes from. The strength came in the form of desperation. These relationships were bad for me and doing incredible damage, they were "killing" me. It was a self-protective reaction.
Then I got to thinking....
How have I found the strength to keep going with my chosen course of action. The withdrawal has been powerful, at times I thought the urge to reestablish contact and familiarity would overwhelm me. Well...
-I found strength here in SR.
-I found strength in the truth that these two people were damaging me and the only person who could change that was myself. Simple logic. Don't keep putting your hand in the fire, it burns.
-I found strength in the knowledge that the withdrawal I was experiencing was only natural. I was disengaging from the two people I have known best and for longest on this earth. Again, simple when you put it like that.
So...
What I am staring full in the face at the moment is the death of the two relationships. When I take away:
-the abuse I suffered as a child
-the emotional and psychological abuse I suffered as an adult
-the unhealthy co-dependent enmeshment that I experienced and contributed to
-the interactions that society dictates we should have (endure in my case) eg Xmas, Birthdays, holidays
Exactly WHAT am I left with?
I am left with nothing. There is nothing left. At some point in my past, the abuse and continued dysfunctional relationships killed any love, care or compassion that I have towards these two people. I realised and accepted that my brother and mother did not and would not love or care for me in a healthy way.
So what was keeping me enmeshed?
It came down to society's rules: Family is important. Blood is thicker than water. You should stick by your family through thick and thin.
I was staying because "I should" NOT out of love and NOT because I wanted to. Faced with that realisation, I knew "should" without love or want was not a good enough reason to stay. I deserve more than that. I am worth so much more than that. Staying just because I "should" was breeding bitterness, resentment and self pity.
Moving on...
I am left with three remaining ties - one emotional and two legal:
1. Fear - this is the last remaining big one. I am fearful of when I eventually confront my mother and brother. I am not scared of them per se only of how they make me feel and react. This is an area that I need to continue to work on. I'm getting better at it but time will probably be the best healer on this one.
2. I am the executor of my brother's will and as such will be called upon in the event of his death.
3. I am next-of-kin for my mother and as such will be called upon in the event of her death OR if she becomes seriously ill and unable to live independently, no doubt I will be consulted.
I am curiously detatched about 2 and 3. I am considering the fact that when they die, I will be left to deal with the technicalities and I am okay with that. H*ll, they may do me a favour and remove me as next-of-kin / executor. I can see my mother removing me as beneficiary out of spite but that does not raise a flicker of emotion in me, she would just be running true-to-form. The way I'm feeling at the moment, I don't honestly think I could stomach any money she left me - it feels like blood money.
I have just reread my post and it is so sad - another dysfunctional / alcoholic family bites the dust but it is also a post of hope as well. Hope for a good day today and a brand new day tomorrow.
IWTHxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's funny how our reactions differ, depending on which side of the pen we're standing.
I saw nothing sad in your post at all. I saw the courage to face reality, make appropriate choices based on that reality, and move into a different and better future.
We are not required to love them just because they share some genes with us.
We are not required to be with them even if we DO love them.
My "family of choice" -- friends, mentors, supporters, spiritual kin -- are far, far more important to me than most of my so-called family. It was a transition that took a lot of getting used to, but once I did, I felt so liberated.
Having the freedom to choose my own loved ones, and have them be every bit as important to my life (even moreso) than those with whom I share some biological bits.....changed my life forever.
Thanks for this post!
I saw nothing sad in your post at all. I saw the courage to face reality, make appropriate choices based on that reality, and move into a different and better future.
We are not required to love them just because they share some genes with us.
We are not required to be with them even if we DO love them.
My "family of choice" -- friends, mentors, supporters, spiritual kin -- are far, far more important to me than most of my so-called family. It was a transition that took a lot of getting used to, but once I did, I felt so liberated.
Having the freedom to choose my own loved ones, and have them be every bit as important to my life (even moreso) than those with whom I share some biological bits.....changed my life forever.
Thanks for this post!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
I agree with GiveLove. It seems to me that you've done a lot of thinking and getting in touch with your emotions here, and I commend you for it.
It IS sad that your family's dysfunction has destroyed any feelings of love and caring and replaced it only with a sense of obligation (although, being from a similar situation, I hear what you're saying: You stayed because that's all you knew, that's all you'd ever been taught, and probably for quite a while it was too scary to consider NOT staying).
I know this has been a struggle for you, but FWIW you are an inspiration to me. When I first started recovery, I couldn't even imagine a life without my codie mother because we were so enmeshed. Now, I definitely no longer think that's out of the question. I'm not ready to take that step quite yet because I'm waiting to see if she will respect the boundaries I've set and attempt to at least TRY to have a mutually respectful relationship before I cut off contact. The jury is still out, and frankly I don't expect much, but I want to be able to tell myself I gave it a shot and did all I could.
I think that you, however, DID do all you could. I'm so proud of you for making the choice to protect yourself and do what you can to start taking care of yourself after all these years. I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing. And I know that you know that, because I know life for you is much more peaceful these days.
Hugs hugs hugs.
It IS sad that your family's dysfunction has destroyed any feelings of love and caring and replaced it only with a sense of obligation (although, being from a similar situation, I hear what you're saying: You stayed because that's all you knew, that's all you'd ever been taught, and probably for quite a while it was too scary to consider NOT staying).
I know this has been a struggle for you, but FWIW you are an inspiration to me. When I first started recovery, I couldn't even imagine a life without my codie mother because we were so enmeshed. Now, I definitely no longer think that's out of the question. I'm not ready to take that step quite yet because I'm waiting to see if she will respect the boundaries I've set and attempt to at least TRY to have a mutually respectful relationship before I cut off contact. The jury is still out, and frankly I don't expect much, but I want to be able to tell myself I gave it a shot and did all I could.
I think that you, however, DID do all you could. I'm so proud of you for making the choice to protect yourself and do what you can to start taking care of yourself after all these years. I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing. And I know that you know that, because I know life for you is much more peaceful these days.
Hugs hugs hugs.
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