forwardbound

My husband has become addicted to pain killers over a number of years. It has gotten progressively worse but in bouts. I now know that he got to a point that he never really stop using, just hiding it better. The "bouts" were when he really got out of hand and it was more obvious. When he isn't in the midst of one of those episodes he is a wonderful husband and father. I love him very much. He works everyday and has never uses his paycheck to buy his drugs and has never missed work because of his using. He would do side work that I didn't know about and pay for it that way or with work exchange. Of course he works for his dad or he may have been fired for being high at work. He has never been violent, hasn't cheated. The worse thing he has done is lie over and over and over again, embarrass us, abuse our trust, ruin his body, and endanger my kids by driving with them in the car while high. I asked him to leave a year ago and he left on my son's bday for rehab voluntarily but I did all the arranging. I was the perfect codie. I see that now. I welcomed him back as a changed person after only three weeks of rehab. He said he didn't think he was an addict when he went in but after detox, it was clear. He went to meetings and followed all the "rules" talking with his sponsor, going to church with us, working in his workbook. I started trusting...again. I went to the family meetings and read books, looked online but meetings for me are really out of the question and someone has to be there with the kids while he is gone to meetings and we have no family help with the kids. He relapsed one time but told me and started going to more meetings. He relapsed again and this time there was alcohol too (taboo in our house even through everything because I am also the adult child of an alcoholic) and I had to go pick up my children because someone reported him in a store as being with children and unfit to drive. I had been gone all day and did not know. I asked him to leave for good and I left him with the police. The police just wanted me to take him home. He checked into a four month long christian rehab facility voluntarily and WITHOUT MY HELP and seems to be doing wonderfully. He's only been there a few weeks and next week will be a year since he went into the FIRST rehab facility. Its depressing. I told him that years of betraying our trust has ruined our relationship. He wants to work on it. He says he will live with his parents when he gets out and work on building trust again as long as it takes if I just wont pursue a divorce. I'm afraid. What if I trust him again? I am having to rebuild my life without him while he and his income are gone. I don't want to have to do it all over again but what if its real...this time. I love him but am I setting myself up for pain? What if its all great for years and then it begins again. Is it worth having those years? I'm afraid, alone and just sad and so, so very tired. I guess my user name is where I want to be and not necessarily where I have gotten to.

teke

hi forwardbound, welcome. you've come to a good place. keep reading around the board and post as much as you like. there is a lot of helpful info in the stickies at the top of the forum page, alanon/naranon face to face support groups are also very helpful for family and friends of addicts.

there are no guarantees in rehabs, detox,etc. sorry. relapse are so common, therefore, maybe its time that you focus more on what you will do just in case relapse does happen. his recovery will be totally up to him, there is nothing you can do other than make sure you take care of yourself.

i relapsed after 9yrs, and i can't promise that i won't ever relapse again but what i can say is that i will do the best i can not to. actions speaks louder than words. your life can get better even if he decides not to. sorry i can give you a more comforting answer and i will keep you guys in my prayers.

hello-kitty

oh. Is that all?

Hi and welcome. I'm glad your husband is getting help for his addiction. I hope you will too. Coming here is a great first step.

Addiction is a family disease. Family members should seek help and support while the addict is in treatment so they can learn about setting boundaries, how to stop enabling and how to take care of themselves (protect themselves) once the addict is out in the real world again.

I hope you will keep posting and reading here so you can learn all you can about addiction and what it takes for a person to recover. I hope you will learn how to take the focus off the addict and put it back on you and your children.

I strongly encourage you to attend alanon or naranon. You will find people in your community who are going thru similar situations and they can be your lifeline.

forwardbound

Except there is no alanon in my area. The nearest one is 45 minutes away and now its just me and three kids. How do I got to Alanon?

hello-kitty

Hi forwardbound.

I don't know. That's a tough question. I'm sorry for your pain and troubles. I understand being completely frustrated, feeling like the world had been ripped out from underneath my feet by an addict and completely at a loss of what to do next.

You definitely will find support and kindness on this site. Lots of people have been there.

ventuhome

Welocme forwardbound to SR!!!If you cant make it to a Face to Face meeting, pls read the stickies at the top of this forum. Whether or not you decide to stay, you can detach yourself from the addiction, a little at a time. A really good place to start is financially. Get yourself your own bank account, to protect yourself and your kids. Also see if there is a church in your area that might have a support group.

leelee5675

How about a big ((((hug)))).

I know that tiredness you speak of in your post. I have been there many, many times. Unfortunately, teke is right in saying there is no guarantee that there will be no relapse in the future. Not to be pessimistic, just to be realistic.

I, too, am the grown child of an alcoholic. I watched him relapse over and over from the time I was 8 until he died when I was 40. I have also watched my grown daughter relapse twice on meth. Addiction is a sad and chaotic thing and you will know somewhere deep inside if the time comes that you need to leave. Only you will know.

The place where you are now is so uncertain and scary, so please come to this site as much as possible. It can be quite comforting, especially if you see no way you can attend meetings. I live in a small town with limited meetings and I use this site as my therapy between meetings and my licensed therapist.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

teke

though face to face meetings are good, i rarely got to attend due to heath issues and lack of transportation. when i was able to go, i did bring my kids. i've spent most of my time here. these people has been a true sanity saver for me. i agree, keep coming here.

forwardbound

Thank you all.
You are telling me things that are hard to hear but I know that are all true.
I am taking steps to become financially independent, reducing my lifestyle and making it clear that he cannot return to our home when he gets out of rehab. That is a priviledge that will he will have to prove himself worthy of and a priviledge that I will have to decide if I'm willing to give him when he is because I know with that gift comes the chance of relapse. I'm not sure that I can take that chance. Time will tell but I will never depend on him again financially or emotionally. I must find a way to be happy despite him not because of him.
I do have support at church as does he but its not support that understands. Its support that says Im praying for you and hear if you need an ear, or a dollar but they don't understand.
Thats why I'm so glad I have found this site.
Thanks again. I'm looking forward to truly being fowardbound but I know there are a lot more tears and anger to come first.
Today was hard. It was the 2nd year in a row our son has had to celebrate his birthday without his dad because he was in rehab. The first time I counted it a gift to our son. This time, I'm just sad for him. He had a good day. He's a good boy but they are all struggling.

hello-kitty

Happy birthday to your little boy. I feel sad for him too. Kids get it the worst when it comes to dealing with addicts.