firestorm090

Day eleven without a drink, and I feel better, maybe a little more human.

With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, it's been tough to get my bearings lately. The withdrawal symptoms have subsided somewhat today, thank goodness for that. However, with the dawn of a new day, the fog lifting a bit, I'm seeing myself in a clearer light today and I don't like what I see. A few years ago, maybe twenty or so, I remember a commercial from Toys R Us with a short song, "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R us Kid" and I realized today that I'm that kid. I've skated along on my wits and bs for so long that I've forgotten the value of hard work, which is ultimately one of the keys to success in any endeavor. No wonder I've relapsed so many times, I don't want to do the hard work. I attend AA, but I'm not "in" AA, I come here to SR and spout my woes, yet I can turn off my cpu and go get drunk, then come back here for a warm welcome back. I go to college, but skip the homework because it interferes with my drinking. I have superficial relationships with people because if they get too close, they may want me to be accountable, which would cramp my style, so I keep them away from my reality as much as possible. The reason I keep drinking, get a few days clean, then go back out, is because I really don't want to stop drinking, because to do so puts me back in the real world, which literally scares the bejesus out of me. Also, to get and stay sober, I must become responsible for my actions, but if I'm a washed-out drunk, people will just roll their eyes and say, "Well, what do ya expect, he's an alcoholic, ya know."

I think it's time to get involved with life, get to know some people and let them know me, warts and all, cause that's the only way recovery will stick for me. I can't do this alone, so this kid has got to get serious about recovery, put the plug in the ole jug for good and stick with a plan that works, not my plan, but the any plan I can find that offers relief from the inner hell alcohol has helped create in my life.

Gosh, I haven't been this honest in many years. What's up w/that?

Thanks for reading.

keithj

Nice read, FS. Honesty is required for most of us. And I don't know if it's something I had much of coming into recovery, or if it's a gift of recovery. But I do know that the willingness to look at things as honestly as I could at the time was a great benefit. Keep an open mind and be willing to do what it takes, even when it's uncomfortable.

I find that whenever I can face something that is uncomfortable, and do the right action anyway, in spite of not wanting to, I'm led to a peaceful resolution and a deeper understanding.

Tazman53

Excellent post, I assume you have a 24 hour chip around? Pick it up and look on the side with the serenity prayer, see that depression in the middle? That is where I try to be in AA, in the middle of it.

Take the chip and balance it on a pencil, now take your finger and put it in the center of the chip while it is on the pencil. The chip is SOLID on the pencil because your finger is in the middle, now move your finger to the outside of the chip..... the chip falls!!!!

I was told and have heard it repeated many times in AA that the best way to stay sober in AA is to stay in the middle of AA and not hang out on the outer fringes because one might fall off.

Surlyredhead

Congratulations on your eleven days sober! The first ones were the hardest for me.
I understand your feelings. My life was completely about drinking before I quit "for real". I think you may be surprised how quickly the "work" you speak of becomes simply a way of life. Then it won't seem like work at all! As for growing up, I refuse to do it , you will soon find that you can have so much more fun sober than you ever imagined. Right now, the most important thing is NOT drinking. Take things slow and know that it will get better.
On another note, about letting people see the real you, warts and all, that is the only way to live. I have told people this word for word..."I am in recovery, you may hear things from people about my past. Don't even ask me about it, just assume it is true, if you can't be my friend anyway, then we aren't really friends at all." I make no excuses for my past, I am not proud of being an Alcoholic, but I am not ashamed either, it is as much a part of me as my red hair, I have forgiven myself for being sick, and in doing that, I was able to get better.

Cathy

NewBeginning010

Thanks FS, we are working on the same things. Thanks for the great share

Take Care,

NB

firestorm090

Thanks Surlyredhead, Taz, & Keith,

I appreciate your comments and take them to heart. I am who i am, and I can change certain aspects of that, but others are fixed for life, like my bald head, (well, I do have a few strands left around the sides and back, lol).

I'm sure I'm not alone here when I say that as a practicing drunk, I was just plain lazy about many things, such as paying bills on time, keeping my place in order, watching out for the other guy, etc. Some people just don't want to admit it, and neither did I. I need to sincerely look at my behavior if I hope to truly change it, so that's where I am today, (along with my algebra homework, lol).

Dee74

Thanks FS.

I always said I had the longest adolescence in history - and I really did.

I vehemently didn't want to admit that tho - and I avoided looking at myself honestly for the longest time.

Most of my life was endless rationalisation and excuses for why I was like I was, and why I couldn't try anything new - I was ill, I was in special circumstances, I was already doing my best...

BS.

Its scary as hell but it feels great to put the effort I used to put into excuses and drinking into change and growth...

I've grown up more, and achieved more, in the last two and a half years than I did in the previous 20....and there's still such a long way to go

I started off terrifed but I really got into it
You'll get into it too FS

D

vegibean

WOO HOO firestorm, I believe I heard some moments of clarity in that up there post. Right on!!!

Anna

That's a great post, Firestorm!

You know, I have read that emotional development pretty much stops when addiction begins. For me, my emotional development pretty much stopped due to violence and abuse in childhood. I had so much to go through when I stopped drinking. Some days it does seem like work, but most days, it's a labor of love for myself and life.

firestorm090

Hi Anna, vegibean, & Sandy,

Thanks for your responses, they help alot. I can definitely relate to Anna regarding violence and abuse during childhood. Maybe I'll deal with that one day, but for now, it's more than I can cope with. Just keeping the plug in the jug is a test today, and everyday lately.

Without the support here, I'm sure I'd be drunk by now tonight. I need to keep checking in, so that I don't check out.

NewBeginning010

Now this is good advice