advicePLEASE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: boston ma
Posts: 5
advicePLEASE
Hi all Im a new member and just need some advice. My husband is a functioning ah every night for the ride home from work he picks up a 12 pack for the ride he is out at a ball game or golf outing at least twice a week which wouldnt be bad but hes the one who has to stay out untill the last beer is gone or the bars close.. Just a year ago he was diagonesed with diabetes his health is not good but he thinks he doesnt have a problem He hides the beer from me waits till I go to bed to drink.....I did all the wrong things checking up on him checking his car the trash looking for the empties........well im done with that!!!! I am sick of the constant battle the silent treatments the yelling nothing works and he always makes it out to be my fault.....I am trying a new approach , he will do his thing, the kids and I will do ours but I feel he is getting his own way He still gets to come and go, drink everyday and I still have all the responsbility. We went to a work party of his and everyone is telling me what a great guy he is how wonderful he is and I wanted to scream.........OF course hes a great guy he is mister fun drunk .. so badly I wanted to tell all his buddies that he is a ah who is never home how he only cares about himself.......I am so angry and resentful I cant take it anymoreI find myself thinking of this 24 7 my personality seems to be changing I am so negative all the time I feel like all I do is complain how to I get past this, alanon is a great idea but again he is never here.............
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi hadanuff.
Are you saying you can't get to alanon because you'd need him to watch the kids? Lots of meetings allow children or have daycare. Call for info... alanon should be listed in your local phone book.
If getting out of the house is still a problem, there is still a lot of literature that can be helpful. At the top of this forum you'll see a post that says "power posts". On that post you'll find a link to a post called "bookclub" that has a lot of suggestions from our members of books that have helped them.
And you can always come here and scream... we do!
Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke
Are you saying you can't get to alanon because you'd need him to watch the kids? Lots of meetings allow children or have daycare. Call for info... alanon should be listed in your local phone book.
If getting out of the house is still a problem, there is still a lot of literature that can be helpful. At the top of this forum you'll see a post that says "power posts". On that post you'll find a link to a post called "bookclub" that has a lot of suggestions from our members of books that have helped them.
And you can always come here and scream... we do!
Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
welcome hadanuff !
what's happening with you, the feelings the obsessive
thinking has happened to me. 16 mths ago I came into
alanon feeling like a basket case. Today my thinking has
cleared although my situation has not ( my daughter is an
A and my son might be but he went through a bad mental
change), alanon has shown me a way to live that I rely on,
with the help of my Higher Power and the family of choice I
now have, my life is richer then it has ever been.
Keep coming here and also try a meeting- you have nothing to
loose and so much to gain
Hugs
liddy
what's happening with you, the feelings the obsessive
thinking has happened to me. 16 mths ago I came into
alanon feeling like a basket case. Today my thinking has
cleared although my situation has not ( my daughter is an
A and my son might be but he went through a bad mental
change), alanon has shown me a way to live that I rely on,
with the help of my Higher Power and the family of choice I
now have, my life is richer then it has ever been.
Keep coming here and also try a meeting- you have nothing to
loose and so much to gain
Hugs
liddy
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Hadanuff 
Welcome,
I also know these feelings so well... at times I still get reminders.
I can't give you sure-fire solutions; but I can tell you what has worked for me, and many others here.
Alanon may seem daunting and uncomfortable at first, but the fellowship and friends you'll make there (at meetings) and here (at SR) can make such a difference. You've got to make the effort to find a sitter, or bring the kids with you... just go, and you won't be sorry.
The most important initial lesson I learned was that I had to stop focussing (obsessing
) about my AH; about a problem, an issue that was never mine to worry about. What this did for me was amazing... Suddenly I had space and time to take care of what was really important - me!!
I hope that you'll keep coming here and sharing... See you around
Meg
Welcome,
I also know these feelings so well... at times I still get reminders.
I can't give you sure-fire solutions; but I can tell you what has worked for me, and many others here.
Alanon may seem daunting and uncomfortable at first, but the fellowship and friends you'll make there (at meetings) and here (at SR) can make such a difference. You've got to make the effort to find a sitter, or bring the kids with you... just go, and you won't be sorry.
The most important initial lesson I learned was that I had to stop focussing (obsessing
) about my AH; about a problem, an issue that was never mine to worry about. What this did for me was amazing... Suddenly I had space and time to take care of what was really important - me!!I hope that you'll keep coming here and sharing... See you around
Meg
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Southwest USA
Posts: 23
hadanuff,
I think I can relate. I used to feel the same way -- like if I just did my own thing and let my AH do his that he was "getting his way" because he was getting to stay out, drink, do everything he wanted while I took care of the kids, the house, the bills, etc....but I did it anyway. I forced myself to focus on myself and my kids and, pretty soon, it didn't matter to me what my AH was doing. Pretty soon, I was just happy because I was making myself and my kids happy and it didn't matter about my husband anymore. This is a recent development for me, after years and years of beating my head against the wall trying to get him to see how hurtful and destructive his behavior is. I can tell you, I am much happier now that I am not focused on him. My kids are happier, too. They have their mom back, which is good, because they don't really have a functioning dad. But now I am not angry all the time, I read to them, I play with them, I give them bubble baths...it's great! And I read books, listen to my music, talk to my friends...it's amazing how much more time I have for me now that I have stopped pacing the floor wondering when AH will decide to come home and how I will make him feel as miserable as me once he does come home. Don't worry about him AT ALL. Make your own way. It is so worth it. Even if it is hard at first, just make yourself put YOU first and pretty soon, you'll see, you won't care about whether he is "getting his way" or not. You'll never change him anyway, so any time and energy you spend trying are truly wasted and would be much better spent reading a good book (or whatever it is you like to do!).
I think I can relate. I used to feel the same way -- like if I just did my own thing and let my AH do his that he was "getting his way" because he was getting to stay out, drink, do everything he wanted while I took care of the kids, the house, the bills, etc....but I did it anyway. I forced myself to focus on myself and my kids and, pretty soon, it didn't matter to me what my AH was doing. Pretty soon, I was just happy because I was making myself and my kids happy and it didn't matter about my husband anymore. This is a recent development for me, after years and years of beating my head against the wall trying to get him to see how hurtful and destructive his behavior is. I can tell you, I am much happier now that I am not focused on him. My kids are happier, too. They have their mom back, which is good, because they don't really have a functioning dad. But now I am not angry all the time, I read to them, I play with them, I give them bubble baths...it's great! And I read books, listen to my music, talk to my friends...it's amazing how much more time I have for me now that I have stopped pacing the floor wondering when AH will decide to come home and how I will make him feel as miserable as me once he does come home. Don't worry about him AT ALL. Make your own way. It is so worth it. Even if it is hard at first, just make yourself put YOU first and pretty soon, you'll see, you won't care about whether he is "getting his way" or not. You'll never change him anyway, so any time and energy you spend trying are truly wasted and would be much better spent reading a good book (or whatever it is you like to do!).
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Bradenton, FL
Posts: 1
:cries2: I have a very similar problem only I really don't care about him "getting away with it" I obsess over the drinking because I am so afraid that he will kill someone when he is driving. We live in a community where there are lots and lots of kids and he can't even walk sometimes when he gets out of the car! I can't stand it and and I can't get by it! I don't know what to do -- if someone can help -- please!!!
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Sue
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Sue
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Sue,
Welcome
Your husband is drinking and driving, and as much as you love him and don't want to bring harm to him, what he is doing is illegal. The solution is quite simple: Call the Police.
We all know the devastation D and D brings to families... you just cannot wait until it is too late.
When I began working my recovery, there were many things I had to do to provide safety and security for myself and our children. I had to take over all of the families finances, and our business money; I had to set boundaries that gave my kids and I a safe home to live in (no drugs / alcohol in house); I DID call the police when he was out drinking and driving... It took a lot of "guts" for me to take these steps, and my AH was more than a little upset at first. But, the fact is that these are important and necessary steps... Not only do they provide a "safe place" for US, but they may just save lives.
I hope you come back and share some more
Take care
Meg
Welcome
Your husband is drinking and driving, and as much as you love him and don't want to bring harm to him, what he is doing is illegal. The solution is quite simple: Call the Police.
We all know the devastation D and D brings to families... you just cannot wait until it is too late.
When I began working my recovery, there were many things I had to do to provide safety and security for myself and our children. I had to take over all of the families finances, and our business money; I had to set boundaries that gave my kids and I a safe home to live in (no drugs / alcohol in house); I DID call the police when he was out drinking and driving... It took a lot of "guts" for me to take these steps, and my AH was more than a little upset at first. But, the fact is that these are important and necessary steps... Not only do they provide a "safe place" for US, but they may just save lives.
I hope you come back and share some more
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
welcome hadanuff
Yes, I too was exactly where you are. I relate to every word. I had the same thing. Everyone loved my AH. I would just say "you don't have to live with him". I was resentful that he was getting his way too.
But the truth is, if you focused on your own happiness the way he is on his own, you'd soon find you were actually able to be happier than he ever will be. Deep down they are not happy, it is all part of the disease.
And I have been so fortunate to have found al anon and this forum. My life is under my control now, and I am thankful everyday. I care about my feelings and what I am thinking just as much or even more than anyone elses. I never could say that before. I take time to look at how soemthing is making me feel and take steps to address it.
Keep coming back. Read the literature. Find a meeting. Soon you will find a way to focus on your feelings and your thoughts. Don't bother trying to convince him or make him see, just focus on you. Leave his problems to him and you'll discover how great your life can be when all the energy you were putting into all that stuff with him is put into discovering your own happiness.
But the truth is, if you focused on your own happiness the way he is on his own, you'd soon find you were actually able to be happier than he ever will be. Deep down they are not happy, it is all part of the disease.
And I have been so fortunate to have found al anon and this forum. My life is under my control now, and I am thankful everyday. I care about my feelings and what I am thinking just as much or even more than anyone elses. I never could say that before. I take time to look at how soemthing is making me feel and take steps to address it.
Keep coming back. Read the literature. Find a meeting. Soon you will find a way to focus on your feelings and your thoughts. Don't bother trying to convince him or make him see, just focus on you. Leave his problems to him and you'll discover how great your life can be when all the energy you were putting into all that stuff with him is put into discovering your own happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: boston ma
Posts: 5
well last night was it he was four hours late I called his dad because I had to go to work needless to say I told his dad EVERYTHING...(His dad was upset I hadnt said anything sooner)so now the silence begins he of course is acting as though ereything is still my fault I over react BLAH BLAH BLAH........It was or sons birthday last night he bought him a gift and later said to me see I dont spend all my money on beer... what an ass.......
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