I'm new here - and I need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
I'm new here - and I need advice
My step-son (28) is coming home from a detox center in the next couple of days, and I'm looking for advice. Although we will be getting him into a residential facililty, there may be a "lag time" where he's home for a few days to a couple of weeks and will need to stay with either us or his mother and step-dad. We're very nervous about it. We don't know what he will be like (now that he will be drug free).
From your experiences, how do we handle this? I know we'll have to impose some very strict rules (as if it were the rehab facility). How fragile of a state will he be in? Is there anything we should remove from the house? We brought him back here (he came voluntarily) because he was living 200 miles away, going to school and working part time.
We have his cell phone which has countless messages to and from the people he purchased from - who he owes money to (we can tell by the context of the messages). The phone is in our name and we're going to cancel it, because we don't want him to be tempted to talk with these people. In fact, we don't think he should ever go back to that town. We've found out in the last few days that he has nothing. He sold everything he owned. He even promised the title of his car to someone (which is funny because the car's not even in his name).
He's lied to us about everything for the past year and obviously feel that we can't trust him. I hope that trust will come in time. We are looking into Alanon meetings and I'm sure we'll get helpful info. there, but in the meantime, can anyone offer suggestion regarding this brief period of time at home with us?
This is all new to us - this has all transpired in the past 5 days. We're very overwhelmed. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Karen
From your experiences, how do we handle this? I know we'll have to impose some very strict rules (as if it were the rehab facility). How fragile of a state will he be in? Is there anything we should remove from the house? We brought him back here (he came voluntarily) because he was living 200 miles away, going to school and working part time.
We have his cell phone which has countless messages to and from the people he purchased from - who he owes money to (we can tell by the context of the messages). The phone is in our name and we're going to cancel it, because we don't want him to be tempted to talk with these people. In fact, we don't think he should ever go back to that town. We've found out in the last few days that he has nothing. He sold everything he owned. He even promised the title of his car to someone (which is funny because the car's not even in his name).
He's lied to us about everything for the past year and obviously feel that we can't trust him. I hope that trust will come in time. We are looking into Alanon meetings and I'm sure we'll get helpful info. there, but in the meantime, can anyone offer suggestion regarding this brief period of time at home with us?
This is all new to us - this has all transpired in the past 5 days. We're very overwhelmed. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Karen
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi,welcome. glad you are here. i think you are off to a good start with ala non and coming here. lots of wisdom here and info so take a read around, learn all you can and post as much as you like.
really, imp, what he does with his recovery is totally up to him. if he decides to use, there is not much you can do to stop him but since the phone is in your name, canceling service may be in your best interest, just my op. my suggestion to you would be to just continue to keep the focus on you and let him do the focusing on his recovery. i think it may not be such a great idea to allow him to continue to have possession of a car that he has already promised to turn title over expecially for drugs.
i suggest you set boundaries that you are willing to follow through on in case you have to. also maybe protect your valuables just in case. i pray that all works out for you guys but its also good to think safety, you never know. i'll keep all of you in my prayers.
really, imp, what he does with his recovery is totally up to him. if he decides to use, there is not much you can do to stop him but since the phone is in your name, canceling service may be in your best interest, just my op. my suggestion to you would be to just continue to keep the focus on you and let him do the focusing on his recovery. i think it may not be such a great idea to allow him to continue to have possession of a car that he has already promised to turn title over expecially for drugs.
i suggest you set boundaries that you are willing to follow through on in case you have to. also maybe protect your valuables just in case. i pray that all works out for you guys but its also good to think safety, you never know. i'll keep all of you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Welcome to SR.
Cancelling the phone and not giving it to him.. great idea.
Not allowing him to use the car... great idea. Store it at someone else's house and/or hide the key.
Setting up boundaries with him.. good idea. What will you be willing to follow through on. Such as... if you relapse... you are out of the house, etc., etc.
Removing of valuables from the house... good idea. Keep them locked and/or stored away from the house. I would also suggest to not leave checks lying around also. I learned that one the hard way. Also, do not leave credit cards lying around either.
If he's going to relapse, he will. You can't live your life with these fears. I opted to not have my RBF return to my house under no condition. We use to live together and despite how bad I feel for him and he may never pull through this relapse/early recovery, I just can't take the risk associated with someone in early recovery. It's too emotional, you can't trust them and I'm not willing to spend my days at home stressed and worried about what is going on with him while I'm not at home. It wasn't worth it.
He's 28... think about him returning to your house. He can always go to free rehabs such as the Salvation Army until the one he wants to go to falls through. Honestly, in my opinion, I wouldn't have him return to the house.
Best of luck. I know it's a hard decision to make. But once you have been burned more than a copule of times, you will see the rationalization in what I'm saying. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Cancelling the phone and not giving it to him.. great idea.
Not allowing him to use the car... great idea. Store it at someone else's house and/or hide the key.
Setting up boundaries with him.. good idea. What will you be willing to follow through on. Such as... if you relapse... you are out of the house, etc., etc.
Removing of valuables from the house... good idea. Keep them locked and/or stored away from the house. I would also suggest to not leave checks lying around also. I learned that one the hard way. Also, do not leave credit cards lying around either.
If he's going to relapse, he will. You can't live your life with these fears. I opted to not have my RBF return to my house under no condition. We use to live together and despite how bad I feel for him and he may never pull through this relapse/early recovery, I just can't take the risk associated with someone in early recovery. It's too emotional, you can't trust them and I'm not willing to spend my days at home stressed and worried about what is going on with him while I'm not at home. It wasn't worth it.
He's 28... think about him returning to your house. He can always go to free rehabs such as the Salvation Army until the one he wants to go to falls through. Honestly, in my opinion, I wouldn't have him return to the house.
Best of luck. I know it's a hard decision to make. But once you have been burned more than a copule of times, you will see the rationalization in what I'm saying. I'll keep you in my prayers.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi kshisme,
I don't have any advice except maybe you would find more helpful info by posting this on the Alcoholism forum. Folks there have been in your stepson's position, and have also experienced sobriety and family issues like this.
I bet you do just fine.
L2L
I don't have any advice except maybe you would find more helpful info by posting this on the Alcoholism forum. Folks there have been in your stepson's position, and have also experienced sobriety and family issues like this.
I bet you do just fine.
L2L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome and advice. A couple of clarifications for you - the car is a non-issue now. It was in his mother and step-father's name and they've already gotten rid of it.
L2L - I didn't mention in my post, although after re-reading it, I know that it appears he's an alchoholic - he's not. He was doing Oxycontin and Heroin. We were told that Alanon was preferable to Narcanon due to the triggers associated with the Narcanon meetings (for the addict). I've also heard stories that drug deals can happen at the meeting - of course, I don't know if this is true, but why take the chance?
I'm not "afraid" of him coming back to either of our homes for a few days - he's more of a child than an adult - I'm just want to make sure we take the appropriate steps/precautions. All 4 of us are meeting tonight at my house to discuss the "house rules" situation and to make sure we are all on the same page. We want to be supportive regarding his choice to rehab, and I'm realizing that there's a fine line between supporting and enabling. We need to make sure we don't cross that line anymore.
Keep your suggestions coming - I'm learning a lot during this crash course about drug addiction.
Thank you
L2L - I didn't mention in my post, although after re-reading it, I know that it appears he's an alchoholic - he's not. He was doing Oxycontin and Heroin. We were told that Alanon was preferable to Narcanon due to the triggers associated with the Narcanon meetings (for the addict). I've also heard stories that drug deals can happen at the meeting - of course, I don't know if this is true, but why take the chance?
I'm not "afraid" of him coming back to either of our homes for a few days - he's more of a child than an adult - I'm just want to make sure we take the appropriate steps/precautions. All 4 of us are meeting tonight at my house to discuss the "house rules" situation and to make sure we are all on the same page. We want to be supportive regarding his choice to rehab, and I'm realizing that there's a fine line between supporting and enabling. We need to make sure we don't cross that line anymore.
Keep your suggestions coming - I'm learning a lot during this crash course about drug addiction.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by kshisme 
I'm not "afraid" of him coming back to either of our homes for a few days - he's more of a child than an adult - I'm just want to make sure we take the appropriate steps/precautions. All 4 of us are meeting tonight at my house to discuss the "house rules" situation and to make sure we are all on the same page. We want to be supportive regarding his choice to rehab, and I'm realizing that there's a fine line between supporting and enabling. We need to make sure we don't cross that line anymore.
I have set limits and boundaries with my RBF. I didn't think he would cross them a second time. What a dummy I was?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kshisme
L2L - I didn't mention in my post, although after re-reading it, I know that it appears he's an alchoholic - he's not. He was doing Oxycontin and Heroin. We were told that Alanon was preferable to Narcanon due to the triggers associated with the Narcanon meetings (for the addict). I've also heard stories that drug deals can happen at the meeting - of course, I don't know if this is true, but why take the chance?
I qualify for all the programs. I have a home AA group I have been attending since 1986. It's been my limited experience that there is more quality recovery in AA than NA.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
By the time you see this, you will have probably already had your meeting to discuss the situation, rules, etc. that you referenced in an earlier post. But I thought I would tell you I went through a situation very similar to yours just a couple of months ago. My 32-year-old daughter went through detox (5 days) with one week out before actually entering a 28 day rehab program.
I was lucky in that she found a friend to stay with during that week, so I didn't have her in my home, but was in close contact with her via phone. I also had/have custody of her 4-year-old daughter, so I had HUGE influence over her (which I don't THINK I abused??).
I would "ditto" all the advice you received in the above posts (i.e. securing any valuables, setting boundaries, etc.)
I don't know if this is your first time around with this, but the one thing I would really emphasize is to realize that he is nowhere near normal yet. He is still in shock over the recent drastic change in his life. He has had the chemical greatly reduced or removed from his body, but his mind is still in a fog. Unless he has been to rehab before, he probably doesn't have any coping skills yet, and it could be that he won't understand why you are nervous or not acting quite normal. My daughter was still very emotional and defensive at that time, and couldn't understand why I didn't believe that she had just automatically changed back to her "old self" in only 5 days.
If he lived with you prior to detox and you saw his addiction "up close and personal", then I would watch very closely for any behavior patterns you might have seen before that could relate to using, then enforce whatever boundaries you have set during his stay emphatically.
If you haven't done so already, I would suggest reading the "sticky" at the top of this forum titled "What Addicts Do". It was so helpful to me when my daughter first sought help. It was written by a recovering addict to help those close to them try to understand the mindset of an addict when actively using. For me, It was like peering into something I didn't really want to see or believe, but at the same time helped me understand some of the behavior patterns I had seen in my daughter over the past 3 years. It made me feel a little less crazy. (She had been living with me for 4 years and actively using 3 of those years).
Know that I and many others here are thinking of you and all the family members you mentioned here. We've all been there on some level and we are here for any questions you may have. Keep us posted.
I was lucky in that she found a friend to stay with during that week, so I didn't have her in my home, but was in close contact with her via phone. I also had/have custody of her 4-year-old daughter, so I had HUGE influence over her (which I don't THINK I abused??).
I would "ditto" all the advice you received in the above posts (i.e. securing any valuables, setting boundaries, etc.)
I don't know if this is your first time around with this, but the one thing I would really emphasize is to realize that he is nowhere near normal yet. He is still in shock over the recent drastic change in his life. He has had the chemical greatly reduced or removed from his body, but his mind is still in a fog. Unless he has been to rehab before, he probably doesn't have any coping skills yet, and it could be that he won't understand why you are nervous or not acting quite normal. My daughter was still very emotional and defensive at that time, and couldn't understand why I didn't believe that she had just automatically changed back to her "old self" in only 5 days.
If he lived with you prior to detox and you saw his addiction "up close and personal", then I would watch very closely for any behavior patterns you might have seen before that could relate to using, then enforce whatever boundaries you have set during his stay emphatically.
If you haven't done so already, I would suggest reading the "sticky" at the top of this forum titled "What Addicts Do". It was so helpful to me when my daughter first sought help. It was written by a recovering addict to help those close to them try to understand the mindset of an addict when actively using. For me, It was like peering into something I didn't really want to see or believe, but at the same time helped me understand some of the behavior patterns I had seen in my daughter over the past 3 years. It made me feel a little less crazy. (She had been living with me for 4 years and actively using 3 of those years).
Know that I and many others here are thinking of you and all the family members you mentioned here. We've all been there on some level and we are here for any questions you may have. Keep us posted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
Again, thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. This is the first time around for us. Frankly, we're not sure that he'll be able to do it. We had our meeting, which went well and it's good to know that we are all on the same page and agree to these very tough rules. We all understand that in the end, he IS an adult, and he has to want to do this for himself and all we can do is be supportive.
It's interesting that leelee mentioned the sticky post called "What Addicts Do" because I saw that just before our meeting and printed it off for all of us. Although reading it tears your heart out, it definitely puts things into perspective.
We also realize that detox is a very small step and that he'll be in a fragile state afterwards. I know that he is nowhere near ready to make good decisions yet - hence the discussion of the strict rules that are similar to being under house arrest.
We intend to tell him when we first see him that we do not trust him and we will not believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He will have to show us with his actions, not his words, that he is ready and willing to do this for himself.
My husband and I are going out of town tomorrow for one night for our anniversary and we'll return Saturday afternoon. The latest I heard was that he may be released Saturday or Sunday. Thanks again to all of you, and I'll keep you posted.
Karen
It's interesting that leelee mentioned the sticky post called "What Addicts Do" because I saw that just before our meeting and printed it off for all of us. Although reading it tears your heart out, it definitely puts things into perspective.
We also realize that detox is a very small step and that he'll be in a fragile state afterwards. I know that he is nowhere near ready to make good decisions yet - hence the discussion of the strict rules that are similar to being under house arrest.
We intend to tell him when we first see him that we do not trust him and we will not believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He will have to show us with his actions, not his words, that he is ready and willing to do this for himself.
My husband and I are going out of town tomorrow for one night for our anniversary and we'll return Saturday afternoon. The latest I heard was that he may be released Saturday or Sunday. Thanks again to all of you, and I'll keep you posted.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Africa
Posts: 34
Hi Karen,
I think you are doing a great job so far. I think he should stay closer to home now. You need to tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that he has lost your trust and to build it he needs to be open and honest with you. This will lay a solid foundation for the future.
Dont judge him and let him know that too. Open up the communication gates. He needs to know he can tell you EVERYTHING!!! He must be able to come to you if he is feeling "itchy" or his thoughts are taking him back to using...
Encouragment is the way forward. He needs purpose he needs support and unconditional love. Be patient and stay positive. Al Anon is a great forum to hold you during this.
I have started going and when I leave the meeting I am so energized that Im not alone. Karen you are supported here. Write again and let us know your progress.
xx
I think you are doing a great job so far. I think he should stay closer to home now. You need to tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that he has lost your trust and to build it he needs to be open and honest with you. This will lay a solid foundation for the future.
Dont judge him and let him know that too. Open up the communication gates. He needs to know he can tell you EVERYTHING!!! He must be able to come to you if he is feeling "itchy" or his thoughts are taking him back to using...
Encouragment is the way forward. He needs purpose he needs support and unconditional love. Be patient and stay positive. Al Anon is a great forum to hold you during this.
I have started going and when I leave the meeting I am so energized that Im not alone. Karen you are supported here. Write again and let us know your progress.
xx
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