Iwanttoheal

A quick recap on my reasons for going no contact.

After several problems in quick succession, I got to the point where I felt I could no longer cope, as they say, my life had become unmanageable. I attempted to set boundaries with my codie Mum and alcoholic brother but these were trampled down and yet again I caved in.

I then decided more decisive action was necessary and I changed my phone number and wrote to my Mum and brother asking them not to contact me in any way. To date these boundaries have been maintained (two weeks).

My problem is this - I live very, very close to my Mum and brother. If they chose, they could appear on my doorstep within minutes. Now I have my action plan in that I know exactly how I will behave if they knock on my door.
Basically, my plan is not to let them in the house, to not engage in conversation and to calmly walk them back to their car. If there is emotional or physical violence, I will inform them that if their behaviour continues, I will have no option but to call the police because they are harassing me.

So far so good, I know how I'm going to behave.

Where I need practical advice is here:

We live so close to each other that sooner or later, we are going to walk into each other in the street, at the library, in the local shops and I'm unsure how to behave:

I could ignore them - they may chose to ignore me (that would make my life so mush easier). But... I won't be ignoring them if they arrive at my door, I will be dealing with the situation so in the same way I need to deal with them if we walk into each other in the street.

My plan at the moment is to:

... nod, acknowledge their presence and wait for them to speak.
Not to engage in anything relating to family members - I'm practising two stock answers "That's nice"; "I'm sorry to hear that"
Not talk at all or if absolutely necessary, start talking about the weather or last night's TV.
Keep breathing.
Leave as quickly and as calmly as possible.

Any thoughts or advice as ever gratefully received.

Take care all, IWTH xxx

Seren

Hi IWTH....sounds good. Why, though, would you even need to walk them back to their cars? You have every right to not allow them in your home, now even open the door to your home if they decide to show. Once you leave your home, you may be more vulnerable to physical or emotional abuse. If they come to the door, you have every right to ask them to leave. If they don't leave, you have every right to call the police.

Hugs and prayers of healing!

HG

freya

For me "no contact" involves:

1. Not answering calls or returning calls if messages are left;

2. Blocking e-mail addresses;

3. Forbidding the person or persons from coming on my property and being willing to dial 911 if they do.

4. Avoiding situations where I know the person or persons will be present and definitely not conversing with the person or persons if I have to be with him/her/them in a social situation.

If these are people who it is logistically possible could need to contact you with information that you would want or have to have, you can always ask a trusted friend to act as a go-between and tell them that, if they have to contact you with such information, they can do so through that person.

freya

P.S. Also, if a message is left or an email from an unblocked address received and I realize after the first few words that it's just a hateful, hurtful harangue, then I delete/erase it immediately without listening further (Unless, of course, it might provide useful support for getting a restraining order in which case I would probably forward it to a friend for safekeeping -- so that I wouldn't be tempted to torture myself by listening to/reading it and/or to obsess about possible responses. Keeping copies of stuff and documentation of boundaries set and of thier violations can be helpful if it even becomes necessary to involve law enforcement.).

GiveLove

Good advice above, iwanttoheal.

Remember that these things may never come to pass. For example, I live in a very small town (500 people) and still have not seen my next-door neighbor for weeks.

I think your plan is a good one. Have you considered practicing it in a mirror? I know that always helps me....building muscle memory or auditory memory or some kind of memory so I know I can do it when the time comes.

If the time comes. It may not.

You are doing the right things, and you will be okay

Iwanttoheal

Thank you for your replies, there is a lot of good, solid advice here.

Between yesterday and today, I feel like I have turned a corner. I am no longer hiding in fear behind my boundaries but I have turned to face my attackers and I am starting to stand strong. The fear is a lot less today.

I like the idea of building muscle and auditory memory. I say the words in my head but if I practise saying them out loud that will give me extra strength if I need to say them.

I am also using the Just for today from Al-Anon so.....

Just for today, I will not worry about something that might never happen

but...

if it does, I know what I am going to do, I have my plans of action in my head.

Thanks guys, IWTHxxx

tromboneliness

As John McDougall (my favorite program speaker) would say, "Don't bleed 'til you're shot!"

T

GiveLove

I need to just tell you how brilliant this is, especially coming from someone so new to recovery

Keep practicing, iwanttoheal. It works in ALL areas of life (art, sports, skills, and recovery )

Iwanttoheal

LOVE IT!!!!

That is going in my toolbox

Rushl

It takes a very very strong person to not have contact with someone they love. good luck to you and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

takincareome

"Don't bleed 'til you're shot." That's going in MY toolbox too.