Husband jeckle & hyde
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Husband jeckle & hyde
Hi there,
I am new here, as of today 09/09/09. I am 37 yrs old, a wife, and a mother.
I stumbled upon this website group as I typed in Google
"my husband sleeps all the time & has a drug problem"
I registered, and here I am... I am hopeful that I will get some great advice
and learn how to deal with some deep issues that I have with my
husband... Which some of the issues have been going on for many, many years now.
Here's just a bit (not detailed) on why I am here:
Today is our 9th wedding anniversary... But I met him 21 years ago.
I am 37 yrs old and he will be turning 50 yrs in Oct. So, there is
for sure an age difference.
He is like a "Jeckle & Hyde"... Either he's "up" and doing crank/meth (snorting) or he is sleeping. There's no in between... Only getting up to eat, make a kitchen mess, and slam cupboards & go psyco if there's not what he wants... Then back to sleep again...
He is very unmotivated, no goals or dreams... Very un-healthy household and I feel stuck.
I am new here, as of today 09/09/09. I am 37 yrs old, a wife, and a mother.
I stumbled upon this website group as I typed in Google
"my husband sleeps all the time & has a drug problem"
I registered, and here I am... I am hopeful that I will get some great advice
and learn how to deal with some deep issues that I have with my
husband... Which some of the issues have been going on for many, many years now.
Here's just a bit (not detailed) on why I am here:
Today is our 9th wedding anniversary... But I met him 21 years ago.
I am 37 yrs old and he will be turning 50 yrs in Oct. So, there is
for sure an age difference.
He is like a "Jeckle & Hyde"... Either he's "up" and doing crank/meth (snorting) or he is sleeping. There's no in between... Only getting up to eat, make a kitchen mess, and slam cupboards & go psyco if there's not what he wants... Then back to sleep again...
He is very unmotivated, no goals or dreams... Very un-healthy household and I feel stuck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome Angela.
Are you stuck for financial reasons? Or are you stuck because you are waiting for him to change?
He is in advanced addiction and you are still there. Maybe if you tell us a little more about yourself , we can support you as best we can and help you consider your options.
I'm glad you're here.
Bluejay
Are you stuck for financial reasons? Or are you stuck because you are waiting for him to change?
He is in advanced addiction and you are still there. Maybe if you tell us a little more about yourself , we can support you as best we can and help you consider your options.
I'm glad you're here.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by AngelaG 
Hi there,
"... Either he's "up" and doing crank/meth (snorting) or he is sleeping. There's no in between... Only getting up to eat, make a kitchen mess, and slam cupboards & go psyco if there's not what he wants... Then back to sleep again..
He is very unmotivated, no goals or dreams... Very un-healthy household and I feel stuck.
"... Either he's "up" and doing crank/meth (snorting) or he is sleeping. There's no in between... Only getting up to eat, make a kitchen mess, and slam cupboards & go psyco if there's not what he wants... Then back to sleep again..
He is very unmotivated, no goals or dreams... Very un-healthy household and I feel stuck.
I found SR a similar way.
Question-- why do you stay - what are you getting out of the relationship?
Cessy
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi angela, welcome. sorry you are going through all of this but glad you joined us. there is a lot of experience, wisdom and caring here. the stickies at the top of the forum page has a lot of good info, maybe when you get the time you could check it out. keep reading and post as much as you like. alanon and nar anon are good face to face supports groups that you may want to check out too. we who love addicts do sometimes become just as sick as our addicts and need help too.
i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from an active addict of 23yrs, so i do understand your pain. it took me 21 yrs to figure out there was nothing i could do or say to get my ah to change so i had to do the changing.
ino,unless an addict is allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions, it will be harder for them to reach that bottom that may/may not cause them to have that strong desire to get better. addiction is a progressive disease, it more than likely will get so much worse.
maybe it time to focus more on you and how you can make your life easier. your life can get better even if he decides he's not quite ready to get better. stick around, others will be along shortly. i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from an active addict of 23yrs, so i do understand your pain. it took me 21 yrs to figure out there was nothing i could do or say to get my ah to change so i had to do the changing.
ino,unless an addict is allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions, it will be harder for them to reach that bottom that may/may not cause them to have that strong desire to get better. addiction is a progressive disease, it more than likely will get so much worse.
maybe it time to focus more on you and how you can make your life easier. your life can get better even if he decides he's not quite ready to get better. stick around, others will be along shortly. i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by bluejay6
Welcome Angela.
Are you stuck for financial reasons? Or are you stuck because you are waiting for him to change?
He is in advanced addiction and you are still there. Maybe if you tell us a little more about yourself , we can support you as best we can and help you consider your options.
I'm glad you're here.
Bluejay
Are you stuck for financial reasons? Or are you stuck because you are waiting for him to change?
He is in advanced addiction and you are still there. Maybe if you tell us a little more about yourself , we can support you as best we can and help you consider your options.
I'm glad you're here.
Bluejay
I met him when I was 15 1/2 and I am now 37 yrs old. and he is turing 50 yrs in Oct. Yes, there is almost a 13 yr age difference. We had our child when I was 21 yrs. and then left him when our daughter was about 1 1/2 yrs. for about 5 yrs. Then got back together after all those years (thought he changed) and married Sept. 9, 2000. As of today, married for 9 yrs.
During the years we we not together, our daughter was diagnosed with leukemia at age 3 yrs (at that time I was about 24). I was living on my own and a single parent. 3 yrs of chemo... She is almost 17 yrs today...
Also during this time (not together), as our daughter was getting better my husband was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and was read his last rights by a priest... As he was dying... I would go over and take care of him... At that time, he was 36 yrs. old.
He is now going to be 50 yrs. and on several heart meds. Yes, he still does the drug!
If he gets sick he right away thinks he's dying and gets very emotional. But, once he's better he's right back to it again.
When I met him, he used drugs. But being that I was so young, I thought at that time that it was "no big deal." Well... I did grow up.
I used to think ultimatums would work, threatening to leave, etc. Of course that never worked... I have actually found drugs on numerous occasions and I have thrown it out, with water in the container... Again, this sort of action by me does not work...
Yes, I am stuck due to the poor financial situation that we are in... I also have a 16 yr old daughter, a nephew living with us who is going to college from out of town, and 4 pets whom I've had since they were babies.
My husband lost his job that he had for 11 yrs. and I lost my job that I had for 6 yrs. Just thought I'd include a bit on employment...
He just does not have any motivation, drive, goals, and he's mostly clueless as to what goes on in the household. Now, if you met him... You wouldn't even know he was on a drug. He is not the typical "tweaker." I have not been able to find anything nor anyone that is alike with his character and drug usage. He does not have the typical signs of a drug user.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by teke
hi angela, welcome. sorry you are going through all of this but glad you joined us. there is a lot of experience, wisdom and caring here. the stickies at the top of the forum page has a lot of good info, maybe when you get the time you could check it out. keep reading and post as much as you like. alanon and nar anon are good face to face supports groups that you may want to check out too. we who love addicts do sometimes become just as sick as our addicts and need help too.
i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from an active addict of 23yrs, so i do understand your pain. it took me 21 yrs to figure out there was nothing i could do or say to get my ah to change so i had to do the changing.
ino,unless an addict is allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions, it will be harder for them to reach that bottom that may/may not cause them to have that strong desire to get better. addiction is a progressive disease, it more than likely will get so much worse.
maybe it time to focus more on you and how you can make your life easier. your life can get better even if he decides he's not quite ready to get better. stick around, others will be along shortly. i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from an active addict of 23yrs, so i do understand your pain. it took me 21 yrs to figure out there was nothing i could do or say to get my ah to change so i had to do the changing.
ino,unless an addict is allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions, it will be harder for them to reach that bottom that may/may not cause them to have that strong desire to get better. addiction is a progressive disease, it more than likely will get so much worse.
maybe it time to focus more on you and how you can make your life easier. your life can get better even if he decides he's not quite ready to get better. stick around, others will be along shortly. i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by cessy68
Welcome........
I found SR a similar way.
Question-- why do you stay - what are you getting out of the relationship?
Cessy
I found SR a similar way.
Question-- why do you stay - what are you getting out of the relationship?
Cessy
To be quite honest, I feel that I get nothing from this marriage. I do love him, but that's like an addiction within itself... Please read my other replies, as they tell more.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think whether snorting or smoking, it still may end in destruction. addiction is progressive, snorting sometimes seems to take a little longer than smoking, i don't really know though. smoking crack was my drug of choice but i knew people who snorted and most of the time it didn't end up being a pleasant site. take care of you and protect your valuables just in case. my ah would steal the little money we did have and when that was done, he'd start in on any thing he could pawn or sale for drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by teke
i think whether snorting or smoking, it still may end in destruction. addiction is progressive, snorting sometimes seems to take a little longer than smoking, i don't really know though. smoking crack was my drug of choice but i knew people who snorted and most of the time it didn't end up being a pleasant site. take care of you and protect your valuables just in case. my ah would steal the little money we did have and when that was done, he'd start in on any thing he could pawn or sale for drugs.
He is a great guy which is why this is so hard too. He's very intelligent and can have a conversation with anyone and anywhere. He just has a horrible, devastating addiction which causes a lot of this. I also believe that he may have always had/has depression and that is the reason for the drug use... And all the sleeping that he does when he's not on it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Angela,
You are certainly in a tough situation.
First let me say how happy I am that your little girl survived all those years ago....you must have had incredible strength to get through that all alone.
So, you live with a crank addict who controls the mood of the house, does not bring in any money, uses then crashes in a recurring cycle, and seems uninterested in quitting the drug.
You also live with two teenagers and a college student. Therefore, there are four able-bodied people in the home and one big baby.
You are not trapped. You do not have to live this way.
More people on this site will have more to tell you about services available to you....but what comes to mind for me is calling the domestic abuse shelter and asking for a counselor to help you see your way through this (active crank addicts qualify as abusers, no matter whether they hit you).
Another free service would be a weekly Nar-Anon meeting to learn more about ways you might actually be--unknowingly--enabling his behavior and his drug use.
The three young people in your house can be expected to contribute some money toward household expenses via part-time work. The addict can go to Salvation Army for shelter and free drug rehab.
And step by step, you can escape this quicksand you have found yourself in. You managed just fine without him, some years back. You can do the same again.
He is an adult. He can be a MAN and he can solve his problems HIMSELF.
Again, glad you are here. Hope you post whenever you need to. More people will be along tomorrow.
Bluejay
You are certainly in a tough situation.
First let me say how happy I am that your little girl survived all those years ago....you must have had incredible strength to get through that all alone.
So, you live with a crank addict who controls the mood of the house, does not bring in any money, uses then crashes in a recurring cycle, and seems uninterested in quitting the drug.
You also live with two teenagers and a college student. Therefore, there are four able-bodied people in the home and one big baby.
You are not trapped. You do not have to live this way.
More people on this site will have more to tell you about services available to you....but what comes to mind for me is calling the domestic abuse shelter and asking for a counselor to help you see your way through this (active crank addicts qualify as abusers, no matter whether they hit you).
Another free service would be a weekly Nar-Anon meeting to learn more about ways you might actually be--unknowingly--enabling his behavior and his drug use.
The three young people in your house can be expected to contribute some money toward household expenses via part-time work. The addict can go to Salvation Army for shelter and free drug rehab.
And step by step, you can escape this quicksand you have found yourself in. You managed just fine without him, some years back. You can do the same again.
He is an adult. He can be a MAN and he can solve his problems HIMSELF.
Again, glad you are here. Hope you post whenever you need to. More people will be along tomorrow.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by AngelaG
One thing is that he's never stole, and heaven forbid him get rid of anything... I wish he would... He brings crap home because it was "free" and we "might" use it... He has been doing this for most of his life now. He does not have access to our money... He can only cash a check at the little market down the street and that's it. Now, he has taken up to $240 with check cashing in a months period of time, when he shouldn't have... And he says "well, you buy cigarettes!"
In an above post you said he hasn't stolen from you. Isn't this considered stealing from you? He has robbed you of so much. It may not be material but I hear the sadness in your posts Angela. You sound so trapped and unhappy.
He is a great guy which is why this is so hard too. He's very intelligent and can have a conversation with anyone and anywhere. He just has a horrible, devastating addiction which causes a lot of this. I also believe that he may have always had/has depression and that is the reason for the drug use... And all the sleeping that he does when he's not on it.
In an above post you said he hasn't stolen from you. Isn't this considered stealing from you? He has robbed you of so much. It may not be material but I hear the sadness in your posts Angela. You sound so trapped and unhappy.
He is a great guy which is why this is so hard too. He's very intelligent and can have a conversation with anyone and anywhere. He just has a horrible, devastating addiction which causes a lot of this. I also believe that he may have always had/has depression and that is the reason for the drug use... And all the sleeping that he does when he's not on it.
It may be difficult at first but you can make it on your own. There are a lot of services you can apply for within your state to get you back on your feet and give you support such as those through social services, transitional living homes, etc. You are still young and your children are old enough to help with things around the house and they will possibly be working soon and/or going to college. Even with still having minors in the house you can get housing assistance, medical coverage for them and you, food stamps, and on and on.
Is it the fear of being alone another reason you stay?
Please read the stickies at the top. You have lived in his chaos way to long sweetie. Please keep coming back... we'll help you through this. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by AngelaG
He just does not have any motivation, drive, goals, and he's mostly clueless as to what goes on in the household. Now, if you met him... You wouldn't even know he was on a drug. He is not the typical "tweaker." I have not been able to find anything nor anyone that is alike with his character and drug usage. He does not have the typical signs of a drug user.
Sounds like a typical drug user/addict to me.
This is not meant to sound harsh and I say this with all good intentions.... it sounds like you have made excuses for his behavior for so long that you have accepted this as a way of life for you. This is no way for you to live/love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
Welcome to SR.... I'm sure you will find lots of support here.
It may be difficult at first but you can make it on your own. There are a lot of services you can apply for within your state to get you back on your feet and give you support such as those through social services, transitional living homes, etc. You are still young and your children are old enough to help with things around the house and they will possibly be working soon and/or going to college. Even with still having minors in the house you can get housing assistance, medical coverage for them and you, food stamps, and on and on.
Is it the fear of being alone another reason you stay?
Please read the stickies at the top. You have lived in his chaos way to long sweetie. Please keep coming back... we'll help you through this. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.
It may be difficult at first but you can make it on your own. There are a lot of services you can apply for within your state to get you back on your feet and give you support such as those through social services, transitional living homes, etc. You are still young and your children are old enough to help with things around the house and they will possibly be working soon and/or going to college. Even with still having minors in the house you can get housing assistance, medical coverage for them and you, food stamps, and on and on.
Is it the fear of being alone another reason you stay?
Please read the stickies at the top. You have lived in his chaos way to long sweetie. Please keep coming back... we'll help you through this. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.
I do appreciate all of the great feedback
It's very much appreciated Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Watsonville, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by bluejay6
Angela,
You are certainly in a tough situation.
First let me say how happy I am that your little girl survived all those years ago....you must have had incredible strength to get through that all alone.
So, you live with a crank addict who controls the mood of the house, does not bring in any money, uses then crashes in a recurring cycle, and seems uninterested in quitting the drug.
You also live with two teenagers and a college student. Therefore, there are four able-bodied people in the home and one big baby.
You are not trapped. You do not have to live this way.
More people on this site will have more to tell you about services available to you....but what comes to mind for me is calling the domestic abuse shelter and asking for a counselor to help you see your way through this (active crank addicts qualify as abusers, no matter whether they hit you).
Another free service would be a weekly Nar-Anon meeting to learn more about ways you might actually be--unknowingly--enabling his behavior and his drug use.
The three young people in your house can be expected to contribute some money toward household expenses via part-time work. The addict can go to Salvation Army for shelter and free drug rehab.
And step by step, you can escape this quicksand you have found yourself in. You managed just fine without him, some years back. You can do the same again.
He is an adult. He can be a MAN and he can solve his problems HIMSELF.
Again, glad you are here. Hope you post whenever you need to. More people will be along tomorrow.
Bluejay
You are certainly in a tough situation.
First let me say how happy I am that your little girl survived all those years ago....you must have had incredible strength to get through that all alone.
So, you live with a crank addict who controls the mood of the house, does not bring in any money, uses then crashes in a recurring cycle, and seems uninterested in quitting the drug.
You also live with two teenagers and a college student. Therefore, there are four able-bodied people in the home and one big baby.
You are not trapped. You do not have to live this way.
More people on this site will have more to tell you about services available to you....but what comes to mind for me is calling the domestic abuse shelter and asking for a counselor to help you see your way through this (active crank addicts qualify as abusers, no matter whether they hit you).
Another free service would be a weekly Nar-Anon meeting to learn more about ways you might actually be--unknowingly--enabling his behavior and his drug use.
The three young people in your house can be expected to contribute some money toward household expenses via part-time work. The addict can go to Salvation Army for shelter and free drug rehab.
And step by step, you can escape this quicksand you have found yourself in. You managed just fine without him, some years back. You can do the same again.
He is an adult. He can be a MAN and he can solve his problems HIMSELF.
Again, glad you are here. Hope you post whenever you need to. More people will be along tomorrow.
Bluejay
I have my 16 yr old daughter (high school) and 19 yr old nephew (college) in the home.
My daughter has actually applied for a few jobs and the mother (my husband's sister) of my nephew doesn't want him working... Because the 19 yr old is totally babied... They do pay only $400 for him, which only pays for his food and utilities- this money does not come close to paying room rent in Santa Cruz County, CA. That is really a whole other issue though
Uggg.Yes, quicksand is the feeling... Quite a while ago I did sign of for I believe Nar-Anon digests, but don't really read them as they weren't too helpful and I couldn't really relate. So, I am now here and feel this is a good site for me.
Thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Enabling is doing for the addict what they should be doing for themselves....
Enabling is giving them a nice bed, food, heat/air, transportation, etc. when they don't have to contribute anything... all they have to do is use/sleep. Why would they have
a desire to change when all their needs are being met?
I enabled for years without knowing it. I would hand him gas money when he had spent
all his money on drugs... after all he had to work. Eventually, I no longer handed money when I wised up... i would then follow him to the gas station and pay for the gas. (Still enabling!!) Finally wised up and would not pay for gas at all. (Stopped enabling.)
This is just one example... addiction is progressive, so I hope you'll protect your finances, get it where his name is not on your checks, etc. If he's taking a little $
now, he'll take a little more over time, eventually take it all. Your husband, per say,
wouldn't do this, but when the addict takes over, he will.
My STBexAH's doc was meth also. Your post brought back the slamming of the cabinet
doors I'd forgotten about. I don't miss that at all. My AH was happy while high on meth, but coming down, the temper tantrums, etc. really take a toll on the family.
Then, the sleeping through everything important in life... family stuff, kids ballgames, etc. is so frustrating. Sad way to live. I hope you'll put the focus on you and your
happiness now, no matter what your H is doing.
Keep reading and posting!
Enabling is giving them a nice bed, food, heat/air, transportation, etc. when they don't have to contribute anything... all they have to do is use/sleep. Why would they have
a desire to change when all their needs are being met?
I enabled for years without knowing it. I would hand him gas money when he had spent
all his money on drugs... after all he had to work. Eventually, I no longer handed money when I wised up... i would then follow him to the gas station and pay for the gas. (Still enabling!!) Finally wised up and would not pay for gas at all. (Stopped enabling.)
This is just one example... addiction is progressive, so I hope you'll protect your finances, get it where his name is not on your checks, etc. If he's taking a little $
now, he'll take a little more over time, eventually take it all. Your husband, per say,
wouldn't do this, but when the addict takes over, he will.
My STBexAH's doc was meth also. Your post brought back the slamming of the cabinet
doors I'd forgotten about. I don't miss that at all. My AH was happy while high on meth, but coming down, the temper tantrums, etc. really take a toll on the family.
Then, the sleeping through everything important in life... family stuff, kids ballgames, etc. is so frustrating. Sad way to live. I hope you'll put the focus on you and your
happiness now, no matter what your H is doing.
Keep reading and posting!
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