confusedfiance

..you have been warned.

Drugs deleted. People that do drugs deleted .. What deleted God would create something or allow something to have been created that deleted up people's lives so much? That's why I don't believe in a higher power. No higher power would allow something so damaging to exist on this, something that destroys everyone in its wake.

Why deleted does deleted exist? What the deleted is wrong with addicts? How come they are too stupid and selfish to admit their problems until they have gotten so bad that they have destrpyed everyone else's lives? I HATE ADDICTS.

Part of me wishes that my addict would have died when he killed himself. Why should he deserve to live? What did he do to deserve being in this world? For two years, he lied to me and he made me feel bad when I was upset when he couldn't find employment. He proposed to me when he knew he wasn't healthy. He brought drugs in my home. He put me at risk for contracting a disease because he used needles. How come he deserves a second chance?

I don't have a second chance. I'm a disaster. Yes, I'm reading about addiction. Yes, I'm going to Nar-Anon. Yes, I'm reading about co-dependency. Yes, I'm going to therapy. Yes, I'm keeping busy with my two final graduate classes and my job. I don't want to be doing any of this. I want a normal deleted life. I don't want to learn about addiction deleted . addition deleted all the stupid addicts that ruined people's lives. You deleted so much at life it's not even possible.

Addicts on the other threads complain about not being trusted by their family/friends. You don't deserve to be trusted. You've done nothing but suck innocent people's lives from them. You put them in an early grave. You deserve nothing.

It's been almost two months since my fiance attempted suicide and entered into treatment and and apoligized and made changes and my life isn't getting any better. WHY ME?
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Edited since the language is inappropriate and violates forum rules with or without a warning in the subject line.

truthhurts

Why is he still your fiance?

URMYEVERYTHING

Confusedfiance,
I'm sorry this is so painful for you but we have all experienced the same feelings and thoughts you have. There is often times we wish harm or they get repayed for the damage they have done but what will that do but keep us stuck in the same emotional rut. I have said on other posts that my anger, pain, resentment, etc. is my drug that keeps me from healing and learning that my RBF's issues are not mine. Yes, he has hurt me, stolen from me, on and on but I can't be surprised by his actions while in active addiction. So, I protect myself. I detach. I don't have him to my house anymore. I don't offer for him to live with me. The more and more you focus on the why's, the more and more you will become depressed and down on yourself.

What you said is profound and in no way wrong. It's straight from the heart. I know that your post was speaking directly to the addict in your life.

Take care of yourself in some way. ok?

confusedfiance

i love him and he is changing. he's been clean since july 21 and he's voluntarily gone into two inpatient rehabs. i go back and forth with wanting to be with him and not. i don't feel that i can make a decision about that just yet.

truthhurts

Fair enough.

I hope that you take care of yourself while you decide when and if you are going to get off the merry-go-round. It's a difficult choice, I've been there but I want to say that life is SO GOOD...simple and uncomplicated (not always easy though!) when you decide you've had enough.

I wish you serenity.

Chino

Why not you?

I understand the anger and hopefully it's only temporary; propelling you forward to a healthier and happier place. Like my therapist was happy to point out, the person I was really angry with was myself because I allowed all of it.

If you haven't figured this out yet -- we are just as sick as our addicts. They use a drug while we use them.

URMYEVERYTHING

And you don't have to make a decision RIGHT at this moment. Give it some time. When he needs to make amends, he will if he's serious about his recovery and repairing the damage and pain he has caused you.

But for the meantime, focus on yourself. I know it's hard but you have to. It's the only way you will be able to repair.

I love my RBF as well but I realize that his recovery will take some time (6mos. to a year and well beyond that. There are things we as a couple will have to work on in family therapy while he's in rehab and he's completely open to it. But my RBF has had 5 years clean before his relapses and is 37 yrs. old. This isn't his first time around the block.

As it is said in meetings, "One day at a time" will only do for now. Keep going to your meetings, posting here and taking the time out for yourself. You will eventually resolve and the answers will become clearer to you. :praying

BBD

Hi confused, Your angry and just in a spot where you don't want to be right now. Try focusing on yourself instead of him. It may not change him but you need some serenity in your life to be able to decide what your next step will be. I know the hurt is unbearable at times so just keep reaching out to others that can help......Smiles, Bonnie

kj3880

I feel like, as a codie/recovering addict, there is hope for addicts if they want it. I have been clean for almost a year and a half. Although I made some bad decisions while caught up in my disease, I've been able to rebuild my life pretty well.

This year, I'm helping put one child through college, helping my other child (who has a disability) through a tough time at high school, working as a public servant for local government, paying a mortgage, helping my bf get through a tough time in this economy, trying to help other addicts in recovery, trying to be a blessing to my parents in their old age, volunteering at local rehab center, caring for my dog, and paying all my taxes. With God's help, I will try to make this world a little bit better by my life.

I hope you find a way to recover from codependency. Life can be good on the other side. If someone in your life is in active addiction, I'd suggest you get some distance there. We can recover. Addicts and codies.

Love,
KJ

confusedfiance

I think I am focusing on myself. As I said, I am continuing with my last two grad classes, goin to Nar-Anon once a week, going to the psychologist. My fiance is at an inpatient rehab and hour away and I do not have the time, nor the money to visit (they charge $75 so you can be analyzed so they can see if you are worthy of visiting the addict, and then they charge you $30 to visit because they include a therapy session).

I don't understand how I can ever not be angry.

How come he deserves my forgiveness? Why does any addict deserve forgiveness? I just don't know.... I don't know.

I hate this...

truthhurts

I've heard people say that forgiveness is really a gift that we give to ourselves...resentment and anger only wind up hurting US the most in the end. That is why it is so important to forgive and let go.

Forgiving doesn't mean that you are willing to set yourself up to be hurt again in the future, however. It doesn't mean forgetting. It just means that you are willing to let go of the anger. Anger is toxic to ourselves.

URMYEVERYTHING

Forgiveness doesn't have to be about him. It can be about you. I have told my RBF, "I forgive you but I will not forget." "I will not let your behaviors against me affect how I grow and heal." I am forgiving to heal myself.

confusedfiance

I don't see how forgiving him will heal me.

I don't want him to think that he got away with this and it isn't affecting me. It's affecting me more than anything else has in my entire life and he needs to know it.

ADDICTS need to see how much their stupid disease hurts innocent people.

He says he understands and he knows how wrong it is, but I don't think any addict can really understand unless they've also had an addict destroy their life.

Nothing can make this better.

URMYEVERYTHING

The disease is one that is selfish and all about the addict. That is the way it is. It has been that way for the longest.

As far as him knowing how you feel... is he receptive to hearing how you feel? If not, he will not hear it nor will you benefit from the rant engaging with him.

He knows his consequences... he knows what he has done wrong... he knows he has hurt you...the reality of it is he doesn't care while in active addiction. His main purpose was to get high, not to protect or even consider your feelings. I'm not saying these things to further hurt you but be upfront with you about addiction.

Trust me when I say this... the addict will suffer far greater than you. The main reason addicts keep relapsing is because of the guilt and shame associated with their addiction. Don't think that he is not suffering also. Your letter to him or telling him about your feelings can go two ways.... 1.) You tell him and he still doesn't care or 2.) He's willing to accept what you have to say and make amends as he recovers which will take time on both you and his part to repair.

truthhurts

I hear and understand the anger in your post, confusedfiance.

Forgiveness will allow you to let go of this anger (eventually) and it will also help you because once you forgive him, his actions and his disease will not have so much power over you.

Keep working on yourself and you will get there someday.

Seren

So sorry that you have been so hurt, you have every right to be angry. You are not required to give this man the time of day ever again. The choice is entirely up to you. You are allowed to give yourself a reprieve from constantly thinking and worrying about it. Maybe just concentrate on your own life and future. Sounds like you have plenty going on without feeling guilty if you don't spend the money or time to go and visit him.

I hope things get better for you very soon. Hugs, HG

truthhurts

Addicts are addicts forever. That is how it works. Addiction is a terminal and progressive disease, incurable but able to be managed if the addict is willing to work at it for the rest of his/her life.

They are either active addicts, or they are addicts in recovery. Your fiance will be an addict in some capacity until the day he dies.

confusedfiance

I know I can break up with him. I just don't know if that's what I want to do.

I also don't want it to harm him, like make him relapse.

He was very good to me. He was not doing anything the first year we were together. (I never even knew he had a problem in the past)

I'm so scared. We've been in love for almost three years and living together for over two and a half years.

I don't know if he deserves a second chance. I just don't want to be going through this at all. I feel so ashamed.

confusedfiance

ok, he's in recovery then.

URMYEVERYTHING

This is not in defense of cynical, however, you came to a public forum to get support, I suppose? If she offended you in anyway, maybe sending her a private message may be more appropriate.

Keep working on yourself. Step back from him for a moment. No letters, no phone calls. Take a deep breath and reflect without any distractions.