Don't know what to do about this
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Don't know what to do about this
My H has a problem with road rage. We have discussed it in counseling and it does seem like he does it less...but he still does it. When he does it, I repeat to myself over and over "I did not cause this, I cannot change it."
However, this weekend we were on a trip and he shouted very LOUDLY at the car in front of us. It literally hurt my ear and startled me. I told him that it hurt my ear and startled me. I said no more. My ear rang for an hour afterward.
I don't know where/how to draw the line with this, or if I am making too big a deal about it. I am starting to feel this is abusive, and I told him this yesterday. Bad idea, he became angry and said that I shouldn't throw loaded words like "abusive" around. And that he's not an abuser. Then I felt bad and guilty.
Part of me feels like I'm picking on/over analyzing every single thing he does, looking for fault. (Our old marriage counselor told me that I do this) And I know I am certainly not the best wife either. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
However, this weekend we were on a trip and he shouted very LOUDLY at the car in front of us. It literally hurt my ear and startled me. I told him that it hurt my ear and startled me. I said no more. My ear rang for an hour afterward.
I don't know where/how to draw the line with this, or if I am making too big a deal about it. I am starting to feel this is abusive, and I told him this yesterday. Bad idea, he became angry and said that I shouldn't throw loaded words like "abusive" around. And that he's not an abuser. Then I felt bad and guilty.
Part of me feels like I'm picking on/over analyzing every single thing he does, looking for fault. (Our old marriage counselor told me that I do this) And I know I am certainly not the best wife either. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Marigolds, yelling *is* abusive, no matter how your H might try to deny it. Its one of the main reasons my H no longer lives in my home. Studies have shown that children who are exposed to yelling frequently have different brain development - their lower cortex (around the hypothalmus) overdevelops.
Can you set a boundary with your husband? You will not drive in the car with him so that you don't have to be subjected to his rage? You can't stop him from yelling but you can avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to listen to it.
Can you set a boundary with your husband? You will not drive in the car with him so that you don't have to be subjected to his rage? You can't stop him from yelling but you can avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to listen to it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Why would you believe the words of an abuser have any truth on them? I guess its easier to tell you not to say "that word" than to accept he is an abusive man with rage issues, period. As if not stating a fact out loud somehow erased the fact.
Your gut feeling always tells the truth, its like your inner divine guidance...
Ok, so he knows its a problem, he knows it affects you and he will still do it.
I would ask a friend for a ride, take a cab, or just not go with him wherever he needs to go... and find something nice to do for myself.
Hugs!
Your gut feeling always tells the truth, its like your inner divine guidance...
Ok, so he knows its a problem, he knows it affects you and he will still do it.
I would ask a friend for a ride, take a cab, or just not go with him wherever he needs to go... and find something nice to do for myself.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I am starting to feel this is abusive, and I told him this yesterday. Bad idea, he became angry
So someone tells me that my rage issues are making them feel abused by me and my answer is to become enraged and yell at them. A healthy individual does not do this. Someone who is trying to deal with issues in their marriage does not do this.
You feel bad and guilty because that is what he wanted you to feel like. It keeps the fault on you and away from where it belongs.
If you are fearful of his rage than it is abusive whether he intends to harm you with his outbursts or not.
You are questioning your ability to interpret the reality of what is happening to you because the first thing we do in a crisis is deny the crisis is occurring or minimize it in our minds to something manageable. It is a natural coping mechanism. If it's not really happening, we won't really be afraid or emotionally upset by it.
Please put the psychoanalysis of either of you aside for a moment and consider your well being. It is not healthy for him to do this and for you to feel bad because you want it to stop. And it must stop!
Take care,
Alice
So someone tells me that my rage issues are making them feel abused by me and my answer is to become enraged and yell at them. A healthy individual does not do this. Someone who is trying to deal with issues in their marriage does not do this.
You feel bad and guilty because that is what he wanted you to feel like. It keeps the fault on you and away from where it belongs.
If you are fearful of his rage than it is abusive whether he intends to harm you with his outbursts or not.
You are questioning your ability to interpret the reality of what is happening to you because the first thing we do in a crisis is deny the crisis is occurring or minimize it in our minds to something manageable. It is a natural coping mechanism. If it's not really happening, we won't really be afraid or emotionally upset by it.
Please put the psychoanalysis of either of you aside for a moment and consider your well being. It is not healthy for him to do this and for you to feel bad because you want it to stop. And it must stop!
Take care,
Alice
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Thank you for the responses. For the first 20-some years of our relationship, I've stupidly believed everything he says. A few years ago I started waking up, realizing something wasn't right, but I didn't know what it was.
I don't know how to stand up for myself. He's not physically abusive, but he is a master at verbal manipulation. I doubt myself all the time, and the last marriage counselor we had just reinforced it. I'd tell her about the road rage, she'd ask him, "Did you do that?" He'd reply "Yes, but I'm working on it" or something like that and then she would let it go, like pretty much every concern about him I'd bring up. And tell me that I need to look for the positive. I think she had very little experience with alcoholism let alone marriage counseling.
Tomorrow we are starting again with a new marriage counselor. I am nervous - H is very charming, makes me look like a crazy person.
Anvil, yes I am very tired of walking on eggshells. He tells me that he feels like he's always walking on eggshells too. I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know how to stand up for myself. He's not physically abusive, but he is a master at verbal manipulation. I doubt myself all the time, and the last marriage counselor we had just reinforced it. I'd tell her about the road rage, she'd ask him, "Did you do that?" He'd reply "Yes, but I'm working on it" or something like that and then she would let it go, like pretty much every concern about him I'd bring up. And tell me that I need to look for the positive. I think she had very little experience with alcoholism let alone marriage counseling.
Tomorrow we are starting again with a new marriage counselor. I am nervous - H is very charming, makes me look like a crazy person.
Anvil, yes I am very tired of walking on eggshells. He tells me that he feels like he's always walking on eggshells too. I don't know what to do about it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Marigolds may I gently suggest a counselor just for yourself? someone who is devoted to you 100%?
Him not being physically abusive do not "make up" for verbal abuse, the scars of words run deep and take the same or more time to heal...
I do not think you "stupidly believed everything" you just thought he was just like you, SINCERE, and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need to be more careful... just today I was thinking the same, what an idiot I was for believing BS (I am wearing a pair of trousers that ex said looked really bad on me...) but I am trying to realize I just assumed he was like me, and I trusted him but now that I realize the kind of person he is I can take my trust elsewhere....
Hope you can find a personal counselor!! All the best
Him not being physically abusive do not "make up" for verbal abuse, the scars of words run deep and take the same or more time to heal...
I do not think you "stupidly believed everything" you just thought he was just like you, SINCERE, and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need to be more careful... just today I was thinking the same, what an idiot I was for believing BS (I am wearing a pair of trousers that ex said looked really bad on me...) but I am trying to realize I just assumed he was like me, and I trusted him but now that I realize the kind of person he is I can take my trust elsewhere....
Hope you can find a personal counselor!! All the best
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