Broken heart-addict left -no contact 14wks-need words of wisdom

Old 09-09-2009, 10:11 AM
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Broken heart-addict left -no contact 14wks-need words of wisdom

HELLO to all - i am newbie here
i have been reading and searching the web for answers...and i did get a referal saying this site was awsome- so i turn to you guys for help-
my story is very similar to many- will give you a bit of background-summarized

i met a man of my dreams 2 years ago-showered me with attention, dinners, sweet calls, flowers- i truely fell hard...

he itroducted me quickly to his family who were amazing- traditional loving family-

not a day would go by without calls of love and attention- messages filled my work cell and home machines- on how he was so growing to care about me...

i met his friends and aquantences who very mildly mention ' oh he loves to party' ' oh he parties hard' big deal i thought- a drink- or two loves people no biggie

well things started to get a bit strange into about month 4 or so- i would call him and he wouldnt answer- not answer for 6-7 hrs- and after many attempts i would call to find his phone shut right off- he would call back with very believable excuses- i believed

he could nt really hold a job- he would work here and there- nothing permanent....i thought fine its not easy to get a job- so i believed

i have no experience with drug addiction - a cig is the only thing i have tried and like my wine on weekends...

strange little things- he would sleep alot during the day- and i couldnt reach him in the evenings- he would tell me excuses i believed

into about month 7 or so- he literally wasnt reachable for 3 days- i didnt sleep eat or do much other than worry i was mortified! i thought he was dead- i didnt know what to do and i didnt want to alarm his parents but i called them- they seemed to be concerned yet not in the way i was! not panicking- they just told me they would call if they heard anything!

well after day 3 he called- very tired and wouldnt talk much- all i cared was that he was alive- i cried and said we would talk the next day! that never happend......................

things got better for a few weeks and then started more frequent -missings and no calls and no answers on his phone...... he continued to lie and though myy suspicions aroused- i still believed him- i paid for his bills that he was behind with, bought food and bailed his truck many times out of the pound- i cared for him- thats waht people do- i didnt know about enabling or what it meant

i finally flat out asked if he was abusing? he denied and said he use to- and not to worry-

more lies more missing more deceit but he continued to shower me with this alluring pull that kept me in-

i contineud to llove him and help him in anyway i could- ---

out of the blue he sprung on me that he was embarassed to say but wwas going to jail for 4 months and had many DUI -S - he faught the court and got it down to 4 months of only weekends- which helped him to somewwhat work still through the week- i was mortified! jail ws soemthing i wasnt familiar with either- he went and i cont'd to support him- i missed him and didnt see much of him with this new schedule- he would go in friday and be out monday and off to work and i sware i think this boundary type of living with jail and basically work-thats it- seemed to put him on a better path- he was not using- or i thought he wasnt

well the last weekend approached- of jail time i was so thrilled i thought this would have smartend him up and we could start a fresh new path together- that weekend was his last and the monday of final release he called me- we chatted- laughing and joking and planning to see one anther.. he seemed a bit off- a bit high i might say?- he said babe call u back in 5 and 14 wks later!!!!!!!!!!!!! here i am

you ask probably why didnt u call- well in my heart i just knew! this time was different
HE WAS THE ONE TO ALWAYS CALL- i would be livid and ignore and not take calls when he was out on a binge and would return so remmorselful yet he would pull me right back in with his sweet talking......... this time he hasnt called! HOW COULD HE DO THIS- he literally shut me off like a switch and threw me out like garbage! the man who promised and wanted a life! together literally poof! leavess me heartbroken not even a good bye not even a text!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

another thing to point out - no he isnt missing as in missing- he isnt in jail he isnt in the hospital! - i would have known this if that were the case... his one neighbor called me 6 weeks ago saying 'we miss u so much- hope to hear from you' they would be the ones to tell me he was in jail etc... they did that beofore when he got jumped!

i am in my thirtys i am not a young kid- but i was naiive and he hurt me like no one has.....

please anyone -solidify what iam thinking- HE LEFT ME FOR CRACK? is that the summary here... left me for someone who is lighting his pipe someone who isnt hounding him about getting help? uggggggg

sad
bluebella
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Old 09-09-2009, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by bluebella View Post









please anyone -solidify what iam thinking- HE LEFT ME FOR CRACK? is that the summary here... left me for someone who is lighting his pipe someone who isnt hounding him about getting help? uggggggg

sad
bluebella
hi bluebella, welcome. sorry you are hurting but glad you are here. we do understand your pain. i think his behavior is due to his addiction. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, educate yourself on addiction and co dependancy. until he decides to seek help for himself, his addiction and behavior will get worse and there is nothing you can do to change that. have you tried alanon or nar anon support groups for those who love an addict. we become just as sick sometimes in trying to cope with addiction and need help too.

try not to take what he does to personal, its not about you for him. his addiction seems to be in control right now. try to focus on taking good care of you. you cam get better even if he don't.

your situation sounds alot like my 23 yrs of being married to an addict. it took me 21yrs to realize that i deserve a better life. maybe its time to except that maybe he's not ready to quit. maybe its time for you to decide whether or not this is a life you are willing to live for the long haul. its a pain road to travel. in my opinion, it would probably be better for you if you decide to let him stay missing out of your life. i was almost insane before i figured this out. i'm praying for the both of you.
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Old 09-09-2009, 11:12 AM
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Hi Blubella and welcome to SR

You will find lots of helpful information on this site.

Please read around and read the stickies up top. This will help you realize what part you have played in this and how to prevent this from happening to you again.

As the others have said, sadly, yes, he left you to do his crack. Any drug to an active addict becomes top priority even above relationships, children , responsibilities, emotions, etc. I often struggled with understanding how these similiar things (lies, stealing from me, being around his and my child high, etc.) could be done to me by my RBF while he was in active addiction. I knew him and met him as a sober, responsible and productive man and enjoyed him for quite some time that way. I was baffled that he could ever do these things to me. During this experience and his relapses, I have learned to stop worrying and focusing on the "how could hes" and turn it into how can I NOT let this happen to me again and to not let this happen to my child again.

I would say this though, despite your pain and hurt for now, consider it a blessing that he has disappeared. This makes it so much easier to detach and work on your own recovery.

I hope that you will find peace in this situation. When we are hurting, it can be hard but it also can be done.
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Old 09-09-2009, 11:52 AM
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Welcome B,

When the (then-recovering) drug addict I loved disappeared (much the same way yours has), friends would say to me, "God is protecting you." "Maybe you just dodged a bullet."

But their well-meaning phrases did not help ease my pain and I was so in love with my man that at the time I WOULD HAVE taken the BULLET for him. And I had years of codependent recovery at the time. But the longing for his presence, the willingness to stick by him, and the disbelief that he could be an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT man in relapse all made me emotionally ill.

B, it has been three years now. 14 weeks went by for me, as they have for you, and another 14 and another 14 and another 14. I counted the days I waited. Eventually, I approached 1000 days.....Three years now and still no word from him. He just "disappeared."

I never tried to track him down or find him at his work or go by his house. I waited. I knew it was HE who had to get clean and come to me to clean things up between us. It was his responsibility and is so today. I will NOT contact that man.

After he had been "missing" a year from my life, I checked the website of his company to see if he was listed as an employee because I wanted to know if he was still alive. His name was there. And that was the only information I was willing to seek. Because I know what recovery looks like, I know what is expected of an addict working a 12 Step program, and therefore I KNOW not to seek him out in any way.

His abrupt flight away from me was traumatizing for me on many levels and triggered childhood wounds that needed healing. I have worked very hard--weekly--in therapy for three years, working through that and finding my core strength and my unshakable beliefs about who I am and what I need in my life.

I hope this experience will propel you, dear B, to find out about your own woundedness, your own naivete (I had been so naive all my life), and will in some way create some kind of good in your life, in spite of all the pain and heartache.

I hope he finds his way to recovery. For now, grief is with you. Just ride it out as best you can, and know that God is holding you and guiding your life.

Love,
Bluejay
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Old 09-09-2009, 12:50 PM
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hi everyone -so appreciate your comments- you taking the time to reply to me and try and help me is very touching.......


anvilhead- your straightforwardness is so what i need, and especially you being in the place once where my addict is really hits home and i take your advice so seriously....

bluejay- wow your story made me tear up- mirror image of the disappearing of mine! i thought truely thought ' i am the only one this could have ever happend too' and there we go- vanished poof gone! what you say is so exactly true- and i count the days as you did- today is actually 4 months!
can you believe i check my cell phone many times a day hoping he has called!? i think i am the one in need of councilling.... i loved him so much and we planned a future- how how how can he just dump me

i will be honest- i wish he would call- so i can just have one last word in! one last word not that it matters

crack is so hard to understand and what it does to a person
its so sad.... he truely deep down was a great guy-so kind but the addiction has destroyed him....

i never ever thought he would do this- to me as to just dump me- this certainly has something to do with the darn addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not a normal way of ending a 2 year relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know know where the strength is coming from but i have been so darn strong on the no contacting him! i have so much fact on the disease and have educated myself enough to KNOW HE WONT CHANGE-not yet anyways! he isnt readyyyyyyyy
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Old 09-09-2009, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebella View Post

i dont know know where the strength is coming from but i have been so darn strong on the no contacting him! i have so much fact on the disease and have educated myself enough to KNOW HE WONT CHANGE-not yet anyways! he isnt readyyyyyyyy
You love and respect yourself more than you do him. This is healthy.
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Old 09-09-2009, 02:03 PM
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the hardest thing to accept! is the fact he didnt say a word! how could he! how??? is he that f'd up? could he all of a sudden just not care! so the drug is capable of doing this? insane... so hard to understand.....all i wanted was an indication of some sort- saying' i cant be with you' thats all ! so unfair... he could erase 2 years LIKE IT MEANT NOTHING! !!!!!!!! DOESNT HE EVER HAVE A FLEETING MOMENT WHERE HE THINKS WELL SH.. I HAVENT CALLED HER I MISS HER??? UGGGGGGGGGG
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Old 09-09-2009, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebella View Post
the hardest thing to accept! is the fact he didnt say a word! how could he! how??? is he that f'd up? could he all of a sudden just not care! so the drug is capable of doing this? insane... so hard to understand.....all i wanted was an indication of some sort- saying' i cant be with you' thats all ! so unfair... he could erase 2 years LIKE IT MEANT NOTHING! !!!!!!!! DOESNT HE EVER HAVE A FLEETING MOMENT WHERE HE THINKS WELL SH.. I HAVENT CALLED HER I MISS HER??? UGGGGGGGGGG
i'm sure a lot of us had to ask these same questions at one time or another, i know i have. disappearing acts seems to go with the territory. even if you do finally hear from him, unless he seeks help, it probably won't be the last time he pulls one of these stunts. can you except a life like that? i'm sorry you are hurting, but i think he did you a favor. you are the prize and whether he knows it or not, he's missing out on a good thing. i'm praying for your peace and serenity.
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Old 09-09-2009, 03:52 PM
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andvilhead-/outtolunch
--i so get it, yes he is gone and that should tell me -alot but i guess what i want to know is- how an addict is thinking- and is it the addiction that was responsible ya know... it probably sounds rediculous what i am asking here but it truely feels like an emotional punch in the gutt- fact- being in relationship for over 2 years- planning and encorporating family and discussions of a future- to be blind sided as i have -is pretty shocking to say the least, anyone i tell is floored by this-you have to admit its not a 'normal' course of action of a human being- you fight you work stuff out or you fight and dont come to an agreement- and decide ok fine-this isnt working we go our seperate ways..... this is having the rug pulled right out under your feet -you dont know what has hit you! somtimes i have to do that shake your head motion to clue in and focus- 'was this a dream'

i am just trying to give myself some peace- and validate the issue that -drugs have ruined this guy and there is nothing i have done-this is what they do
is this a pattern?????????
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Old 09-09-2009, 04:21 PM
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i'm a recovering addict and if you only knew how strong the pull of addiction is, you'd still may not understand the mind of an addict. most of the time i was in active addiction, i didn't want to be around no one who could remind me of how destructive and unmanagable my life had become. its like while in the throes of addiction, the desire to use takes over every waking and sleeping thought. try not to take it too personal. he may still show up one day for a round 2, so maybe you try to focus more on you and how you can make your life better. i know it hurts, been there. my ah has walked out many times leaveing me feeling a lot like you do right now only to eventually try to lie away the hurt and confusion only to do start the cycle over again.

maybe you could try to just except the fact that he's an addict and his behavior is what it is, addictive behavior. i know its hard, confusing and sad but you can get through all of this. try to do whatever you have to to keep from thinking about him and his behavior, one minute/day at a time. it does get easier.
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Old 09-09-2009, 04:59 PM
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[QUOTE=bluebella;2359761]

--i so get it, yes he is gone and that should tell me -alot but i guess what i want to know is- how an addict is thinking- and is it the addiction that was responsible ya know... /QUOTE]

My daughter is the addict in my life.

I too was consumed with trying to understand. I finally came to the conclusion that the only way I could, was to become addicted, too. Well that's not going to happen.

And so, I accept what I cannot understand.

Her DOC will not be second fiddle. It's not personal.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:04 PM
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I say this with the utmost loving kindness...

It doesn't matter WHAT the addict is thinking. You will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever understand what goes on in their heads (unless you are an addict yourself) and as someone who has no experience with addiction, even the most thorough and heartfelt explanations or descriptions of what it's like to be an addict will baffle you. It's senseless to those of us who don't have a drinking/drug problem.

Take the focus off him and put it on you. What nice thing(s) have you done for yourself today? How are you working to meet your own needs?
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebella View Post

i am just trying to give myself some peace- and validate the issue that -drugs have ruined this guy and there is nothing i have done-this is what they do
is this a pattern?????????

"THEY" (addicts) don't all just up and disappear. They all have different characteristics. Some don't leave. Some hang around for as long as they can. Some leave for a brief moment and check in with loved ones every once in awhile. Each it's own. Like others have said, it will never be understood unless you are an addict yourself. Hell, most addicts don't even have the answers. This is why addiction is the most incurable and resistant disease to treat.

I am truly sorry you had to go through this experience. You can only get stronger from here.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:29 PM
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this site and all of you are truely amazing i cant thank you guys enough..for complete strangers to take the time and give heartfelt advice and share your experiences -thank you so so much please if you can i will be so appreciative of all the advice you guys out there can give me -----with gratitude bluebella
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Old 07-04-2012, 02:17 PM
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Checking In

Hi Bluebella,
I just read this post and wondered how you are doing now?
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Old 07-04-2012, 02:28 PM
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bluebella, I hope you are doing much much better.

I just want to add for the other readers:
... showered me with attention, dinners, sweet calls, flowers
These are things you can get from a loving and healthy person.
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Old 07-04-2012, 02:45 PM
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(((((Big Hug))))

The short answer is yes, he left you for drugs. When the drugs become more important then people that is just how it is. Those of us who are not addicts may never understand, truly I don't get it, so I just make myself accept reality by reading up on addict behavior, applying it to AH and reminding myself he is not unique to addiction. It's painful but when the pain wears off, you may be glad for the clean break. But be aware he may return one day looking for a soft place to land.
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Old 07-04-2012, 03:31 PM
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It IS really hard and MANY of us have gone through the same thing.
The curiousity just KILLS you,no?

(it is a withdrawal pain of an addiction---codependency)

In years past,when the person I cared about disappeared for about
3 months...I paid a visit to the 'boyfriends' house.What a mistake that was.
A scumhole beyond imagination----if you need a primer watch the popular
television show "hoarders".Trash,garbage and filth up to hip level,clothes
strewn everywhere....humans living like animals.

Yes,she was there---zonked out of her mind.The reason I regret going
was now the image is indelibly in my mind,and is how I am going to remember
her.

A middle class wife with a family & life,home and retirement----who
surrendered it all to become a live in 'dog' to a hard time ex-con in Charlestown.She
surrendered her
life to the devil of addiction,and there is nothing left of the person I once knew.

I am telling you this so that you do not repeat my mistake.Perhaps curiousity killed
the cat,perhaps not........but it certainly burned an image into the mind that cannot be
removed.

I don't know about crack,but the long term prognosis for heavy opiate abuse is
EXCEPTIONALLY POOR.

Triage is not cruelty.It is the marshalling resources for the survivors most likely to
benefit.Don't exhaust yourself trying to give CPR to a corpse.There are wonderful,inter-
esting,and profoundly life-affirming people all around you---spend your limited resources
on THEM.

......or go to the cemetary and start digging.You may even be the first one
to revive a person long dead through your exceptional heroics and your determination to
never throw in the towel (like I thought I would be)

Better yet,there are billions of fish in the sea.Stop fishing in the sewer and go to the
University,the workplace,the park,or wherever people are doing interesting,fun,and vibrant things.

Me? I'm staying on my side of the Charles (a river).No more curious internet trolling
of jail websites,etc.

She has made her decisions.And now I respectfully submit the time draws near
for you to make yours.

(Make it a good one!)
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Old 06-10-2015, 07:28 PM
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But their well-meaning phrases did not help ease my pain and I was so in love with my man that at the time I WOULD HAVE taken the BULLET for him. And I had years of codependent recovery at the time. But the longing for his presence, the willingness to stick by him, and the disbelief that he could be an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT man in relapse all made me emotionally ill.

Because I know what recovery looks like, I know what is expected of an addict working a 12 Step program, and therefore I KNOW not to seek him out in any way.



Thank you so much for this BlueJay! I relate completely and your words are refreshing. We do know what recovery looks like and what needs to happen.

I have also been in complete disbelief over how different my guy was in relapse, I still am, I am only on 28 days NC right now but I wanted that bullet too. Few people understand why I choose to hold space for his recovery but I do, I have a lot to learn myself.
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Old 06-10-2015, 08:30 PM
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I have dealt with the disappearing for no less than 200 times over a two year span. I just allowed him to come In and out of my life as he wishes. He disappeared for one and half year supposedly in recovery and then came into my life back to the beginning of the cycle. 4 years of ups and downs and eventually I exploded and had an emotional outburst and this last time I stopped hoping and waiting to hear from him again. He found his way back to a former girlfriend. The last disappear. And I chose the end. You are not alone. We all have experienced what you are feeling right now. Addiction is a cycle. It's difficult. Treat yourself well. Hugs
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