kotabear

Hello, I'm new here. Little back ground about my life and I! I married my husband in 2000 had been with him since 1998. We had a daughter in 2004 and then another in 2006. He drank when I meet him, and was not that big of a deal when I was younger, cause I was young, I thought it would be ok, and when he yelled about his past I thought I could help. After our first daughter I asked him to take it easy, he was drunk when we went to the hospital with both. He finally went and got help 3 weeks after our 2nd daughter, in and out of 30 day rehabs, and hospitals, nothing helped, he had gotten physical with me in between times, so I won't let him live with me. But I loved him, yet he didn't love himself, and thought only us living together would help him, and since I said no, he found "entertainment" as he calls it, aka women. I in oct 2008 divorced him. In Mar. 2009 he went to a recovery center, that adds work eithic, relgious eithic, family eithic, and is a 18 month program. He has hit 6 months and feels he is ready to enter society. What makes our situation hard is I and he still love each other, but I can't let go of the past mistakes he has done to me, I'm afarid they will repeat, and fear that if I keep this up, he will say to heck with you and go on with his life, even though I was there for him, when he needed it. I feel lost, and afarid of the unknown. I want the man I feel in love with and our family to be the way a family should be, but again I have so much fear of the futrure, and what if's. He says I need to let that all go, if we are to have something. Much of his attitude has changed, some hasn't ex: child support, he tells me if I go after him for that, he will run. But then in the next sentence tells me not to get mad when he buys things, or if things don't work out and he finds soemone else. any advice would be greatly apprieated, and I'm sure I'm leaving things out, but this is all I have time for.

Thank you and take care,
Kotabear

Still Waters

What is your gut telling you kotabear?

Learn2Live

Hi KotaBear,

I'm sorry this is happening in your life. I wish it could be different for you. Here are my thoughts, I hope they help in some small way:

This is good. This is your intuition sending you a BIG RED FLAG. You have learned valuable lessons with this person but your feelings and your desires are getting in your own way. Trust your intuition.

KotaBear, You have beautiful dreams for a normal family and that is great. But realize this, that you have not had this with him YET, after how many years? It may be that he can never give you this because he is unable. Many alcoholics are unable to have "normal" lives.

I promise you that there is another, much more healthy person than your ex-husband just waiting to meet you.

I know what it means to be afraid of the unknown. But did you know that our fears are our own worst enemies? I'm sorry you feel lost and I don't want you to feel that way. Have you tried going to Al-Anon? Do you have family or friends close by?

First of all, this man has NO business telling you what YOU need to do to have a successful relationship. Did you not give birth to a child? That is qualification enough in my eyes to be able to know what kind of relationship you need and what needs to be done, to care for and raise your child.

He is trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

Plus, What "something" is it he thinks you are to have together? Get back together? Honey, you thought A LOT about that divorce, didn't you? You made up your mind THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT. And it took a long time to work up the courage, didn't it? DON'T LET THIS PERSON go against this very healthy decision you made to get away from his sickness. You broke free from this mess, please don't jump right back into the cesspool.

So, he can continue to spend all his money on HIM, abandon and neglect his children (his responsibilities), you have no right to have any expectations of him, AND he gets to cheat on you too?!?! WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF ALL THIS?

This does not sound like the kind of relationship I want to be in. I don't think it's the kind of relationship you want to be in either. Just what you have posted are very clear indications that he is still the same person and thinks the same way, regardless of whether or not he has 6 months in a program.

I don't know how old he is or how long he's been actively abusing substances, but I would guess he was drunk longer than he's been sober. It takes a looooooong time for them to "change."

A man who beats you is NOT a man. STAY AWAY FROM HIM please.

Hang tough girl. You can do this.

Learn2Live

P.S. There's a saying, goes something like this:

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Kotabear!

Pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home. We recommend you read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. They contain some of the wisdom and experience shared here among members. Invaluable.

Have you attended Alanon meetings for yourself?
or have you found a counselor or therapist to share your concerns and fears with?

You said:

even though I was there for him, when he needed it.

You have been there for him and wish that he could be there for you, right? I've been there too! I realized I was becoming the martyr in the relationship. I was giving, giving and he was taking, taking and not appreciating all I did for him. I realized I was making myself crazy trying to control him and get the responses I needed from him. I realized I was codependent. I was caught up in his drama and addiction.

Melody Beattie wrote the bible for codependents. Have you read "Codependent No More"?

Please read and post as much as you need!

Barbara52

If he chooses to leave an 18 months program after completing 1/3 of it, well he has that right of course. His choice. Personally, I see it as him wanting to get away from whatever he may be dealing with there but that's because I have a tendency to be very suspicious of anything an A has to say, even after 6 months in a program.

Just remember that his choice to enter society doesn't have to mean you let him into your won personal "society" if that is not what you think is best for you and those little ones. If you don't feel comfortable with more involvement with him, then you don't ahve to engage. That is your choice. Remember to consider what is best for those children who depend on you to do what is best for them too.

He might. He might do so even if you let him back in too. THat is out of yor control.
Sounds like you want the fantasy, not the reality. We all fall into that mode of thinking to some degree or another. Try to deal in the "what is" rather than the "what if" or "what I wish." You can't control what he does or what choices he makes. You can learn to look at life as it is and make your decision based in reality instead of fantasy.
Is this the father your children deserve? A man who isn't even willing to be financially responsible for their well being?

Take time to learn about your own self, what makes you tick, what issues you have that are drawing you to this man, why you are willing to settle for so much less than you deserve. And consider what is best for those little ones. They are depending on you to look out for them.

Jadmack25

Hi KotaBear,
I am sorry you are in this very hard position caring for your 2 small girls and having to cope with the manipulation of a selfish, irresponsible and neglectful EX-husband. Forgive me for being less than kind in my words describing him, but I do think they fit him well.

His telling you that "YOU need to let go of the past so you can have something", is really saying "you must forget all the lies, cheating, abuse, and drunken behavior I put you through, and my neglect of you when you gave birth to my children. Forget that you believed that our life was so bad that you felt you had to divorce me. None of that matters to me and I want you to let it go."

He says he is ready to start again because he has completed PART of his rehab, is fine now and he wants you and his girls to be with him and TRUST him again.

This is the same man who threatens to run if he has to support his children, but wants you to accept that he can spend money on what he wants, and if he isn't happy with you, may find someone else.

Did he learn anything from losing you and his daughters through divorce?
Did he learn much from that 6 months he has spent in rehab?

He still speaks as though the world revolves around him and his wants, and really that is how addicts feel, their world does revolve around them and the next drink.
He may have changed a little, but there is no sign of remorse or amends for his past behavior to you, which I feel says he is still the same old him you divorced.

Your gut feeling of fear for a future with him, is real and please listen to what it says.
You have been there before, do you need a second dose of his medicine to cure you completely. Your girls deserved a loving, caring and reliable dad, something he wasn't before, and in view of his child support comment, won't be a second time around either.

You need peace, stability and happiness in your lives, and if you return to him, I fear you will be wondering, worrying and looking over your shoulder all the time. Your dream of having a real family is lovely, and you have that now. You and your girls are a real family.

Having him back sounds like letting the fox into the henhouse, a blueprint for disaster.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but reading your post made my skin crawl and I do so hope you also read other posts from thosewho have been in your situation, before making any big decision on all your lives.

God bless

kotabear

First of I want to say Thank You for all of your responses! I believe I have finally found a board, that I've been needing, after trying different divorce fourms. This place feels right, I feel like all here can really relate!

Still Waters- My gut feeling is, I'll be disappointed in time. To not get to attached cause in time, I'll get hurt again. But yet I always hope he will prove me wrong!

Learn 2 Live- I've been to Al-non meetings a handful of times, the group is very small in my community, and are elder, they are supportive yet I don't feel like we relate, as much as if I was with younger people. I do however find as much Al-non literature book and read them, I even subscribed to the "Fourum". I find is hard being a 29 year old single mother and getting someone to watch the girls for a even as well, it always seems like a big deal. My mother who is a alcoholis and my father who no longer drinks, since a was a year old live about 5 miles away. My father works during the day, and mom sits at home and self distructs herself. She can't watch any of the grandchildren cause she nver feels good enough to do so. I don't rely on my mother anymore, emtional or physically. My father try's to help when he can, between working, and try to please/ take care/ and comfort my mom. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister lived 5 miles from me in my grandmother's farm house, that is now the families, I lived with her for around a year before I got the house I bought when I was married back from my X since he went to rehab. We got into a lot of yelling matches, and she has hit me before in front of my children and her's as well, she is divorced and shares custody of her daughter with her X 50/50. My other sister lives about 45 min. away, we talk weekely and see each other at least once a month, we get along well, we both know our differences and respect them. I have many girlfriends and we try to go out once a month. I still am best friends with two really well, talk almost daily and have since we where six years old, which I shouldn't say daily because I kind of drifted off at times! I still talk to my X's step sister's, he is the only one from HIS mother and father. They are train wrecks emtionally as well, so I try not to get tangled up in the net of them, but we still talk. I have been dancing with my X for a long time on this situation, and I feel I don't want to talk to much anymore to friends and family, cause they are getting tired of it, and they tell me to JUST LET GO! I SO wish it was that easy, I've even thought if I didn't have the girls it would be so much easier, I wouldn't have to see him and feel those ways, and want him again. It's hard to see him sober, and be that person I thought I married!

I thought about divorce for three years! Finally snapped when I found text messages of him telling another woman that she was beauitful, and how he blew it off as "entertainment" since I wouldn't move back into our home.

I keep whating for him to prove me wrong! I also thought if he could only get sober for more then 30 days! I see it as I'm waiting to see what he's going to do. He tells me it's all up to me, about our relationship, and I have to laugh, cause I think it's up to him, is he going to work on this relationship and himself or is he going to not? He tells me that even thought it's up to me that he can't wait or me forever to make up my mind, that he does have to go out there and live life, and find happiness as well, with or without me. That makes me sad, to think of him being happy, in life, with another women, and I alone. I feel like if I don't say ok to him, that I will miss out on him, and him sober, but I fear as well he may not stay sober, or he may get mad, and yell! Even though he has said he has made his peace with the Lord and has let go of what has happen in his past and got closure on it, and has excepted what happen to him growing up. It's so hard, I love him and he says he loves me. If he just stopped loving me, or moved on I could. Yet he wants a family, he never really had that growing up.
He has told me he is truly regretful for what he has done to the girls and I in the past. But also that the past is the past and the now is what is impotant and he has to look forward and not dwell on the bad stuff anymore.

Relican- I've read everything I can gind from Al-non, I'm getting ready to re-read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Barbara- On the child support. He doesn't want to go threw the state. He says he gives me money when he has it, and takes care of his kids, and is a good dad. That if I ever need something he would help. Yet I think he first thinks about himself. Also thinks well the girls have thier mom and she's doing ok, financially, they will be ok. I budget VERY well, plan a year in advance for the house payment for example.

Jadmack- He says losing me and Exspecially the girls in the divorce was teh worst thing of all the terrible things in his life. Which are pretty bad, abusice father and step father, drunk mom who put herself in a diabetic coma when he was 17 and he had to live on the streets for a while, then later in life losing his leg while riding his bicycle and having it reattached are just the worst. He said after the girls and I left to live in at our family farm, that he hated living in "our" house, and wanted to die, he tried many times to.
In the six months of rehab he knows he need the Lord in his life. Theat he needs to be there to guide his daughters in life. To make up for the time he has lost with them, as well.

I also ask him how he feels about him and I and he always says "it'll be alright!" he used to say that alot. I remember those comfortable times with him that I miss and long for, but can't forget those "blackout eyes" of his at times as well! I can't seem to let him go, that I feel if I do he will be ok, happy, and do well in life, and love with someone else and I'll be alnoe and still in love with him.
T
hanks again for the support, needing it, still!

Take Care,
Kotabear

isogrrrl

Kotabear - I am new here too and you and I share alot in common.. I dont have children but the behaviour of your AH sounds very similar - especially the self involved - all about me part.. please understand he needs to complete the entire 18 month program "at the bare minimum" and I so FEEL what you are saying about wanting the original life back you had at the beginning. You need to ask yourself was it even real then?? I am not saying it wasn't but it is a question I ask myself as well.. plus can you return past all the pain and horror of the last few years? I am only asking because I am asking myself these exact questions.
Wishing you the best - please let me know - I feel your sense of hope, pain and frustration and fear..

Jadmack25

Seems to me that your AH has a severe case of "the do it my ways", which shows up as loads of blame chucking, palming off any responsibility for working on relationships and using threats to scare others into complying.

His threat is: "If you don't make him happy now, he will find a woman who will."

YOU say: "That makes me sad, to think of him being happy, in life, with another women, and I alone."

Trust me Kotabear, there is no way he will be happy with ANY WOMAN. Even if he had a harem full of beauties, he would still be the moaning, controlling, selfish and demanding brat he is right now.

He will keep trying to control others, until he learns Self Control.
He will continue moaning until he finds acceptance and gratitude.
He will stay selfish until he learns how to share: both the good and the bad.
He remain a demander until he learns how to ask and how to give.
His life will not change in any way until HE does.

So far he is just as self centred as when he drove you to desperation and divorce.

You dream of a united, happy family for you all, but unless everyone works towards that goal, it will remain nothing but a dream. He is busy blaming you for his misdeeds of the past, and putting the relationship work on to you alone, and doing no work himself.
He won't even complete a program needed for his own development and recovery, let alone do any work on the important task of keeping his family intact.

Going for the divorce was the result of you reaching desperation point for you.
Maybe telling him that you see no future with him, so go get another woman and a new life could end up with him desperate enough to really go for recovery and change.

If not, then you and your girls are much better off with out his tantrums and upsets in your lives.

Don't work his program for him, stay focussed on what is best for you and the girls and let him fix or demolish his own life.

God bless

Barbara52

I'm glad you plan and take care of your kids so well. You unfortunately are likely to be their only true parent and role model.

As for child support, too bad he doesn't want to go thru the state. He is under a legal and moral obligation to help support those children. The state will act to make sure he does. His thinking of himself first will continue to be a problem and is likely to result in you providng all support unless you have something from the courts making him fork over the money he is obligated to pay to financially support those kids. Think long term about finances too. As they get older more expenses come along.

As for his belief he is a good dad, nope, I don't buy it. Having had an alcoholic father (and mother), I know now the damage that I got from my father. Kids start learning from their dysfuncational parents at a very young age. I am 54 and finally dealing with it all.