sdksmadre

Day 23 - The longer I'm in a sober state, the more I begin to realize and the more I begin to understand.
Shall I say I have experienced an epiphany?

I never wanted to believe that my drinking caused a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend.
I manipulated the circumstance to make me look like the innocent bystander.
I always, for whatever reason was convienent for me at the time, tried to put the blame on my him.
I wanted everyone to believe that it wasn't my drinking that caused any of our problems,
When in fact, it was my drinking that was the real heart of the issue.

I read that addiction makes people insensitive to the feelings of those who care most for them, and they will stop at nothing to feed their addiction.
I realize - now - how insensitive I had become to his feelings and how I shoved him and his feelings to the side and let the alcohol take his place.
I constantly wonder why he put up with my addiction?
After all of the times of telling me I had too much to drink and then waiting patiently until I was ready to go home.
After all the times of coming to pick me up from a bar because I was too drunk to drive. carrying me into the house because I was too drunk,
Picking me up off the bathroom floor, keeping a cool washcloth close by, nursing me back to health the next day.
Not to mention all the nights of worry I caused him, ignoring his phone calls and texts, the hateful phone calls to him in the early hours of the morning, the money spent on alcohol, etc etc.

Why did he put up with all of that? Why was he still there and what made him want to stay?

As one can imagine, as my drinking took control, our relationship started to slowly disintegrate.
We were on and off for 5 years. We were always wanting to make the relationship work but I never put forth any effort and never admitted any guilt.

So, here I am - - 23 days in......reaching out and hoping for support that I so desperately need. And guess what, he hasn't left - he is still here.

jamdls

Congratulations on 23 days! You are very fortunate to have someone in your life that apparently loves you so much. You are worthy and it sounds like you are beginning to understand that, good for you!

Anna

I think he is there because he loves you and because he had hope. My husband put up with a lot of stuff too and I know there were times when he wanted to give up, but he didn't.

Sometimes hope is all we have.

I am so glad that you are seeing things clearly now.

Noro

I know exactly how you're feeling right now, although I'm only on Day 2 of sobriety right now. Still a little anxious, but my head feels so much clear and I'm realizing how much of a fool I was to go back to drinking. I can't imagine what could possibly make me make the same mistake again.

Addiction plays a total headtrip on us. We need to stick to the plan!

Congrats on the sobriety

bugsworth

I could have written that post myself. He stayed cause he knows you are still the woman he fell in love with. It's time for the tide to turn, sobriety is a gift you not only give yourself. Good job on 23 days!

NewBeginning010

Congrats on 23 days sdksmadre :day6

Jane47

Congrats on the 23 days, that is great!

Jade19

Congrats on 23 days!!!! I put my husband through a lot, we are both alkies, but I was the worse of the two, so I understand. He loves you....embrace it!!!

sdksmadre

I feel very lucky to have someone who kept his promise of never giving up.
He always told me that he would never be far away. And he has always been there for me - - I just couldn't see it. My vision was a little blurred, to say the least.
He always had hope and never stopped believing in our love...I am definitely going to embrace that! (someone give me a tissue, please)
I am starting to realize the depth of his love - and I'm thankful that it's not too late.

KenL

Love works in mysterious ways. Even Dr. Bob in the AA book comments on how some alcoholics are so lucky to have such loyal and true spouses. Bill W's wife put up with quite a bit too. It's good for you to come to that realization before it became too late.

ElegantlyWasted

"I never wanted to believe that my drinking caused a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend.
I manipulated the circumstance to make me look like the innocent bystander.
I always, for whatever reason was convienent for me at the time, tried to put the blame on my him.
I wanted everyone to believe that it wasn't my drinking that caused any of our problems,
When in fact, it was my drinking that was the real heart of the issue."

Welcome to the club. My own epiphanies are remarkably similar to yours!!! Congrats on day 23 and keep it together. In the past I would have lapses of relative sanity then relapse. Sounds like your significant other loves you. Do the right thing for yourself and everyone else you care about. Best of luck.

CarolD

Well done on your progress....

Emily2002

First thread I've read this morning. Made me smile (and I need that, lol!).

This might actually be a nice thread to come back to in times of weakness, not because you need to stay sober for him but rather -- because you seem so happy about seeing positive change and its inherent possibilities.

Awesome, sdksmadre!

Tazman53

Congrats on the 23 days, my wife stuck by me until she saw how my drinking was detroying our children, she was less then 30 days from moving to a new place with them to excape me when I went into detox....... I came real close to losing them, close enough to where I got sober for me, because I had no idea if they were going to stick around or not, what I knew was I had to stay sober or die.

She stuck with me for the 5 worst years of my drinking, but she refused to let me destroy our children.