Cath

Its been 8 days of NC with Aexbf. I'm in bed, about to go to sleep, i have to be up super early to intern tomorrow...and he calls. and leaves a message. Shouldn't have listened. He says "I love you...I am sorry for everything I have done to you...bye" thats it. Blah blah blah is what it should say since I think I have heard him say this a thousand times. Today was finally a good day. I felt so calm, relaxed, and HAPPY. I was fine, now I feel anxious and sad and angry all over again. I'm trying to just relax and go back to sleep but of course I am over analyzing this phone call now and he actually sounded sober which is strange. I told him the last time we talked that I am done with him until he decides to seriously seek help. He hasn't. He told his family that he has no desire to stop drinking right now...which means he probably won't be stopping ever or anytime soon. Sorry for rambling...just feeling really anxious and kinda pissed that on my one good day, he calls.

DesertEyes

Hey there Cath, and sorry you're up so late.

How about you turn _off_ the phone? It's what I do when I need to sleep and it works great for me. You can also do the "One day at a time" thing, also known as the "Scarlett reply" and worry about it tomorow. That one works good for me too, even though I don't look good in a southern hoop dress

Mike

TakingCharge999

Hi Cath.
You can turn off the phone.
You can delete the VMs without hearing them.
You can choose not to know, instead of knowing and hurting.
You are the one who says " I am done" and then you will be done and it will be automatic, going NO CONTACT ... NO CONTACT, sorry I don't want to hear it, and if you do not even talk to me... excellent, because you only bring pain and lies.
You deserve a good life and your peace is YOURS, always has been. But YOU have to defend it... daily! :ghug3
And he will say anything to bring you back.
So he can go on drinking.
Nothing has changed.

bookwyrm

Now there's an image for first thing in the morning - I can just see your avatar in Scarlett mode!


Hang in there Cath. You're making so much progress - you're awesome!

bluejay6

Sounds like he was in the alcoholic self-pity mode.

I agree with all the above....if you want him not to mess with your head, then change your number, or block his calls, whatever will maintain NC.

He knows why you're gone. He knows what might bring you back.

Unfortunately, he did not call to say, "Hi Cath, I'm in a 90-day rehab to deal with my addiction. Thanks for giving it to me straight. Bye."

You'd still be lying awake, emotional.

But at least you'd know things had finally started to change.

Take care,
Bluejay

Cath1029

Not much to add except to say that I'm right there with you. It's very hard not to be conditioned to listen to those messages. It's been like breathing for me, but sometimes we have to find a different and better way to breathe. I know I will heal a little more every day that I stay away, even if I don't want to.

Jadmack25

God give you peace, strength and purpose for your life now and ahead.

Learn2Live

This left the door open for him to call.

You know how if you keep feeding a stray dog, it will keep coming back to your house? (Not that people are dogs). My friend keeps telling me, "Don't feed the dog!"

Even if and when he seeks help, it will take a looooooooong time before he can function "normally" and even then there are no guarantees.
And the first step toward sobriety is just the FIRST step. Recovery is a process, not something you can attain. You stop, then lapse, then stop again, then full relapse. Sometimes people jump right back up from a relapse but then at other times people fall down and stay down a long time. Just more chaos for whomever is involved with them. And waiting for them to decide to try again.

They're only ONE beer away from it starting all over again. Drive down the road and count all the bars and liquor stores and wherever else you can buy alcohol. That is what he faces, everywhere he goes, the temptation and the easy access to alcohol. The odds are stacked against them. Do you even really want to get your heart involved again, even if he does get sober for a while? He's a very unhealthy person to be around.

Everybody on SR keeps telling me to change my number. I'm getting close to doing that because I'm in the same boat as you. I can't resist answering the phone when he calls. Then, after I talk to him, I become obsessed about why he's not calling again and what is he doing and checking my phone over and over to see if he called! Maybe start thinking about doing that too.

Cath

thank you. you are all so right.

Learn2Live--yes that is exactly what it is like. I really don't know if i would even want to be with him if he were to get sober and stay sober because he has so many issues he has to deal with and i highly doubt he will ever truly confront any of them. One being that his dad is an alcoholic and his best friend. He can't get away from him and his dad always drags him down and encourages the drinking and tells him he doesn't need help.That is something that will never change and really I don't know if I can deal with that.

It makes me mad that I have to change my phone number because of him. He also text me this morning another long note saying he is sorry for ruining everything with us and hates himself for it and blah blah. I didn't respond. At this point, I have nothing left to say to him. He hasn't even attempted to really change so what is the point in even talking to him?

I just felt like I was doing so well and this whole thing threw me off. I didn't think about it to much today as I was working in class with 18 5 year olds!

Again, thanks for all the suggestions...you are all right...

queenie88

Cath I know exactly how you feel. xabf and i broke up in june (after he kicked me out of his house after i had moved 3000 miles to be with him...) and we had NC for basically the whole summer because he was working in mexico.

now he's back, and we've talked several times - in fact he just called me yesterday (i didn't answer) and left me a voicemail to "see how i'm doing" and to let me know that his sister's wedding went well. i had planned to go with him to this wedding. it really hurts that i'm not a part of his life in that way any more. i felt like i had been doing better, in fact i had a great weekend with some old friends, but now i'm back to feeling lonely, mopey and depressed. this is what happens every time i talk to xabf...called him back and he didn't answer. of course. i guess he's just playing games.

Learn2Live....you're SO spot-on with this! it's like i get my fix but then almost IMMEDIATELY when i hang up the phone i want more...so much so that i'll even call him right back. i begin to wonder.....why isn't he calling me more? what is he doing? does us talking even mean anything to him? does he miss me? is he glad to be finally rid of me? is he dating someone else? does he still love me? i even sent him a text message asking if he was going to start ignoring me now. UGH. i can't stop myself, even though i know it's bad for me and i'll end up feeling hurt, i can't stop. i felt like i had a relatively clear head this weekend. now i feel like i'm back to square one.

TakingCharge999

Second anvilhead
In this one and all the other threads, LOL

Cath I recall when I was forced to see the things I have done myself and forced to look inward... I went crazy, I just wanted another person to rescue me...

It will get better, one small step at a time! The promised gifts on this journey are priceless.