Aysha

Ok warning..This is a big rant!! I am so heated right now I cant even stand myself.

Some of you know how I get when the grams drinks. It really gets me upset.
Well not only that..I come home from work and my cats always coming running out of wherever they are. I didnt see Bobble. So I start calling her and shaking the food bag. Thats always the sure fire way to get them both to come running.
No Bobble!! So I check under all the beds and all the screens. Cause she has pushed through the one screen in the living room a couple times before. They are all in tact.
So my aunt and everyone went to Saratoga for the last day of horse racing. I call my uncles phone to ask my gram if she knows where Bobble is. She gets all short and like she could care less that I cant find my cat.
I hear my aunt in the background say somehting about check the chest freezer. At the end of the month we always empty that freezer and clean it out. I keep telling my gram not to leave the lid open. I caught Bobble jumping out of it the other night. Plus if one of the kids decides to climb in it and the lid shuts on them. Who knows what could happen. So grm hangs up on me while I am buggin wondering where Bobble is. After that I opened the freezer and there was my poor little Bobble all smoshed in the little basket that sit on the top. It was hot as hell in there and who knows how long she was in there. I was at work all day anfd they all left this morning too. I founf her around 4 :30 pm.
Bobble is fine thank goodness. I called her back to tell her Bobble was in the freezer and thats why I keep telling her to shut the dam door.
She gets back and she tells me I dont have to call her where she's at and I am just running my mouth. Being a bitch. And of course she has been drinking. But I am wrong for constantly telling her to shut the door so one of the kids dont fall in and get stuck. Thats just me running my mouth.

I am busting my ass here. Every way I can. Saving as much money as I can because work is going to die down soon. I wont be getting food stamps after this month. I have alot to pay and catch up on. Plus school starts in a couple weeks . I am going to have to buy supplies and my gas is going to double going back and forth. But she keeps spending money neither of us has on horse races and just dumb ****. But god forbid I mention anything. "Dont tell me what to do with my money!!"
Now she want s me to spend prolly about $50 of my foodstamps tomorrow for one days worth of food for a BBQ. I need everyu bit I have to stock up. She has zero regard for anything that I say or do. I am so friggin sick of it.
Its always me running my mouth and being mean or bitching at her. Then she pulls the pity **** by saying I am always yelling at her and she cant do nothing right.
Its not like that. I am saying things for a reason and she dont care!
I am freakin tired of it!!
Nothing I say matters. And I am killing myself trying to get ahead and stay at least caught up and she is digging us deeper!
I had to pay a speeding ticket friday and I had $10 left from my check. I asked her to hold some of her babysitting money because I needed gas for the week. What happened when Iasked for it? She bet it on the horses! WTF!!!
I am about to snap.
Sry for complaining. And if you made it this far. Thank you.
I really needed to get that out.
I just dont knbow what to do anymore. I feel stuck.

thirtybubba

Hi Aysha,

Rant on... get it out.


:ghug2


ps. I said it before, but I'll say it again: best of luck with school! you go!

Aysha

And not only that..When I do say anything. I always get my past thrown in my face. That really hurts. When I say antything about her spending money we dont have. Well now you know how I felt when you were smoking crack and taking all my money.
That is just wrong. That was then and this is now. I am doing my best with what I have. And I dont need her throwing old **** in my face. And thats not an excuse for her to waste money.
I might as well just talk to the wall.
I hate feeling helpless and stuck like this. I dont like telling her chill out all the time. But WTF?
I wish I did have the means to give her whatever she wanted. And if we had it like that. I wouldnt care. But we are just getting by. And work is getting slow. Times are going to get real tight soon.
But the complete disregard for my feelings and opinion is what gets me real mad. Its like I dont matter.

Horselover

Well that sucks. That day totally qualifies for a huge rant. I am really relieved that you found your cat and she is alive. I would say, and you already know it, that talking to your gram at a time when she is drinking is only hurting you. She can't be coherent and wouldn't remember what you've said or what she has said. I think I told you I often had arguments with my husband and could not remember for the life of me what they were about the next day.

I also think you need to do anything you can to get some rest and also to work off this steam. You have good reason for being mad, angry, and frustrated, but its hurting you. Can you go for a walk? Do you have a treadmill? Can you punch a pillow? Just get rid of it Trish. Then take a nice hot bath or cool one if you need to and listen to some music that speaks to your soul.

There's my two cents. Oh and here's something too -

littlefish

Is she an alcoholic? Does she drink and gamble a lot? If so, then co-dependency and enabling will affect the dynamics of your relationship.
You might be codependent and it's really important to understand how it works and how it affects you.
I never even knew what being codependent was a few months ago. But now I know aaaaaallllll about it!
Be careful not to get sucked into the drama.
You can check the codependent forum here for lots of good advice.

Dee74

I'm sorry Trish.

Greeteachday has a great hoola hoop analogy (imparted to me by Amy )....

imagine yourself inside a hoola hoop - the stuff inside the ring is stuff you should act on...work out what part of this is yours to 'own' - everything outside the hoop is the stuff that you just can't do much about....

I know that's hard to do - especially with someone you're living with - and especially with someone with alcohol issues...but keep to yr boundaries.

And take care of you - don't let the anger simmer...do what you can about things...then let it go, T.

You've made some amazing changes - I'm proud of you - don't let other peoples problems, even those of the people you love, bring you down, ok?

hugs
D

Aysha

Yes LF she is an alcoholic. She doesnt drink like she use to when Iw as growing up. She use to drink all the time everyday when I was growing up. Her and my gramps both. I freakin hated it. And she is a mean drunk. She def doesnt hold anything back when she drinks. Everyone owes her everything and everyone else can F off and all that. But when she isnt drinking she is your average sweet lil grandma.
She drinks once in a great while now. But she still acts the same for the most part.
She isnt drunk but she is buzzed.
I just get tired of bustin my ass and doing everything I can to improve and try and make her proud of me. I know she is. But she treats me like my opinion doesnt matter.
If Bobble would have suffocated because she wants to have a power trip with me. I would have lost it. I know they are cats. But I love my cats so much.
They are the only ones who I can always count on to make me feel better when I need it. Without question or judgement. They just want some food and some petting. And I get all the purrs and love in return.
I feel better. I took a shower. I played with my cats. I am just staying to myself for now.
I get enough of my past haunting me everywhere else in my life. I dont need that **** home too. Its like the more I try the more I get reminded of my wrongs.
I could be like then forget it. Why am I even trying. But I wont. I am doing this for me and no one else.
I dont care if anyone likes me or what I do or say. I know I am so much better than I was. I know what I am doing in my life and that I am chnaging and trying hard. I know and thats all that matters.
I could care less if anyone is proud of me. I am proud of me. And now its not for anyone or anything except for me. I want to be better. And everything I am doing is for me and my future.
My toughest battle is with myself. No one else. So the rest can shove it.
I am not only trying to change by not using. I have been working on the inside. My attitude and thinking and behaviors. Thats what I am focusing on the most this time. And it is making all the difference.
And the fact that I am doing it because I WANT TO and for me and me alone. Thats what is driving me.
I am done trying to please anyone else. Its time to look out for myself.
I think I deserve that much.

Dee74

D

Aysha

Goodness..Didnt sleep hardly at all. Kept waking up every 30 mins to hour all night. When I did sleep. Had those dang dreams. But the good thing was I got one look at what was going on and got out of there in my dream.
I am so tired this morning.
I have to work too.
Hopefully it will be an easy day seeing its a holiday.
Woke up to the same BS of telling me about my past again.
Told her not to spend more than she had to on that food for the BBQ. She's like why. I was like cause we're poor. We need everything we have. So she prceeded to tell me "I wish you were like that before."
I am really gettin tired of being told how I USE to be and why wasnt I like this before type a crap.
What a great way to start the day.