Hopeless?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Hopeless?
Hi.
I'm an alcoholic. There, I said it.
I don't think I was born with the ability to moderate cravings and impulses. I'm not sure if that's just an excuse for lack of self-discipline and maturity, or there's really some truth in this ADHD/cyclic mood disorder diagnosis that I take with a grain of salt; an entire shaker of salt.
I'm 21. I've been into drugs pretty heavily since I was 16, and started drinking heavily around 19. Started REALLY drinking when I turned 21. Drinking at work, drinking all day, stashing pints everywhere, heading empty bottles up in my bedroom. Eventually I saw a shrink because I was having these terrible panic attacks and would keep becoming convinced I had these degenerative/deadly diseases. The more I drank the more I would freak out when I was sober. The more I drank the more of a recluse I became. All the friends that I spent years getting doing coke and pills with and drinking with were all gone, and I think one of the only non-delusional conclusions I've come to while being a drunk is that I haven't had a single real friend who's cared about me in years.
So the shrink gave me pills and I stopped drinking. Put me on Lamictal (mood stabilizer). At first I didn't really notice much of a real benefit in my mood. I think if anything it was sobriety that offered me relief because at that time I hadn't been on a strong enough dosage for the medication to really take affect. So after a while of that he also put me on Adderall for ADHD. I think just the word ADDERALL mutated me back into this half-animal half-robot consumption machine and eventually, without realizing it honestly, I actively began manipulating my relationship with the shrink to get off the mood stabilizer (which honestly never helped), continue to be prescribed speed and abuse it while putting on an act worthy of an Oscar. And at some point in all of this, almost without noticing, I started drinking again, feeling certain that I'm not an alcoholic afterall (sound familiar anyone?).
None of this seemed like a big deal until I woke up this morning and realized that I hardly remember any of the past week, my bedroom is littered with empty beer cans and bottles, I had kicked a hole in the wall in the hallway at some point (just because?), and I've been having daily panic attacks where I'm convinced that I'm going to die and nobody believes me. All of these things are my fault, and I don't think this is one of those situations where I can blame a disease. But it's true that I gobble up these substances even when I don't even want to. Honestly I don't want to, deep down. I'll pop all this speed KNOWING I'm already anxious as it is and will have a panic attack, but it's like I'm hungry for pills. I'll wake up at 9 in the morning, steal money from a loved one's wallet, pick up an 18 rack and get hammered all day. It's like something inside of me has turned off, and I have absolutely no control. I've done things, awfully dangerous and stupid things, mean things, that I hate myself for.
If I'm not vigilant and very careful, in my head I'll go from deciding to clean up to suddenly figuring out ways to continue using or drinking without the inconvenience of being found out. I was thinking earlier, "OK, I've GOT to stop drinking." And out of no where I found myself thinking, "OK, if I stop drinking I'll be able to pop pills all I want without the panic attacks," and I was planning out how I'd deceive my shrink while getting Xanax or something to keep the edge away.
Am I hopeless? What the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not crazy (at least not yet). I'm not a bad person and I know deep down that this is all a big mistake. I want to want to try to stop, and I'm trying to try to want to stop. Can someone talk to me on here? Am I hopeless?
Sorry for the gloomy first post ...
I'm an alcoholic. There, I said it.
I don't think I was born with the ability to moderate cravings and impulses. I'm not sure if that's just an excuse for lack of self-discipline and maturity, or there's really some truth in this ADHD/cyclic mood disorder diagnosis that I take with a grain of salt; an entire shaker of salt.
I'm 21. I've been into drugs pretty heavily since I was 16, and started drinking heavily around 19. Started REALLY drinking when I turned 21. Drinking at work, drinking all day, stashing pints everywhere, heading empty bottles up in my bedroom. Eventually I saw a shrink because I was having these terrible panic attacks and would keep becoming convinced I had these degenerative/deadly diseases. The more I drank the more I would freak out when I was sober. The more I drank the more of a recluse I became. All the friends that I spent years getting doing coke and pills with and drinking with were all gone, and I think one of the only non-delusional conclusions I've come to while being a drunk is that I haven't had a single real friend who's cared about me in years.
So the shrink gave me pills and I stopped drinking. Put me on Lamictal (mood stabilizer). At first I didn't really notice much of a real benefit in my mood. I think if anything it was sobriety that offered me relief because at that time I hadn't been on a strong enough dosage for the medication to really take affect. So after a while of that he also put me on Adderall for ADHD. I think just the word ADDERALL mutated me back into this half-animal half-robot consumption machine and eventually, without realizing it honestly, I actively began manipulating my relationship with the shrink to get off the mood stabilizer (which honestly never helped), continue to be prescribed speed and abuse it while putting on an act worthy of an Oscar. And at some point in all of this, almost without noticing, I started drinking again, feeling certain that I'm not an alcoholic afterall (sound familiar anyone?).
None of this seemed like a big deal until I woke up this morning and realized that I hardly remember any of the past week, my bedroom is littered with empty beer cans and bottles, I had kicked a hole in the wall in the hallway at some point (just because?), and I've been having daily panic attacks where I'm convinced that I'm going to die and nobody believes me. All of these things are my fault, and I don't think this is one of those situations where I can blame a disease. But it's true that I gobble up these substances even when I don't even want to. Honestly I don't want to, deep down. I'll pop all this speed KNOWING I'm already anxious as it is and will have a panic attack, but it's like I'm hungry for pills. I'll wake up at 9 in the morning, steal money from a loved one's wallet, pick up an 18 rack and get hammered all day. It's like something inside of me has turned off, and I have absolutely no control. I've done things, awfully dangerous and stupid things, mean things, that I hate myself for.
If I'm not vigilant and very careful, in my head I'll go from deciding to clean up to suddenly figuring out ways to continue using or drinking without the inconvenience of being found out. I was thinking earlier, "OK, I've GOT to stop drinking." And out of no where I found myself thinking, "OK, if I stop drinking I'll be able to pop pills all I want without the panic attacks," and I was planning out how I'd deceive my shrink while getting Xanax or something to keep the edge away.
Am I hopeless? What the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not crazy (at least not yet). I'm not a bad person and I know deep down that this is all a big mistake. I want to want to try to stop, and I'm trying to try to want to stop. Can someone talk to me on here? Am I hopeless?
Sorry for the gloomy first post ...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Of course, you are not hopeless.
Addiction is not a character defect. It's a disease.
Denial is a huge part of the disease and I think most of us have been amazed how relentless addiction is.
Manipulation, deceit, lying - those are all part of addiction. It's what we do. But, you can begin to be honest with yourself, with you dr and start to recover.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Addiction is not a character defect. It's a disease.
Denial is a huge part of the disease and I think most of us have been amazed how relentless addiction is.
Manipulation, deceit, lying - those are all part of addiction. It's what we do. But, you can begin to be honest with yourself, with you dr and start to recover.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Dear Noro..
I believe you. I could be you...I was.
Alcoholic, pillhead. Hopeless.
Now, recovered...3 years, 3 months on the the 8th.
I was addicted to speed pills and and Xanax for a long, long time.
My way? Alcoholics Anonymous.
Narcotics Anonymous is great, too..same principles.
But...I have a mood disorder...that, didn't go away with sobriety. I take Lamictal.
Please have a gut level consultation with your doctor about all this.
You first step...admitting you have a problem..you've done that here.
Noro..you are not hopeless! Wipe that word out of your vocabulary now.
You are on your way to help and success...
Welcome to SR and a new way of living.
And God bless.
I believe you. I could be you...I was.
Alcoholic, pillhead. Hopeless.
Now, recovered...3 years, 3 months on the the 8th.
I was addicted to speed pills and and Xanax for a long, long time.
My way? Alcoholics Anonymous.
Narcotics Anonymous is great, too..same principles.
But...I have a mood disorder...that, didn't go away with sobriety. I take Lamictal.
Please have a gut level consultation with your doctor about all this.
You first step...admitting you have a problem..you've done that here.
Noro..you are not hopeless! Wipe that word out of your vocabulary now.
You are on your way to help and success...
Welcome to SR and a new way of living.
And God bless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cambridgeshire UK
Posts: 59
Hey Noro
firstly thanks for that post, its good to share and hopefully you will get a lot out of being here.
I thought exactly the same as you- I was hopeless and unable to see a way through this addiction that was destroying me, i was losing everything that meant anything to me in this world. I would quit the booze and get so far down the line and think Im not really an alcoholic, its been ages now, I can have a drink or 2. No I couldnt and I knew that but it still didnt stop me picking up that 1st drink, then a week or 2 along the way hardly remembering a thing i would have to snap out of it and go through the whole process of detox and withdrawl all over again, trying to piece my life back together again.
So what Im really saying is its going to be hard, real hard, but we can do this, if we stick together, come here, read and post, it really helps.
Take it easy.
firstly thanks for that post, its good to share and hopefully you will get a lot out of being here.
I thought exactly the same as you- I was hopeless and unable to see a way through this addiction that was destroying me, i was losing everything that meant anything to me in this world. I would quit the booze and get so far down the line and think Im not really an alcoholic, its been ages now, I can have a drink or 2. No I couldnt and I knew that but it still didnt stop me picking up that 1st drink, then a week or 2 along the way hardly remembering a thing i would have to snap out of it and go through the whole process of detox and withdrawl all over again, trying to piece my life back together again.
So what Im really saying is its going to be hard, real hard, but we can do this, if we stick together, come here, read and post, it really helps.
Take it easy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Noro,
Hang around here & keep sharing & reading, there are solutions for you but you have to work them if you want a better sober life.
I hope you stay here for a while & I look forward to reading about your recovery if you do.
Take Care,
NB
Hang around here & keep sharing & reading, there are solutions for you but you have to work them if you want a better sober life.
I hope you stay here for a while & I look forward to reading about your recovery if you do.
Take Care,
NB
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 129
Welcome to SR, Noro. You'll find a very friendly and caring community of like-minded people here, quite a few who have been exactly where you are right at this very second in time.
No. You're not helpless, You have made the first step in admitting that you are an alcoholic. So you recognise that you need help.
There is hope, help, care, understanding, everything here. Stay a while and see what I mean. As for the meds, there is also the Narcotics threads on the boards.
So you are safe as well as in a caring community.
Take care
No. You're not helpless, You have made the first step in admitting that you are an alcoholic. So you recognise that you need help.
There is hope, help, care, understanding, everything here. Stay a while and see what I mean. As for the meds, there is also the Narcotics threads on the boards.
So you are safe as well as in a caring community.
Take care
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
No, Noro, you're not hopeless. And, Welcome!
You're nowhere near alone on SR. Stay around some, read and post, there are plenty of people who have been in your situation or some part of it, myself included.
Take care, now.
You're nowhere near alone on SR. Stay around some, read and post, there are plenty of people who have been in your situation or some part of it, myself included.
Take care, now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Hey, thanks everyone for all the encouragement. It's been a pretty lousy time for me and it's good that other people can offer some empathy. I've really got no one to talk to about this because I've got everyone convinced that I'm clean and doing great, and with enough beer in me through the day I can play that off pretty well. But it can all get pretty dark and senseless without anyone at all to be straight-up with. Most people have their preconceived notions about substance abuse, of course, and most everyone around me has preconceived notions about me. And usually not the good kind. So I guess this is the right place to find some help. Maybe if I can for once be honest, here, about everything, then I won't fall into denial again..
I got a hold of some Ativan for the anxiety/panic attacks and so far I feel pretty leveled out. I really do want to get clean and treat my problems but I always seem to get in my own way. The Adderall is actually quite helpful at a therapeutic dose but its unpredictable at the doses that I wind up taking to fill that void, that "hunger". So I don't want to tell him about how I screwed up with it because then he won't prescribe it to me, and it's the only thing that's really helped me with the ADHD. If I could just get some extended release pills so that it's smooth and doesn't buzz me up, maybe I can handle it better. I'm gonna try to quit drinking again, and not fall back into that pathetic hole I keep wandering off to.
I don't think I'm gonna tell anyone about all this. I'm gonna try to clean up my own mess and just generally go solo on this. I've got 6 little Ativan pills for the withdrawals which will be just about over when I see my doctor again on the 10th. Yeah, Ativan isn't that strong but I think it can put the whole seizure/DT's possibility off the list.
If I fail again, then I guess it's off to rehab for me. Just when I'm about to start school again and got everyone under the impression I'm clean. I know I shouldn't just keep lying but I think it's better this way. Tired of disappointing everyone, tired of being a pain in the ass. I'd rather keep my problems my own without them affecting anyone else's life.
I got a hold of some Ativan for the anxiety/panic attacks and so far I feel pretty leveled out. I really do want to get clean and treat my problems but I always seem to get in my own way. The Adderall is actually quite helpful at a therapeutic dose but its unpredictable at the doses that I wind up taking to fill that void, that "hunger". So I don't want to tell him about how I screwed up with it because then he won't prescribe it to me, and it's the only thing that's really helped me with the ADHD. If I could just get some extended release pills so that it's smooth and doesn't buzz me up, maybe I can handle it better. I'm gonna try to quit drinking again, and not fall back into that pathetic hole I keep wandering off to.
I don't think I'm gonna tell anyone about all this. I'm gonna try to clean up my own mess and just generally go solo on this. I've got 6 little Ativan pills for the withdrawals which will be just about over when I see my doctor again on the 10th. Yeah, Ativan isn't that strong but I think it can put the whole seizure/DT's possibility off the list.
If I fail again, then I guess it's off to rehab for me. Just when I'm about to start school again and got everyone under the impression I'm clean. I know I shouldn't just keep lying but I think it's better this way. Tired of disappointing everyone, tired of being a pain in the ass. I'd rather keep my problems my own without them affecting anyone else's life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Noro, Just a couple of things:
1. You're not hopeless. You're a mess, but not a hopeless mess.
2. Seeing a doctor is a good idea. Playing doctor is a bad idea. Saying that you're not going to tell the doctor about how you screwed up with Adderal is real bad idea.
3. Thinking that six Ativan will safely get you through detox? That's a real bad stupid idea. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you.
4. Not telling anyone (including your doctor, I assume) about this so you can go it alone? Well, that's off the "bad idea" charts.
If you seriously want to get out of the mess your life is in right now, let me suggest you see your doctor about getting into detox. And when you see your doctor you have to be totally honest with him about eveything that's going on. Then save yourself a lot of time and heartache and look into rehab now. Don't wait until you (again) find that you can't kill this beast by yourself. And note that I said "until" rather than "if".
5. You said it best when you stated that you seem to get in your own way. Whatever makes you think that anything's going to change here? I suggest that your way isn't working now and won't work tomorrow. Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result every time. You need help and that involves other people. You can't do it alone. You'll get a lot of support here on SR, but you need much more than that right now. And I'm willing to bet that those you think are under the impression that you're clean really don't think that.
Please don't take all this as a personal assault on your plan to get sober. It's just some suggestions based on my and others experience about how to improve on that plan. You've already cleared a big hurdle in admitting that your life's a mess. I hope you seriously consider some ideas on how to change it.
1. You're not hopeless. You're a mess, but not a hopeless mess.
2. Seeing a doctor is a good idea. Playing doctor is a bad idea. Saying that you're not going to tell the doctor about how you screwed up with Adderal is real bad idea.
3. Thinking that six Ativan will safely get you through detox? That's a real bad stupid idea. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you.
4. Not telling anyone (including your doctor, I assume) about this so you can go it alone? Well, that's off the "bad idea" charts.
If you seriously want to get out of the mess your life is in right now, let me suggest you see your doctor about getting into detox. And when you see your doctor you have to be totally honest with him about eveything that's going on. Then save yourself a lot of time and heartache and look into rehab now. Don't wait until you (again) find that you can't kill this beast by yourself. And note that I said "until" rather than "if".
5. You said it best when you stated that you seem to get in your own way. Whatever makes you think that anything's going to change here? I suggest that your way isn't working now and won't work tomorrow. Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result every time. You need help and that involves other people. You can't do it alone. You'll get a lot of support here on SR, but you need much more than that right now. And I'm willing to bet that those you think are under the impression that you're clean really don't think that.
Please don't take all this as a personal assault on your plan to get sober. It's just some suggestions based on my and others experience about how to improve on that plan. You've already cleared a big hurdle in admitting that your life's a mess. I hope you seriously consider some ideas on how to change it.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Noro 
Am I hopeless? What the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not crazy (at least not yet). I'm not a bad person and I know deep down that this is all a big mistake. I want to want to try to stop, and I'm trying to try to want to stop. Can someone talk to me on here? Am I hopeless?
What you need to learn is that there some things in life that are just plain paradox's;
1. You must suffer to get well
2. You must surrender to win
3. You must give it away to keep it
4. You must die to be reborn
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I gotta go with Joedris here - self medication is the #1 reason most of us into this mess, Noro.
Trying to 'go solo' comes in a very close #2.
If you want our life to change, changing the way we do stuff is a good start
Noone gets out of this by going solo.
See your doctor - be honest, be open and start this thing right Noro
D
Trying to 'go solo' comes in a very close #2.
If you want our life to change, changing the way we do stuff is a good start
Noone gets out of this by going solo.
See your doctor - be honest, be open and start this thing right Noro
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I agree that self-medicating is what has caused many of us to be here. I was sure that I could self-medicate and hide my problems and fix everything before the bottom fell out. But, it didn't work. Talk to your dr. And, keep reading around the boards here. There is so much good information and inspiration.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: shrewsbury shropshire
Posts: 74
Hi Noro
No you are not hopeless, not in the slightest. Are you sure there is no one you can talk to 'cos going solo is not easy mate? Then again your here so there's any number of people to talk to, so keep posting.
Good luck and best wishes
No you are not hopeless, not in the slightest. Are you sure there is no one you can talk to 'cos going solo is not easy mate? Then again your here so there's any number of people to talk to, so keep posting.
Good luck and best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by joedris
Noro, Just a couple of things:
2. Seeing a doctor is a good idea. Playing doctor is a bad idea. Saying that you're not going to tell the doctor about how you screwed up with Adderal is real bad idea.
2. Seeing a doctor is a good idea. Playing doctor is a bad idea. Saying that you're not going to tell the doctor about how you screwed up with Adderal is real bad idea.
Originally Posted by joedris
3. Thinking that six Ativan will safely get you through detox? That's a real bad stupid idea. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you.
Originally Posted by joedris
4. Not telling anyone (including your doctor, I assume) about this so you can go it alone? Well, that's off the "bad idea" charts.
If you seriously want to get out of the mess your life is in right now, let me suggest you see your doctor about getting into detox. And when you see your doctor you have to be totally honest with him about eveything that's going on. Then save yourself a lot of time and heartache and look into rehab now. Don't wait until you (again) find that you can't kill this beast by yourself. And note that I said "until" rather than "if".
5. You said it best when you stated that you seem to get in your own way. Whatever makes you think that anything's going to change here? I suggest that your way isn't working now and won't work tomorrow. Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result every time. You need help and that involves other people. You can't do it alone. You'll get a lot of support here on SR, but you need much more than that right now. And I'm willing to bet that those you think are under the impression that you're clean really don't think that.
If you seriously want to get out of the mess your life is in right now, let me suggest you see your doctor about getting into detox. And when you see your doctor you have to be totally honest with him about eveything that's going on. Then save yourself a lot of time and heartache and look into rehab now. Don't wait until you (again) find that you can't kill this beast by yourself. And note that I said "until" rather than "if".
5. You said it best when you stated that you seem to get in your own way. Whatever makes you think that anything's going to change here? I suggest that your way isn't working now and won't work tomorrow. Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result every time. You need help and that involves other people. You can't do it alone. You'll get a lot of support here on SR, but you need much more than that right now. And I'm willing to bet that those you think are under the impression that you're clean really don't think that.
Originally Posted by joedris
Please don't take all this as a personal assault on your plan to get sober. It's just some suggestions based on my and others experience about how to improve on that plan. You've already cleared a big hurdle in admitting that your life's a mess. I hope you seriously consider some ideas on how to change it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Noro, As I said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time. You've tried this route to sobriety before and it didn't work, so you'll try it again. I must be missing something here as I can't see why you think this time you'll be successful. I suspect that you're looking for an easy, soft way to sobriety. There is no easy, soft way, and I'm afraid that you'll eventually find that out - the hard way.
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