brundle

Often times I really wonder just what goes on in the twisted nasty mind of my AH. Even when he's not drinking the things he says tend to be nasty or rude. You could say even when he is joking what he says is 'disrespectful' or just plain off some how. Usually the kids and I at this point just look away get silent then talk with each other when his critical useless word vomit comes out of his mouth.

Yesterday we where in the car together and he had bought some high calorie cinnimon type bread. He told me about half way home that he planned on making french toast with it and wanted to know how much I planned on eating. Due to my MS and working out I really watch what I eat it makes me feel better. He only eats junk (I'm not just saying that he really wont eat any thing but fried food and like pancakes). He's always giving me crap about my eating because I could eat the way he does but it would make me feel yucky. (I also think he bugs my eating as a control issue)

ANYWAY, I told him most likely I wouldn't eat any. He plucks the loaf off my lap; tosses it in the back seat tells me how rude I am and stops talking for the rest of the ride home. In the past I would have just sat mute. When we got home I would have put up with the silent treatment until he was done and we all would act like nothing happened.

BUT yesterday when we got home I slammed the car door called him a jerk and walked into the house. Of course I was called crazy because he was 'just joking'. But when I turned around he was smiling his weird saddistic smile that he usually uses when he is trying to talk down to me and bully me. I told him that was crap. He called me crazy over a loaf of bread and hid in the basement for the rest of the night.

I DO kind of feel like 'what the heck' what up my butt. But I've just gotten so sick of his crap and so many times his "jokes" have that under tone of nasty.

Does anyone else relate to this? There are times that he isn't this bad, but part of me think he runs in one of those cycles of abuse. Any thoughts and insites would be helpful. And you can tell me if you think I just snapped.

Thanks..

CatsPajamas

I lived with the incredible mood swings and rage for a number of years. In the beginning I would cave - always - and go along with whatever he said or did or asked or demanded just to keep the peace. It was awful and I felt very subservient and unhappy.

As I found recovery, I learned to set some boundaries in order to take better care of myself. I learned to use some non committal comments - "oh", "wow", "really", "huh", "you don't say" and "how 'bout that"? I also said "I'm sorry you feel that way", and the occasional "Let me know how that works out for you". (and I was using that line waaay before Dr. Phil made it so popular!) I no longer allowed people to speak to me in a disrespectful manner. If they did, I walked away, often left the house and did something really nice for myself. I took a lot of lovely walks, saw a few movies, read a nice magazine at the library... just to take care of me and to NOT allow his toxic comments to get to me.

It was really hard at first. When I set the boundaries and began to enforce them, his anger and intimidation techniques increased for awhile. I had always given in, remember, so he just turned the volume and intensity up a few degrees figuring I hadn't heard him. It wasn't long before he realized that those words had no power over me anymore.

I keep a mental picture in my head - the day I realized that my exH was no longer the Great and Powerful Oz, but rather just a lonely sad little man behind a curtain, pushing levers on a big machine that belched out noise and billows of smoke. That was near the end of our relationship, when I realized that there was a world full of light, love and laughter with people who respected and honored one another. That's where I wanted to spend my time. I deserved it. And so do you.

Ago

Brundle,

Have you read this?

Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting...

I have seen you posting here for a long time but don't remember, can you make it to F2F meetings or go to therapy?

This doesn't sound as much like alcoholic behavior as it does abusive behavior, and when I was stuck in the same dynamic I needed a TON of help. I kept thinking if I could just do it "differently" it would somehow "work out", that if somehow I tried harder it would be different somehow.

I may as well tried to stop the waves from rolling in, Tigers bite people who stick their heads in their mouths, scorpions sting frogs that help them, it's their nature, and abusive people hurt people near them, that's just how that is, and no matter how hard I tried to do things differently all it did was make me crazy.

I literally lost reality. That's what abusive people do, is make you doubt your reality, with hurtful behaviors and "gaslighting"

Please read that article to see if it rings any bells, when I read it the light bulb finally came on for me.

Please get help

rae145

yes, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. I think the abuser loves to set us up and then tell us how crazy we are. I remember my husband would say "Ohh, watch out mom's mad" when I wasn't mad or even aware there was a problem. He did this for years. I feel like he was putting it into our daughter's head that I was always mad.
No, I don't think you snapped and you're not crazy either- remember we're only human.
I'm sorry you have ms and a pouty brat for a husband.

ItsmeAlice

I can relate....I remember the snarky spew that would come from my XABF. Every comment seemed to have this lilt of cynicism and bitterness to it. Every subject seemed to end up as a criticism of me no matter how innocuous at the outset.

I remember once he said something derogatory about my weight when he saw me eating a cookie. I lost it and growled under my breath that if he wanted to keep his face looking like that, he should leave the room and never speak again. I'd been dieting for months and lost quite a bit of weight at that point. Treating myself to a cookie was none of his business and he knew it.

He made a big show of cowering back and was going on about angering the queen. He thought he was a real stitch that day. I asked him why he found it humorous to insult me, and he replied that he was just giving me a hard time and that I should learn to take a joke.

That was a statement he soon regretted. I put on my snarkiest smile and said, "Ok princess, I'll take that under advisement."

For the rest of the day, anything he said received an "Okay princess." When he got agitated, I made kissing noises at him and said "I'm sorry princess, please don't be mad."

He finally got really annoyed and asked me why I kept calling him that and why I was acting so mean. I told him I was just giving him a hard time and he should learn to take a joke. "Okay, princess?"

The look on his face was priceless!! He actually figured it out. He actually saw that I was just spewing his snarky crap right back at him.

After that when he would really get going, I would remind him by calling him 'princess' a time or two and that seemed to cut him off at the pass.

** This occurred, however, when he was sober. I would have been prodding a wild tiger had a tried this while he was intoxicated. I would have liked to be just as nasty to him when he was drunk, but I'm not crazy.

Alice

brundle

Thanks... I do know it's abuse. I just wasn't sure if keeping quite was the best way to handle it or telling him to shove it is the best way. It sometimes feels better telling him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I've been keeping quite for years and I've just had it!!!

I've been secretly packing and hoping it wont be long before I can save up enough to move. I think I'm just done. He's a huge jerk sober. I really don't even talk with him much drunk. He drinks so much that he's mostly out of it once he gets going. He waits until later at night and drinks hard and fast. This is to prove that he doesn't have a problem of course. This is every night.

I don't really think I'm crazy (unless you count how long I've stayed) but it's nice to know I'm not alone. It seems everyone else seems to think he's a great guy; except for me and the kids who he tortures regularly...

So thanks!!! I'm headed back to read the link above now....

EDIT: AGO... My AH does EVERY one of those things. I live punished because since recovery I don't let him get away with lots of those things.

The one thing I found very interesting was this quote....

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in "punishing" the offender.

My AH doesn't go to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning due to his drinking. He has no problem waking the whole house; especially me; when he comes to bed. I've often thought my life is like being tortured in a prison because I can't tell you the last time he's let me sleep a whole night.

The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner.

I think this is what is going on now.

discontentmiser

I'm not sure if I can relate to that type of abuse; my experiences aren't as direct,

but the whole "can't you take a joke!" bit really strikes a chord with me.

Last spring some guys in my class thought it'd be funny to send me a dirty note;
I was horrified, terrified, felt threatened, and ashamed.

After denying my brother's offer to brake their legs, I went to the school about it. I wasn't about to let them get away with that type of harassment.

Afterwards, a completely different student came up to me taunting "can't you take a joke? that was a jerk move", etc.

I related this to a close friend, who thought the whole thing was halarious.
I asked what was so funny, she didn't know but she thought I should find it funny and I was overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

I just think abusers shouldn't be celebrated by their peers

brundle

I agree!!!

laurie6781

You don't have to wait. You can move anytime you are ready. Contact your nearest Domestic Violence Center. Not only will they give you temporary housing, they will help you in so many ways, with government assistance, legal assistance, filing for restraining orders, getting permanent housing, counseling, etc.

And, the fact that you have MS will literally put you at the 'top of the list' serious health issues do.

So ............................ when YOU are ready, pick up that phone and call. If you do not have a ride, they can even get you transportation to their facility.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Venice

Brundle,

I can relate completely to what you're experiencing. My AH is an emotional abuser and, much like CatsPajamas' related, the abuse escalated when I set boundaries and when he felt he had less control over me. I recently told him I wanted a divorce and the venom I endured from him as a result was downright scary!

I've often wondered how the emotional abuse and alcoholism are related, if they are related or are they two separate unrelated issues? My AH can be psychologically abusive when he's sober and he also tends to be even worse when he's drinking. He has put a ton of energy over the years into trying to convince me that I'm psychologically disturbed and need "help", particularly if I "call" him on his abusive behaviour.

He's also abusive to our kids, especially if they challenge him. I have thought for some time now that he really does not love me and probably never has. Anyone who can be as mean as he has been is probably not capable of loving another person. I'm convinced he hates himself and is incapable of truly loving another person.

The "trap" has been that in between these abusive episodes, many of which are extremely subtle, he is charming, considerate and kind...Until the cycle starts all over again. Oh, and he never apologizes...The most I'll get is "I'm sorry but.."

tjp613

Venice - Why do you stay with your abuser?

Venice

Tjp613,

Actually, you'll note in my post I asked him for a divorce. This was 2-3 weeks ago. We're still living under the same roof currently. He won't leave so now our lawyers will be speaking to each other. I would leave if it weren't for our 3 teenage kids. My AH wants us to live in the house with the kids on alternate weeks but because of his abuse and drinking, I'm not doing that unless I have to.

brundle

Mine wont leave either. I asked years ago. For all the questions about "why dont you leave?" You need to have the mental strenth to leave. It's like your sick too. Just like a woman who is almost killed by her husband then doesn't press charges and goes back. The same thing happens to us. Staying defies reason even for us! At least once you know what's going on anyway.

Venice: Be really careful. I have a therapist and a lawyer who both have told me that even though he has never laid a hand on me and his verbal abuse isn't the screaming kind that it can be so twisted. That my leaving him could cause him to snap. I've been told just to leave with no forwarding address due to stalking issues ect... Kind of like in the link above. Due to this all being a control issue. I was told to act normal and just move out one day. Now that you've called him on all this I'm sure he's just a real jerk to live with. Have all your important papers in your car along with photos and be ready to go. That was what I was told anyway. That's why I plan.

Venice

Brundle,

My husband is definitely a "controller." Unfortunately, it's difficult to just take off with no forwarding information when you have three teeenagers. I was keeping most of my papers in a locked drawer at my office and I was also keeping a journal (my therapist and the police told me to keep notes about what is happening) and some other documents with me in my purse. One day last weekend I flew to Toronto for the day and parked my car at the airport. Because my purse felt heavy with all these papers, I decided to leave my journal in the car. When I arrived home at 1:15 AM, all the lights were on and my AH was waiting for me in the kitchen. Laid out on the counter were the pages from my journal that he had torn out. He had gone to the airport while I was gone, found my vehicle in the huge parking garage and searched it!!

He's beyond a "real jerk" to live with at this point! He's tried to intimidate me psychologically, keeps accusing me of having an affair and only speaks to me to say something critical. It's so unbearable to live with him now that I escaped to my family's cottage for the weekend to get some peace and some rest. He told me about a half hour ago that he's sure I didn't go there, he's sure I went elsewhere. I just ignored him.

What doesn't he get? I've been telling him for years that his anger and drinking are destroying our marriage, I asked him twice in recent months to move out and get treatment for his drinking (of course he refused) and now I've made my decision. Yet, he persists in trying to find "other" reasons...Just another indication of his deep denial?

I also agree with what you're saying about needing the "mental strength" to leave an abusive husband and about how we are "sick" too. For years he managed to convince me I was imagining things and it wasn't until I was in counselling by myself and learned to "detach" from him that I realized the extent and intensity of his abusiveness. It was scary. That was a few years ago and it's taken those 3 years to get to this point of really being able to leave the relationship.

Hang in there Brundle and good luck with your plan.