takincareome

I talked to my codie mom today. Sometimes I do right well talking to her, but she got under my skin today. I should be in bed but wanted to get this out first.

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can for those of you who don't know. I'm 36. Mom is codie, childlike, needy. I've been her caretaker all my life and she enlisted me early on as an ally in her war against AF. My relationship with him is fairly stable and I've spent years in therapy for AF. It's only been recently that I've started to realize what a toxic role she's played in our little family drama.

I've always been her emotional caretaker, cheerleader etc. As I've gotten older, that's extended to being her financial caretaker at well. She continues to make terrible financial decisions and expects me -- and my brother, on a more limited basis -- to bail her out from this crisis and that crisis, all without having to face any consequences. I recently told her no, she went crazy, sent me a nasty guilt-trip-ridden e-mail, we didn't speak for a while. Only recently have we started talking again.

She is out of work right now and I believe she's actually enjoyed sitting around wringing her hands about it. Today, she told me of two jobs that she has turned down because they didn't suit her. One, I get, because it was a 3-hour-a-day job that really wasn't going to cover her gas to get there. But the second one was an assistant manager job at a retail store. OK, granted it didn't pay much more than minimum wage, but still.

She is in this jewelry-selling thing and she says to me, "If I took that job, I'd probably only bring home $200 or so. I can have a jewelry party and make that." Um, every week? No, you can't. And call me crazy, but isn't a steady paycheck, albeit small, better than ummmm .... nothing???

And all through it -- this is for you, tromboneliness, since we just had the hidden-manipulative-message discussion -- is the message, "Poor pitiful me. I can't believe you won't even help your own mother. Look at all the money you have. (It's not that much but she seems to think I'm loaded.)" I tried to take my own advice and take what she said at face value, but I knew it was there.

Anyway, I was on my way out with friends when I talked to her, and it cast a pall over my evening. She is never going to change.

We actually are planning a trip to Europe in the fall (we got a good deal, not that that's any of her business) and I can't even bring myself to tell her. That's more ammunition for the you're-so-ungrateful cannon of hers. She won't be happy for me. No. She'll be super pissed that I'm spending that money on a trip instead of giving it to her.

And you know, since we've discussed it in here recently, I have to wonder if there's not some jealousy at work here too.

Sigh. Thanks for letting me write this out. Interested in hearing your thoughts.

:codiepolice

Iwanttoheal

I think you've got it spot on takeincareofme. I am in agreement with your interpretation of what is happening.

From the outside it looks like your mother is aware that you are pulling away / changing / not playing the game. As a result, she is upping the game / pressing your buttons / yanking your chain, trying lots of different strategies to get you back where she wants you. Some of this may be conscious behaviour, some sub-conscious.

An eye opening moment for me was when I realised I was also an addict and a co-dependent. I knew my father was the alcoholic and my mother was the codependent. I applied this thinking to myself and realised that I was both addicted to my mother and enacting an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. Head-wrecking stuff but I look on it as the start of working to establish a more healthy way of both behaving and relating to myself.

Keep strong, IWTH xxx

takincareome

I'm trying. Just needed to vent! Thanks for your message iwth.

dothi

I'd really like to know where this comes from. My AF loves this pity party. If you mentioning spending money (e.g. taking the car in for a tune up, fixing up the house, etc.), it's straight to, "gee, I wish I had money to spend like that." I guess it's a dysfunctional parent thing????

Something I have noticed is that where there is a damaged [no] sense of responsibility, there is also a damaged [no] sense of appreciation for how hard you've worked to have some money to spend. It's like in their minds you magically found money, and sort of like winning the lottery or something, you'd share it with your family right??? Again and no thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by takincareome

We actually are planning a trip to Europe in the fall (we got a good deal, not that that's any of her business) and I can't even bring myself to tell her. That's more ammunition for the you're-so-ungrateful cannon of hers. She won't be happy for me. No. She'll be super pissed that I'm spending that money on a trip instead of giving it to her.

Trust your instincts, TCOM. You know you deserve this trip. Whether the guilt comes pounding at your door or not, remind yourself that you cannot control her reaction (only she can) and you are worthy of having this trip. End of story.

Goldberry

I agree too with what has been said. I also think she too is jealous of your happy, more stable life. I think my AM is jealous of my family because we are close and we have love and joy in our lives. Although she and my dad are the ones with the money we don't depend on them. We can survive without them. Maybe for you it's like she feels you have no right to your own happiness. She doesn't have the right to do that to you and keep you from it. You give her power over you when you let her get to you. I know I have given my mom way to much power over my mind recently too. I am learning to respond in loving calmness but be firm. They don't like that because they have no defense against your love and strength and hopefully it will get them to think about how they are acting. Maybe it will trigger a new kind of respect or see their need for help with their addiction. We can only hope. I know how hard it is to keep your cool and be strong. I have messed up many times, yelled and been defensive. But I have noticed that when I act that way I justify her anger and it makes things worse. When I act calmly with love, when she calls to criticize or say mean things, it throws her and she will usually call later and apologize. It may not always work but it is the best for your sanity. I also think that saying something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you, I'm praying for you, but this conversation is unhealthy and I gotta go and gently hang up might be a good way to end an uncomfortable conversation. We don't have to take the criticism, abuse or listen to their put downs. I haven't tried it yet but I will if it comes to that. How long did you not have contact with her and how did you start talking again. The reason I'm asking is that my mom and I haven't talked for 2 wks and I don't know if I should call her. She said some terrible things to me last phone call and told me to never call again. I have no clue why. I guess Alcoholics can be very irrational and she certainly is at times. I too usually have good conversations with her but there are times she'll call when she is drunk and lay into me. Right now I am learning more about this disease and how it affects the whole family. Have a fantastic time in Europe and I hope you will let go and let God take care of your mom.
Keep looking up to the source of your strength!!

takincareome

Thanks guys!!

Dothi, are you sure we don't share the same mom? She ALWAYS finds a way to work in, "Well, if I had as much money as YOU do ...." Like it's my fault I've busted my hump to get here ... and that's saying nothing about my husband who has been Mr. Frugal and Careful with Money his entire life!!!

And look, we aren't rich. But even if we were your comments are still right.

Thanks so much for your thoughts on my trip. I do deserve it .... it's set up to be our last big trip before we try to have a baby. And we're totally entitled to do that. You guys are so right. If she doesn't like it, I guess she'll just have to lump it!

Goldberry, I recently faced this very same situation with my mother. I did not call her, I waited for her to contact me. It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done but I felt like in some small way I forced her to face the consequences of her actions. She finally e-mailed me and said, "Are you speaking to me yet?" in her lovely way of turning things back around on me. I was like, um, I never stopped speaking to you.

But I don't think we should reward this kind of behavior, either. If you call her, you're falling into the behavior she wants you to. You're stronger than that, and not contacting her is a signal that perhaps you don't appreciate what was said to you. NO ONE has the right to talk to you like that!

Just my two cents. I so appreciate all of your comments. Hugs.

takincareome

Oh, and I forgot to answer your question. We didn't speak for two, maybe 2 1/2 weeks. It might have been a little longer. So I totally get where you are. I'm sending you lots of hugs and love. Hang in there.

Goldberry

Well, I wish I had read your post earlier because I did break down and called her today. She was soooo glad to hear from me and started to apologize right away blaming my father for her behavior. I was thinking, you're kidding me, she even said that my dad hits her and becomes irate when she does things behind his back. I didn't know what to say, what if this is true, or what if she is trying to get me on her side. I have never seen my dad hit my mom but I'm not there but a few times a year. She did say one thing that I agree with. She said for me not to call so much, to take care of myself and my family and not to worry about them or interfere with their lives. She basically wants me to back off and let her have her one vice as she calls it. She says she doesn't have much time left on this earth so let her be. She said she loved me and wanted me to call every so often to tell her how I was. So I agreed to do just that. I decided not to get involved with her drinking and if I visit them at Christmas I will only stay that day and not much longer. We have to let them be sometimes because we can't help them or make them want to get better. If they don't want to they won't until something really bad happens, maybe. It's such a helpless feeling.

Iwanttoheal

(((Goldberry))). I guess this is where the Let go and let God thinking of Al-Anon comes into its own. I am not religious - as a child I always felt that God gave up on me - so at the moment I am concentrating on Letting Go and giving my codie mother and alcoholic brother back to themselves. Maybe in time I will find my own spirituality again, maybe not, who knows.


A very wise man (tee hee) on this forum told me that an addict wants / will find an enabler.

My brother (a functioning alcoholic) is systematically removing everyone from his life apart from the one person who enables him - my mother.

For me, I would take the sometimes out of this sentence. I am only just beginning to realise that I am helpless to help / fix their (my alcoholic brother and codie mother's problems) but I can help myself.

I am like you, I am blessed with a happy family life. What helps me a lot is to look at them and remind myself that I have the right not to be taken down by my mother and brother's problems and that I have the responsibility to not let my own children be taken down their problems.

I so relate to where you and takeincareome are and I just wanted to send you both hugs and stength.

Much love, IWTH xxx

Goldberry

Thank you IWTH, you are so right about not letting our own families be taken down too and the others things you said. Spot on! You are also a blessing to all of us too. I truly believe God hasn't left you and loves you soooo much. He proved it when He sent His Son, but He allows us to go through things that are hard to understand for a reason. The way you comfort others is an awesome gift He has given you. May we all be comforters to others that are going through what we have. Hang in there and don't give up on Him. He certainly hasn't given up on you. Never.

takincareome

You guys are awesome.

Goldberry, it sounds like this outcome was the best you could have hoped for under the circumstances, so I'm glad that things turned out this way for you. What a perfect opportunity for you to "let go and let God." I wish my detachment from my mother could only be that easy, but we're still struggling in that regard.

But I relate to where you are too -- both of you. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. We are here for you guys.

Goldberry

You are so right, takincareome, about my detachment although I think it's partly because I live a few hours away and have for over 30 years. And maybe the other reason is that when I do visit I challenge her about her drinking. One morning I saw a glass in the kitchen filled with yellowish liquid. When I asked what it was she said water. I stuck my finger in it and tasted the watered down wine. This was 10 or 10:30! I called her on it and asked why she was drinking so early. She denied it of course. A few mins later she had me taste it to prove it was water. She had dumped the yellowish liquid and filled it with water. I thought, she must think I'm stupid or something. So that's why she has told me not to call so much and leave her alone. She knows I will say something and she doesn't want to hear it. I guess if I lived near her I would be more involved and it would be much harder to get away from the madness. Do you live near your mom? If so I can only tell you what my brother, who lives near the chaos, does. When she starts in on him he leaves as soon as he can. If he can't get out of there fast enough he starts to blow up at both my mom and my dad, who nearly always takes her side, and then he gets kicked out of their house. What a mess huh? I have not had to deal with that so much, but I do get a taste of it when I go down to visit or sometimes when she calls. I think when I go down there they really try not to argue because they know I'm not use to it and hate it. I am praying for you to detach more if not physically, emotionally. It is hard. Very hard. We want them to have wonderful, joyous lives and when they do destructive things it hurts our relationship with them.

Rushl

oh i so feel your pain, went through these things for years. i hope it gets better.

Rushl

&&& in my opinion, and i went through this too, i don't think my mother was jealous when i was doing well but i tended to pull away to cope and my mother feel that... and she was needy because i was the only child so... if i pulled away she felt that i didn't need her or was "mad" at her which sent her into a sea of emotional ups and downs and triggerred drinking. its hard to explain but i did what i thought was right (of course i'm full of regrets now) and i found a way to cope which was "loving from a distance". i'm not sure if what i did was right and i have many regrets now but it's what i thought was best at the time.

it will get better for you... i'm not sure if there is a right or wrong way to deal with it, at the end of the day it's usually about survival and we do what works from an early age.

takincareome

Thanks RushI. I know you have a lot of regrets but for what it's worth I think you did a great job of managing something that wasn't manageable. I do hope that when you're ready you can let a counselor help you sort things out. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but please try to be gentle on yourself.

Goldberry, I'm about 2.5 hours away from my mom. Sometimes I wish it was more, but it's definitely not close enough to be a problem.