Cath

So, its been 5 days of NC with my ex. I am fine a lot of the time but then I have these moment where I just fall apart about it. Every day i have a moment like that. Today was a good day for the most part, my sister and her family came to visit for the weekend so I am so thankful for that.

Today was good minus the fact that his dad was standing outside watching me while I helped my sister unload the car. I don't get it. Just leave me alone. It drives me crazy. On top of that, several of my close friends have gone through recent breakups that are difficult, but I think necessary...but of course all of them are now speaking to their exs or spending time with them. No, not all of them are alcoholics or anything like that but their relationships are SO unhealthy. Its just so sad to watch my friends fall back into dysfunctional, unhealthy, abusive relationships again while I am here trying soooo hard to do it on my own. I refuse to give in and talk to me xabf. I can't go back to that again. He swore up and down that he was changing...well all changing meant was filling up his time with video games, school, and hanging out with his drinking buddies...clearly no change. I hate that I feel JEALOUS of my friends...I'm lonely and sad more than i want to be and want so badly to talk to him or see him but I know that would only make things worse...but I am still jealous of my friends that they all have someone.

I am trying really hard to be happy with ME. I am trying to do what I want to do and find my own happiness even if that means I am without a boyfriend. Its just hard sometimes. I realize that this situation isn't horrible, but really having his family across the street and his step mom still talking to me and all that just makes it hard to move on all the time. I do well most of the time but right at this moment I'm not doing so great.

*sigh* I feel pathetic right now...

Cynay

*hugs*

Nahhh your changing and growing .... dont think for one moment that when you grow and change it is easy... its hard, uncomfortable and you will have a ton of struggle with it.... that is jus the way life is...

BUT.... keep your focus on the big picture... or the prize... do you really want to be like that??? or are you struggling because you are outgrowing your friend? You say you can clearly see the dysfunction in their relationships.... Its is not easy to blaze your own path... and no one promised you it would be.... but what I can promise is if you work a program and keep the focus on yourself you will be light years ahead of the game...

More then that ... soon you will find that peace within and the senerity your seeking... stay strong hon.

bluejay6

I admire your resolve, Cath, and your courage to set standards for your life while so many around you are in toxic relationships.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to live across the street from exabf's family and am sorry you have to not only make a boundary with him but you have to also protect yourself from the emotional triggers of his family.

All I can say is that I admire you.

We really do experience the consequences of our choices. You are making great choices, and in short time, I believe, you will find they have paid off.

I wish you, soon, love you can count on.

Bluejay

Cath

thanks for your responses I was feeling better this weekend...stayed really busy with family and friends, went to the football game, etc...then today my family left, my roommate is out of town so I got a little lonely and then of course here comes the xabf rubbing it in my face that he is so much better without me because now his life is so stress free and hes totally fine. the only reason his life is "stress free" is because he has shut out everyone who holds him accountable and refuses to support his lifestyle. I was really upset about that he felt the need to tell his step mother all this knowing she would tell me. I guess I need to tell her to stop telling me what he says about us. It so childish the way he is acting. I know I am doing the right thing but I just hate that he is trying to turn it around so he looks like the good guy or like he chose to end the relationship because I am dramatic...which is not the case. anyway, thanks for listening

Jadmack25

Cath, it is hard having this on your doorstep and facing the childishness each day, but let it go over your head and do what you need to do for yourself. Keep reminding yourself that HE has his problem and it is NO LONGER anything to do with you. Stay with taking care of YOU, of dealing with your business and leave him to deal or not deal with his.

If you continue to keep no contact and ignore the folk from across the street, I think he will sooner or later, cease hassling you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Cath1029

OMG, I heard the exact same thing from AH, how he is the "good guy" in all of this and I am the f**ked up piece of s**t and everyone knows it and that he is happy as a pig in s**t to be rid of me (exact words). But he "loves" me. Looks like you and I have more in common than the same name (lol).

It's so hard not to give in, not to go back to the only way we know. AH is like a computer virus that has corrupted every file and program inside of me, and it's going to probably take years to have the virus cleaned and to get myself untangled. He has told me that he is never going away--ever.

The only thing I can think of to do is look to HP for guidance and keep posting here and be open to what is told to me.