Electa

Morning Glory: I've already thanked you for sharing "Hooks that keep you.." Now that I digested this information, and know why I was reacting to my daughter that way I was reacting, I have read further of your postings and came to the next sequence, which was the list of unhealthy strategies people have used to protect themselves. (forgot the title)

Psychologists refer to this as developing replacement behaviors, where you engage in thoughts and behaviors that turn an unproductive, maybe even toxic, dynamic around, from unhealthy to healthy.

I love it.

I saw myself in these categories: "cold and distant" , "aloof and shy", and in "invisible". I took these tacks because I saw no other way to shield myself from pain that I was experiencing each time I heard from my loved one (alkie, druggie, whatever she is). I knew, instinctively, what not to say to her (I knew not to act surprised, shocked, outraged, angry, sarcastic) but in order to NOT say these things, to curb my tongue, I did the only thing I thought I could do, with was to be cold and distant, and invisible.

But that is not the way I want to be!

Now that I've found myself in the categories of protective cover people have taken, I can see that there are prescriptive (behavioral) remedies that need to be employed, based on my particular defensive modes. I can put these to my use to re-shape and re-direct the conversations I have with my daughter in ways that protect me, yet allow me to maintain an open line of communication with her.

I'm a work in progress, but what I have learned on this forum is guiding me in ways that have helped my relationship with my daughter (whether she is aware of it or not) and for that I'm so grateful.

It's hardly perfect! She's still doing her thing but her choices in life aren't tearing me up inside like they used to, and I feel like I can exist with her in my life without losing my own personal identity and integrity.


Electa