BS08

So I've been estranged from my family for 15 years. I left them, without telling them where I went, because my mother is the product of a alcoholic and I now think bipolar. She made our lives hell and emotionally scared us all. My family was just dysfunctional, and now I'm realizing that I had trouble connecting with my sisters because we were all just trying to survive and put up huge walls.

I've now gotten back in touch with both of them through FB, as well as my aunt and uncle (my mom's sister who now also does not talk to my Mom), my 3 nieces and 1 nephew, and a cousin. I'm also now finding out that my older cousin (my age) commited suicide 2 years ago after he found out his wife was cheating on him. My aunt still drinks like a fish, but is functional and they lead what seems to be a happy normal life, but I know that all our family dysfunction probably contributed to my cousins choice. I am really happy to have them back in my life, and it just seems that everyone in my family, once they choose to remove my mother from their lives, has found real peace and is really working on keeping the family close. They have been extremely excited to have me back, and the openess and love I've been receiving is a bit overwhelming, in a good way.

But the hard part is, while I have cried by myself at times due to just shear happiness of not feeling so alone in the world anymore, I also just feel like running the hell away! We talk on the phone (we're in separate states) all the time, and they are just so happy to involve me in their lives. But it makes me go internal. Does that make sense? I should just be overwhelmingly happy, but part of me doesn't feel that way. I've actually noticed that it has increased my longing for my exABF. I wish I could go back to when I was with him and life was simple. Is that crazy? Why would I long for him and that life when my FAMILY is now here? It makes me feel guilty. I've wanted family for 15 years (though I wouldn't admit it to anyone but my therapist), and I now have that rare second chance to get it right with my family, and I feel I'm backing away. I feel actually almost terrified to move forward. I booked a flight to go see them in Nov, and that has my anxiety up too.

Not only is my family excited I'm coming back, but people I haven't seen in years from my teenage years are coming out of the woodwork. My sisters are all still friends with them. (My childhood was actually pretty great outside my Mom's drama moments. We were in a marching band for my whole childhood, real family affair, and the people I marched with will always be connected to me because of that). I would describe how I've felt lately like I was standing at the bottom of a dam that broke. The flood has been overwhelming..

I want my sisters to understand too that it is harder for me. I've been alone, with no family, for 15 years. They always were interacting with each other, so they just gain one person. I gained a whole world!!

So just looking on some thoughts about this. I came to this site because of my exABF behavior. Never thought I'd be talking about reconnecting with my family here....

Thanks for thoughts...

takincareome

I think it's only natural to have lots of conflicting emotions. Of course you're happy to reconnect; these are people you care about. But then again I'm sure there is some trepidation there. After all, you remember why you ran away in the first place, and wonder how much has really changed.

I think it's admirable that you're willing to reconnect. But I'm sure in the years you've been estranged, you've learned a lot -- probably from your ABF as well. Don't lose sight of that, and above all else remember to take care of YOU.

Hugs.

Wascally Wabbit

I stayed away from my alcoholic mother for nearly 20 years before I reconnected.
Without telling a long story, there were things she did that I totally and completely resented her for. She has been sober almost 31 years, but the resentment is still there. I really try to forgive her and I do. But, the thoughts keep popping up. I just have to keep forgiving her each time I remember those things.
I wanted to have a mother in my life back when I reconnected, and moved close enough but not too close. I am now only 2 hours away.

My sister will have absolutely nothing to do with her. NOTHING. Because of the resentment my sister has, she won't have anything to do with me either. It's all so sad.
I can live with it though, because my sister turned out to be the most selfish, self centered person I have ever met.
I have grown way beyond that kind of behavior.
Just remember to always take care of yourself first. That means not allowing drama and grief into your life. I can't afford drama any more. It costs too much emotionally.