i don't know if i should be with my recovering addict fiance

Old 09-04-2009, 10:19 AM
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i don't know if i should be with my recovering addict fiance

My fiance attempted suicide on July 20th. He told me he had taken money from me to buy painkillers. On July 21st, I called a hotline and had the police/emt squad taken him to a psychiatric hospital. They discovered that he had opiates in his system. The next day, I found tickets and court documents that showed that he had had been picked up on heroin charges twice. I confronted him with this info (over the phone, sicne he was in the hospital) and he admitted it. I NEVER KNEW THAT HE WAS DOING ANY DRUGS.

I went ot visit him on July 22nd, along with his family, and he admitted everything. He first took pills legally, as they were prescribed to him at age 19. He did not take any pills until he was 21, and that was when he was in college and began to dabble in them (Oxycontin), as he was upset about a girlfriend breaking up with him. For a few years, he did them on and off, generally socially, as they made him feel better. He also used them to numb his feelings.

We began dating in 2006. My fiance said that he was not using pills at the time and that he did not begin using them again until about one year after we began dating (approximately September 2007). He had some back pain and felt like they were ok to use. He did not feel they were a problem at that time.

He obtained methadone at an outpatient clinic beginning in February '08. I did find the methadone sometime that spring, and of course, when I looked up the information on them, it said it was for drug addicts. I confronted him, crying and sobbing, and confused. He said that he would never take drugs and he was not on drugs, but that he had bad back pain from his job (detailing cars). Sadly, I trusted him and believed him. I had lived with him for over a year, and never had any reason not to trust him. He treated me well, although we had been fighting for a few months.

He said he took the methadone until August/ Sept '08, but we moved and he was barely working, and he could no longer afford it. I'm sure you can guess what his next move was - heroin.

He got caught in Sept 08 for using heroin. I picked him up that day, but he said his friend got pulled over and that his friends' car was towed in for not having adequate registration. Again, I believed him, I had no reason not to.

We got engaged October of '08. Planning the wedding was the greatest thing. My fiance wasn't exactly himself, but he was having trouble obtaining employment and I thought things would be better one he could get a job. I always thought it would happen soon.

My fiance began taking my checks in July, but I didn't find out until several checks had been taken. I called him mom and the both of us confronted him. He said he was repairing his car to sell it (he had lost it due to no registration, he said). We believed him

He took more checks. His dad came and confronted him. He said hte same thing.

On July 20th, I came home to find him with blue lips. I said I was taking him to the hospital. He swore he was fine. I drove him around to two banks because he said he sold the car and had the money that he'd stolen from me. I never got the money.

I left again and when I came home, found out that one more check had been taken. I flipped out on him. He walked out of the room, went to the garage and went to the bathroom. I demanded that he opened up the door and after I threatened to call the cops, he did. His arms were bleeding, there was a note on the floor and a razor in the bathtub. I took the note and ran (why, I don't know).

He chased after me and grabbed the note. I stood in front of him, prying the note from his hands. He is much stronger than I, but I managed to pry so much that my fiance said I was close to breaking his fingers, but I didn't care. I wanted to know what the note said. I stood in front of him, crying, and asking him why and asking him what the note said. He was pretty distraught. He finally let me have the note and I put it in my pocket.

I then cleaned his arms and decided that I needed to throw the razor out. All along, he told me not to call anyone. I took the razor to the garage and crouched down behind my car, dulling it in the pavement. Meanwhile, I texted his sister, who in turn, called his mom. His mom called me and relunctly, my fiance got on the phone.

His mom, sister, and I decided that he needed to go to the hospital to get evaluated, which is why I called the crisis hotline the next day.

My fiance spent two weeks ina the psychiatric wing and two weeks in a wing for people with depression and addiction. He was released and for two weeks, spent time with his sister, mom, dad, myself, and one friend. He is on medication and was going to NA meetings.

After a week and a hald, he was cleared to go into a second, longer term rehab (in my state, but about an hour and a half away). He was admitted on 9/1 and told he'd need 30-45 days.

We postponed the wedding. I am sad, confused, hurt, angered, and enraged. I have thought about harming him. I have thought about leaving him. I am so confused.

I have been doing to NA-Anon since the week after the incident. I had my first appointment wth a psychologist this week. I have read some books about addiction, depression, and just borrowed Codependent No More today.

My fiance is truly commited to getting better. I don't know if I should stay with him or not. I have been reading all the horror stories on here and I just don't know if I should do it or not.

Sorry so long.
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Old 09-04-2009, 11:10 AM
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WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason you had to.

Please look around and READ. There are some really good "Stickys" at the top of this forum with lots of good info.

I would like to suggest that you WAIT. This is not going to go away. Let his ACTIONS, not his words, show you over the next year how serious he is about recovery.

After his stint in Re Hab see if he is then willing to go to a Sober Living Home, where there will still be some rules, curfews, he will have to 'earn' privileges, etc and will be living with others in recovery, learning how to 'cope' in the real world without drugs.

To be honest, he is going to have a lot of WORK to do on himself and if he is serious about recovery will not have a lot of time for you for the first 4 to 6 months after rehab. This will give you time also to work on you, through counseling and the 12 steps of Nar Anon, figure out what your boundaries are (what is and is not acceptable) figure out how NOT to enable, etc

Just remember the 3 C's:

You didn't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.

I know this is a very frightening and confusing time for you. There are many on here who have been where you are, or are where you are. Please remember there are no 'guarantees' with an addict. As many that do find recovery and stay sober and clean, there are just as many and more that don't.

I was one of the lucky ones, I got sober and clean over 28 years ago, thought I was doing pretty darn good, and at 3 years was instructed by my AA sponsor to start attending Al-Anon (not for my AH, but for ME). It was a lot of hard work, and in some ways harder work, working on my 'codie' side than on my addiction side.

It will be a 'journey' for both of you and it will take time for you to figure out whether you want to do this journey with him or without him.

BTW if there are not that many Nar Anon meetings in your area or not at times that don't interfere with your work you can use Al-Anon also. There are usually many more Al-Anon meetings in an area than there are Nar Anon meetings, and the only thing I can figure out as to why is because Al-Anon is a much 'older' program than Nar Anon. Same steps, same principles.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-04-2009, 01:09 PM
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There is another thread on here with similar issues. I would definately delay the wedding. The immediate crisis is of course your fiance getting the help he needs and repairing/recovering himself from addiction and mental health issues. That will take time. You, also, need that time to repair and recover. Take a step back and breathe. The answers will come to you sooner rather than later if this is decision to stay with him or not.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:12 PM
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thanks. yes, the wedding has been canceled/postponed since about five days after everything came crashing down.

there are four area na-anon meetings, luckily, i live in an area with a high concentration of people and seemingly a high concentration of addicts as a result.

the thoughts of hurting my fiance are not constant, just fleeting. again, i am feeling many different emotions at different times of the day. most times, i just feel sadness and sorrow.

i have read about addiction being a disease and my fiance likens it to dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. he said there was no way he could have been open about his addiction. he was too afraid and ashamed.

based on your experiences, is it ever possible for an addict to be honest about their addiction? that is something i am struggling with it. i feel that there were opportunities for him to be honest and come clean and it aches me that he didn't have the guts to do so. once, i screamed at him over and over again for being selfish.

he thinks i should be more active in getting better. maybe i don't want to be.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:23 PM
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This is my mantra (below quote)... My feeling is instead of calling everything quits, something you are strongly debating and cannot commit to a decision just yet. I try to do things that I can commit to... Focus on yourself and go to meetings. There are so many signs overlooked and I can see how you overlooked them, no more excuses, now you know what is up. You need to work on yourself and educate yourself on this topic. Keep coming to the board and look into some meetings for yourself.

Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Just remember the 3 C's:

You didn't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:25 PM
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In my case, yes. My ABF in the past year as told me everything, and if he has slipped. Though knowing and not knowing, the addict is still an addict when they use. Its nice to know he is very honest with me, but I have a long story and feel it really dose not make things 100% better.

Originally Posted by confusedfiance View Post

based on your experiences, is it ever possible for an addict to be honest about their addiction? that is something i am struggling with it.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:33 PM
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IMHO. You shouldn't. Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:45 PM
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*blink*

wow - eerie similarities to my situation. my addict fiance attempted suicide on july 21, and was subsequently in the psychiatric unit for 6 days (unfortunately, he also suffers from bipolar and thus his OD attempt was blamed on that and the addiction issue was still hidden). it wasn't until after this happened that i realized i had an addict on my hands. the sticky posts on the top of this board taught me a TON about how to best handle this. good luck from someone that knows the crazy trauma of a suicide attempt and a blinding realization that your engaged to an addict.
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:19 PM
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rookitty,

can't believe we are doing through something similar. crazyness....
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:21 PM
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as i said, i've been going to the meetings, but all i hear is negativity. most of the addicts of the people there are not in recovery and don't want to be. i think i am getting worse from going to na-anon and maybe even from reading these posts.
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by confusedfiance View Post

based on your experiences, is it ever possible for an addict to be honest about their addiction? that is something i am struggling with it. i feel that there were opportunities for him to be honest and come clean and it aches me that he didn't have the guts to do so. once, i screamed at him over and over again for being selfish.

he thinks i should be more active in getting better. maybe i don't want to be.
I think he is right... you should be active in getting your own treatment and bettering yourself... that's the one sane thing he's saying. He can't help you with those issues even though he was the direct cause of your anger.

Yes, in my experience the addict does become truthful about their addiction but well into recovery and well into working their steps. If he's currently using or early in recovery there isn't much for you to expect from him. He is selfish, addiction is a selfish disease. It has no compassion on the addict and/or heir sufferers caught in the web. The whole goal is for you to get out of that web and heal. Eventually, he will make amends (if he's serious about recovering). If not, that amends may never happen.

I'm sorry that addiction doesn't have any definite answers. I completely understand that space in between you are in. It's a B to be there but over time you will heal. :ghug3
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by confusedfiance View Post
as i said, i've been going to the meetings, but all i hear is negativity. most of the addicts of the people there are not in recovery and don't want to be. i think i am getting worse from going to na-anon and maybe even from reading these posts.
Have you tried going to an Al-Anon meeting vs. Nar-Anon? I have seen the difference in the two myself. I prefer Al-Anon more.
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:47 PM
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i have not gone to al-anon, just nar-anon. i can't expect them to be positive if their addicts are not recovered, so i don't blame them. i guess i want to hear "puppies & rainbows." ya know, "yes your fiance can/will get better, etc." i don't know how i'd relate to al-anon people though - my fiance really does not like alcohol and never ever abused it.

my fiance has been clean since july 21st. he is much closer to the person i knew, who is amazing and wonderful and treated me like a princess. he was the first person to treat me so amazingly well. so i know if he recovered and stuck to it, he could be amazing again.

i know longer wear my engagement ring, as i haven't had the desire to put it back on, but i do consider myself engaged still.

he has been honest about his addiction now. however, let me clarify my question. when an addict is in the middle of his addiction, can he ever be honest? i'm wondering why my fiance couldn't tell me about his addiction prior to his suicide attempt.
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Old 09-04-2009, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by confusedfiance View Post
i have not gone to al-anon, just nar-anon. i can't expect them to be positive if their addicts are not recovered, so i don't blame them. i guess i want to hear "puppies & rainbows." ya know, "yes your fiance can/will get better, etc." i don't know how i'd relate to al-anon people though - my fiance really does not like alcohol and never ever abused it.

Mine doesn't either. Just when I hear them talk I apply the same coping skills they use. I'm only suggesting Al-Anon as more people attend, in my experience.

he has been honest about his addiction now. however, let me clarify my question. when an addict is in the middle of his addiction, can he ever be honest? i'm wondering why my fiance couldn't tell me about his addiction prior to his suicide attempt.
There is so much shame and guilt an addict must work through when in recovery. That could be the simplest answer as to why he can't be open about his past behavior while in addiction. Get the book "Reclaim your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken to get a better understanding as to what happens to the whole family in addiction. It gives a good perspective on how the addict recovers in early, middle and late recovery. It has helped me understand my BF as he recovers.
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Old 09-04-2009, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by confusedfiance View Post

the thoughts of hurting my fiance are not constant, just fleeting. again, i am feeling many different emotions at different times of the day. most times, i just feel sadness and sorrow.

he thinks i should be more active in getting better. maybe i don't want to be.
Hi Confused... glad you are posting here with us. This forum is full of support and encouragement. Be sure to keep reading and posting.

The above quote about hurting your fiance... you're not alone in these thoughts. It's the insanity of addiction and co-dependency. We try everything we can to fix our loved ones addiction... our loved ones put us through horrible things... I know mine sure did... and like the razor incident with your fiance.... everything builds up... and we just want to hurt them like they hurt us. Or sometimes we just want out... like suicide. When we are so beaten down by the disease, we can have these horrible thoughts.

A good friend of mine here once said... Since she started attending Al-anon,
she hadn't planned a murder or a suicide since. See, working on getting yourself heathly, putting the focus on you and your happiness will get you to a better place, where these thoughts (not that you would act on them) will disappear.

I hope you'll try to find a face to face meeting and keep reading and posting here. Learn all you can about addiction. A good book to read is "Co-dependent no More" by Melody Beatty. And the sticky posts at the top of this forum are loaded with good information.

Keep posting! We're glad you're here.
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Old 09-04-2009, 05:46 PM
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Confused, I remember when the addict in my life went clean for a few months. Then she relapsed. On her wedding day. It was horrible trying to get her in her wedding dress and help her with her make-up while she was drooling. She had to be driven to her own wedding because her license had been revoked and her car had been totaled. She had fallen asleep at the wheel and went through a stoplight.

Recovery is a process. It doesn't just "happen". There is a lot of wisdom in those that say to wait at least a year before making any major changes.

BTW, although my addict never abused alcohol, I found a lot of comfort in Al-Anon. As mentioned above, the pool of members is larger so you are likely to find someone in a similar situation. Also, over time I discovered the similarities instead of the differences. That is not to say there are not "toxic" groups, because there are. Keep looking, hit different meetings. That's what I did and it made a world of difference.

Sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 09-04-2009, 07:39 PM
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thanks guys. i did get codependent no more and got to the pages about all the signs and symptoms and i started numbering them, 0-2, like the book suggested. i am rediculously beyond codependent, but i was that way prior to my fiance. it has just gotten worse.

also, i JUST discovered his addiction a day after he tried to kill himself. talk about a blow to my world. i think it would alsmot have been easier to know about the addiction for awhile. but i had to deal with his suicide attempt & finding out about his addiction ALL AT ONCE.

my mom called me and asked if i wanted to go to the friday nite meeting of na-anon, so i did go. it was smaller than the one i had been going to. the people were the same. i didn't feel sad or upset being there tonight though. so i think i will keep going to na-anon. however, i think i am going to speak with my uncle, who is a recovering alcoholic who has been cleean for many years. my mom said that he told her that he would be there for me when i was ready.

thanks for the clarifications. even though i have read about addiction, i just don't understand it. i don't know if i ever will. i want in my heart to believe that it is a disease and that the addict cannot control it, but i don't know if i can believe that. i just don't know.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:09 PM
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What a terrible time for you, cf. So much crisis and shock to absorb all at once. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have some physical symptoms in the weeks to come....free-floating anxiety or racing heart or nausea. If you do, know that it is the body reacting post-trauma. If it occurs too long and is severe, please see a doctor.

He is a heroin addict, sweetie. I love a heroin addict and have not seen nor heard from him for three years. Mine is a kind man, a good father, a hard worker, and to this day, still the love of my life.

He had 10 years of such good, strong 12 step recovery. Then some things happened in his life and he relapsed. So many lies, after that. I never believed this would happen to him. And I was nauseous every day for two years after he went away. The shock.

Your fiance is very very sick, and I believe that even 45 days rehab may not be enough for him. Heroin is a snake that winds its way through every cell and organ of the body and does not let go. He will need such intensive rehabilitation to have a chance. He needs the longest rehab and sober living and IOP he can get. He has two years, at least, of living on a very thin wire.

I believe your relationship with him should go dormant for awhile, as a bear hibernates and stores energy. I believe you should tell him you love him and that he is very sick and that because you love him, you are going to let go and allow him to save his life.

In the meantime, you can attend meetings for yourself, do a year or more of counseling.
If it is God's will that you marry this man, it will happen. But you need to be prepared. You cannot possibly marry a heroin addict until you yourself have been immersed in recovery and you understand the demon which will shadow you both.

The Craig Nakken book mentioned above is excellent. As is his other book, "The Addictive Personality." Two of my very favorites. I have read the latter probably twenty times. Kept having to replace my copy because of so many underlinings and margin notes.

Welcome to this forum. You now are a member: Friends and Family of Substance Abusers and Alcoholics. This is your reality. No amount of wishful thinking will ever change that. You have found yourself on a path you did not choose....but it is yours now. I hope you will recognize how serious this is.

I need to believe in recovery. I need to believe in the miracle of the 12 Steps of AA, which are said to transform disintegrated persons into beacons of light.

I hope this will be so for the man you love (and occasionally want to murder).

Again, welcome.

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