fragrantrose

Hi, my name is Julia and I am new here!
Day 6 today and have mixed feelings and struggles with that insane question "am I really and alcoholic?". Broke 4 year sobriety 20 months ago this time it is just so hard to give up as I have "good times"? to remember as well as, craziness, hangovers +++ weight gain (I am very vain) neglect of daughter, days off work, the list goes on.....still think of the benefits though, as I feel and so relieved when I am drinking. Come from alcoholic home but "only" drink 1 to 1 and half bottles in binge session ( very quickly sometimes in 1 hour) two weeks ago blacked out after only 1 bottle in about 1 hour, then feel very remorseful and sick, sick, sick!!!!!! still think that one day will be able to get it under control as life seems so grey without ETOH.Most of my friends say I dont have problem as 1 bottle is not enough to be an alcoholic and they drink as well and I suspect I might be "drinking buddy" for some. Managed to endure relationship for 7 years with alcoholic and needed to drink just to cope with being with him. Broke off with him for the umteenth time last weekend after last binge. I need help and clarification as I think this "disease" must be getting worse as I was desperate for drink last night and scared about today!

NewBeginning010

Glad to have you here at SR Those must be some good times with the booze if you are willing to give up everything above that you posted. Are they really that good & is it worth it?

I wish you all of the best in your recovery

Take Care,

NB

fragrantrose

thankyou for your reply new beginning! I really pray that i will have a new beginning as well!

Boleo

Welcome back.

Could you expand on how you got sober last time. You may need a stronger program this time but its hard to tell from what you descried so far.

ElegantlyWasted

Q= "Am I really an Alcoholic?"..................
A= "I think this "disease" must be getting worse"

Did you maybe answer you own question? Only you can really decide and you seem to be on the fence. Best of luck a lot of really good people and advice here.

ElegantlyWasted

Q="am I really and alcoholic?"

A="I think this "disease" must be getting worse"

Maybe you answered your own question. I do believe in the cheesy saying that only you can decide if you are and alcoholic. You seem to be on the fence. A lot of great people here and their advice and perspectives have been invaluable to me and my recovery. Best of luck. Textbook answer to you situation is that those currently giving you advice are enabling you to be in a state of denial and perpetuate said behavior.

fragrantrose

Thankyou so much for your replies , I managed to stay off alcohol last time by going to AA, I think it is comforting that it is there but I am a somewhat shy gentle soul and felt that I didnt fit in, might go back to meeting tonight as DESPERATE

Dee74

Hi again Julia

It's hard to come to a decision when you still see drinking as not entirely a bad thing, I know....I spent 15 years doing that.

The trouble is we're very good -insanely good - at self deception...I had to get brutally honest with myself and list the pros and cons.....your cons are pretty significant, especially the one about yr daughter - if your pro balance sheet boils down to good times and relaxation...maybe there's better ways to get relaxed, and maybe there's good times to be had, without alcohol?

You don't need me to tell you a bottle or so is above 'normal' limits - and you can always find a friend to tell you you're ok - I drank all day everyday, and I could still find people to tell me I wasn't an alcoholic LOL. It's good you see all that for what it is.

I'm not sure what ETOH is, but I found life without booze was pretty grey too - it was my companion in everything. I didn't stop until I had to, and it was nearly too late then...it already took everything it could but my life.

You're in the right place tho - we get it....and you can get through this with support.

It's really great you've decided to pull out of the dive now. You'll find a lot of support here Julia - shy gentle souls are our specialty

I hope to make it to that meeting tho - face to face support, and numbers to ring, are pretty good too.

keep posting!
D

Hevyn

Hi again Julia - from another shy, gentle soul. I haven't done AA meetings yet, but may give it a try. SR has been my rock for the past 2 yrs. - that's not to say I couldn't use even more support.

I wasted many years questioning if I was really an alcoholic. With all my heart, I didn't want it to be so. My reluctance to face the truth almost cost me my life. I kept going until I never had any more good times to remember - only the craziness and chaos. Maybe that's why it was easier for me to give it up this last time - there was no fun, excitement, or relaxation to be had when I drank. In the end, each time I'd try it I was plunged into hell. I was also sober for a number of years, & when I slipped back into it I crashed and burned very quickly. My resilience was no longer there, I had nothing left to fight with. If you choose to keep going with it because you miss the benefits (relief) as you put it -I fear that you'll end up in a terrible place. I think you already know what needs to be done here. I understand your reluctance, but this is a fight for your life. Please stay with us - it's great to have you here.

fragrantrose

Thankyou Dee for your message, I am glad that you confirmed to my crazy(at moment) mind that a bottle or so with sometimes, a whisky chaser is too much as it is not HOW much, it what this poisonous substance does to us. I think that i have allergy to it and definately mental obsession which is a very painful PART of the whole situation, any how i could ramble on and on about the evils of the bottle but what I HAVE TO REMEMBER IS ALL I HAVE TO DO TODAY IS NOT PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK!!!!!!

fragrantrose

Dear Hevyn, thankyou for your encouraging words I can SO identify with you as I know that my resilience has gone as well and maybe it is a godsend that it has, I feel that if I drank like I do when I "binge" everyday, I would surely die very quickly! get so sick with it now, (maybe liver intolerance as females process it differently)

Dee74

that's the bottom line Julia!
D

firestorm090

Hi Julia,

Oftentimes I've wondered what my life would have been like without alcohol and the only answer that comes to mind is "much better." You are at the same fork in the road as many of us here are at, the choice to alter our lives, give up the cheap thrill of booze and try to learn a whole new way of living. To me, it is a whole new way of living, for I was brought up with booze, have always drank, and have failed miserably in learning how to live without alcohol. I've often felt beyond hope, but I am trying to get on track again and see if it is possible for this drunk to find a way of living that works, that is more fun than booze, and is ultimately more satisfying overall. You sound like you are in the same space, so I can only suggest that you keep trying, never give up on yourself and remain open to the possibility that life can be truly, deeply enjoyed without alcohol. Others here make this claim, so I just have to have faith that it is true. Maybe we both need a little help in the faith department. I hope you find the faith and answers you seek. I can honestly confirm that living the life of an active alcoholic only gets worse with time. I've lived through the hell of active alcoholism for far too long, and it sounds like you have too, so stick around and give yourself a chance to build a better life.

NewBeginning010

[QUOTE=fragrantrose;2353700 I HAVE TO REMEMBER IS ALL I HAVE TO DO TODAY IS NOT PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK!!!!!![/QUOTE]

You got it fragrantrose From another kind, gentle soul :ghug3

Hevyn

I had it by my bedside in the end, reached for it at night - that's how far gone I became. I couldn't get through a day without it, would wake up shaking & detoxing if I didn't keep it in my system. I had no life. This never has to be you.

nelco

I think this is a good idea. This is what I do and it works for me. I dont want to drink today.

hi and welcome, I hope you keep posting.

Wolfchild

Hello and welcome to the Sober Recovery community.

least

to SR! Lots of support and experience here. Glad you joined the family!

yeahgr8

Hi there

Did you miss Boleo's post about which program you worked to get sober last time and which one you are working this time?

welcome:-)

Tazman53

It is a fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it never gets better, it get worse with every drink.

If AA worked for you before I can not think of a single reason it owuld not work for you now. Of course it can not work if you don't go! LOL

Perhaps check out some ladies only meetings to start with.