Step Study ~ Step Three

Old 09-03-2009, 08:30 AM
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Step Study ~ Step Three

If you are just joining in, this is an online Step Study for Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Each of the 12 steps will have its own thread, so you can participate at whatever level you are comfortable.

Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.

Here are links to the other steps in case you want to review:

Step 1: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-one.html

Step 2: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2352707


===

Intro to Step Three from Paths to Recovery, Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts. p. 28

In Step One we learned that many of our problems may have resulted from our ineffective efforts to manage our own lives; in Step Two we came to believe that a Higher Power could help restore us to sanity;. It naturally follows that the next Step would be turning to that Power for help. Some members shorten the first three Steps to, “I can’t. God can. I’ll let Him.” Obviously if our past efforts have been futile, and if we believe that a Power can help us, it makes sense to allow that power to do so.


The first phrase of Step Three, “Made a decision,” shows us that we have choices. We make this decision when we are ready. Everyone works through the Steps at their own pace, in many cases returning to earlier Steps over and over again until ready to move to the next one. No one compels us to turn over our will. We choose to do this because the way of life we created on self-will alone was neither satisfying nor serene.


What decision are we making? We are asked “to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Few of us are able to immediately turn over everything in our lives; making the decision to do so is merely a commitment to try. To illustrate this aspect of Step Three, a member posed the following: “Three frogs sat on a lily pad. One made a decision to jump off. How many frogs are left?” The answer is three. The frog merely made the decision to jump – he hasn’t jumped yet!


Third Step Prayer, from the AA Big Book

"God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
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Old 09-03-2009, 08:31 AM
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From How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics p.139

This is from Lois’s Story, where she writes about her own work on the 12 steps:

Step 3: Self sufficiency, caused by the habit of acting as mother, nurse, caretaker and breadwinner, as well as always thinking of myself on the credit side of the ledger with my alcoholic husband on the debit side, resulted in my having a smug feeling of righteousness. At the same time, illogically, I felt a failure at my life’s job of helping Bill to sobriety. All this made me blind for a long time to the fact that I needed to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I believe smugness is the very worst sin of all. Only with great difficulty does a shaft of light pierce the armor of self-righteousness.

===

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?

Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?

How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?

Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.

If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?

Do I trust my Higher Power to take care of me?

How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?

What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?

When I “Let Go and Let God” take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive?

How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?

How can I stop myself from taking my will back?

What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don’t like?

How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

How can I express God’s will in my actions and words towards others, including the alcoholic?
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Old 09-03-2009, 08:43 AM
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Made a decision
When I first started going to Al Anon and read the steps, these 3 words paralyzed me. I was totally incapable of making a decision. I was constantly filled with fear, knowing that if I made a decision it would most likely be the wrong one and there would be more rage filled words and actions directed at me and my children. I know now that it was one of many coping mechanisms I employed in order to make a crazy situation feel more normal.

And, as I have mentioned previously, I had made my A the higher power in my life. Working the first two steps meant I had to come to some scary realizations: I was powerless over the disease that was prevalent in my home. I was powerless over the actions of an unpredictable and raging man who was spiraling out of control himself. I had to admit that my life was unmanageable.... and if I couldn't manage it, who would??? Working Steps One and Two allowed me to fire the god of my childhood and to get a new, kinder, gentler Higher Power whom I could trust.

I had to understand that a power greater than I was ~ and one who was NOT my A ~ could restore me to sanity. I remember crying with my sponsor, saying I had no idea what sanity looked like. I had lived in craziness long enough that it was normal to me. She had me list some things about my life, and then write down the opposite. By doing that, I started to make an outline of what "sanity" might look like: peaceful, serene, dinnertime without shouting and accusations and someone running crying from the table, waking up happy and looking forward to the day instead of full of trepidation about what the day might bring. Kids coming home from school with a smile, telling me about their day instead of immediately asking "what kind of mood is daddy in?" with fear filled eyes.
That was what sanity might look like in my home.

And finally, with Step 3, I was asked to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I had to break that step down, and as DesertEyes said in a previous discussion, I had to work it in reverse. I worked on developing a picture of God as I understood Him. Then, I looked at my will and my life, and imagined what it might be like to turn it over to someone/something who could handle it, gently and safely, wanting only what was best for me. And finally, I had to take that scary step and make a decision.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:27 AM
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Random thoughts

I've been thinking about this step for a while now.

Again, the insistence of God had me stumbling.

I have come to think of this step as the step of accepting what is - rather than what I want things to be - and stop trying to control everything around me. Its a very Taoist step to me! Being able to step back and just see what is (not easy, I'm sometimes very strong in my denial!) and work with what I have. Letting go of how I am doing things, how I think and approach things and trying something new. Getting a different perspective and having hope that things will work out for the better in the long run.

This is my take on step 3 - have I got it right?
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:37 AM
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Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.

I have been saying this sentence several times a day, over and over.

My friend likened it to standing on a cliff. I could either crouch down and crawl back into the hole of sickness, or I could leap off into the arms of HP and loved ones who were waiting to catch me. She told me I had been to the cliff many times, but each time I arrived there more bruised and battered than the time before. And if I didn't jump, eventually I wouldn't make it up to the cliff at all.

And I read in my book that surrendering does not mean giving anything away.

So I jumped. It was a soft place to land
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Old 09-09-2009, 08:33 AM
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As an adult child of alcoholics, and one whose God doesn't look like most peoples' God, one of the hardest things is to let go and trust that you will fall into the right place. Just as you had a hard time with "made a decision," Cats, I would always to "turn our will and our lives over to...." and I run screaming into the night No, no, no, no, no - the only one I can trust is ME. No one else can be trusted.

But even with my different spiritual beliefs, I eventually came to a place where I was willing to let go, if only to rest. I was exhausted from years of trying to control uncontrollable people and situations, and so it was like an addict giving in to the peace of their DOC.....I just let go one day out of sheer exhaustion from resisting. I prayed that the forces of good would take tender care of me, and put my terror and control down for a long nap.

And...it was okay. I was surprised to realize that I didn't die, I didn't turn into a monster, life didn't get worse, it just got...different. I practiced it in small bites - letting the Powers That Be, or the Creator, or God, or Gaia, or Fate decide how a certain situation should go, and trusting that whatever the outcome was, there were still a hundred million other ways for me to be happy in my life. Lots of practice, and I can now do it about 90% of the time: just take a deep breath, look something fearful in the face, and say, "Whatever happens, I will be fine."

I would NOT be fine if I were still scratching and scrambling trying to control an alcoholic single-handedly. I would be sad and angry and desperate, and it wouldn't change their choices or their behavior one bit.

Like you say, Cath - I didn't give anything away, but I got so much in return.
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Old 09-09-2009, 08:34 PM
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I have been working on this Step quite a bit. I have a strong faith, but I learned in Al-Anon that it isn't necessary the God of our childhood, OR of our adulthood, but rather a power that is a complement to the Lord and my faither. Kind of like my extra buffer-knowing that my soft landing will happen but ONLY if I give it up. Give up that pathological need for control, for knowing (why?) and focusing the energy on myself because this is what healthy looks like. And I wake up every day and breathe in and remind myself that I have NO control over anything but myself-and all I can do is pray to serve my God's will-not that of a disease.
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:07 PM
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This step has been very very hard for me. It is difficult to let go of the ruminating and pondering over what could, should, will, has, and is happening and my exact place in all of it. It is difficult to let go of the paralysis and fear over WHAT WILL GO WRONG if I do x or y.

Yeah, it is difficult to let go of self and the conviction that the self is everything and sits at the center of all things that go wrong.

I worked on developing a picture of God as I understood Him.
As Cats' said, it helps to start making a picture of a HP as we understand. The God of my childhood 'had it in for me' and was always looking for an excuse to punish. My current HP is big, kind and has the whole world in his/her/their hand. To this I pray and look for love and direction. My own mind is far too dark and noisy for reliable direction.
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