Deeds4Him

Alcoholism has always been a big part of my life no matter how much I have tried to get away from it. I come from a long line of alcoholics and just when I was determined that I'll never date or marry any one who drinks,after growing up with and dealing with all the alcoholics in my family, I end up dating, marrying, and staying with a person who drinks for the past 18 years!

We separated over the summer but now we are back together (yeah it was short), after falling for all the lines. Sometimes regretfully and others.... it's not so bad. He has quit drinking for about 20 days, then slipped a couple of times since then, and it is real disappointing, it sends me into an emotional downward spiral. He refuses to get help and believes it's all in his head and he can do it all on his own. I know he can't do it if he thinks he is doing it to keep from loosing his family or to please someone else, he needs to do it for himself, preferably with help. This affects not only me but our children as well. We have a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. I spent many years trying to cover up or defend his actions or make it seem not so bad, but they are smart, they know. I am over all the cover ups and excuses, I just want him better. He wants to be better too , but I don't think he knows how to get better. I didn't make him this way and I can't make hims stop. I just want to be the best wife and mother I can be and I don't know about how to deal with the rest.

I'm trying to be supportive, as I know this is hard on him. I do love him and want him to succeed. However, I have no support in dealing with him. I don't know how I am suppose to act as a wife especially if he slips. So, I came here...

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family deeds4him!

You will find experience, support and hope here. Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home!

You are posting in the active thread section and that's a terrific way to introduce yourself and communicate with other members. We recommend that you also read through the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You will read a lot of our stories there and learn what worked and didn't work for us.

Have you tried Alanon meetings?

I found Alanon meetings helpful. I was a basket case when I finally went to a meeting. I was doubting myself, couldn't focus, achey, exhausted mentally and physically. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. In Alanon I found people who knew exactly what I was going through! They were so peaceful, accepting and serene. I wanted what they had and I kept going back.

I have found those same qualities in the people here at Sober Recovery. Please make yourself at home.

bookwyrm

Welcome! I'm sorry you're in such a situation where you need help but I'm really glad you found this forum. It has helped me so much and I'm sure it will help you too if you stick around. You will find that you're not alone - unfortunately some of the experiences you will find on this forum will sound all too familiar. It helps to know that others have been where you are, though, and can share and empathise with you.

Have you read much about alcoholism? One of the first books I read was Melody Beattie's Codependant No More. It really made me think! Another book I started with was Toby Rice's Getting Them Sober.

I'm sure others will be here to share with you soon. Take care and I look forward to getting to know you!

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR Deeds4Him good to have you. I hope that things get better.

You may also want to post this thread in the "Friends & Family of Alcoholics" section so that people that are going through the same things as you can see it & respond.

Take Care,

NB

Deeds4Him

Thanks for the welcome everyone!

Ya know as a teen I attended Alanon meetings, among others. I actually had the Codependent No More book. I went through so much in my teenage years, struggling with so much of my family's issues (most of it due to the alcoholics in my life) and later dealing wit major depression and all that goes with that.

There came a time where I was put on so much medication and I attended every meeting related to every diagnosis doctors labeled me with or associated with my "condition" (let me say this was the late 80s and I know things were done, viewed, and handled a lot different). I could only take so much of that!

After reading 2 Timothy 1:7 stating that God didn't give me the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind...A SOUND MIND! I just gave it all up I was done with all of that "mumbo jumbo" However now, I have been thinking about it all again. Often questioning my sanity, and hating that I react, think and feel the way I do.

I thought. well he said he quit, and he did for a while. His attitude and actions are better, so he slips here and there. After everything I have seen and learned, even early on in life, I should realize no one can quit cold turkey after drinking a case a night for years. Why would I expect anything different?

Things are truly better, so why aren't I? I thought all of this depression I have been in for quite some time was just due to his drinking and our living situation. So how come I'm not better? Where is the rule book that tells you how to act and what kind of boundaries to set as a wife? I love him and when he is not drinking he is the best guy in the world. Give him a few beers and I can't even look at him. I am sure he feels shame too, but I get hurt as if he did it to me, when I know it isn't about me. I know it all in my head but my heart still breaks just the same. It isn't my place to let him know he screwed up, he knows. But what should I do, how should I act?

I should have found this place erlier, in fact I think I did a couple of years ago, but I didn't' stick with it. Maybe I wasn't serious enough.

OK that's enough rambling and ranting for now.... I am off to read stuff around here.

Thanks again!

Jadmack25

So sorry you are feeling so stressed out and down, specially as you have been there before and got thru it.

You are worried that you are still depressed, even tho he has cut down his drinking and has a better attitude and behavior, and that you don't know how to act for the best.

FIRST: There is NO book of rules written in stone for us to follow for success.
What there is to help are the experiences, support, suggestions and lessons learned by members on SR, threads, posts, book suggestions for reading, and Alanon.

I have experienced living with an A, from full bore binges to dry drunk, and thru dozens of withdrawal sessions, broken promises, verbal abuse and infidelity over 18 years.
My main thoughts were How to stop him drinking, to show my love and support for him, to not upset him, or cause him to drink.
NOTHING stopped him drinking for long, even his own feelings of shame, pain caused to him and by him, and disgust of good friends eventually were forgotten or pushed aside.

It wasn't until I finally refused him help, and left him to his own devices that he went for proper help and worked a "sort of" recovery program. He reads AA literature but will not go to meetings. So far he has been sober, has a good attitude and has no dry drunk symptoms that he showed in past sober times and has supported me during my heart problems and surgery, so like you say "Things are truly better".

What lies ahead I have no idea, but if he relapses, or we just stay as we are and there is no continuing improvement, then I will be out of the relationship for good.
He knows what my boundaries are, and so do I, and they are not going to be crossed again.

Only you can decide what you need to be happy, secure and content in your marriage, and whether you are prepared to accept less than you want, need or deserve.

I hope you get the help you want to have the life you want.

God bless

SailorKaren

I landed in therapy when my life started to crumble around me, and I learned I was suffering from depression. It was explained that some depression is of biological origin, and some is called situational depression, arising from events in our lives. No matter the cause, depression can be debilitating, even life threatening, and I was offered the option of medication to help lift the symptoms enough to carry on with my therapy process. I opted to continue with talk therapy instead, and it saved my life.

Living with an addict can affect the soundness of our minds, as surely as living with pollution can poison our bodies. In my NIV bible, 2 Tim 1:7 reads "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Self-discipline is surely lacking in your A, and it's something to embrace for yourself in the journey back to caring for you.

I admire anyone who works to stay with their A and keep healthy themselves. I tried it, and got kicked out of the house in the process. For it to work, I think we have to be disciplined in halting the enabling of the A, and in taking very good care of us and those that depend upon us. It doesn't necessarily mean leaving -- only you can make that assessment in time, and after some recovery for yourself (unless you feel you are in danger).

SR is a great resource, and it will also help to have some face-to-face support from a group such as Al Anon, or from supportive friends who have been through it intact. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

wornout1

My A & I have gone to a couple of counselling sessions. In the last one I expressed concern over my inability to keep up with his demands of helping him with projects (which is one of his A obcessions) & keeping up with the house, the pets, and a full time job. She actually suggested that I get up earlier so that I would have more time to help him when he needed it in the afternoon when I get home from work. That's my last counselling session with HER. I think I need to send her a book on co-dependency.

I am a career co-dependent. Born to an alcoholic mother who was born to an alcoholic father. I have been married to 2 alcoholics, and just when I thought I had cleaned up my act I found myself in love with yet another A. He hid it really well from me, I didn't suspect a thing until I came home from work the first night living together and he had fallen & injured himself. I had to take him to the ER. So, here I am again. I did look over the list of 'you might be a co-dependent IF...' and I feel like I have made great progress in my life. 30 years ago I probably would have answered yes to most of the questions, but now its only about 6. It would be nice if you could graduate from co-dependency but I don't think you ever do. There's a really fine line between co-dependency & inter-dependency.

The whole co-dependency thing confuses me... on the one hand I'm told that I am not powerful enough to cause him to drink, but as a co-dependent I'm supposedly making it easier for him to drink and not truly work on recovering. And, another thing that confuses me is the 12 steps, and I definitely don't mean to step on any toes here... the 12 steps make so many references to "a higher power" that the steps themselves don't feel very impowering to me.

Things are better these days, I don't wake up locked in a closet & I haven't had a loaded gun pointed at my head in years. Somehow that doesn't seem like enough though.

I wish there were a co-dependents union, I could retire with full benefits.

I try to just take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time... my A tells me I "take things too personal" but its hard not to when they have such an impact on me.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that my son is an A also, and has supposedly given up meth so that's suppose to be enough.

Deeds4Him

Thanks for all the input, I guess now I just need to learn to set boundaries and stick with what I set. Man I don't really even know how to do that or what to say. As stupid as it sounds, I don't even know what boundaries to set.

I have more to say but gotta get off of here quick. Thanks again!

Pelican

Hi deeds,

Glad you're still checking in here.
This is a sticky post from the top of this forum. This is just one of the stickies under "About Recovery" concerning boundaries:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

This is one of my favorite books for the alcoholic, and the family of alcoholics. It is also a sticky on this forum and it contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Deeds4Him

Thanks! I'm off to check them out...


Also, I need to admit to someone......Everything is not ok he's been drinking for the past few nights now. We've been back only a month and since we've been back home his drinking has gotten worse. Like he got what he wanted so why try. I have been telling everyone I know that everything is great and he is still sober now, because I feel like a fool for returning so soon. I hate this!!!

Deeds4Him

So, I've been reading....

Does it always come down to leaving the A in your life? Don't they eventually come around with you staying and supporting them? Is there a way to support them with out enabling them?

Jadmack25

(((Does it always come down to leaving the A in your life?)))

No, each relationship is as different as those involved. Unfortunately in most cases the only way out of the chaotic life is actually to take the wat OUT.

(((Don't they eventually come around with you staying and supporting them?)))

Some do finally succeed, some try for a while, some "give it lip service" to hold on to the family etc, some never accept they have a problem, some only get the message when they have lost you and the support and others never, ever learn.

(((Is there a way to support them with out enabling them?)))

Only by you learning how to cease trying to control the totally uncontrolable, being strong and taking care of yourself, not mothering or smothering them, letting them feel the consequences of their actions and often, leaving them to hit bottom by themselves. Personally I feel that staying and not enabling in some way, is the hardest thing of all.

God bless

Deeds4Him

Thanks! That doesn't sound all that hopeful though.

Deeds4Him

I thought that was where I was, do I need to look some where else?

Pelican

You're in the right place! I think New beginnings forgot which forum They were posting in! Happens sometimes.

Pelican

How to live with the active alcoholism and not enable, is your question right?

Things like this:
Don't buy his drug of choice on your grocery day. He knows where the store is.

Don't count how many beers/drinks he has. He knows how many he has.

Don't engage the alcoholic when they are drinking. It will end badly.

Don't expect reasonable/rational conversations when they aren't drinking, either. The relationship with an active alcoholic is not reasonable or rational.

Don't look for evidence of his drinking (where he hides the empties). He is not willing to admit he still has a problem so he hides it from himself first, then from you.

Don't expect to be a priority in his life, alcohol is his priority.

It's okay to admit that you made a mistake getting back into the relationship before he had solid recovery from alcohol under his belt. It's okay to admit that his drinking is a problem in YOUR life. It can be unacceptable to you and be enough reason to you, yourself and you.

This is your one precious life, is this how you want it?

SailorKaren

((((Deeds)))) I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I can empathize with your hopes and dreams for your relationship. I think in any close relationship, there are really 3 entities involved: I, You, and We. The "I" part is totally up to me, and the "We" is something I contribute to, but the "You" is not up to me at all. All three are necessary to a healthy, functioning relationship, but I have no control over what "You" does. In fact, if I could somehow magically control him, I would choose not to do so. Who wants to be married to a slave who blindly follows orders? Perhaps only a control freak would. So really, for any of us, the fate of our relationships is out of our hands.

I am rebuilding my life and choosing to spend my precious time and energy with people who recognize and honor my skills and my loving spirit. They reflect back to me, the love I extend to them, and the experience is awesome. I waited for my A to change, holding a space for her to wake up and grow into, and she chose instead to throw me out. I don't know how your "I" "You" "We" will work out in the end. But expending loving care and concern upon yourself will always bring benefits to you and those around you. And that is something to be hopeful about.

worthyoflove

Sorry you are going through this. I've dated quite a few alcoholics. My father is an alcoholic. I was so blind to everything that I didn't know what normal was. I fell for all the manipulations and con games. I was taught I was responsible for other people's feelings. I've also been threatened financially if I didn't comply. This instills a lot of fear in someone who grew up with an addict. I will NEVER get involved with another addict as long as I live. It is not worth the pain and suffering. Do you know what they call a slip for a codependent? A moment of compassion. I'm DONE.

Deeds4Him

I just cried so much tonight!

Ya know it is bad enough he's drinking again, but to have all the people over who are drinking and some how I turn into the designated parent for the other kids here, is just so..... It's like I am the only sober person in this neighborhood!

Usually when kids come over I let them stay in the house with me away from all the stupid people out in the garage and alley, I even end up feeding them. They come in telling me they are hungry and I feed them. I was so upset hearing the loud music out there, looking out the window at all the people and watching these two girls walk in my house telling me they were hungry.(just like old times!) I lied, and told them I didn't have enough and told them to just ask their mom or dad to get them something to eat. They left but came back in and apologized for interrupting us. I got up from the table and went to my room and cried. Here we are back to where we left off when we left.

All I could think about was how to get out of here and never come back. But it just isn't that easy!! It was so hard to do before! I should have never came back to begin with. I should have just let him divorce me and pay me some child support. Since he told me later after we returned that he actually thought of doing that if we stayed much longer. I just feel so stupid! I want it to be over.
No this is not how I want it! I want him better, I want it how it was when we first got back! I want to stop hurting. I want him to stop hurting. I want him to be happy, cured, over it like he told me he was.

Why did I fall for all of this for so long? I grew up watching this I could have wrote the script on how my life is going. How could I believe this would be different?? I just don't know. I just wanted to believe and have it so bad!!!!

I probably would not know what to do if everyone around me was sober, I might get bored HA!