Ilanga

First off, let me just say what an amazing and helpful forum this is! I just stumbled upon it today and it has given me more insight than I have received anywhere else. My story is typical of those on this site that have fallen in love with a drug addict. I have been dating my ex for the past year, on our first date he "casually" mentioned using cocaine in the past but made it sound like it was in the past. I'm a gym rat, terrified of drugs, and I beleived him. Eventually I found out he has only been sober for one of the past 20 years...and his ex divorced him because of his addiction. But, like many others, I got seduced by his intelligence, sense of humor and generosity. He made me a part of his family and I fell in love with him, hook, line and sinker. It didn't hurt that he was generous to a fault and spoiled me to no end. After a few months I saw the the irritability and mood swings (and hours of sleeping). But I hought there was no way he could run a law firm and be a real drug addict. Eventually he couldn't hide it from me, the arguments started, then we would break up and make up in a never ending cycle. Long story short, a few weeks ago, he disappeared for a week, eventually called, told me he'd been in rehab. I cursed him out and he said "actually I cannot be in relationship because I've been ordered to four month outpatient rehab." I checked his email (wrong I know -we have each other's passwords) and found out yes he was ordered to rehab but he has also been swapping nakes pics with a girl out of the state. she appears to be everything I'm not - and that is probaby the appeal. I cannot believe he has just dumped me and walked away without a second thought and is now seeing this girl. Per emails, they started communicating a month ago. I am posting because the pain is unbeleivable, I just want someone to tell me if this is how an addict acts? How can he just walk away? My head tells me he did me a huge favor, I know he did, but my heart feels like it's been shattered, just shattered and I want him to call me. My friends think I'm ok because none of them understand this lifestyle and figure well he was just an addict, just forget him. I can't. I imagine the fun he's having with this girl, how she is enjoying him and vice versa and the rejection is driving me crazy. Please give me some insight into how to deal with and get over this. p.s. I had my sister send him an anonymous email to change his password. I eventually got tired of looking at the new chick's skinny butt....

teke

hi, welcome. sorry to hear about your troubles. you did what was best for you concerning the password. maybe you can search your area for alanon or nar anon. they are good support groups for family and friends of addicts. read all you can on addiction and codependancy and post as much as you like.

im a recoverying addict married but seperated from an active addict of 23yrs. i chose to detach from my ah, trying to live with his addiction was literally driving me insane. its a very painful life to live and love ones need help too. i know its easier said than done but try to focus more on you. you deserve more and in time you will get through all of this. stick around, others will be along shortly and i will keep you in my prayers

28Days

Wow. That was so close to reading my own life it's scary. My now ex (still very much the addict though) and I had that same never ending cycle, that I so truthfull dubbed the "rollercoaster". He had the cyber-girls too, and they too, were everything I'm not (except I'm the skinny one out of them - score 1 me!). He never got ordered to rehab, but that's still coming, I just know it. I went through the weeks of not hearing from him. The fights. The blame game. The "time will tell" speeches. The mood swings. The temper he developed. We fought and fought..and broke up and made up. Over and over. Day to day it was different. I was so scared to get attached each time he came back..I was afraid to make plans to see a movie the next day...'cause I didn't know if he'd be around still. When I told him that, he would look sad and then tell me that he wasn't going anywhere. Not this time. And then sure enough...he'd disappear again, saying it's my fault that he's leaving. He had some pretty obscure reasonings too.

The pain is immense, I know. Trust me when I say that it will ease. I can't say it ever goes away, 'cause I'm still on my way to that. But I can say it gets much easier. You just need to sit back and breath. Each day it gets a little easier. But the first while, is hell. Focus your mind elsewhere, and keep coming back here. The people here strengthened me, more than I can ever share.

From my experiences with it...His "new girl" is probably nothing more than someone to use and abuse to feed his addiction. Simple as that. Don't think about how happy they are. It's not real. He can't possibly be truly happy and a drug addict. From what I've seen, and felt myself, they're brains aren't functioning in a way capable of being happy. It won't be long until she finds out the ugly truth and in turn suffer. Or, she's an addict too, and together they will self-destruct. I almost promise it.

The best way to get over this, in my experience. Is to get off that rollercoaster, maybe throw up a little (hey, after that many goes of it, I sure needed to, haha), sit a couple rounds out, and then go find a more suitable ride (for me right now, I'm thinkin' that line at the cotten candy stand) (p.s. I like my analogy..I spent a lot of time developing it).
Keep busy. Cut all ties with him. Don't let people tell you about him. It was easier for me, I'm in school right now, but I'm sure you could find a hobby or something. You said you're into the gym thing, maybe take up something to go along with that. Add some yoga or something?

Take care of you, okay? I know it hurts. Trust me..I know. It took me a long time to be okay, and even still now...I have a hard time. But going back? Shouldn't be an option. I went back the last time, when I knew it in my heart that it was a bad idea. The feeling was right.
I'll be thinkin' about ya.

URMYEVERYTHING

He, the addict, had set up his exit strategy to find a way to continue to use. This may sound harsh, but addicts, always have an exit plan when the one they are with is putting pressure on them to stop using. This other girl, with the skinny butt, may be someone he found whom he could swindle and/or use with. That could be the appeal for him, not looks.

As far as him doing you a favor... he did. It's is by the Lord's blessing you found out what you did when you did. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts.

MsPINKAcres

((Ilanga))

hate you are dealing with the pain of this - it can be so heartbreaking -

there is lots of support here, in face to face meetings (al-anon or nar-anon), reading recovery literature, - all this helped me learn how to focus on me and take good care of me in this type of situation.

You deserve to be treated with respect, honor and true love by someone who is healthy and can be trusted -

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity),
Rita

Ilanga

Thank you! On my way to the gym now. I will take in a yoga class this weekend. One day at a time (smile)..

Ilanga

He, the addict, had set up his exit strategy to find a way to continue to use. This may sound harsh, but addicts, always have an exit plan when the one they are with is putting pressure on them to stop using.
I never even considered that. and it makes total sense. Thank you for the insight,.

catlovermi

Ilanga,

I doubt it had anything to do with skinny. You were starting to put up resistance to his drug habit ways, and she's either still naive to them, or condones them (i.e., she doesn't "get in the way" or she possibly even enables him). It really isn't personal on the part of the addict for them to reject someone who starts to threaten their addict ways. They simply must protect their addiction, to keep using.

If your avatar is a picture of you, you look like a vivacious, wonderful, healthy, fit person. You deserve a vivacious, wonderful, healthy, fit person as your life partner!

Welcome, and sorry you are hurting so much. Keep coming back and learning and processing your pain, and you will get back to feeling good. Note I did not say WHEN. Just keep plugging away, and it will happen.

We are here to support you in your pain and abandonment and rejection.

CLMI

Ilanga

He can't possibly be truly happy and a drug addict.
28 Days:
Truer words were never said. I have to remember. I however, will be happy (or at least content) once I get through this.
P.s. thank you for the great anologies!

BigSis

I don't think anyone has EVER come into this forum or into the real life recovery rooms and said,

"I am the other woman. I stole an active addict away from his loving and caring family and our life has been wonderful ever since."


HA!

I have heard - I married a recent divorce who lied to me and told me terrible things about his ex and now I am finding out he has lied to me and cheated on me and done with me exactly the same things he didi to her.

So...lose the imaginary wonderland of him living happily ever after with some girl who has "everygthing I don't". It ain't gonna happen.

He is an addict. His drug will come first, last and always ahead of anyone who loves him, ahead of his work, ahead of his children, his lovers and his friends. His life will become more and more chaotic and less and less wonderful with every passing year as he tries to maintain functionality under those conditions.

Don't believe me? Check out a few NA or AA (open) meetings. Listen to those in recovery talk about their fall... how long it took and the wreckage they incurred.


Then perhaps you can step back from this and pick your heart up from the floor and realize what your part in this CAN be... perhaps a failure to see clearly? Perhaps the naivete to believe all he told you? Not huge faults those (if they even exist for you), but certainly things that you can learn from.

I wish you the best... and hope your heart can begin mending soon. You deserve a wonderful life of joy.

((hugs))

Ringlet

Hi there,

I wanted to reach out b/c I also went through a very similar situation and have felt your shock. You're def. not alone. I usually don't post much, but read on here often...I find the postings (and people) on here are so wise/helpful and keep things in perspective. I posted awhile back on my experience when my then fiance (a former/current pain killer addict) left totally out of the blue. It really is amazing how many similar stories there are like this when dealing with an addict.

Ilanga

thank you Big Sis! I play a huge, huge part in the rollercoaster. And the realization that I kept staying and hoping shows how naive and arrogant I was. This has taught me a lot. Next time, be more selective, keep well away from any kind of addict and realize you cannot change a person.

28Days

It's true dear. I've been on both sides. If he were truly happy, he would not be an addict. Ya know, it's funny. I never thought I'd be okay without him. I'm fine. Yes I miss him, yes I still cry. But...I'm happy. I have amazing friends and great opportunities popping up everywhere.

I love my analogies, aha. I had far too much time on my hands...

Ya know, I kept staying too. Don't beat yourself up about it though. I went through time of even thinking that if I had held on a little longer, things would be okay. Don't get into that mindset either. I stayed and fought hard for a year. Others have done it for weeks. Months. Years. Decades. It doesn't matter. One day he'll realize it and wake up, but don't be too surprised if he doesn't either. All you can hope is that you're far away when the **** hits the fan.

confusedfiance

i sometimes wish my addict (my fiance) walked away. he said he was so afraid of me leaving if he ever told me about his addiction. so i guess it depends. my fiance said he will do anything to do be with me. i guess everyone in different. he is also 40-some days in recovery and has enrolled himself in a second treatment program.

rose

It is almost impossible to understand an addicts behavour, what seems so off the wall to us is not a 2nd thought to them. The constant use of drug, no matter what drug they use, alters their thinging as well as their actions.

It just seems like so many of us get caught up in their web, why I don't know would they even start a relationship with us when we don't lead a life like they do. From the time they meet us, they have to play a person who they are not, living a double life. Then after so long they are gone and do it all over again with the next victim. I think some just love the excitement of living a double life and when they start to get closed in on the excitement ends. This is a sickness as well. I guess there are red flags, but their charm, humour and politeness ect...over takes it all. We fall victim to the perfect person...we think.

So many here post about this samething that has happened to them, it just seems to be such commen behavour of addicts. Not that it makes anyone of us feel any better, but we are not the first ones to have it happen to or have fallen victim to it.

My situation with addiction was a bit different, but some of the same crap when on. I was married for 17 years, we had two sons together. After 17 years he picked up crack and was hooked. He was 43 years old, left me for an 18 year old skinny butt addicted prostitute. Nice hey!

I am glad you found us! We have a great group, with so much support. Never feel like any of your questions or thoughts are silly, there is so much running around in our heads when we are hit with a loved one with a drug addiction.

Rose