Notices

Friends as triggers

Old 09-02-2009, 06:01 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: MD
Posts: 64
Friends as triggers

Hello,

I am newly sober and I tried twice before, each time lasting a bit over a month. Well, I am happy to say I am going for it again and I am trying to avoid those things that remind me of my old drinking lifestyle.

I was doing great then tonight had a visit from two friends that I used to drink with. There was no drinking going on but just being with the two of them, seeing them, hearing their voices made me seriously crave a drink. I am calming down now by reading these forums. I have other friends that don't drink that I have been spending time with and would be happy with no friends at all if that is what would need to happen for me to stay sober.

Has anyone had an issue where they had to cut ties with some friends to stay sober? I have tried before but my friends rely on me heavily for help and support, it seems the more I try to avoid them they more they call, ask for favors, etc. Even though I am an alcoholic I am a very strong person and my friends look to me for support, love, care, and advice.

I feel like I need to take very good care of myself and my sobriety right now. Any advice on cutting ties with friends that are not condusive to my non-drinking lifestyle? It is not that they are intentionally unsupportive, it is that they call me while they are drinking and even when they aren't they remind me of my old drinking ways.

Thank you,

BA
BeachAngel is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 06:14 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I absolutely had to change my playground (taverns) and playmates (drinking buddies) to get and stay sober.

I have already been invited to the season opener of the Alabama-VA Tech football game Saturday, which college football down here is practically like Mardi Gras, St Patty's Day and New Years Eve rolled into one. Needless to say I will not be attending. I think I could go without drinking but my sobriety is that important to me right now.
Taking5 is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 06:27 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Hi BeachAngel,

I'm glad you're doing well.

For me, I had to learn to say 'No'. I was like you, and tried to help everyone in my path and felt like my family totally relied on me. That was so short-sighted because, by doing that, I gradually lost myself. I needed to pull way back, say No, and nurture myself. In the past, I had believed that taking care of myself was selfish, by I learned that not taking care of myself, was deadly.

And, yes, I removed a couple of family members, as well as some friends from my life. I knew it, intuitively, the moment I began my sobriety. I stepped away and didn't look back, and surprisingly, a couple of wonderful women came into my life and became friends and teachers.

Listen to your heart and take care of yourself.
Anna is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 07:06 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
dawnmr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
I have had to cut ties with several of my friends. I did it one day after coming to the realization that the only thing we ever did when we got together was drink. It may hurt at first to cut ties, but it will better in the end.
dawnmr is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 07:19 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"It is not that they are intentionally unsupportive, it is that they call me while they are drinking and even when they aren't they remind me of my old drinking ways."

Don't take the call...?

Lots of us have been through it, sometimes not easy, but has to be done.
tommyk is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 07:19 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
NewBeginning010's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Most of us go through this & its a tough one. I find suggesting & doing other things that are different from what you used to do together helps.

Healthy activities really seem to help, bike riding, roller blading, going for walks/runs (whatever floats your boat). You will find out very quickly who your drinking buddies are & who your friends are.

Take Care,

NB
NewBeginning010 is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 09:01 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
Most of my friends were drinking buddies - most of those simply could not understand me not drinking, so I had to cut ties with them.

I reconnected with a lot of old friends tho - and found a lot of new friends here.
It was a hard call - I can't deny that - but I'm glad I made it, BA

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-02-2009, 09:10 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Owner of a strange glitch.
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
I had to tell a couple people not to call me while drinking, and then just decided not to answer the phone on days I suspect they are (days off etc). Unfortunately, I don't have enough people to talk to and get very lonely, so I will talk to them when they are sober.

The trigger was almost impossible to overcome. Oh, wait, yeah, I had to tell them that after I went back to drinking after one such incident. So I'd say for me it was impossible to overcome.

At first they were mad, and thought I was blaming them for my drinking. Eventually they came around, and it didn't take long when they realized I was serious.
thirtybubba is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 06:17 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
I know that for many in recovery cutting ties to people that use is the only way they can maintain their sobriety. Thats exactly what I had to do at first. I couldn't see any of my friends even if it was in a non-drinking, non-using environment. I knew that things couldn't stay this way forever though. Some of my drinking buddies were just that. Its unfortunate to say, but remove booze and drugs from the equation and we don't have much in common. On the other hand, there's others that I simply cannot cut out of my life.

If I were to cut everything out of my life that is/was a trigger then I wouldn't have much of a life. I used to enjoy getting high after a good workout or even a therapy session. I'm not going to stop doing these things for that reason. I just have to accept and understand that drinking and using are not in the equation anymore. I stay out of bar rooms but if I get together to watch a game with some friends, chances are, they are going to be drinking or getting high. On some days that's a deal breaker, on other days I could care less what they are doing to themselves. I think it comes down to how comfortable you are with your own sobriety. I don't want drink anymore. I'm not going to and the only one that can mess that up is me. I'm going to a Phillies game tonight. Everyone in that crowd, my friends, included can get tanked if they so please. I'll be focused on whats happening on the field.
meo348241 is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 06:25 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
bananagrrrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
Beach Angel, I am very fortunate that my cousin lives out of state. I would not see her in person for sure. All she does is drink.

If I were in your situation, I would let them know that you are working on your sobriety and that until you have more time under your belt, you need to focus on YOU.

Maybe after time has passed and they realize how serious and determined you are to be sober, they will not call you when drinking, drink around you, etc.

Hopefully they themselves will not continue to be a trigger for you forever.

Good luck!
bananagrrrl is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 06:38 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It took me ages to get rid of all my friends from the old life, literally a couple of years...i kept going back, telling them i was stopping drinking and drinking coffee whilst they drank normally...then obviously would come the day when i thought i could rink a couple and off we go again for months...oh man what a nitemare!

In the end i had to be ruthless with this problem, i want a new life and not to have one foot in sobriety and one in the oldd drunken behaviour.

It's hard though but worth it! Such an important part to me getting sober this one!
yeahgr8 is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 07:08 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Is it hot here or am I crazy?
 
Mrak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Planet Zirchon 9 (which is near Milwaukee, WI.)
Posts: 38
Hi BeachAngel,

If you are serious about your own sobriety, it is inevitable that some friendships will end. But new friendships will grow and some existing ones will get better.

As I continue my sobriety, I notice that my drunken friends slowly disappear. They figure it out that I am not interested in getting involved in their daily drunken dramas. Like you, I want to be compassionate and helpful to people, but I won't engage in their drunken lunacy or even offer advice when asked about all the chaos taking place in their lives. Most of the problems in a drunk's life are caused by their own drunkenness. This might sound heartless, but I refuse to be part of someone's mire of drunken dung.

As friends find out how long I have been sober, and have seen my life improve, they will call me and ask how to "sober up." If they are serious about it, we will talk and start to hang out together. But I won't talk with them if they're half in the bag. I actually say, "Don't call me until you're serious about this." Typically responding with, "I am serious about this, blah, blah, belch, blah." My response, "Ya, well you're still drunk, so don't waste my time - goodbye." It's not worth my time or effort. Every plan sounds brilliant when they're drunk, but those plans are rapidly forgotten when they open the next beer, bottle of wine or fifth of Scotch.

You have the choice to stay away from obvious triggers: Stay out of bars, don't go to Clubs or parties for a while. If random friends drop by, tell them you are busy and ask them to leave. It's your house and they have to play by the house rules.

Time spent alone is invaluable and that's what you may need for the first few months. Yes it can be boring at times - that's just how it is. It will eventually pay off, be patient. Positive friends WILL come your way. My new circle of friends are a lot of fun. Healthy, intelligent, productive, creative, engaging and most importantly - sober. Pay attention to yourself - be a bit selfish - let those so called friends find someone else to ramble on about their drunken crap-o-la with.

I wish you success in your continued sobriety and a drama free future. Keep at it, this WILL pay off.
Mrak is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 07:19 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
jamdls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Beach The entire first year of my sobriety I stayed cleared of my old "friends" and I told them up front why I was cutting ties-because I didn't want any reminders of my old life. Only 1 of them continued to email me every couple of months wanting to get together and finally I blocked his email. I realized rather quickly that they weren't really friends, they were drinking buddies and I don't need nor want them in my life.
jamdls is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 07:50 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
herennow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: On the Road Less Travelled
Posts: 57
Hi Beach Angel
Do you have "call display?" A suggestion would be to screen your calls for a bit - until you are strong enough to tell these "triggers" that you are working on changing things in your life. It can get lonely and boring at times but what an opportunity to find out more about yourself! I have people in my life that leave a "yucky" feeling inside of me after I talk to them - simply because I have changed and have no interest in their chaos/negativity/gossip. That is how I gauge who I spend time with and who I don't.
It can take some time to reform your social circle but it is well worth it!
Hang in there!

Here
herennow is offline  
Old 09-03-2009, 08:12 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Allen Park, MI
Posts: 11
Smile Hi BeachAngel

I'm surrounded by Triggers! Almost all of my friends have drinking problems. I had to cut ties with all of them when it came to social settings. I still stay in contact via phone or email but that's it. I'm now just starting to surround myself with like minded people. Most of my friends now are into fitness, health and living an overall clean lifestyle. Keep working at your sobriety!!

Jareni
Jareni is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:21 PM.