tromboneliness

So I go over to see my Dad on Sunday. He's lying in bed, as usual, and gets up for a few minutes at a time before saying "I need to go lie down" and lying back down again. Okay, fine -- I refuse to sit in his bedroom and stare at him, as he seems to want. I go elsewhere -- e.g., in his office (he has a nice iMac we got him awhile back), and eventually he comes out into the kitchen/dining area. I get him to have a donut and some coffee -- this perks him up a bit, and he ends up staying up all afternoon, talking, pounding down Harvey's ******* Cream (that's sherry), smokes the two cigarettes I brought him, and we watch golf on TV.

OK, great. So Monday, I get this phone message -- he's all bubbly and enthused about life again. "Thanks for coming over the other day. I really need that -- and now, I'm feeling much better. I'm sure I'll be around for [my sister]'s visit in October, and probably way beyond that. Yep, I'm not ready to go anytime soon. Hope you come by more often!"

Translation: "You are now responsible for what happens to me. You are required to take this responsibility, and I want to make sure everyone knows that the length of my life is directly related to how much time YOU spend here. Ideally, you should come back and live here permanently, because if you do, I'll live to 150 -- and, of course, if you don't, I'll die next week."

OK, slight exaggeration here -- but that's how I'm hearing it. (Frankly, I think part of it is also that the Prozac is probably kicking in -- he's been taking it for a couple of weeks now. But that's just another variable in this complex polynomial equation of life.)

Am I reading too much into this, or is he kicking it up a notch or two or three, in the manipulation department?

T

takincareome

No, it definitely sounds like veiled manipulation to me. Even if he didn't mean it that way. But if he's as good at this as my mother, that's how I would interpret it too.

What I try to do, however, is interpret it differently. Take what he said at face value, and force yourself to ignore any hidden message there. What did he say? Thanks for coming by. I'm feeling better these days. I had a good time with you and I'd like to see you more often. He didn't outright SAY that you're responsible for his improvement, although he might have suggested it.

So just take it at face value. Why, thanks, Dad. I'm glad you had a good time. I did too. Glad to hear that you're feeling better.

I've found that if I feign ignorance to the hidden messages manipulators like to load their communication with, dealing with them becomes much easier. Of course we know that hidden message is there, but we just choose not to accept it.

It's much easier said than done -- for me, for anyone. But it's a fun thing to try. If nothing else, it makes ME feel better when I do it.

I've been my mom's caretaker all my life, and she is very codie and childish and helpless. I recently refused for the first time to give her any more money (she likes that, because she can continue making bad financial choices) and didn't give her an excuse. She went nuts. We recently talked for the first time in weeks and she sounded all pitiful and I've applied for this job and I've applied for that job. I'm sure the hidden message there is, I'm trying so hard and I'm so pitiful and you can't help me out. But I said, hey, Mom, that's great. Those all sound like good ideas and I'm sure one will work out for you.

takincareome

What I was trying to say, and said badly, was, refuse to let him yank your strings! Hugs

Iwanttoheal

Tromboneliness, I know how deep these unspoken messages can cut when they come from the one person in life who is supposed to love YOU unconditionally.

I too have tried as takeincareofme suggests and have taken the messages at face value and fed them back to codie mother (I think the technical term is "fogging", may have that wrong though, so don't quote me). It only worked for a little while for me though.

What happened in my case was the game was escalated. The passive- agressive emotional abuse just got more and more, the cuts got deeper and deeper until I went into panic mode - fight or flight literally kicked in and I flew. I felt like my life was at stake.

What was it you said to me, let go of the rope.

Thinking of you.

GiveLove

I knew I was healing when it no longer mattered whether someone was trying to manipulate or not. The possibility still registers, sure: "Might be manipulation. Hm." But the ultimate decision of whether I go back to visit again or not is now whether I had a nice time, whether I felt good about being there, and not anything he/she says.

It might be manipulation. He also might be a crappy communicator, and this is the only way he knows to say "I liked that and hope you do it again." Or it might be the Prozac. There's no way to know.

But if you stay solid in your recovery, y'know, it just doesn't ultimately matter.

Keep taking care of YOU, tromboneliness, no matter what he has to say.

Goldberry

Tromboneliness!! Hi, I have a father that is a hypochondriac. I think he pretends to feel achy or whatever to get attention. My AM hates it when he does this and says the doctors say he is fine. He probably also acts this way because he is codependent on my AM and wants her sympathy. I really liked what TCoM said about feigning ignorance. I would try that and take what he says at face value too. I am going to try this to with my mom and dad. Do tell your dad that you had a good time too and are glad he is feeling better... Maybe that's all he wants to hear is that you enjoyed being with him too.

Hang in there and be strong!