scared and confused
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
scared and confused
Hi, AH had 3 days short of 7months sobriety. We have been separated and planned for him to move back home next month. But one night, all of a sudden, after many months of getting along well, he flips out on me and leaves saying he is thinking about changing his mind about the move. Two days turned into a week of not talking - and cancelling plans for the move when he offers to change things back.
I was warned that a relapse would occur so I was somewhat prepared. I saw the signs a few weeks earlier and brought it up in MC. I was prepared to change the date of the move to give us both more time, but I was not prepared for the complete change from getting along well to not being able to talk to one another. I was not prepared to cancel all our plans, we had mapped out a good life and future that we both would benefit from and feel good about. I love this man but hate what the alcohol does to him and us. I was grateful to find someone like him at this point in my life but it has only been a life of pain so far.
I know it sounds like things could be set back a bit - but he has signed a years lease for his apt and wants a break from us. We just had a year's break from each other - I don't know if I can do this another year. That feels a bit selfish but I have spent four years with this man - married 3 next month. We had a lot of wishes, hopes an dreams for what;s left of our lives (we are both in late 50's). The alcohol has ruined all those wishes, hopes and dreams. My kids just left home so I am not only having a marriage crises - I have an empty nest crises as well and no family otherwise. I am having a hard time getting through every day. I just never expected this point in my life to be the way it is.
I was surprised that after all the arguing and cancelled plans that AH had the nerve to admit to me that he had a slip over the weekend. At first he blamed it on me and the arguing... but today he called to take responsibility for making that choice for himself instead of finding another way to deal with his feelings. He admitted that he was hurt that our plans were cancelled - eventhough he was the one who cancelled them - he expected me to let things go back.
I am afraid that my situation sounds typical. But remember this is new to me - I have not dealt with this all my life - and it isn't like AH isn't committed to sobriety -but it is tough.
Feeling alone and sad.
I was warned that a relapse would occur so I was somewhat prepared. I saw the signs a few weeks earlier and brought it up in MC. I was prepared to change the date of the move to give us both more time, but I was not prepared for the complete change from getting along well to not being able to talk to one another. I was not prepared to cancel all our plans, we had mapped out a good life and future that we both would benefit from and feel good about. I love this man but hate what the alcohol does to him and us. I was grateful to find someone like him at this point in my life but it has only been a life of pain so far.
I know it sounds like things could be set back a bit - but he has signed a years lease for his apt and wants a break from us. We just had a year's break from each other - I don't know if I can do this another year. That feels a bit selfish but I have spent four years with this man - married 3 next month. We had a lot of wishes, hopes an dreams for what;s left of our lives (we are both in late 50's). The alcohol has ruined all those wishes, hopes and dreams. My kids just left home so I am not only having a marriage crises - I have an empty nest crises as well and no family otherwise. I am having a hard time getting through every day. I just never expected this point in my life to be the way it is.
I was surprised that after all the arguing and cancelled plans that AH had the nerve to admit to me that he had a slip over the weekend. At first he blamed it on me and the arguing... but today he called to take responsibility for making that choice for himself instead of finding another way to deal with his feelings. He admitted that he was hurt that our plans were cancelled - eventhough he was the one who cancelled them - he expected me to let things go back.
I am afraid that my situation sounds typical. But remember this is new to me - I have not dealt with this all my life - and it isn't like AH isn't committed to sobriety -but it is tough.
Feeling alone and sad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi kassie-
having expectations with a recovering alcoholic makes things difficult for you and for him. he's still in the early days of his sobriety. why not try to let go of all of the plans and just take it one day at a time?
step back a little, let go of all your expectations and get on with your life today. he sounds like he needs more space. that's what i see him communicating. he's got a lot on his plate if he is going to stay sober and magical thinking about the future puts added pressure on both of you.
have you tried alanon?
one day at a time.
having expectations with a recovering alcoholic makes things difficult for you and for him. he's still in the early days of his sobriety. why not try to let go of all of the plans and just take it one day at a time?
step back a little, let go of all your expectations and get on with your life today. he sounds like he needs more space. that's what i see him communicating. he's got a lot on his plate if he is going to stay sober and magical thinking about the future puts added pressure on both of you.
have you tried alanon?
one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
We have only been married a couple of years - we have lived longer apart than together and that is just not what I want at this point in my life. I got married to share my life with someone. I have lived a very full life and finally got a chance to settle down and get comfortable - didn't mean for that to be by myself.
And by plans I mean things that he said he wanted to do like downsize home, move into a retirement community and decide when we want to stop working. We didn't have to do anything as far as I was concerned.
Besides, you don't live without expectations in life - you expect to move forward or you expect to keep things the same, or you expect things to go in a different direction. That's Life!
And by plans I mean things that he said he wanted to do like downsize home, move into a retirement community and decide when we want to stop working. We didn't have to do anything as far as I was concerned.
Besides, you don't live without expectations in life - you expect to move forward or you expect to keep things the same, or you expect things to go in a different direction. That's Life!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Kassie,
never worry about sounding "typical." Addicts do become very much alike in their addiction, they do many of the same things to their families and loved ones, the same things come out of their angry mouths, and this is something only someone who has lived with an addict could ever know.
So, you are "typical" only in the sense that you are affected by the very COMMON pattern of addiction.
Your life of "only pain" with him because he has been in active addiction for most of your short marriage is sad to hear.
I have to say that I think he needs to face life on his own two feet and stop running back to you every time he gets scared of being a sober man facing a responsible life and then when he fails at that, blaming you and the relationship. Very very common.
He wants "another year" separated.....I would take some time to decide. Maybe he does need one more year to achieve some real recovery and knows it will be better for him to do that outside the relationship everyday issues. And most know that the first two years of recovery is very difficult living together. (Have you read the Getting Them Sober books? Much about that in those).
Or maybe deep down he's planning to drink again and wants you on string until while he jumps off the wagon again or until he decides he's really done.
Four years is a long time of pain and waiting for the happy marriage you so deserve. Not a perfect marriage, of course. But a happy marriage is not an exorbitant desire in this life. Marriage is a sacrament and one of life's most beautiful blessings. Though independent life works for some, most people in this world desire a mate to share their journey.
Stay connected to recovering people and if you do not have a counselor apart from the marriage counselor, I would recommend you find one just for you. With the alcoholic marriage and the empty nest and some probable midlife issues, some consistent, meaningful, one on one support (from someone on the other side of midlife and very experienced as well with the alcoholic family) would be a great help to you.
Glad you are here,
xxBluejay
never worry about sounding "typical." Addicts do become very much alike in their addiction, they do many of the same things to their families and loved ones, the same things come out of their angry mouths, and this is something only someone who has lived with an addict could ever know.
So, you are "typical" only in the sense that you are affected by the very COMMON pattern of addiction.
Your life of "only pain" with him because he has been in active addiction for most of your short marriage is sad to hear.
I have to say that I think he needs to face life on his own two feet and stop running back to you every time he gets scared of being a sober man facing a responsible life and then when he fails at that, blaming you and the relationship. Very very common.
He wants "another year" separated.....I would take some time to decide. Maybe he does need one more year to achieve some real recovery and knows it will be better for him to do that outside the relationship everyday issues. And most know that the first two years of recovery is very difficult living together. (Have you read the Getting Them Sober books? Much about that in those).
Or maybe deep down he's planning to drink again and wants you on string until while he jumps off the wagon again or until he decides he's really done.
Four years is a long time of pain and waiting for the happy marriage you so deserve. Not a perfect marriage, of course. But a happy marriage is not an exorbitant desire in this life. Marriage is a sacrament and one of life's most beautiful blessings. Though independent life works for some, most people in this world desire a mate to share their journey.
Stay connected to recovering people and if you do not have a counselor apart from the marriage counselor, I would recommend you find one just for you. With the alcoholic marriage and the empty nest and some probable midlife issues, some consistent, meaningful, one on one support (from someone on the other side of midlife and very experienced as well with the alcoholic family) would be a great help to you.
Glad you are here,
xxBluejay
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Besides, you don't live without expectations in life - you expect to move forward or you expect to keep things the same, or you expect things to go in a different direction. That's Life!
I have a non-stop, always on the go kind of life. If I tell you I'll get "this" done today, I will get it done today. But if you ask me to have it done by "that time", I can't guarantee I'll get to it when you want. I feel good when I've accomplished something as expected (today) but I feel awful about having let you down (because I wasn't done at exactly "that time")
Do I have expectations for my life? Absolutely. But right now I'm living one day at a time and am working towards those expectations with as little pressure as I possibly can. I will get there, eventually. But the expectations I have set for myself are to simply get them done. Might be tomorrow, next week or maybe even next year. I will get them done but I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself to do them that I loose hope and faith, strength, courage or desire.
Live your life exactly the way you do in your dreams. Start a response appreciated blog.....share your stories with others, if it'll help. I know and understand what you're feeling about wanting to spend your time with someone else and share the moments with that one person by your side. But I have learned that when I find myself in the same boat, I only wake up with regrets. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I would have gone if he had come with me. I could have gone anyway. I should have gone anyway.
I personally am done with that thinking. I'm done being let down and if I wait for someone else to make my decisions and live my life then I'm only waiting for disappointment.
About five years ago my mom got me tickets to a Willie Nelson concert for my birthday. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Willie. His voice is one that can make you laugh, make you cry, make you anything and everything and I was SOOO excited to go to this show. I had it all planned--a babysitter, rented a car, dinner reservations. It was going to be an awesome, excellent evening.
Hubby (at the time) came home from work, said he was too tired and didn't want to go. I was CRUSHED. I had such high expectations for an awesome night and they got shot right out of the water just like that. I was so upset I wanted to cry.
I thought about it for awhile. Got up, got dressed and went to the concert. Alone.
And had the time of my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
After posting, I realized that I can't stay with someone who doesn't want me. And it seems obvious that problem or not, he leaves me. I will accept my choice to want someone who will be there for me.
So, while I thought support would help me - I don't seem to get what I need here. Thanks all for your responses.
So, while I thought support would help me - I don't seem to get what I need here. Thanks all for your responses.
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