Emily2002

"An ass may bray a good while before he shakes the stars down."

George Eliot

It's time to stop braying.

I keep promising that I'll read and post here daily for support... It's simply too easy to lurk or skip all together, though, so I've decided to begin a thread for myself. It seems so selfish, but at this particular point in time -- at least for a month or two -- I know I need to try something different in order to STAY HERE.

Although I have no idea how this will go or what direction the thread will take -- what I'll end up contributing -- I want to come back to it every day in addition to reading and posting elsewhere.

I've just told my husband -- yet again -- that I'm not drinking along with him....that I don't want to. That I really need to stop. ANOTHER means of holding myself accountable.

I pray to God this helps.

NewBeginning010

Good luck & I hope you can turn over a NewLeaf

Whatever it takes to keep you coming back!

Take Care,

NB

Rowan

It's always good to see you, Liz. My PM is always open if you want to talk.

tallcactus

Newleaf, (love the name.)
Lots of love and support here. So glad U R here. Now the work begins.
Stay strong.

Horselover

Good idea NL/L. I am grateful you are here and yes, it is hard to come and post. Take it from me. I stray away often, but ALWAYS return. You can do this and we can help you. Hugs - Sarah

Emily2002

I have to smile, Sarah, because I've been straying and then returning since the summer of 2006 without staying sober. Yeah, I've made progress. But it's not enough.

You guys are great. Thanks.

Horselover

I read that you have been having problems staying sober and for that I am sorry, but I don't want to zero on that because you haven't given up Liz and that's the MOST IMPORTANT PART! It is not easy to recover and stop drinking, but if I can do it then you can too. If having your own thread is helpful then so be it. Whatever it takes. I am not making less of your struggle, but I KNOW you have it in you.

ElegantlyWasted

By you posting we all learn. Simply as that; it is not selfish. Most people try to quit numerous times before they succeed, don't beat yourself up. I have a feeling more than a few people here can relate to where you are coming from (myself included). As best I can figure out it is about healthy interaction. Keep posting...

Dee74

it's never selfish to reach out Liz...it's pretty much the opposite here, really
Great to have you back!

I'll make sure you don't stray too far if you like
LOL
D

Anna

It's not selfish at all, Liz, and I am glad that you find SR as a support for your recovery.

That's why we are all here.

Emily2002

Oh Sarah... I didn't think you were making less of mine. Far from it, actually. I've read enough of your posts to know how kind and positive you are.

Thanks and don't worry. :ghug3

CarolD

Glad to see you again....
Many of us had false starts before we actually quit.
I sincerely hope you will find this thread beneficial.

Rusty Zipper

good seeing you NL,

and as your user name...

hope this time you may turn over a new leaf...

good wishes liz

KenL

I think it's a great idea to start your own thread. There is an element of accountability to others in doing it, though. Of course the bottom line is we are all accountable to ourselves. But I think it's ok to be accountable to others too, even if they are somewhat strangers to us. Reaching out as you did will enable you to find support and encouragement among other things. It's not always so easy to reach out for fear of rejection. But I tip my hat to you NewLeaf for having the courage and wisdom to do what you did. I look forward to seeing where it goes. Hugs.

Tazman53

Liz you are headed for sobriety!!!

You are showing that you are WILLING!!!! Willing to try something new to stay sober.

Here is a suggestion to try. Get 2 pieces of paper, on one write down every single thing you are doing right now to stay sober.

On the other piece of paper write down eveything that people here on SR are doing to stay sober that you are not doing.

Okay, now let us say you are REALLY struggling or you slip/relapse, grab that second piece of paper and choose one thing that folks here are doing to stay sober and start doing that.

There are plenty of people here that are staying sober long term using different methods of doing so, certainly if you are really willing you can find a method that works for you.

Emily2002

Thanks, everybody... for your words of encouragement and for your suggestions! Taz... I'm heading out the door in a few minutes for work, but I think I'll start those lists when I get home later.

Ken -- the part about being accountable to others is what it'll take at this point. As much as I want to do all the right things for myself and believe that I deserve all the good that'll (hopefully) follow... those feelings just don't feel real to me yet. My guess -- based on what I've read from other success stories here is that if I can stay away from the booze long enough -- I'll become better able to see things more clearly and tackle the issues that keep me from recognizing that I'm actually worth it.

Alcohol's a depressant, right? Well -- while talking to my sister on a long drive the other day, I came to a realization. Depression and mood swings entered my life when I started drinking. I never really put two and two together -- or didn't want to? I've never been sober long enough to see if the alcohol's the cause of my depression, so I figure this is as good a time as any to experiment a little...

My three oldest are off to college; I take the last of them tomorrow. I would absolutely LOVE to have them return home in the fall/winter, to see Mom sober and feeling better about herself.

So begins my journey... yes -- for the umpteenth time. lol

Thanks again, people for letting me ramble.

Tazman53

You are not rambling at all, one of the main reasons AA works is it is one alcoholic helping another alcoholic stay sober one day at a time by sharing thier experience, strength and hope.

What you at this time may view as rambling you will find is helping me and others along our journey as well as helping you.

Emily2002

Went all day, basically, without thinking about a drink until my hour long drive home from work. I began thinking about making dinner, watching a ball game... and the usual martini to relax, wind down came to mind.

Then I remembered I promised I'd post here.

I feel pretty darned sure I'm in the clear for day two, now. Off to read here for a while and post a bit if I think I might help!

Thanks, SR.

AboveItAll

Hi Newleaf. I was thinking about selfishness myself because I seem to only go see if anyone has responded to what I've written, rather than branch out to help others. Maybe because it's early on for me, but I think that anything you can do to help yourself get over this problem is not really selfish at all.

I was drawn to your comment about telling your husband you were not drinking with him - YET AGAIN. My husband is an alcoholic and knows I have a severe problem. he knows that I've tried to get sober before and he is usually the one that encouraged me to continue drinking. Has that been part of your problem too?

Today is my day 3...I guess it is yours too?

Emily2002

Hi AboveItAll! Well -- my husband doesn't really encourage me to drink... It's just that he doesn't help much as far as being sensitive to the fact that it's hard to have him drink in front of me. All the time. And if I tell him that I've changed my mind or that "I've been good and can have just one" after finally giving in to the temptation (smelling the drinks, see him enjoying them) he has no qualms about making one for me.

I think he may have a problem in that I don't think he can go more than a few days without a drink -- even when he insists he will -- but that's his problem and one that I need to ignore in order to focus on my own.

I feel caught. I feel like I'll never be able to get away from it. I just have to be stronger.

Yesterday WAS my day 3, so today we're both on day 4!!! I posted, too, in your September thread. Let's keep it going, ok?