RAH punishment
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
RAH punishment
Ok, lets see if I can get thru this before he comes home...
I havent posted in a while, mainly due to my husband being sober the past 2 and 1/2 years and Im not sure I belong here...
Thing is, he's still not the man I hoped he'd be. Sounds crazy... And it is, I guess.
He is still demanding and controlling. Still blaming me for the way Ive raised our sons, when they disrespect him...
Ill get to the most recent occurrance....
I was going out of state for the weekend for a high school reunion, something I had fretted about for long time. I was afraid to ask if I could go. Finally, I did, and we fought, just like I knew we would. It was too expensive for both of us to go, and honestly, I did not want him to go. He would drag me down. Last time we went out with my sisters, we met up with some long ago friends and my husband said I was coming on to them and such. AND he wished I could be as happy as I was that night, all the time... Basically, he gave me a hard time and I didnt want to repeat it at my reunion...
So, he gives the permission I needed to go, tho, I am positive it was a test of somr sort, my sister talked me into going anyway.
The night before I left, I came home from work to see my 13 yr old sulking and my husband in a fury. The AC was left on upstairs all day and so he disconnected all the electric up there and yelled at our son, saying he ws responsible for it since it was in his room. Never mind that he doesnt usually
sleep up there.. Two bedrooms and a bath up there for the older boys. My older son came home weary from football practice and wanted to go to bed right away. Too hot up there, we live in Florida!! I asked husband to turn it back on and he said no. I told son to sleep downstairs where there is AC and thats what he did. BUt boy, did I get crap for "babying" our sons and going against his punishment by telling them to sleep downstairs....
Please tell me your opinions on this. My friend, his cousin, said its like child abuse....
I havent posted in a while, mainly due to my husband being sober the past 2 and 1/2 years and Im not sure I belong here...
Thing is, he's still not the man I hoped he'd be. Sounds crazy... And it is, I guess.
He is still demanding and controlling. Still blaming me for the way Ive raised our sons, when they disrespect him...
Ill get to the most recent occurrance....
I was going out of state for the weekend for a high school reunion, something I had fretted about for long time. I was afraid to ask if I could go. Finally, I did, and we fought, just like I knew we would. It was too expensive for both of us to go, and honestly, I did not want him to go. He would drag me down. Last time we went out with my sisters, we met up with some long ago friends and my husband said I was coming on to them and such. AND he wished I could be as happy as I was that night, all the time... Basically, he gave me a hard time and I didnt want to repeat it at my reunion...
So, he gives the permission I needed to go, tho, I am positive it was a test of somr sort, my sister talked me into going anyway.
The night before I left, I came home from work to see my 13 yr old sulking and my husband in a fury. The AC was left on upstairs all day and so he disconnected all the electric up there and yelled at our son, saying he ws responsible for it since it was in his room. Never mind that he doesnt usually
sleep up there.. Two bedrooms and a bath up there for the older boys. My older son came home weary from football practice and wanted to go to bed right away. Too hot up there, we live in Florida!! I asked husband to turn it back on and he said no. I told son to sleep downstairs where there is AC and thats what he did. BUt boy, did I get crap for "babying" our sons and going against his punishment by telling them to sleep downstairs.... Please tell me your opinions on this. My friend, his cousin, said its like child abuse....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
He sounds alot like mine- except mine is still drinking. Is he working a program? Sounds a little "dry drunk" to me. Mine is selfish drunk or sober- he was better when going to meetings ect.. but alot of the time he still had the same characteristics drunk or sober, your situation with your 13yr old and AH sounds familiar.I too have a 13yr old son and AH is on him all the time about the least thing. I'm sorry you are walking on eggshells- I understand.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Control freaks, ugh. The guy sounds like a real jerk, but then, most control freaks are. Why do you have to ask you husband to turn on the AC? Also, why do you have to ask your husband if you can attend your high school reunion. If you want to go, go. He can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in. Same with turning on the AC. That's my opinion. 
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I could never be in a relationship with someone that I had to ask permission of to do ANYthing..
A lot of people are just jerks.. drunks or not. Is this what you want for you and your children? Course, they don't really have a choice, yet.
A lot of people are just jerks.. drunks or not. Is this what you want for you and your children? Course, they don't really have a choice, yet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Bullying is abuse.
When are you expecting your AH (not RAH in my opinion) to change?
Being raised by a bullying father raises the odds of a boy becoming an adult rage-aholic.
Daisy, what are you waiting for?
Bluejay
When are you expecting your AH (not RAH in my opinion) to change?
Being raised by a bullying father raises the odds of a boy becoming an adult rage-aholic.
Daisy, what are you waiting for?
Bluejay
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Why, yes! He is working a program... At least, he appears to be.... He actually has gotten the training materials required to teach the class!!! Imagine that! Tho he misses meetings frequently and couldnt name the steps if he was asked to... Its a chrisian 12 step and he really has them snowed.... another frustration for me...
What am I waiting for? I really wish I knew! I could tel you more stories but just read my previous posts and youd get the idea. I believe his addiction has changed.. I am his focus..
His sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer so thats what is stopping ne for the moment.
I guess I just want confirmation that I dont need to live this way. And i shouldnt. Im disappointing my children...
What am I waiting for? I really wish I knew! I could tel you more stories but just read my previous posts and youd get the idea. I believe his addiction has changed.. I am his focus..
His sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer so thats what is stopping ne for the moment.
I guess I just want confirmation that I dont need to live this way. And i shouldnt. Im disappointing my children...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
daisyjen, I have good news for you.
SLAVERY has not only been ABOLISHED, it is also ILLEGAL.
If he is only doing a "snow job" with his 12 Step Group then he is not in recovery, is just not drinking, and virtually still in denial. Of course he could also just be a plain old bully and controlling pain in the backside.
Either way it is not a nice way to live, for you or your boys, and I guess what you do about it depends on how much you want to change things for all of you.
Personally, I would tell him to take a hike.
God bless
SLAVERY has not only been ABOLISHED, it is also ILLEGAL.
If he is only doing a "snow job" with his 12 Step Group then he is not in recovery, is just not drinking, and virtually still in denial. Of course he could also just be a plain old bully and controlling pain in the backside.
Either way it is not a nice way to live, for you or your boys, and I guess what you do about it depends on how much you want to change things for all of you.
Personally, I would tell him to take a hike.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by daisyjen 
His sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer so thats what is stopping ne for the moment.
The more my mom has hummed and hawed about it, the tighter AF pulls the reins. I believe A's sense when you start thinking for yourself. That's when they step up their strategy - whether it be intimidation, control, manipulation, or what have you.
Originally Posted by daisyjen
I guess I just want confirmation that I dont need to live this way. And i shouldnt. Im disappointing my children...
Your 13-yr old is coming into adolesence soon. What's tears and depression now will be angsty teen rage later. If all he has seen is unhealthy anger (blame, rage, controlling) in his own home, what do you think he's going to do when he's pissed off? What makes you think you'll be able to control him?
I watched my mom go through this with my brother, and now she has two men in her life that treat her like a servant. She didn't count on him growing up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I'm sorry about your sister-in-law's illness, daisy. I hope everything turns out all right for her.
You can for now at least formulate a real plan to separate or to divorce. You can look at all the legal/financial protections available to you so that when you are ready, you won't be jumping blindly into the unknown but you will have thought it all through, the way athletes see themselves first at the finish line.
Just don't let the disease win. Don't let it rob your children of the only childhood they will ever know. This is their only chance.
Bluejay
You can for now at least formulate a real plan to separate or to divorce. You can look at all the legal/financial protections available to you so that when you are ready, you won't be jumping blindly into the unknown but you will have thought it all through, the way athletes see themselves first at the finish line.
Just don't let the disease win. Don't let it rob your children of the only childhood they will ever know. This is their only chance.
Bluejay
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Hes very close to his sister and this diagnosis has overwhelmed him. I feel bad. If he loses her and then me.... Codie, right, I know....
He knows deep down that I want to leave, he even says it. But why do I deny it to his face? I hate hurting people, even when they hurt me. I dislike change, this is the way I know to live. My boys are 16, 13 and 8. Theyve seen plenty, but there are times he is good to them, greta even. What if I cant provide the things they need?
To clear up the AC thing... If I could have turned it back on, I would have, but he disconnected the unit somehow. An electrician would have needed to re connect it, which he has a background in. I called the evening after I left and asked if he turned it on and he hadnt. By the time I got home though, 3 days later, it was up and running.
That same weekend, our youngest had a severe allergic reaction to something he ate. My husband called to say how I shouldnt have left, my son needed me and that he had given him tylenol... (WTH?) This is his 3rd child, and weve been thru it before, how can he not know to give benadryl???
We havent spoken much since the past weekend because I wouldnt give in to his needs once more. Trust me, I did plenty thru the week to keep him off my back, but it wasnt enough. It never is....
He knows deep down that I want to leave, he even says it. But why do I deny it to his face? I hate hurting people, even when they hurt me. I dislike change, this is the way I know to live. My boys are 16, 13 and 8. Theyve seen plenty, but there are times he is good to them, greta even. What if I cant provide the things they need?
To clear up the AC thing... If I could have turned it back on, I would have, but he disconnected the unit somehow. An electrician would have needed to re connect it, which he has a background in. I called the evening after I left and asked if he turned it on and he hadnt. By the time I got home though, 3 days later, it was up and running.
That same weekend, our youngest had a severe allergic reaction to something he ate. My husband called to say how I shouldnt have left, my son needed me and that he had given him tylenol... (WTH?) This is his 3rd child, and weve been thru it before, how can he not know to give benadryl???
We havent spoken much since the past weekend because I wouldnt give in to his needs once more. Trust me, I did plenty thru the week to keep him off my back, but it wasnt enough. It never is....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Something I have noticed with my own AH (now seperated), is that he generally comes at me with things like - I am flirting with so and so, or someone is doing something to me, or my shirt is a little to low cut....all these things slowly attacking me through his own jealousy and inadquacey, and this happens drinking or not. I don't understand why they do this, but that this jealous thing appears to be a very common thread. Not easy to deal with, and in the past have left me questioning myself. I think I am seeing it for what it is now...his issue not mine, and I think you have to remember that.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by daisyjen
Hes very close to his sister and this diagnosis has overwhelmed him. I feel bad. If he loses her and then me....
Originally Posted by daisyjen
He knows deep down that I want to leave, he even says it.
Originally Posted by daisyjen
But why do I deny it to his face? I hate hurting people, even when they hurt me.
Originally Posted by daisyjen
I dislike change, this is the way I know to live.
Originally Posted by daisyjen
Theyve seen plenty, but there are times he is good to them, greta even. What if I cant provide the things they need?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Daisy honey, it's your undying need to not hurt anyone and to keep the peace that drives you to stay where you are and what keeps you on this path. I speak from a decade of experience on the very same subject. I am guilty of holding my ex's hurt as my own, of trying to make the world around him soft somehow so he wasn't so angry all the time, and doing anything and everything to keep peace in my own home. I stayed for too long because of this. I put my own losses and hurts aside to burden his.
In relationships without the swell of addiction these would be the nurturing acts of a loving wife, doting mother, or loyal companion. In our world, the one those here on SR no sadly too well, this only enables the addiction to fester and grow.
Addiction takes all the energies you put into keeping a happy healthy home and it squanders it then comes back for more. It never gives back the nurturing, the doting, the love, or loyalty.
I had to learn that if something bad happened to my alcoholic ex I was only allowed to acknowledge his loss. I could not take on the hurt for him. I also had to realize that his alcoholism was displacing the hurt he should have been feeling, turning it to anger at me, and drowning normal feelings of loss.
Your husband's loss and hurt is no excuse for his behavior. Your husband's loss is not yours to burden.
I agree that his actions do not show the intent of someone in recovery. To me it shows someone who puts on the airs of recovery for those he thinks he needs to impress. For you and your children, he remains an alcoholic who is being kept from his drug of choice.
His consequence for leaving on the air conditioning does seem exaggerated to me. It is reminiscent to me of the way my ex would overreact to things. Our dog chewed a piece out of a throw rug one night after my ex spilled food on it and passed out drunk before cleaning it up. When I saw the hole the next morning, I said the rug might not be repairable and would have to be thrown out. My ex (who was by all accounts sober that morning) promptly threw every rug in the house (including the bath mats) into the back of his truck and drove off for the county dump. He said if the dog couldn't stop eating the rugs then we just couldn't have rugs in the house. Yeah, that's right, no rugs in the house just bare wood floors and tile. He complained quite a bit that his feet were cold and blamed the dog for years.
Without true recovery, he will remain the irrational, mood swinging, control seeking, and domineering alcoholic he was before. If he wasn't those things when he was drinking, than maybe that is how he is deep down and you don't want any of what he's become either.
You can seek recovery for yourself. You can learn to see yourself in a new way and detach from his hurtfulness. Your recovery may lead you away from him, it's true, but it will certainly give you the tools to live with him in a new and healthier way for you and your children if you choose to stay.
I wish you well. Keep posting and tell us how you're working through this.
Alice
In relationships without the swell of addiction these would be the nurturing acts of a loving wife, doting mother, or loyal companion. In our world, the one those here on SR no sadly too well, this only enables the addiction to fester and grow.
Addiction takes all the energies you put into keeping a happy healthy home and it squanders it then comes back for more. It never gives back the nurturing, the doting, the love, or loyalty.
I had to learn that if something bad happened to my alcoholic ex I was only allowed to acknowledge his loss. I could not take on the hurt for him. I also had to realize that his alcoholism was displacing the hurt he should have been feeling, turning it to anger at me, and drowning normal feelings of loss.
Your husband's loss and hurt is no excuse for his behavior. Your husband's loss is not yours to burden.
I agree that his actions do not show the intent of someone in recovery. To me it shows someone who puts on the airs of recovery for those he thinks he needs to impress. For you and your children, he remains an alcoholic who is being kept from his drug of choice.
His consequence for leaving on the air conditioning does seem exaggerated to me. It is reminiscent to me of the way my ex would overreact to things. Our dog chewed a piece out of a throw rug one night after my ex spilled food on it and passed out drunk before cleaning it up. When I saw the hole the next morning, I said the rug might not be repairable and would have to be thrown out. My ex (who was by all accounts sober that morning) promptly threw every rug in the house (including the bath mats) into the back of his truck and drove off for the county dump. He said if the dog couldn't stop eating the rugs then we just couldn't have rugs in the house. Yeah, that's right, no rugs in the house just bare wood floors and tile. He complained quite a bit that his feet were cold and blamed the dog for years.
Without true recovery, he will remain the irrational, mood swinging, control seeking, and domineering alcoholic he was before. If he wasn't those things when he was drinking, than maybe that is how he is deep down and you don't want any of what he's become either.
You can seek recovery for yourself. You can learn to see yourself in a new way and detach from his hurtfulness. Your recovery may lead you away from him, it's true, but it will certainly give you the tools to live with him in a new and healthier way for you and your children if you choose to stay.
I wish you well. Keep posting and tell us how you're working through this.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
I am always amazed at the wisdom I see written here. It is so powerful and moving. I say this as I am working thru my own "AC situation". Indeed. I am in recovery and I know it an I feel it. My RAH cannot get to me today-because it is one day at a time...so, while I am reading the wisdom, my RAH is throwing a full blown pity party in the basement with his face in the sofa in the basement. Great behavior for for 54 y/o, don't ya think?
But-I am ok...
But-I am ok...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by daisyjen
I hate hurting people, even when they hurt me. I dislike change, this is the way I know to live. My boys are 16, 13 and 8. Theyve seen plenty, but there are times he is good to them, greta even. What if I cant provide the things they need?
What if you can provide all the things they need?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
What's that old adage? Attack is the best form of defence.
Knowing they really have NO valid defence for their actions, many A's lash out and attack their "loved ones" with the weirdest accusations. Casting blame on anyone or anything that moves to take the attention from their behavior, has been a ploy used by them for probably centuries.
Controlling and bullying others is used to try and cover up the fact that in reality, they have NO control over their addiction or themselves. In reality they are afraid to admit they have a drinking problem as then they would have to face it, and be expected to take action for recovery.
Your AH behaves badly and throws childish tantrums, and treats you and your kids more like hostages than his family, and he will not change because he doesn't have to right now. The more he gets away with, the worse it may get and the longer you will suffer from his power play behavior.
I am sorry his sister has this awful disease, and yes he probably will fall in a heap if he loses her, but neither of these things are reasons for you and your kids to stay in this nightmare. You owe your kids a happier and less strained life than they have, and they deserve first priority, not your AH, nor his sister.
You say that you want to leave, hate hurting people and are afraid of change.
Maybe your kids would like to leave, they may hate being hurt and seeing you hurt, and maybe they are afraid of NO change in their young lives.
I wish you all the best in your difficult position,
God bless
Knowing they really have NO valid defence for their actions, many A's lash out and attack their "loved ones" with the weirdest accusations. Casting blame on anyone or anything that moves to take the attention from their behavior, has been a ploy used by them for probably centuries.
Controlling and bullying others is used to try and cover up the fact that in reality, they have NO control over their addiction or themselves. In reality they are afraid to admit they have a drinking problem as then they would have to face it, and be expected to take action for recovery.
Your AH behaves badly and throws childish tantrums, and treats you and your kids more like hostages than his family, and he will not change because he doesn't have to right now. The more he gets away with, the worse it may get and the longer you will suffer from his power play behavior.
I am sorry his sister has this awful disease, and yes he probably will fall in a heap if he loses her, but neither of these things are reasons for you and your kids to stay in this nightmare. You owe your kids a happier and less strained life than they have, and they deserve first priority, not your AH, nor his sister.
You say that you want to leave, hate hurting people and are afraid of change.
Maybe your kids would like to leave, they may hate being hurt and seeing you hurt, and maybe they are afraid of NO change in their young lives.
I wish you all the best in your difficult position,
God bless
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
This morning, I met up with a friend of mine, who, once again, offered an apartment for me to stay in. She lives on the farm across from my property and her barn has an efficiency type apt in it. She suggested that since I am so afraid to leave totally, maybe I could just stay there at nights, so I have peace at least thru the night. He cant poke me in the ribs in the middle of the night if I am not in bed with him, but, yet,I can be home for anything else...
This sounds quite appealing to me, I just need to.... what?.... get a backbone?
I told her I will definitely think this option thru and get back to her soon....
This sounds quite appealing to me, I just need to.... what?.... get a backbone?
I told her I will definitely think this option thru and get back to her soon....
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