Astro

I don't know why I'm posting this in F&F, maybe it's because most of the parents of children frequent this section of SR, so I thought they might relate.

I started my day very early yesterday, like 12:30 AM early, with a full-blown anxiety attack. Haven't had one of those for years, and for the rest of the day I continued to have smaller ones but couldn't figure out why or what was causing it. Some of it might've been the smaller paychecks I've been getting at work, we're struggling like everyone else in this economy. But it might've been something else that was gnawing at the back of my mind....

Last night was open house at my son's high school, he's a freshman this year. Seems harmless enough, right? Except this is the high school where my ex teaches. This is where she found relationships with male co-workers, her new husband is one of them. This is where her female friends work, the same ones who encouraged her to boot me out of the house and move on with her life. I'm grateful they did what they thought was best....but....I've got that hunted, deer-in-the-headlights feeling about being there. And of course the first classroom I walk into is taught by Mrs. _ _ _ _ _, who I've always thought of as THE HEAD INSTIGATOR IN THE BREAK-UP OF OUR MARRIAGE. And of course my wild imagination leads me to believe that EVERYONE who works at that school knows that I'm a rotten, good-for-nothing, evil, lazy, alcoholic!

Then someone taps me on the shoulder. It's a mom of another student that I've known for years, and then another parent shows up that we both know, and we laugh and walk from one classroom to the next, and talk about our kids and how fast they're growing up. And then it hits me....that most of the people at that school probably have no idea what went on between my ex and me, or that I'm an alcoholic. And even if they do, WHO CARES?!

I'm venting, rambling, vomiting. Sorry.

Did I mention that my CoDA meeting is tonight, the one that the future Mrs. Astro and I attend every week, and that she's the most amazing partner I could ask for and works a pretty darn good recovery program herself? And that my kids are awesome and life is richer than I ever dreamed it would be?
And that when I start to worry and fear the way I perceive life to be, I have my friends from SR and AA to hold me up until my feet are firmly back on the ground?

That's what recovery is about for me. Knowing that life will be OK, because of God and my programs of recovery. And that's my way of saying thank you to each and every one of you, I'm grateful that you're here every day, just in case I fall apart over something silly like a high school open house.

God bless

readyforhelp

Astro,

Thank you for sharing this. Reminds me (us) how the stories that we tell ourselves are not always true, you know? We can really screw ourselves up with these stories. I'm glad it worked out best for you.



ps. And you're right, WHO CARES?!

CatsPajamas

Astro,

I really admire you and your program. You seem to know what's your's to own and what belongs to someone else. You can walk thru that school with your head held high... you're a great dad and a great example of how to live life on life's terms.

I had a fairly high profile life at one time.... and a lot of people knew about my stuff. But I learned that they were only interested in my drama until someone/something better came along.

Hugs to you and your wifey to be too. You guys are awesome!

peaceteach

Funny how we get so nervous sometimes in the "anticipation" of an event, which can often wind up being WAY worse than the actual happening. I'm so glad it turned out just fine for you, Astro. Congratulations on all your successes

ItsmeAlice

Your story reminded me of when my family would move to a new town (with the military, that was about every couple of years). Usually, I would have met kids around the neighborhood before school started but even so when I would get to school that first day after summer, I would feel soooo conspicuous. Everybody knew I was the new kid. Everybody had an opinion of me just from looking at me. No one seemed to want to even approach me let alone be my friend. And then...one kid I knew would walk in and we'd cling to each other like our acquaintance was a life raft...then another kid we knew would show up. Before you know it we were a small band moving down the hallway looking for our lockers and checking our classrooms to see who was where so we would know how to reconnect if we got separated. I look back and understand now as an adult how all the kids at school felt the same way. We were all looking for a life raft for one reason or another and all feeling self conscious for our own reasons and what we perceived others thought about us.

I'm so glad you're in recovery and I'm so glad you're here to share your experiences with us. I come here for the support, the butt kicking, the guidance, and the fun. You are a part of this little ecosystem at SR and we are made better by your posting.

Your SR friend,
Alice

MissFixit

Hey Astro,

Congratulations for getting him to high school! That is a huge achievement for him and exciting time for sure!!!

For what it is worth, I don't look at alcoholics as lazy, ..... whatever you wrote. I see active alcoholics as having an untreated illness. If you were there, sober and friendly, then congratulations for taking part in your son's life as a positive father.

coyote21

Gee Astro, what's your problem going to THAT school. Sheesh, no triggers there!

I work all over a city to the north of our town, it's where my axw worked, and where our dd was born etc., you get it......lots of triggers. It's taken a few years, but the exes old office building doesn't have much power over me anymore.

I think Dr. Laura would tell you that she can't cure normal. Which is how I perceive your reaction to your boys' school open house.

Keep doing what you are doing, I think you're doing just fine. But then what do I know. J/K.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

One recent "Ah ha" moment for me was my finally realizing, that for my whole life, for the most part, people weren't "doing stuff" TO me, they were just doing stuff. It's all been my perception, all MY choice and MY doing I might add!

I have truly been my own worst enemy! Damn.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Gypsy Feet

your story warmed my cockles=)

I worked on a street today that a year ago my ex husband and I spent a pretty wonderful holiday on. I reminisced, probably coloring the days a bit happier than they were, and I hurt. I had written him last week asking if he wanted to hang out on his birthday, but he did not respond. Instead he posted a poem featuring his pain over me leaving.

So, I emailed him, wished him well and cut him loose. I cant have my cake and eat it too. I am so happy right now, and I am in such a good place, and I cant have those things and continue on with him.

Life is good. Recovery is miraculous. I sincerely hope that some day he will be blessed with a spiritual awaken as awe striking as mine.
But now I am giving him back to his higher power to care for.

Thanks for the post buddy, I am so happy to have read it=)

Astro

That's it! That's it! Thanks Alice, a life raft floated my way and grabbed ahold of it, exactly what recovery has taught me to do.

And coyote, it's taken a few years, and sometimes I still feel a little crushed, but those places definitely lose their powers.

Thank you all for your kind shares

DesertEyes

Hey Astro

yeah those triggers suck big-time. You did great working _thru_ those emotions. I get those feelings of low self-esteem too, especially around the subject of my ex.

And by the way, I _know_ you're a decent, righteous man. You're marrying one of my bestest friends in the whole world, and that wouldn't be happening if you weren't 100% top of the class.

Like those other people at the school, I don't care what went on between you and your ex. What I do care about is what goes on with you and your recovery today. You're one of _us_, so go ahead and vent all you want. That's what we're here for.

Mike

Astro

She read that and blushed Mike

I was thinking about that at the meeting last night, how it's one of the low self esteem patterns:

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

I'm better than that, recovery has made me much better than that. And I'm proud to be "one of us".