sdksmadre

For some reason - I thought it would get better and easier as each day comes and goes. It is day 16 for me.
Friday - One of my party buddies, who I hadn't seen in months, got in contact with me and asked to meet up with her at one of our bars. I told her that I had stopped drinking, but sure, I would meet up with her (thinking I would be strong enough to go and not drink). With this friend, we would get together no matter what we had planned, no matter what our boyfriends said - we were going to do it. Two hours later, I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to go and hoped she understood. I didn't go.
Saturday - My boyfriend and I got into a heated discussion, I left mad. On my way home, it was almost like an instinct for me to think "I can't wait to get home, so I can have a glass of wine/beer and 'relax' and forget about it." I imagined just how good it would taste. I told myself, "Oh it's only been 12 days. You can always start over tomorrow." I didn't drink.
Sunday - I had a dream. One of those dreams that seem so real. My dream = I went to a bar and out of habit ordered a beer. I started to drink it and after a few swallows, I stopped and was horrified. I had drank a beer!! Not intentionally. But because that is what I do. Go to a bar, say hello to my friends, order my beer and start the night. I was so disappointed in myself for drinking that beer and losing those 12 days. I woke up. When I realized it was just a dream, I let out a big sigh of relief.
Sunday - I had the same dream and woke up the same way - with a big sigh of relief.
I thought the craving would slowly go away but everyday I think about how good it would feel and how good it would taste to have a glass of wine or a cold beer. But everyday, somehow, I talk myself out of it. I just wonder how long I can keep talking myself out of having that drink.

Anna

I know how hard it is, but you're getting through it.

Try to reduce the stress in your life as much as possible, which I know isn't easy, but trying to relax helps.

What kind of changes have you made in your life besides stopping drinking? I started a kind of walking program which helped in so many ways. Hang in there and keep posting. It will get easier for you.

sdksmadre

I never realized how much my life revolved around drinking and how sad it is that the only friends I had were the ones I drank with. I realize now that I pushed away my other friends.
You ask what kind of changes have I made besides stopping drinking. Well, I have tried to do more things with my daughter. However, she is almost 16 and doesn't have much time for her mom. lol
I think about getting outside and start walking or something.....and I wish I could, but I can't get myself motivated enough.

Dee74

hi sdksmadre

Everyone has 'those' dreams I think - I haven't had one in a while, but I occasionally still do - and I'm over 2 years sober, I'm happy and content and I have no intention of drinking. Drinking dreams don't need to be a signpost to impending doom...unless we make them that way.

I've also found my recovery isn't linear - there are bumps and diversions and up and downs, depending on who I'm feeling, whats happening, who I'm with etc...I think you did well not going to the bar and talking yourself out of various troublespots tho.

Are you doing anything else besides abstinence? I know there are several people on SR who just stopped drinking, kept not drinking and gradually it got easier for them...but I found that 'white knuckling' only ever got me so far.

I had to find a little meaning in my life - whether that was finding my passion, or a purpose, or doing some kind of service works, or reengaging in a little spirituality (whatever that word means to you)...

I needed to feel 'plugged in' again and feel I was making real and definite changes that went beyond not drinking and not hanging out in bars or drinking buddies...I needed to feel I was doing *something* and not just aimlessly drifting through the days. It can start with something as simple as getting out and committing yourself to regular exercise as Anna suggested.

I also had to delve a little deeper into myself and try and figure out *exactly* why I drank. What was the imperative? What are my aims in not drinking?

You're doing well sdksmadre - 16 days is great. Keep posting and keep focused

You can do this

D

tallcactus

((sdksmadre))
It will get easlier with time and these cravings become less frequent. I had over 5 years, then relapsed in July, now have 31 day; starting over is okay with me. I did all the right things to keep sober, went to AA, IOP, etc, then I stopped AA and did not remember my HALT's and drank again. (hungry, angry, tired and lonely.) Relapse is a part of recovery and I will not hate myself or kick myself for it.
There was alot of things that I had to do and change when I decided that I wanted to become and remain sober. Here R some:
I had to change some of my friends.
Change my thinking.
I had to find healthier ways to deal with stress and healthier ways to cope, instead of picking of that cold, Budlite.
I prayed more, became more active in church, I started to give back more, not just my time, but more of me.
Your on a Journey, but a wonderful one. Hang in there, just take it "One day at a time," it does work. 16 days is awesome!
Stay strong.

smacked

Today is my one year sober day.. and I just had one of 'those' dreams 3 days ago.

I appreciate the reminder of how it would feel to really f* up like that.

Like my counselor said to me, it's like our brains just need to remind us sometimes about how it feels to drink again, and how horrible it would feel..without us having to go out and drink again.

I know that neither my drinking or my cravings were EVER about as you say 'a glass of wine or a beer', it was the 10 glasses of either that got me in trouble.

Even though I still have the dreams, I honestly cant remember the last time I had a craving for a drink or 10.. that left me ages ago. Hang in there!

c49

Congrads on the year Smacked!

Oddly enough my dreams have switched gears. They used to be the same old me drinking the same old booze to now I'm just buying and hiding it... not even drinking. Bizarre, I wonder if my dreams are starting up in recovery

ElegantlyWasted

Suggestion.... Try AA, SMART, talking to someone with some good sobriety under their belt to get some perspective on those drinking thoughts. Had a dream that I went into the last bar I was arrested at and was warmly greeted by fellow patrons. Not fun stuff. It will get better. Post and read here for support and insight.

Wolfchild

i tried to stay sober and clean many times before, but i was only using myself and my willpower as a source of strength. Not too much surrender to a power greater than myself and no willingness to spiritualy recover. Was it any wonder that i could not control the disease of alcoholism/addiction even though i was abstinant? The disease progressed until it wass arrested and the process of living a new way of life began. These days i don't waste my time & energy fighting, i just ask for help from another recovering person and stay committed to my recovery no matter what. As the spritual principles are ingrafted into their rightful place, i find that the symptoms of the disease do not hold the power to distract me from making daily progress.

i hope and pray that you will find a way that works for you to live life happy & free.

Firehazard

It does get easier but only if I am smart about it. Many of my drinking friends

calls are not answered and the ones that do get asked if they are still drinking.

Accepting the fact that I have a progressive illness helped me to take my

sobriety very seriously. The people and situations that get in the way of this

new sober way of life many times get eliminated. Sadly, many of our social

influences don't like our new way and want to see us drink again for whatever

reason. It is a new way of doing things for me, I want to be with

sober/healthy minded people. It helps me stay sober

rochadad

I get the same thoughts from time to time, and 29 days ago, I wasn't strong enough to fight the temptation. The truth of the matter is, the effect alcohol gives you is a delusion and it never really relaxes you or makes you feel better. Just imagine how you would feel if you would have drank! The feeling the next morning would be guilt, shame, and perhaps another trip downward. I've gone through the cycle of periodic sobriety followed by drinking spurts and I always said the same thing as you "I'll start over tomorrow". I started over alright, but not being sober. And it always ended with a situation far worse than the first. I go to AA and my experience is validated by many others who chose to take that first drink. It gets better, and I think you are awesome for staying strong. Its much easier if you make it a point to not pick up a drink no matter what "just for today"!

firestorm090

The struggle for sobriety and a new life is not for the faint of heart, for it is a struggle in the purest sense of the word. However, I find the struggle is my only chance at having a life worth living. I can totally relate to where you are today and can only say you are not alone. The answers are here, amongst this group and amongst all of the recovering people worldwide, so we are lucky to be members of this host of recovering people who may just be able to show us how to do it too. One thing is for sure today, I'd rather struggle to stay sober than to struggle to get drunk, at least for today. And today is all we need worry about. Hang in there.

vegibean

What helps me when I'm really stressing is making some quiet time for myself. Just laying down and giving myself a nice pep talk, tell myself that no matter what, I'm ok. That while I don't deserve what I'm going through, I can get through it.

I've had those dreams too. Horrible feeling waking up feeling like I just blew all of my sober time. But that let's me know that my head IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE!!! If I'm waking up freaking out over a dream, then I know that I really do care about my sobriety and how important it is to me.

Keep up the AWESOME work!! You're doing great, hang in there. :ghug3

Skeeter2

"My dream ... I was so disappointed in myself for drinking that beer and losing those 12 days. I woke up. When I realized it was just a dream, I let out a big sigh of relief."

S-madre, would it help to make a list as to why drinking that dream beer made you feel so disappointed and another list as to why discovering it was a dream made you feel so relieved? They can be things to reference when the cravings are gnawing at you ... You can do this!

Boleo

When I gave up nicotine, I simply choose not to smoke "one day at a
time" and it became easier for me each day. When I tried to give up
alcohol by choosing not to drink "one day at a time", it became harder
for me each day. My problem was not just alcohol. For me "not
drinking" did not treat my alcoholism. I was uncomfortable in my own
skin before I took my first drink as a teenager and I returned to
being uncomfortable in my own skin after I took my last drink.
Alcohol was my solution for 30+ years and did not become my problem
until my final years of drinking when it failed to give me comfort
before it made me blackout.

It was not until I recognized and addressed my "real problem" that
sobriety became comfortable. My real problem was in the form of the
"Four Horse-man of the Apocalypse " (Terror, frustration, bewilderment
and despair). Until I found a way of chasing them away, sobriety was
not worth having.

What keeps me sober today is what allows me to be comfortable in my own skin; serenity, humility and benevolence. I find that if; I practice these principles in all of my affairs , God does for me what I cannot do for myself . That’s the deal (literally). It is truly a deal.

sdksmadre

I had another challenging day yesterday – to which I talked myself out of drinking.
Instead, I walked outside on my porch and took several deep breaths and told myself I could get through this without the alcohol “making it all better”.
Yay! Another battle won.
This helps me to better understand taking one day at a time.

Over the last few days, I have attempted to
get some quiet time to myself for meditation and reflection.

Everything you all have said has helped me in different ways. It’s good to know I am not alone with the dreams, the cravings. There is still so, so much for me to learn and to understand about myself and the alcohol and why I need it and why the combination is so toxic.

Day 19

Emily2002

Thank you, sdksmadre.

Between your description of your struggles -- as well as what's gotten you through them -- and everyone else's reponses, I've gotten so much out of this thread.

Glad you could find the quiet time for meditation and reflection. I'm thinking that might be the way to go once I can find it! lol

Keep up the great work!

dabears34

Mindfulness really helps, I've found.

Being totally honest, at which you seem to be doing very well.

Exercise is good too.

Keep at it! You can do it!

You can always check out an AA meeting too.