sclarke64448

Dear all

Just yesterday I posted on another thread on SR about how it seems XABF seems to be doing really well. He lost his job about nine months before we met (drinking on the job due to the split with his ex a month before). All through our relationship he said he never felt good enough for me yet he loved me and was in love with me. He even maintained he loved me and was in love with me on the day he broke up with me.

Just last week I discovered he's working again - since about two months after our split. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I looked in his bank account today (we set it up online together while still a couple) and he has taken home three payments since Friday - totalling almost £2,000. Bearing in mind this is after tax, he must be on at least £30,000 a year. Having not worked in four years? He is a labourer and has had all sorts of jobs in the past. I didn't think labourers were paid this much though. My friend thinks it may be something dodgy, else why would he be paid three lump sums in his account in two working days.

All throughout our two years he said he never felt good enough for me. I said, nonsense, why do you think I'm still with you? Because I see you've got it in you to fight this. You've got more about you than other alcoholics. You just need to find your way back.

Stuck by him for three years - enabled him to the tune of thousands of pounds in that time - keeping a roof over his head when he was street homeless, buying him food, clothes, etc. He turns it round three months after we split and is now earning absolutely loads of money.

I don't resent him pulling back from the mess he was in. But how come he seemed to be able to do it two months into a relationship with this new girl when he couldn't do it for a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.

On the day we broke up he did say I'd get every penny back. I regret it now but I laughed at that! I've not heard anything since. But if he's sorted himself out, do you think he's likely to remember how I helped him? I paid for hotels for him when he was on the streets, gave him a deposit to move into the house he lived in until recently.
Now I owe £11,000 - (Not all down to him but probably half of it is!)

I wish I'd never met him.

Also I've received two calls from unknown numbers. The first was at 12.30 on Saturday night. The second was today. I picked today's call up and said hello about three times but the caller hung up. Now I'm paranoid it's him as this has never happened before - specially after what happened on Saturday night. Both calls came through on my second phone - not a lot of people have that number. I always give my other number out.

So confused. Wish I'd never met him.

bookwyrm

:codiepolice

Stop checking up on him - you're only causing yourself more harm.

Something I've learned time and time again on these boards - true recovery can't be done for anyone else. It has to be done for yourself. So he couldn't get sober and get a job with you. You couldn't make him do it. You don't have that power. Let him go. You cannot control him, despite all your best efforts over the past 3 years.

Start working on YOU. Have you been to Al Anon? How are you doing with Co Dependent No More? Have you considered counselling? What are you doing to heal? Have you worked out why you were so willing to finance an alcoholic for 3 years?

Please, take care of yourself!

CNMC2C

SC,
If you have an Alcoholic Horse Thief and take away the Alcohol what do you have.....A Horse Thief. Sometimes I think that we give the alcohol way too much credit for people's behaviors. Maybe your A XBF is just an idiot, with or without the alcohol. I know that you have went no contact with him, but by allowing yourself to hear all of this stuff about him, you are still in contact with him. I too am guilty of this and am now realizing how it has kept me hooked to my A XBF, and I'm a year out of the relationship. I realize that I am additcted to drama and even though I don't see or speak to him, hearing what insane thing he has done this time....feeds my drama high. Gosh that feeling is such a rush, but I now realize that I have to stop it. I have to stop people from telling me about him and quit keeping tabs on him so that I can continue to get better. The best advice I can give you is to cut him off completely. Don't make the same mistake I have and allow yourself to stay hooked to him, by allowing yourself to listen to what he has going on in his life. Your A XBF has moved on without you, and I know it hurts like hell. So, you have to allow yourself to heal and move on.

Have you read Codependent No More? I'm reading it, again. You should check it out if you haven't already.

PS) I seriously doubt that you will ever get repaid by your A XBF, because I'm pretty sure that he will spend it all to feed his addiction. No, I don't believe for a second that your A XBF has changed at all, he's just moved on to his next enabler and is in the honeymoon phase. But, that's just my opinion.

TakingCharge999

hi sclarke!!

challenge: write 7 paragraphs, just like you did about ex, but about YOU

i dont care what he does at all, he seems like a person i wouldnt even want as a friend, but i DO care about you a lot.

:codiepolice

sclarke64448

Thank you both. God I know you're both right. I need to move on. It's just at the moment it's so bloody hard as I don't see how the guy I knew could have gone from this bum to a breadwinner supporting some woman and her four kids! I comfort myself in the fact that if I'm annoyed his ex and mother of his two kids will be bloody livid.

I am working on things. I am going back and reading Co-dependent no more, highlighting it. I've also highlighted relevant parts of a thread posted by Queenie the other day about narcissists - things that I want to remember about why I'm better off without him. I've also bought two other books - something about 'How to stop angry and controlling men' and another one, whose name I can't remember at the moment.

So I'm trying to progress, but then at the same time I'm dragging myself back down! I know I am!! But I'm working on it :-(

Still Waters

One small step at a time sclarke.

sclarke64448

Hi TC,

Seven paragraphs about me.....

I have a really good job in my family business which has lots of prospects for the future.

I have a family that really cares about me, even if I don't appreciate it, or didn't and put him first for three years.

I have some excellent friends who I am renewing friendships with - some old some new. Some through Al Anon. All are agreed I'm better off without he who shall not be mentioned and constantly tell me that. And believe it or not I do know they're right!!!

I am looking forward to going out with three of my oldest friends this weekend - two of them I've known since I was three - more than 30 years (aaawww!)

I am no longer spending money or valuable time on someone who doesn't appreciate it so I therefore have more money to spend on me.

I'm looking forward to going on holiday with my grandad some time later this month.

I really am better off alone, with my old friends, new friends, SR friends and Al Anon friends, until I find the inner-strength to give myself to someone again.

Is that any good?

XX

sclarke64448

You're right SW. And I did say on another thread yesterday that I know I need to stop keeping tabs on him. It does knock me back. And I know it's no good for me. But SR regulars do quickly take me 100 paces forward again as soon as I share.

I just seem to not be able to stop following what this loser is up to! I do know the guy I loved does not exist any more. He changed and changed towards me. So I even ask myself why am I wasting time over this idiot. But it's when I look back at how he was that I find it all hard to understand.

But small steps are how I'm coping. And they will get me there in the end - hopefully

CNMC2C

OK....stop kicking the crap out of yourself! We are all human. As hard as it has been for me to admit in the last 2 weeks that I have been allowing myself to stay hooked to my A XBF who is a hot mess by keeping up with him, even though I don't talk to or see him.....I still have to recognize and pat myself on the back for..... NOT TALKING TO HIM. One day at a time is what I have to hold on to. Look, your POS A XBF has hurt you and you are only human and need to grieve the loss of the relationship. I'm just recommending that you not make the same mistake that I made. Look, none of us would be here if we all weren't a hot mess in some form or fashion. So, right here....right now...I'm going to pull my covers for you ......... ....Hi, SC, I'm Amy and I am a Food Addicted, Cigarette Addicted, Drama Addicted, Codependent ....Hot Mess....who is seeking recovery from all of my lovely insanity one day at a time. In a way, I think that with all of the issues that I am trying to tackle at once, me keeping tabs on my A XBF isn't that big a deal, but I am really ready to let go of the Drama Addiction and realize that I have to stop. Anyway, my dear, hugs to you. Just remember.....keep putting one foot in front of the other!:ghug2

sclarke64448

Hi Amy, I'm Sam - also food addicted, former cigarette addicted, former fruit machine addict (10 years ago or so) and now gym addicted (and SR addicted) co-dependent mess who is also seeking recovery and is meeting some fantastic people along the way.

Hugs to you too - together we'll get there :-)

On the bright side, had I not have gone through all this crap with him, I wouldn't be here now. That to me is a good thing - it's certainly a journey, an experience and an education :-)
XX

sclarke64448

Again you speak wise words Anvilhead! Utmost respect to you! This computer is now being chucked out of the window on to the street below :-)

Learn2Live

Hi sclarke.

They don't transform. No one does. He is much more sick than you and look how much work YOU have to put into getting yourself better. Try not to let the facade he is using at this moment distract you from yourself and your needs.

The amount of money one has does not indicate their level of health, nor the state of their relationships with others. I know this is making you feel bad about yourself but remember: What he is doing has nothing to do with you.

As for the money, if you want it, ask for it. Do it nicely, calmly, and respectfully. Don't expect him to understand, feel sympathetic for you, or responsible for paying you back , etc. Don't expect ANYTHING from him. You could write a letter requesting he pay you back what he promised. If you don't want to contact him, you can have a lawyer do it. Or you can just let it go. Many times, and for large sums of money, I have had to let it go.

Don't beat yourself up about the last three years. We have ALL done the same things you have. Just chalk it up to a learning experience; learn all you can by reflecting on yourself, your wants and your OWN potential.

laurie6781

Not the computer!!!! roflmao just the cached information, lol

(((((Sam))))) we have been where you are now. I can tell you with time it does get better, at least for me it do, slowly but it did. I was able to STOP checking on him. I was able to tell 'mutual friends' not to give me information on him, and that if I did ask, to remind me I did not really want to know.

As Still Waters said "one small step at a time." Baby steps.

I like your 'positive' attitude that you wouldn't be where you are today, if you had not gone through what you did with the deadbeat addict.

And when we really need it .................................... Ann has some steel toed bunny slippers to give us a boot in the butt, lmao

You are in a safe place here, we do understand, so when those 'urges' come to 'see what he's doing now' come here instead. We'll help where and when we can to give you time to 'rethink' what you were going to do, lol

It does get better, honest. I found what really helped me was looking at me with the help of a therapist and Al-Anon to figure out WHY and WHAT drew me to this person to begin with and as I worked on me, slowly he became a distant 'dot' in my memory.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sclarke64448

Aaaaah, thank you Learn to Live and thank you Laurie. You're right, he is sick isn't he. It's not like he's miraculously recovered from this sickness just because he's stopped drinking, is it? I mean, how long does it take to recover? Certainly longer than a couple of months, yes? And I can't bring myself to break contact with him. I'd rather just put it down to experience and move on.


And Laurie I am attending Al Anon. And I'm finding it great to be honest. The only thing is I haven't invested in their daily readings books yet (only because I always forget to take cash!!!) - something which I'm planning to do tomorrow.
The first Al Anon meeting I had was 150 miles from home while I was on holiday. After the meeting I got chatting to a woman there and we became fb friends. I rang her last night and she was so lovely. We were on the phone for over an hour and she was saying her girlfriend is nine months in recovery. She gave me so much of an insight. They got together nine years ago. They were together three years, she had to leave for three years because things were that bad, then they got together again three years ago. And here's me thinking it's all a fairytale ending for my ex and he's going on to become this massive success while I'm here picking up the pieces of my life.

Seriously, I am one of these people who will always compare his progress to mine. I still love him and I want him to move forward with his life. I suppose I just want him to remember that while I probably put him 10 paces back in moving forward, it was because I was so naive. But at the same time it was out of misguided love and concern for him. It's just he now seems to hate me for it and that's the bit I can't understand :-( I always told him I had every faith he could pull himself back from the brink, but those words seem to have fallen on deaf ears - even though I said them repeatedly when he asked why I stayed with him.

But again does this hatred he seems to have for me boil down to the sickness? Definitely my obsessing over what he's thinking and feeling is sickness but I am trying to work my way through - honest

sclarke64448

Whoops, sorry! I meant break no contact. Though perhaps my mistake was more apt, as you can all guess!!!! XXX

Learn2Live

Recovery is not something you attain. It is a lifestyle, a process. It can last a lifetime. Each individual is different. Many people go to 12-Steps to stop using drugs or alcohol, but never move forward in their Recovery. Those people often remain miserable, never learn anything, and never change. Others, like me, never stop.

My opinion? The humility he showed, the statements that he is not good enough for you, even the hatred he shows: They're all a scam. You're still falling for it. Come on, girl, you're smarter than that.

My Personal Rule No. 1: In ALL areas of your life NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE.
Yup. Seems that way to me.

I totally believe you and am sure all of us here believe you. Don't feel alone, EVERYBODY obsesses about something. Focusing on yourself and your life will help you to stop obsessing about that person.

TakingCharge999

Thanks sclarke!!! your plans sound wonderful.

I have also wished I never met ex. But then I would be the same doormat and choose more losers, thinking I deserve the worst, so let's say he made me save time!!

A friend has 4 children, she is divorced. The ex goes out with someone else and provides for the new woman's children.

Yesterday he told my friend: "maybe I got 10 dollars for the kids". Honestly. Actual words. So he has money to support children that are not his but provides 2.5 dollars for his children.... what an insult.

My friend is better off without that "man"
And you are better off without ex, you just need to heal and be patient

One day sclarke you will see his job, partners, etc whatever have NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. His addiction was before you met him. His addiction is still with him. He is not drinking now? well, he is not drinking NOW, but what about tomorrow?

The more you inform yourself about alcoholism the better. This helps to know they all act the same way, there is nothing new in what he has done and is doing, and you cant control it, you cannot cure him, you did not cause anything. Alcoholism is a spiral, if anything, things seems great and under control, then WHAM a disaster, verbal abuse, a gun.... do no be fooled, alcoholism is CHRONIC he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, and its PROGRESSIVE, it gets worse and worse.

Alcoholism seeks to keep the status quo - what if he is caring for those children to 'hook' the woman and then have her put up with his BS out of guilt as he is providing for them, they may know him as the dad and savior, etc etc ? The woman is doing nothing to you personally, she is just buying lies, just like you did before. Imagine being one of those poor children thinking "finally" you got a male figure that cares about you, and in truth its a troubled alcoholic? My God.

ANYWAY...

I see you are in London, if I were there I would take you window shopping to Harrods!! I went there with my sister a while ago and it was wonderful ! I would go to Portobello road too... oh, so many great places over there!! with the extra money you can buy a wonderful dress or designer jeans, why not invest in a haircut, manicure, makeup lessons or/AND spa treatment?

I thought all that was stupid but I have changed my mind!

dothi

IMHO it's projection. Whatever he is angry at - whatever heavy feeling is driving his addiction in the first place - he's projected it onto you. It's the addict's black&white thinking - from "I love you, I can't live without you" to "you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." Black and white. Back and forth. If you're not perfect then you must be a failure. No shades of grey. Nothing in between.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

One day sclarke you will see his job, partners, etc whatever have NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. His addiction was before you met him.

This is really solid advice, right here. If he could even see the person you actually are, would it make sense for any sane, rational person to be so angry at you? Because of his addiction he is not sane or rational. His anger at you have been transferred from anger at something else. As long as he can convince himself you are so cruel, you doesn't have to own up to his behavior or the consequences of his actions. "I'm not that bad. She's just a b*tch."

This is going to sound like crazy advice for you as you're in the processing of stepping back, but don't take it personally. He doesn't know how to respect your feelings or your perspective. If he did, you wouldn't be here.

queenie88

This post has been great for me. Sclarke…as you know you and I are in kind of a similar situation. TC…your comment about providing for the children to “hook” the woman really opened my eyes. I thought back throughout my entire relationship with xabf, thinking of supposedly selfless things he did for me, grand gestures…fixing my car, providing for trips, offering to pay for my student loans to facilitate my moving up with him, putting me on his bank account…I wonder if it was all just to draw me in so I would put up with his BS? He had so so so much power over me, and i’m sure he liked it that way. I was in his world, surviving on his resources in his house. I can’t believe how I let myself be in a situation in which I was so dependent on a man for everything. Then once I had my blow-up that night, the first thing he did the next morning was go to the bank and cancel my access to his account. Came back and said “You’re done.” Then told me he wanted me out of his house. He was so willing to provide in the beginning, when I went along with things and allowed him to continue his addictive lifestyle. Once I started voicing my opinions (and, I admit, reacting very unhealthily) he took it all away. Just like that.

Learn2Live

Hey Queenie, a man can be like that regardless of whether or not he is alcoholic or addicted. I had a boyfriend like that--no addictions, didn't even smoke. It was bizarre!